December 19, 2011
Monday Night Raw
"Oh my God, fuck me!"
John stuck his head out of the bathroom at Punk's exclamation, "That doesn't sound like a request."
"It's not, I feel like I've been run over by a bus."
"The aftermath of TLC, nothing is worse than that except maybe a trip to the Elimination Chamber."
"You aren't fucking kidding. I need some aspirin or I'm going to die."
"You seemed pretty spry last night. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be walking with a limp today."
"Must have been the adrenaline or something."
"Poor baby. Let me get you those aspirin," John said, leaning down to kiss Punk lightly on the mouth. John pulled away but Punk grasped him by his wrists, turning them over to look at the livid marks that circled John's wrists.
"Those look like they hurt," Punk said, rubbing his thumbs lightly over the raised marks.
"I could care less when it was so much fun getting them. You're lucky I wear wristbands."
John reluctantly pulled his hands from Punk's, found the aspirin and water, bringing it to Punk who was still lying in bed.
"How's your hand?"
"Compared to the rest of me, not so bad."
"Take these and then go take a hot shower, it should ease the pain a bit. We've got to get downstairs soon for the flight to Philadelphia."
Punk quickly showered and walked back into the room and was taken aback when his eyes fell on the wreck they had made of the headboard.
"What are we going to do about that?" Punk asked, jerking his head towards the bed.
"I went downstairs while you were still asleep and paid the manager a very large sum of money to replace the bed and keep quiet. I can just imagine what would be flying around the internet if it got out that we destroyed our hotel bed."
They gathered their things and stepped out into the hallway. Kofi and Evan were standing in front of the elevator and turned when the door shut behind them. Kofi's eyes widened comically and Evan burst out laughing, punching Kofi in the arm.
"Dammit, now I owe you fifty bucks!"
Kofi continued to stare.
"Boy are you guys loud! It was like watching porn with the surround sound on. Kofi had to sleep with his headphones on."
"And what? You stayed up all night and listened?" Punk said, a blush taking over Evan's face as he stared at Punk.
"Well…"
"You…" John pointed at Evan, "Stop picturing my boyfriend naked. And both of you…do not even dare think of spreading this around."
"Who would we tell that doesn't already suspect something anyway, you two are way too close to be just friends, not to mention that you two disappear off together from time to time and when you come back you always look like you been…"
"Evan, please, stop while you're ahead before John becomes unhinged and tries to kill you."
"I'm just saying…"
"Say nothing or there's a chance blood might be spilled."
The elevator dinged and all four men got on the elevator.
"Wait…what was this bet about?" Punk asked, too curious for his own good.
"Well, we knew it was your room because we saw you go in, but we had no idea that John was even in Baltimore," Evan said, clearly not realizing that further conversation was a bad idea. "Kofi said that it had to be John in there with you but I thought…"
"You thought what? That I was sneaking around behind John's back! Who in the hell did you think I was in there with!"
"Well…Randy."
"Randy! But he's married…and straight…and he's Randy!"
"You two went from being enemies to being friends like overnight. And he's always with you and John."
"So you thought we were having some illicit threesome! Get your mind out of the gutter Bourne!"
"Well, if you're not involved with Randy can I…"
"Do not even finish that sentence if you value your life, Bourne," John said menacingly.
The elevator opened on the bottom floor and Evan took off like a shot, Kofi just shaking his head and following his tag team partner.
"I'm going to kill that kid!"
"Let's just ignore the existence of Air Boom for the rest of our lives," Punk said soothingly, hoping that John wouldn't chase after Evan and break both his legs.
John stalked into the lobby and sat next to Randy on a sofa.
"What's wrong with you?"
John just glared at Randy.
"What did I do?"
"Nothing. John, stop being an ass. Evan Bourne is under the impression that you are involved in a hot gay three-way with me and John."
"What! I'm going to kill that kid!"
"I'm pretty sure that line is forming behind John."
"Both of you need to chill, Evan is harmless."
"Bourne is a pervert and if he ever looks at you again I'm going to blind him," John said, still obviously pissed.
Punk wished for the first time in his life that he had some tranquilizers on hand because John and Randy were badly in need of them.
While in the line to get through security Punk noticed both John and Randy staring daggers at someone further up the line, of course it was Evan. Evan turned around and noticed the death glares being sent his way. Evan immediately turned around and stepped directly in front of Kofi, as if not being in Randy and John's sightline would make him disappear.
"I don't think security would appreciate an RKO or an AA while in line to get through the scanners. I can tell you most definitely that just because Evan's wacked out mind comes up with something strange doesn't make it true."
When they finally boarded the plane John pushed past Punk, making sure he took the middle seat between him and Randy. Usually John's jealousy both entertained and turned him on, but this irrational display was just moronic.
They finally arrived in Philadelphia after what seemed like the longest flight in his life. Randy had a rematch scheduled against Barrett, but as usual he and John were prey to Laurinaitis' on the spot booking. John still seemed wary of Randy, again inserting himself between them in the locker room. He also took the time to glower at Evan who looked like he wanted to melt into the walls. No one seemed to be beyond suspicion today when John practically dislocated his neck trying to eavesdrop on a conversation he was having with Zack and Daniel.
Randy left to head to the arena entrance and Punk followed Randy out of the locker room, with John rushing to follow them, still pulling on his clothes.
"Where are you two going?" John asked suspiciously.
"To get in a quickie before Randy's match, obviously. John, chill, I'm just going to the ring to crash the party. You might as well go back to the monitor bay Randy cause I plan to be out there for a while."
Randy just nodded and walked back the way they had come but John continued to hover around Punk.
"Is this thing with you dogging my every step going to become a permanent feature?"
"I considered going through your things and handcuffing us together."
"I'd love to see you try to explain that to the fans. I'm going out to the ring to celebrate the new era of the WWE. Just so you know Zack and Daniel will be joining me and I do not plan to have a live sex celebration with either of them. I think it's been made clear repeatedly that you and I belong to each other and no one else. Do you not trust me?"
"I trust you; it's everyone else that I don't trust. Just the idea of you with someone else makes my skin crawl."
"Well, go put some ointment on that and go back to the monitor bay and watch the show. If you still feel the need to have your jealousy put to rest feel free to abduct me and drag me off to some abandoned storage room. Listen, the show is about to start. I'll be back in a few and I have the feeling you'll be waiting for me when I come back. Here, snap me in." Punk handed John his belt and John snapped it into place around his waist.
Punk turned to the tech in the gorilla position, "Did the guys in the truck talk to you?"
"Yeah, we've got the graphics ready." The drum roll began and Punk grabbed a mic to perform a public service to the fans of announcing the results of TLC while getting in a few shots at Laurinaitis. He had to admit that while the guy was all the things that Punk said about him he was really getting tired of saying them. If only Laurinaitis would disappear into thin air he would be happy to see that part of his usual routine evaporate away. He almost missed the days when he was at the mercy of a laptop.
He entered the ring with his music blaring over the speakers and the crowd going wild which still seemed off-putting from time to time because the days when he was booed out of the building were not that far gone. He announced the results of the US Title match and the Heavyweight title match to the crowd, Zack and Daniel coming to the ring in turn.
When talking up Philadelphia as a city that appreciated actual professional wrestling and ECW chant broke out. Punk had no doubt that they weren't referring to the C show that the WWE had created. It seemed that the memory of ECW would never die. Since the PG rating had been enforced the fans had been sorely lacking in the type of violence that ECW had brought to the table.
The three men passed the mic around, celebrating the new WWE that last night had brought about but they were eventually interrupted by Miz, Ziggler and del Rio, the newest members of the WWE sore losers club. They circled the ring and titles were thrown haphazardly to the ground in preparation for a fight. I didn't turn out to be much of a fight when last night's losers were run out of the ring, some never even managing to get in the ring at all.
Punk watched in confusion as the three men huddled up to find a new tactic. What precisely was with the huddle, were they playing touch football now instead of wrestling. Zack obviously saw this as an opening as Punk watched Zack fly past him to suicide dive the huddled men. It took them out briefly, but they recovered in time to ram Zack into the steps.
He and Daniel chased them up the ramp but before they could exact any punishment Laurinaitis came out to break their fun up. For once Laurinaitis seemed to be thinking with an actual working brain when he scheduled a six-man tag match as the main event.
John decided to do a little party crashing of his own and went out to the ring to confront Kane about the attack last week. John had made Punk promise not to get involved no matter what happened, as everyone knew Kane was a complete nut job. Punk wondered how Kane would even know he was being called out because he doubted that there were monitors in whatever dank basement Kane was occupying at the moment.
Instead summoning Kane to the ring it was Mark Henry who showed up. With Kane back and no Heavyweight title to defend, Punk wondered why Henry had not chosen to flee the state to get away from the possible wrath of Kane. Henry seemed intent on inducting John into the Hall of Pain. All of a sudden Kane's pyro went off. Punk had made friends with the majority of the guys backstage but had never tried to get in with the pyro guys since he didn't have any. They were obviously a group of techs with a few screws loose if they were following the directions of Kane.
Kane came to ringside and it seemed like he was stalking Henry but he made an abrupt about face and went after John in the ring. Kane stood on the ring apron, removing his new welding mask to reveal the other mask. Punk wondered exactly what was mentally wrong with a person who felt they needed two masks. Kane entered the ring but John charged him, sending him outside the ring, but unfortunately Kane landed on his feet, dragged John out the ring, and sent him flying on top of the announce table. Punk could feel his muscles twitching from restraining himself not to go out to the ring like John expressly told him not to.
Punk decided he didn't give a fuck what John wanted when Kane began to smother John while he was laid out on the table. Punk jumped from his seat and took off. By the time he made it to the arena entrance Kane was gone and John was slowly walking up the ramp, clearly shaken up, bleeding from the mouth and shirtless for some reason. The trainers immediately took John back to the training room, Punk following behind, and gave John some oxygen after he was almost suffocated. They finally let John go, the blood being from a minor cut on the inside of his lip.
John seemed extremely reticent about what happened with Kane when he realized that Punk had missed the end of the confrontation because he had been making his way to the arena entrance. Luckily they were met in the hall by a worried Randy.
"What the hell was that! What kind of sick fuck strips your shirt off you and takes it as some kind of trophy!"
John didn't respond and Punk was feeling a combination of horror and anger. John had almost been asphyxiated and then purposely neglected to tell Punk the whole story.
"Randy, can you give us a minute; I need to talk to Phil."
"Damn right we need to talk!"
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you the whole story, but Kane is unhinged and I don't want you anywhere near him, you need to understand that I don't want you involved in this, no matter what goes down. I restrain myself from interfering in your matches, even when you're being beat to all hell. We're professional wrestlers and you should be able to trust me to take care of myself."
Punk reluctantly nodded and returned to the monitor bay while John went to the locker room to get another shirt.
"What the hell!" Evan shouted.
The roster turned their attention to the monitors. It was another one of those creepy as hell videos. Just when Punk thought that the WWE was improving exponentially it had quickly become something more like a horror movie.
It was finally time for his match and Zack had convinced him and Daniel that it would be a great idea to enter the ring through the audience. The hallways were pretty empty considering it was the main event, so Punk was able to pick an entrance without being mobbed. Punk, Zack and Daniel made their way to the ring without issue. The first five minutes of the match were pretty lopsided in their favor; it took all that time for the other team to even get in one offensive maneuver.
That one offensive maneuver turned into a series, the other team keeping Daniel in their corner and away from a possible tag out. They fought their way back as a team, Daniel getting del Rio to tap to the LeBell Lock. They took their time leaving the arena after their win, Punk taking particular pleasure in standing on top of the announce table, raising the belt over his head causing Cole to have a conniption fit.
Punk returned backstage and breathed a sigh of relief. Christmas vacation was on and the sore losers club and Kane were certainly not invited. Punk showered quickly and found John waiting for him when he exited the shower.
"We're off for the week and besides having to see our families what are we going to do?" Punk said heatedly.
"Christmas shopping of course!"
"Shopping?" Punk asked, hoping for any answer besides the one that John had given.
AN: So inspiration did come, after a freaky dream at 3AM. Instead of sleeping like a normal human I elected to drag my laptop into bed and write. I believe I have invented sleepwriting, which is how the whole Randy insanity was conceived. For writing something while pretty much still asleep it didn't turn out half bad. Thank you once again to my great reviewers.