Again thanks to all of you who read, review or put this story on alert :) You are the best! And because you are so awesome this is the longest chapter so far. I'm not so sure I'm really glad how it turned out. So please feel free to give me advise. Either by reviewing or though a PM.
Disclaimer: Nothing from Glee belongs to me.
Danny was surprised to see Brittany so determined after the talk they had. He had told her that he was a therapist and the reason Santana hired him. She was upset but understanding. He thought she would need more time to process everything. He had proposed to be her therapist and helping her on a now professional level especially with the new issue at hand. He knew she needed the help, and he hoped with all he got that she would accept his proposition.
The blonde stood in front of Danny and knew what she wanted.
"I have thought about all you said and I kind of came to a conclusion to what I want to do. I'm so scared. I know it's not necessary but I am. There are always thoughts like what if I don't get better?
What if I can't make it? What if I loose it again? There are so many things I'm afraid of but you know yesterday I was so angry. At first at Santana going behind my back. Then at you for lying to me every time you saw me and pretending to be my friend. But then I realized the only person I'm really mad at is me. And him. I thought about Santana how she cared for me and how hurt she looked whenever I didn't feel well. I thought about how you were always kind to me and helped to get as far as I am now." Brittany paused for a moment. This wasn't easy for her. She had opened up to Danny many times before but talking about your deepest fears and feelings was never easy.
"I am mad at me for not fighting enough. For being so weak before. For causing the people I love so much hurt. But most of all I am angry at him. For killing my friends, hurting them and hurting me. Making me broken and crippled.
What I need is help but I don't think I can trust any therapist it's just too much. You know what he did and my whole body trembles when I even think about going to see one. That's why I want to take you up on your offer and be officially your patient."
Danny was quiet speechless. He couldn't express how happy Brittany's trust made him. He knew he shouldn't have but under these unusual circumstances he came to like the blonde woman and really wanted to help her. Just as Danny was about to say that he was proud of her Brittany spoke up again.
"I have one condition though. I want you to tell me what happened to him. Since I woke up I have never asked about him. Is he in custody? Was he killed? I don't remember how I got out of the dance studio. I only remember being in the ambulance. I need to know Danny."
The blonde gulped audibly.
"Listen Brittany I don't think it's good for you to worry about these things now. You should start therapy first and get your emotions under better control." Danny saw the blondes body tremble and her mouth opened to protest. But he intercepted her words.
"Let's make a deal. Give me two weeks. Two weeks of therapy before I tell you okay? I promise I will tell you I just think you should talk about the issues at hand first."
Brittany wanted to protest at first. She wanted to know what happened to the sick bastard. And of course to all the other dancers that were there. She wanted to see them apologize and visit the graves of the ones who she is sure have died. That's what she wanted to yell directly into Danny's face but something stopped her. Out of the corner of her eye she could see herself in a mirror that hung on the wall. She peeked in it and even from afar she could see that she was still thinner than she should be. Her hair was still lifeless and her skin missed the glow that always seemed to emit from it. She looked like the ghost of someone. She had seen herself countless time in a mirror but in this particular moment she thought she never saw herself so clearly. She still looked broken and here was Danny offering her the mending she so desperately needed. She looked at him again and just nodded.
"Good now I should probably tell you how this works and what we will do in these two weeks."
Santana sat shoulders slumped. Quinn was standing in front of the stove to fry the bacon to be the perfect delicious treat she thought it was. The blonde waited patiently for Santana to talk to her. She knew out of experience that she would eventually talk. And Quinn had took the day off so she had plenty of time to wait for her.
Santana didn't know where to start. It was an understatement if she said she was embarrassed at herself or more at her feelings.
"Q I'm just so embarrassed at myself. You know I love and trust Brittany with my life don't you?" The Latina looked up at the blonde in front of her. Right in her hazel eyes and saw her nod.
"It's just damn I miss Britt. And most of all I'm scared. I don't know how she is right now. Last time I saw her she was a mess. Next thing I know she is off to that Danny guy. I mean seriously? I know he is a therapist but til yesterday she didn't know that. Why did she chose him instead of me? Fuck Q see what I mean? I get all these crazy thoughts and I feel so bad afterward because I know she would never do that to me. But the thoughts remain. Especially when I'm alone here at night. I can't stop thinking. I feel so messed up." Santana was starting to tremble. She was trembling because she held tears at bay that would spill infinite. She was trembling because she tried to hold herself together. Tried not to break down in front of Quinn.
Santana felt hazel eyes on her. She didn't want to meet the gaze because she knew the dam would break.
"San look at me." Quinn's voice was gentle. She saw that the brunettes shaking increased. Probably because she fought now not only tears but the urge to look her in the eye.
"Santana please look at me." Quinn tried again with the most gentle voice and a reassuring hand on Santana's shoulder.
The Latina knew that she couldn't look away forever so she slowly lifted her head to see Quinn's concerned eyes.
"It's okay. It's all going to be okay." Quinn whispered while engulfing Santana in a warm and loving embrace. And just like predicted she started to cry into Quinn's shirt. The blondes grip was tight. She held Santana for a long time. All the while whispering comforting words. After Santana cried for the longest time and slowly started to be calmer again she lifted her out of her embrace and looked her right in the eye.
"I know when you are worried and don't know what's going on you can become really crazy. And I know that you don't really mean all those things San. Trust Brittany. You know you can and try to think positive because this could be her chance for a real and permanent recovery. Be strong for her again San." This time the brunette saw tears in these hazel eyes as well. She couldn't feel more blessed for a friend like Quinn. Since Brittany started to drift away he has become Santana's rock. She would always be there to help or pick up the pieces. Now both women were crying hugging each other tightly.
After they were finished crying and reassuring each other (well Quinn reassuring Santana) they ate their breakfast and snuggled up on the couch to watch movies all day and just be lazy.
It was a nice change. They sat talked and laughed for a bit forgetting about everything just enjoying themselves.
Brittany eyed Danny curiously. Wasn't she just going to his office for a few times a week and be done with it?
"There are a few rules you should follow so that your recovery success is the highest it can be. First rule: No Santana. I don't want you to burden yourself with some puppy dog eyes because you don't like to be touched or anything. Second Rule: Don't miss any appointments. They are the key so don't fight them. I know this seems natural but there are patients who try to avoid them after a few sessions because they can be quiet draining. And now the third and most important rule: No contacting or researching about anyone involved. You just started to feel better and I don't want to risk that do you understand me?" Danny looked more serious than she has ever seen him. Brittany guessed that she had to get used to this because now he was her therapist and acted accordingly.
Brittany knew that two weeks without Santana would be hard but she chose this path and she knew better than to question Danny. He was one of the main reasons she was here and not walking the earth like a corpse. "Okay Danny. I'll stick to your rules but don't you dare forget our deal."
"I'm a man that keeps his word. But only if you keep yours and I mean it. No Slip ups allowed."
She saw how serious Danny was and with a quick nod she acknowledged that she understood. She gave him a small smile.
"So doctor when do we start?" The blonde asked rather playfully in an attempt to lighten up the mood.
"How about right now?" Brittany blinked a few times surprised. After two seconds her demeanor changed and all Danny saw was determination and that was good. She needed that.
A week has passed since Quinn and Santana's lazy day at home. It really helped them to get even closer than they were before. They still teased each other as if there was no tomorrow but deep down they felt their connection growing stronger. Quinn spend much time over at the Latina's place to entertain her as best she could. She knew she felt lonely and wanted to keep her mind of things as much of possible.
Both women were sitting in the kitchen eating some pizza they ordered when Santana spoke up.
"How long will it take for Britts to get better? Or good enough to come back?" The brunette mumbled while shoving a big piece of pepperoni pizza into her mouth. Quinn had guessed that this would come up again but she still didn't know the answer this question.
"When she's ready San. We can just hope that she took Danny's offer and is now starting on therapy. But even if she didn't where could she get better faster if not with a psychologist?" the brunette nodded. She knew that Brittany was trying her best. And like she said so many months ago they had to fight for her. Or this time rather with her. They couldn't lose hope, focus or patience. For now the brunette had enough of this heavy topic she wanted to enjoy her time with Quinn and not spend the day breeding over a question they can't answer.
"Well that's enough for now about it don't you think Q? I mean we have this awesome pizza right in front of us a huge stash of movies and a comfy couch waiting for us what can we want more?" Santana smiled and Quinn was happy to see it was one of her genuine ones. The Latina had probably perfected the art of "fake smiling" at the age of four. The only one who could always tell if her smile was honest was Brittany. But Quinn got better too. The past months have given her a deeper insight into the girl in front of her. They were tarred with the same brush. HBIC on the outside and how Brittany called it "marshmallow fluff" on the inside. They didn't let just anyone in. But when they did they trusted them and stood by them and that's what Quinn was doing now. Standing by Santana. Isn't that what best friends are for?
Brittany's week was more than exhausting. She had sessions with Danny every day.
His practice was just a short walk away from his apartment. It was painted in a really nice yellowish beige. In the waiting room was a comfy couch and a little black table where all kinds of magazines were placed. A small corridor connected the waiting room with the actual session room. It was in the same tone as the waiting room but seemed more inviting because there was this huge window in the room which made the light fall in leaving the room glowing softly. There was a chair and a couch prepared so that you could ever sit down or if you wanted to even lay down. Danny sat behind his desk or opposite her.
She had talked about what happened so often that she it felt easier every time. She knew it was a good sign. Although that didn't mean that the shame and guilt and all this terror she felt was gone. The feeling of having let down the people who died. Brittany knew that she would always remember them. Danny assured her that they would get there that she herself will see that only Kyle is to blame for the shooting. No one else.
She thought the hardest part was to talk about the rape. In this week it was the first time she had really named the crime herself. Admitted what happened to her and really started to deal with. It was a big step for her and she felt good.
Brittany felt less burdened. She always thought that admitting everything that happened to her would just make her feel even more disgusted with herself but that was not the case. All she got from Danny was positive replies and encouragement. There was no one who called her out for mistakes she thought she made. He managed to give her the distance and perspective she needed to slowly see things differently.
Every time she made progress and the sessions were over Danny would smile warmly at her. And of course there was Santana. Though she couldn't contact or see her she thought more about her in the past week than she ever had. Just the thought that she was out there waiting for her to come home to love her like no one else could made her fight even harder when things seemed too much.
She knew that the Brittany they both once knew was gone forever. But she also knew that the Brittany who was now coming through with each day wasn't as broken and lost as she always thought she would be. She hadn't realized before that only because she would never be the same again it meant automatically that she wouldn't be herself anymore. Danny always said to her that she would forever carry this memory with her but with time and his help they would make it less painful and make her able to live with it and love herself again. The new Brittany wouldn't be a totally different person but she would definitely never be the same again.
The blonde dancer had come to accept that. Danny helped her with that and she was really grateful for that. Just another week and she would get her answers.
Days went by and almost another week had passed. For Santana and Brittany the week had stretched painfully. Both were waiting for something. Santana for Brittany's return and Brittany for the end of her two week "deal arrangement" with Danny.
It was their last session together before Brittany would get her answers. Danny looked at her slowly. She looked a lot better than two weeks ago. They had numerous sessions and to avoid further flashbacks he prescribed her Prazosin. It was something for people with PTSD (post-traumatic-stress-disorder) and helps against panic an anxiety fits by blocking their processor and holding the blood pressure at bay. He knew in her phase of recovery another flashback like the one she had that led her to her wild bathroom scrubbing could happen. And especially taking into consideration that he had to answer her questions tomorrow it was a good decision.
"So Brittany how do you feel today?" Danny always called her Brittany in their sessions. At first the blonde found it strange but soon got used to it because his whole demeanor change to one of a professional at work.
"Well actually I feel kind of good today. Today was the first time since I started feeling again that I looked in the mirror and didn't feel like I was the biggest piece of dirt there is." another thing Brittany learned was to be brutally honest. Danny needed no consideration. Only honesty.
"Glad to hear that. Okay Brittany I think we talked these past thirteen days much about everything regarding the shooting and let the focus stay on everything before the rape. But today I really want to focus on that." Brittany sucked in a breath. She did that every time they talked about rape. Danny was sure she didn't even notice it. It was a subconscious reflex.
"Okay I mean it's not like we haven't talked about it before." Brittany tried to sound nonchalant. But to be honest this topic always managed to tie a knot into her guts.
"Good. We have always spoken about the situation itself and what happened. What Kyle did to you. But you never opened up to what you felt at that specific moment. Tell me what did you feel right before Mike was overpowered and you knew what Kyle would do to you." Danny was pressing extra hard today. He knew she didn't like to say his name but he always insisted on it. Much like Hermione Granger in Harry Potter he said we shouldn't be afraid of a name. It would only lead to more anxiety against the person or thing behind it.
A minute of silence echoed through the room. And Brittany still hadn't said anything.
"Come on Britt what have you felt? Work with me here. I can't do this on my own. Remember I'm the one who leads you to and opens doors for you. But it's your job to follow me and go through them. I can't do that for you."
As if she didn't know that? What was he implying? That she didn't take this seriously enough?
"I know that okay?" Brittany was angry. Angry at herself that she couldn't talk about this how she wanted to. And Danny was the only one she could vent her anger at.
"I was fucking terrified okay. I lay naked in a room that was drenched in the blood of my friends while the ones who were still alive watched Kyle grope me all over an fuck me. I felt so sick at every thrust he made and every time his lips met mine or his hands roamed my body. I felt as if I was defiled and could never be clean again. I felt as if I had betrayed Santana because someone that wasn't her had been intimate with me. I felt so ashamed for not fighting back more. Can you imagine that? Some of your closest friends seeing you naked while someone shoves something in you and you can't do anything? You feel like you are not worth anything. I read that the first paragraph in the german constituition states that the human dignity is untouchable. On this day, in that moment, even tough it was just for a little while, he took that from me. He damaged something essential in me "
Danny was kind of shocked about Brittany's outburst. He knew he was digging deep today until today she always seemed rather calm talking about it. As the professional he was his face didn't show anything of his surprise.
"Really good Brittany. You dug deep and got anything out. It's okay to be angry,hurt and feel. I mean isn't that was has been missing?Feelings? I can assure you that many people who have been assaulted sexually feel the way you described. As if they could have done anything. I'm here to always tell you that you couldn't have don more. But not only for that but also to tell you that this doesn't define you in any way. It doesn't make you dirty or stains you. I know you won't get over this just because I assure you but always think of that. What I wanted to address today especially was your recently developed animosity at being touched. I think this goes down to you feeling of being dehumanized. You said that you felt as if he got to your human dignity. Are you afraid that someone could do that again to you?" Brittany started trembling. She felt as if Danny had never been deeper inside her head. As if he was at the most black part of soul and managed to pull the dirt directly out of there and address it, make her face it.
"I don't know it's just that it reminds me of Kyle's touch. How much I hated it. How ashamed it made me. And also how worthless I felt. Like I wasn't human. Just some thing you could toy with to your pleasing." The blonde choked back a sob. She had lifted her legs up and hugged them tightly. She looked like a scared little child waiting for their parents to assure her that everything was just a bad dream.
Danny knew it wouldn't be wise to press this matter just yet. They had made so much progress today that he didn't want this to be in vain.
"It's okay Brittany. We can stop here today. It's okay." the woman looked up at him.
"How can this be okay?" she said through tears.
"I know it may sound unbelievable now but give this matter more time. Eventually you will learn to deal better with these feelings. We will dig up the reason behind all of it. It will lift your burden and help you cope better. Trust me I can and will help you."
Brittany nodded. She was so exhausted. This session was the one that left her emotionally completely drained. All she wanted to do was to go to bed and sleep.
She doesn't know how she made it back to the apartment all she knew was that she was lying in bed exhausted.
Tomorrow she would get her answers. She would finally hear the last details about the shooting.
And before she fell asleep she thought of the tanned beautiful woman waiting for her. Just a little bit and she could go back to her. And though she knew she wasn't whole yet, not fully herself she managed to stop being shattered. She was getting there, every step taking her nearer to herself. A step closer home.
A/N: I don't think I have to mention how awesome reviews are, do I? :P