Chapter 11: Ask

"Good luck with the family, lass. I'm sure you'll win them over. But it won't hurt to take a little liquid courage with you."

Just before she and Cullen departed the farm for their journey, Rylen bid Evelyn farewell by pressing a flask of moonshine into her hand. She rolled her eyes at him, but pocketed it with secret gratitude.

That gratitude resurfaced now, as she and Cullen dallied in the wilderness about a day's ride from South Reach. They were procrastinating. And she needed a drink.

At first they made good time. The weather was pleasant and cool, the foliage of autumn and the smell of the harvests brightened the ride on their shared horse. She could have taken her own mount, but it was nice riding behind Cullen, and he seemed to like how she pressed against his back and wrapped her arm around his waist. She freely admitted to herself that she liked letting him captain their journey so she could enjoy watching the countryside as they traveled.

She'd been up, down, over and all around Ferelden and Orlais and a good portion of the Free Marches, but she'd never enjoyed it. When she was Inquisitor, there was always a task, a goal, an endpoint; though at the time nothing ever seemed to actually "end" since the next trial would inevitably follow immediately on the heels of the previous. After she was Inquisitor, for a long time when she travelled alone, she saw the world colored only by those old trials.

Old chains, more like.

Now, it was different. She drank in the scenery greedily, escaping her head in a way that she hadn't thought possible not long ago. Cullen too seemed invigorated. He was always ready with a story to tell her, a smile to warm her and a kiss to stir her. Sometimes they slept at inns, sometimes they slept under the stars, but they always slept snuggled close. Their nights were mostly calm and easy, with sleep being not exactly their friend, but at least it was no longer an enemy. Neither of them made any attempts to progress their physical intimacy, both content at the moment to simply learn what it was to not feel urgency and unrest about something.

There was no plight that needed championing, no greater good that needed a sacrifice, no peril that hung over their heads...well, until now…

The closer they came to South Reach, and thus Cullen's family, the more stops Cullen made, delaying their inevitable arrival. He found reasons to tarry in each town and village dotting the highway, and some reasons to go out of their way entirely. There was a breeder they simply had to visit about acquiring another Mabari pup for the farm. There was a well-known armorer that had special skill with shields whose work Cullen had always wanted to see. There was a baker in a small hamlet that was rumored to make the best cakes in all of Ferelden.

And they were. The best.

Evelyn hadn't minded that stop. She hadn't minded any of them actually, but she wondered why Cullen was skirting around a simple visit with his family. She wondered, that is, until they were a day's ride from South Reach.

That was when Rylen's moonshine started to sound like a really good idea.

Cullen slowed their pace even more earlier in the day, meandering through the woods, silent and thoughtful. They probably could have reached their destination by nightfall, but as dusk settled in, they decided to set up camp and wait until morning to finally ride into the lands of Cullen's family. As they busied themselves with tent and fire and food, Evelyn's demons struck up a conversation, lighting a strange new flame of unrest, one she thought Cullen might also be dealing with in his own head with his own demons.

What will they think of you? Not much, not be sure. The good you did was forgotten in the same breath people thanked you with ages ago. Not much left of you now but a mage loitering off the good graces their brother somehow sees fit to bestow upon you. And here you are invading their time with him. He's theirs. Not yours...

They ate their evening meal in silence by the fire as the sounds of night rose up, joining the unwanted demon whispers. Evelyn was growing adept at ignoring them, but amusingly it was the memory of Rylen's voice advocating a bit of liquid courage that rang out loud and clear, driving her to rummage through her pack looking for the flask.

Cullen saw her contraband and his reaction was not what she expected.

"Oh thank the Maker for Rylen!" He exclaimed and actually grabbed the thing from her to help himself. After a large gulp he handed it back to her and let out a still partially tense groan. "Can't we skip South Reach and just ride on to Denerim?" The rhetorical request was weak at best, as he already knew the answer.

"I wasn't expecting you to be quite this put out over spending time with your family." Evelyn took a drink and leaned against Cullen's shoulder, passing the flask back to him.

"I'm not put out exactly, I just...I like my life. I don't want to feel as if it's being judged." Cullen waved a hand frantically after the statement trying to correct what he obviously thought came out wrong. "Not that I think they're judging me, I'm sure if they think I'm happy, it would make them happy, but...it's so much easier not putting oneself in these situations, isn't it?"

Well you certainly know about avoiding family situations don't you, Inquisitor? Do you ever wonder if they found your staff? Or would you rather not know if they found it then got rid of it, like they got rid of you?

Evelyn decided not to reply. Neither to Cullen, nor to the demons. She let Cullen go on talking and continued to ignore the other voices.

"I do want them to think I've done well and have ended up on the path I want to be on. I'd rather not have them think I'm not where I want to be in life because of any troubles I might have had in the past. But then, I wonder if I'm being ridiculous because I actually don't give a damn what anyone thinks any longer. I'm happy…"

"You're happy?" For some reason, Evelyn felt the need to have him repeat what he just said.

He answered her with an impromptu kiss, and she felt his smile against her lips. "Yes, I'm happy." He laughed then, apparently at himself. "I have no idea what I'm even saying anymore but I do know for certain I'm happy."

Evelyn decided it was time to explain to him what he was feeling about his family, and in that way share with him what happened, or didn't happen, with hers. The stars had come out and the moons were bright in the cloudless sky. She pushed him gently backwards so he would lay down on the grass and then she arranged herself beside him. He had a shirt on, but she ran her fingers across where the terrible old scar on his chest was underneath the soft cotton.

"You don't want your family to think you're broken."

Evelyn could feel Cullen hold his breath while he considered her statement. When he exhaled, she continued.

"You don't want them to think things like… 'Poor Cullen, if only such horrible things hadn't happened to him'... 'Poor Cullen, if only he wasn't so damaged'... 'Poor Cullen, if only he'd been normal…"

Even without looking at him, Evelyn knew her words had struck their mark. The muscles of his abdomen tightened, the sound of his heartbeat quickened and she could hear the in and out of his breathing through his flared nostrils.

"When I left Skyhold, the first place I went was to Ostwick. I wanted to see my family again. I felt good on the way there. I felt like I'd accomplished so much and I was proud of all the things I'd done and lived through with the Inquisition. But the closer I got to 'home', things started feeling different."

She was surprised at how easy it was for her to talk about it. Instead of the cold shiver down her spine that usually happened when she recounted all of her bitter emotions in her head, right now she actually felt warm. Next to Cullen, she felt safe from falling back down into the abyss she'd once found herself in.

"I never actually made it in the front door. I talked myself into leaving before I even 'arrived'. My brother had a wife and children. I saw them, but they didn't see me. They looked happy. And it was a genuine happy. Not an 'as good as you're going get' happy, which was all I felt like I was destined for. So, I left before I had to endure those "Poor Evelyn" platitudes. Or maybe I left so I wouldn't find out if they didn't even care about offering "Poor Evelyn" any platitudes at all. Anyway, it's funny how without even actually exposing yourself to judgment, you can weave in your head enough insecurity about things to fail before you try."

It was only when she stopped talking that she noticed Cullen had slowly been squeezing her closer, his arms strong and his fingers tight around her. Her heart felt tight in her chest at the feeling of him. Her heart felt. She did her best to keep her voice steady.

"I think it's important to understand what it is you actually want in life, not what you think you should want or what you think others want for you. And when you finally have what you want, you can just be happy about it and never mind anything else. I didn't really know then what I wanted for myself when I went back to my family in Ostwick. I'm not sure if I know now, but I know I have more than I thought I would when I abandoned my staff there and walked away without seeing them."

Evelyn was squeezing back now, the power of their physical touch stronger than any magic she'd ever conjured against the darkness.

"Would you have me?"

"Hm?" She lifted her head at the question. Cullen was staring up at the sky.

"A bit late, I think, to ask. You already 'have' me, whether you know it or not, but still, I thought it might be good...to ask..."

"To have you?"

The two of you are not good at this. Or anything. Neither of you are very good at anything, are you?

"Now that you mention it, I suppose it could have several meanings, couldn't it?"

"It...could."

Definitely not good at this.

"I mean both."

"Both?" Evelyn held her breath, mouth open, throat dry.

"I already know what I want, Evelyn. I want you. I love you. I want to make love to you. And I want you to be mine. So I'm asking. Can I make love to you? And can I marry you?"

A/N: Wow. That's a horrible way to end a chapter ;p Thanks for reading!