How much freedom does one have in a cage of one's own design?
read.
Kotonoha opened her eyes to find the familiar white ceiling of her bedroom. Nestled gently under the covers, her mind got to work sorting a torrent of new information. Kotonoha sat up, smiling bitter sweetly.
"Kotonoha, I don't love you. I know life is hard right now, but lying to you wouldn't be good for either of us."
"I see." Kotonoha whispered. "Then I'll just have to work hard until you do love me. You'll see. If you haven't fallen for me yet, I'll-"
"Kotonoha." Makoto-kun interrupted. "There's nothing you can do."
A thick, painful silence permeated the room.
"N-nothing? No matter what I do, you'll never fall in love with me?"
"No."
"I see, so that's what happened…
Makoto-kun…"
Nothing.
That was it. It was over. There wasn't a single thing Kotonoha could do to make Makoto-kun love her. He'd never care for her the way she did for him. He probably never did. Perhaps he really did only care about her body.
Tears began to fall from Kotonoha's face as she shakily got out of bed.
Why did he hate her?
What had she done that was so wrong?
She had tried so hard; bending over backwards both figuratively and physically for him.
She was ready to give him everything. After all, Kotonoha was the heiress to the great Katsura fortune. She and Makoto-kun could have lived well beyond their means.
How could he turn her down? How could he still refuse to love her?
Refuse?
Kotonoha thought about that word for a moment. It wasn't as if love was a choice. One doesn't choose who one falls in love with. It just happens.
Maybe it just didn't happen with him.
No. There had to be a more logical explanation. She was sure he had at least loved her at one point.
"Onee-chan!" Kokoro burst through the door, eagerly greeting her weeping sister. "Father says you need to hurry or you're gonna be-" Kokoro stopped herself when she realized Kotonoha was crying. "O-onee-chan? What's wrong?"
"It's- it's nothing." Kotonoha stammered, wiping her eyes and preparing to start her morning routine. After all, how could she explain all this to Kokoro? Not even she understood what was happening. Had she traveled back in time?
No, that wouldn't be it. Things were different here. The Makoto-kun of this world was- Kotonoha stopped herself. She didn't like thinking such things of her beloved. Although, it was a bit easier on her if only for the fact that she met with his spirit. Come to think of it, how could she meet with him? Ghosts aren't real.
Suddenly, Kotonoha's vision began to blur. She heard a low voice mumble in he distance.
"Kotonoha, are you alright?" Father asked with a raised eyebrow from across the breakfast table. A chill ran up Kotonoha's spine.
Kotonoha nodded her head and took one last sip of tea before rising from the table, averting her eyes from his.
"Are you finished already?" Mother asked, quizzically.
"Yes" the young girl replied. "I'll be late for the train otherwise." Kotonoha couldn't so much as look at her parents. Not after seeing them die like that. She knew she should have been happy, and before her memories came back, she was. However, at that moment, seeing their smiling faces only seemed to make her recall their lifeless eyes, blood-soaked skin, and the eerie smiles they brandished so carelessly. Kotonoha quickly scurried out the door, realizing how easy it would be to take advantage of her newfound physical abilities.
Kotonoha woke up to feel Makoto-kun holding her hand with both of his. He was sitting at the side of her bed. "Kotonoha!" Makoto-kun exclaimed. His face lit up as soon as he saw her eyes open.
"M-makoto-kun." she stammered back. "Where am I? Wh- what happened?"
"You're in the nurse's office." He replied. "Otome told me you collapsed at gym."
She collapsed?
But Kotonoha was sure the medicine was doing it's job.
"Are you getting enough sleep?" Makoto-kun asked.
The violet haired girl looked away, wondering what to say.
"Ah, yeah. I guess I was just a little tired."
Kotonoha sprinted to the train's open doorway as fast as she could, bumping into a few people in her way. Unfortunately, she didn't have time to apologize.
The doors began to close. She had less than a second. Kotonoha leaped through the doorway, just barely making it. The young girl sat down, finding herself out of breath for the first time since…
Since she found herself in this strange world.
Where was she?
How did she get here?
Was this a dream? Or perhaps the afterlife?
Impossible. She would have to have died.
Could there maybe be another Kotonoha running around in her own universe? She had read a few books where that had happened. Given the circumstances, it wasn't unbelievable.
Still, even before the return of her memories, Kotonoha often felt a sense of hollowness in this world without Makoto-kun. Although, maybe this life was the best one for her. Nearly every memory she had of him was sexual in some way. Every once in a while memories would flash of her taking his member into her mouth or touching him on the train ride to school. The rooftop was practically their personal love hotel.
The things he forced her to do were disgusting and yet she kept asking for more, all to please him. Anything for Makoto-kun.
Why was his approval so important to her?
Why was it still important to her now?
Even the thoughts that demonized him felt like lies. She knew they were true, so why did she refuse so adamantly to see him in a negative light? The answer was obvious.
Love.
Kotonoha just couldn't stop loving Makoto-kun.
Regardless of what he did to her or what he made her do, those feelings just couldn't fade away like every other crush she'd had. In a way she was almost addicted to him. It was hard to focus on anything else.
"I'll go take these to the sink." Kotonoha smiled falsely as she gathered the dirty dishes from the table. Kokoro didn't say anything. She just looked at her with those piercing eyes, picking her apart; judging her. Kotonoha quickly made her way out of the dining room before finally breaking down. Her knees, along with a host of shattering dinnerware, came crashing to the ground. Her hands shakily bringing themselves to her face as she audibly sobbed.
It wasn't fair.
Life wasn't fair.
Mother.
Father.
Makoto-kun.
Kokoro.
She had no one to help her through all of this. No one to support her. No one to love her.
Kononoha heard a slight crunch and noticed a barefoot Kokoro watching her silently. She had stepped on some of the sharp debris and seemed to be bleeding. "Kokoro," Kotonoha said in as cheery a tone as her hoarse voice could permit. "You're hurt. Let me take a look at your foot." Kokoro didn't respond. She didn't so much as wince at the pain or even blink. Kokoro simply turned around and began to walk, not bothering to take any weight off of her injured foot. She paid no mind to her sister, her foot, or even the bloody trail she was leaving. Kotonoha stood up, doing her best to avoid the glassy shards, and walked over to Kokoro. Kotonoha wrapped her arms around Kokoro from behind, hoping to get some kind of response.
Kokoro didn't even turn her head. She simply remained still as Kotonoha removed the shard and bandaged her foot. It wasn't until later that night that Kokoro actually spoke.
Kotonoha was almost asleep when she heard the bedroom door creak open. Kotonoha didn't bother to turn around. After all, the light wasn't on. It could have easily been some other door.
Then came the footsteps. Small little taps that got closer and closer.
They must have just been her imagination.
"It's all your fault." This got Kotonoha's attention. She whipped around to find Kokoro's small form beside her bed. Her little hands wrapped around Kotonoha's neck, squeezing with incredible force. Kotonoha labored to breathe as Kokoro's grip grew tighter and tighter. She wasn't wrong to do this. It was Kotonoha's fault they were dead. Kokoro was within her right to avenge Mother and Father. Kotonoha smiled warmly at Kokoro. Unable to speak, Kotonoha reached out and touched the young girl's cheek. It was wet. Kotonoha got to work wiping the tears from Kokoro's eyes while the last of her breath left her. Then, all at once, Kokoro's grip loosened. The little girl turned around and slowly left the room. Kotonoha began to shed a few tears of her own, not knowing how to help her distraught sibling.
Kotonoha slipped her school shoes on and carefully placed her outside shoes back in her cubby. The upside to repeating tenth grade was that she remembered the material pretty well. At least she wouldn't have to worry about her grades this time around.
"Kotonoha!" Obuchi called out to her. That's right. They were friends in this universe.
"Hi!" Kotonoha happily replied.
What was she doing?
This was one of the girls who relentlessly tortured her on a daily basis. She made Kotonoha's school life a living hell.
"How are you doing? Were your parents mad last night?"
All the harsh words, the ruined lunches.
"You're really lucky we were driving by. If my brother hadn't saw you behind the gate-" The malicious notes and drawings on her desk, the thumbtacks on her seat.
"-You should really thank him properly. He had to drive you all the way across town to get you home." The hurtful text messages, spraying her with water guns in February.
"How come you weren't at the game? Otome's pretty-"
"Shut up."
Kotonoha stared daggers at Obuchi before storming down the hall to their classroom. She knew Katou was angry with her, but she was even angrier. Over a year's worth of torment was too much to just let go, especially when, in this world, she was confident and strong enough to stand up for herself.
As soon as she walked through the door, Katou came rushing to her. Rage in both their hearts, this confrontation wouldn't end well.
"Kotonoha!" Katou yelled.
"Katou." Kotonoha spat back. They still had a good fifteen minutes before class started. That was more than enough time for her to tell Katou what she thought of her.
"You better have a damn good reason for why you missed yesterday's game." Katou growled.
"And why the hell should I care about some stupid basketball game?" Kotonoha smirked.
"How about, because you're a member of this team? Don't you even care that we lost?"
"Hmmm…" Kotonoha lifted her head in false thought. "Nope, not in the slightest."
"You knew how important this game was to me, to all of us. How could you let us down like that?"
"Let you down?" Kotonha laughed. "Let me ask you something, Katou. Don't you think I felt let down all those times you told me I was scum?"
"What are you-"
"Did you ever stop to think that maybe the lunches I tried so hard to make were important to me?"
"But you never make-"
"And how about all those times you threw mud on my uniform? Did you care then? No! You never cared. All you've ever done was push me around. You and your little squad of bitches." Students began to gather around them, eager to see the heated argument. "And why? For what? Because you're jealous of me? Is it because my chest is bigger? Do I remind you of your sister?"
"Shut up, Kotonoha."
"Or maybe it's because you just can't accept the fact that Makoto-kun chose me over you!"
Before Kotonoha knew it, she was on the floor. Her left cheek was red and swollen. Her mouth was visited by a warm, coppery taste of blood. Katou stood over her, holding her fist from the pain the crashing blow brought.
"How dare you talk about him that way? You knew how much that would hurt me." Katou turned her back to Kotonoha her words were practiaclly sobs. "As far as I'm concerned, we're no longer friends."
"We never were." Kotonoha replied, picking herself up. "I was tired of all your false kindness anyway."
Kotonoha pushed past Koizumi and a boy with black shoulder-length hair before leaving the classroom entirely. She couldn't deal with this. She felt nauseous at the pit of her stomach. Ignoring passing students and teachers, Kotonoha noticed one room in particular. It was the Kendo Club's storage room. Of course, in this world Kotonoha never had to quit Kendo. It was surprising that she wasn't part of the club. Still, Kotonoha shrugged the thought off and went inside. There was protective armor draped around in an unorganized fashion.
Sloppy.
She nearly tripped on one of the wooden swords they had so carelessly left scattered on the floor. It disgusted Kotonoha to see the bogu they wore and the boken they wielded treated with such disrespect. Kotonoha sighed, picking up the nearest sword and leaving the room. She continued on until she found the stairs leading to the roof of the school. At least there Kotonoha could clear her head.
Luckily for her, the door was open. The weather outside was a bit chilly, but not a big deal. Calmly, Kotonoha took her usual kendo stance. The violet-haired girl closed her eyes, waiting for the moment to begin. A gentle breeze began to blow her bangs back.
Now.
Kotonoha's eyes shot open as she made her first strike.
Swish
Swish
She sliced at the air in front of her, devastating her invisible opponent.
Parry
Block
It was his turn to attack now.
However, Kotonoha was not one to be on the defensive for long. In an instant she knocked his blade to the side and slashed at his non-existent throat.
Kotonoha felt herself start to sweat. She wiped her moist forehead.
Her cell phone read 8:45.
She thought she'd been out longer than that. Kotonoha shrugged, relieved of her stress and moved to the fence to get a nice view of campus. The sun was out and doing it's job of making things warm for the afternoon. There was a gym class out on the track. Ashikaga-kun was lagging behind the rest of them. She giggled to herself.
He never really seemed like the athletic type.
Although, in this universe, did she even know him?
This universe… What was it exactly?
Her life was going pretty well before she started searching for the truth. Perhaps she wished for-
Kotonoha's train of thought was interrupted by the sight of a black-haired girl entering school grounds.
No, brown.
Even at that distance, she recognized her instantly. A wide smirk crept across Kotonoha's face.
Kotonoha dashed down the steps and through the hallways, anxious to meet the girl before she made it inside. Kotonoha pushed her legs as hard as she could; breathing heavily as she descended stairway after stairway at speeds that would make track stars jealous. Finally, she made it to the front door. The girl would reach it at any second. Kotonoha gave herself a moment to catch her breath before opening the door to find the girl's face inches away from her own.
"Umm… hello." Saionji-san greeted in an uncharacteristically shy voice.
"Hi," Kotonoha replied. "I'm Kotonoha Katsura. You're Sekai Saionji, right?"
"Well, …yeah. How would you know that?"
This was almost too easy. "I've been noticing you around school and I think you'd be perfect to join our club." Kotonoha falsely grinned, gesturing to the boken in her hand.
"Uh, you see… the thing is…" Saionji stuttered
"It'll be fine," Kotonoha coaxed. "Just follow me."
Saionji-san sheepishly followed Kotonoha down the hallway, unaware of the fate that would befall her.
"Umm…" Saionji started to say. "What about class? I'm already late." the pair rounded a corner and began to ascend a flight of stairs.
"Don't worry about it." She lied confidently. "Our club has special permission to practice during school hours. Mr. Otanashi can write you a pass when we're done."
"B-but, I thought Mr. Miyagusugu was in charge of the Kendo Club."
Damn.
"Oh, well that's just the Boy's Kendo Club. Otanashi is in charge of the girls."
An akward silence befell the two of them. Kotonoha could tell by the look on Saionji's face that she knew something was amiss. The girl seemed lost in thought; as if she was trying to pick apart Kotonoha's story.
Finally, the two of them reached the door to the roof. Saionji stopped dead in her tracks as soon as she saw it. "Um, are you sure this is where the Girl's Kendo Club meets?"
"Of course I am, why?"
"B-because there… is no Girl's Kendo Club. I'm pretty sure the club is unisex."
"It's a recent change." Kotonoha quickly explained, grabbing Saionji's arm.
She was so weak.
"Hey, wait! Let go!" The bitch cried as Kotonoha dragged her out into the chill fall air.
Kotonoha was quick to lock the door before turning to Saionji who was shaking like a leaf. She was right to be scared. That bitch was going to pay for all the pain she put Kotonoha through. Katou may have been an awful human being, but Saionji didn't even deserve the title of human. She was not a girl, but a disgusting beast only serving to make everyone's lives more miserable.
"I-I knew it!" The creature whimpered in distress. "There was no way this could be for real. I've never no much as participated in gym class since I've been here. Wh-what do you want from me? Money? You can have it! All of it!" She cried, emptying her wallet as fast as she could.
"You think I want your money?" Kotonoha laughed, slapping the yen out of Saionji's hands. "You're pathetic. You worthless, wretched waste of space. Your very existence sickens me."
Kotonoha.
Kotonoha laughed hysterically as she raised her wooden sword above her head and slammed it against Saionji's shoulder. Saionji held her shoulder tightly and made a break for the door, hastily trying to get it open. "That won't work." Kotonoha cackled madly. "It's locked from the inside." Kotonoha rushed Saionji at about half speed to give Saionji a chance to evade her. After all, it was far more fun to chase the beast than to corner her. Saionji ran as fast as she could, looking on in terror as Kotonoha pursued her. The creature's face twisted in pure fear as it circled the small area, never quite finding a moments rest. It slowed down for a moment, only for the wooden blade to slam into it's back this time. It did it's best to continue running, but began to slow once again. Kotonoha stood still this time, observing her prey. The beast clutched it's chest, gasping for air. It fell to it's knees and desperately tried to crawl away.
Loathsome creature.
Kotonoha closed in, standing over it once again, ready to administer vengeance on the lowly slug that dared to cross her.
Kotonoha!
Kotonoha rose her blade once again and struck. This one hit it's head. It's dark brown hair became matted, tinted a disgusting crimson. Next was it's back, causing the creature to fall from all fours and into a fetal position. "You pathetic piece of garbage." She continued. "What made you think you were ever worthy of him? Huh?" Kotonoha dealt blow after crushing blow to the quivering mass of bruised flesh under her. "Answer me!"
"I-I'm sh-showee." It managed to slur.
KOTONOHA!
"Sorry? You take away the one thing in the world that means the most to me and you're sorry?" Kotonoha's assault became harder and faster. Blood began to pool under it. "What's worse, you destroyed his innocence and perverted him so horribly that now he only see's me as a sex object! You made him incapable of love! You cast your vile spell of lust and corruption on him, turning him into your own personal sex slave. You can't imagine the things I had to do just to get him to look at me again!" Kotonoha slammed the bloody boken into it harder and harder, delighted at hearing the crack of broken bones. "I want him back!" Kotonoha shrieked. "Give my Makoto-kun back to me!" Kotonoha made one final strike to It's neck before falling to her knees, exhausted. Silently, she sobbed, wanting nothing more than to be in his arms again.
She could never give up wanting to be with him. This world had a Makoto-kun, but he wasn't the same, even if he was kinder. Even with all of his faults, her Makoto-kun was still the one she would ever want to be with. In this world, her parents were alive, she had friends, and she was good at nearly everything. And yet in the name of the boy she loved, she had destroyed it all. Saionji had long since stopped moving. She had resolved to stop thinking about him and yet after only a few hours her thoughts were solely on him again. He was a destructive force in her life. If Saionji-san was what corrupted Makoto-kun, Makoto-kun was what corrupted Kotonoha. Like a moth to the flame she felt drawn to him. Kotonoha smiled to herself.
This was her world now. A world she'd corrupted; a world where she would face a lifetime of imprisonment for murder. It was better this way. Kotonoha was a danger to herself and those around her. After all, Makoto-kun didn't love her. If she returned to her world, She'd probably just end up kidnapping him the way Saionji did. What if he started dating another girl? Could Kotonoha really just let something like that happen?
Never.
Just look at what she did to Saionji-san. She didn't even feel bad about it. Kotonoha was insane, a sociopath. It made sense that Makoto-kun would never love her. No one in their right mind would.
Fight! Kotonoha, Fight!
She must have been hearing things.
Come on, damnit!
It couldn't be.
No! Come on!
"Makoto-kun?"
No, Kotonoha. You can't die!
"Makoto-kun, I-"
Don't leave me! Please!
"Makoto-kun, Why would you-"
I love you! I love you so much! I was an idiot. Too stupid to realize how much you meant to me.
"I'm only a burden to you." Kotonoha cried out. The scene around her blurred into darkness
Mom says you're obsessed with me. And honestly, she's right. But I love that side of you.
"You couldn't possibly mean that."
All I want is to be able to show you the same amount of attention and love that you always show me!
Tears began to fall down Kotonoha's cheeks.
"You once told me you wanted to be useful to me, well this time, let me be useful to you. I have to become a good boyfriend for you now.
To protect you, to support you.
I need to be there for you.
To stand up for you.
I'll be a shoulder to cry on, and someone to laugh with.
Let me make you lunch every once in a while.
For you, Kotonoha… I'd do anything…
It's because I want to be with you.
From now on, I'll believe in you.
I'll take care of you.
Because I'm you boyfriend, and…
I love you.
And I promise...
No matter what you do in the future,
Nothing will ever change that."
Kotonoha slowly opened her eyes to find her beloved staring down at her; a smile on his tear-stained face.
There he was: the true honest to goodness Makoto-kun. The boy from the train. Her Makoto-kun.
"I- I love you too, Makoto-kun."
Nothing else mattered...
Hi everyone, Phillyphil10 here. Normally I don't do an afterword, but this is something pretty important to me and I feel it would be wrong not to say something. This is a message to those of you who are religious as well as those of you who believe in God in general. Recently my friend Andy's mother passed away. As we all know, this can be extremely devastating so I've been praying for him. Hopefully God will help him get through this. So if at all possible I'd like you all to do the same. It doesn't matter which religion you are (I even don't have a specific religion) just so long as you please ask whatever deity you worship to please help Andy in this troubling time. As for those of you who don't believe in God, just hoping he'll get through this would be nice. You don't even need to tell me personally that you thought about him or prayed about him either. Because at the end of the day, even just you reading this is bound to get you at least thinking about him a little bit. And barring the criminally insane, I doubt any of you will wish ill of him. You see, I'm someone who has always believed firmly in the strength of the human heart. The way I see it, if we all wish him well, good things will happen. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. Thank you all.