Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyers owns Twilight. I do not.

A/N: Also thanks to my awesome Beta, Blueboarderchick.

Chapter Three

Stepping through the door, I nervously looked around for any sign of Edward. I didn't find him in the living room, so I assumed he was in my room waiting for me. My hands gripped the banister as I slowly walked up the stairs, trying to think of a way to tell him I couldn't give him my forever anymore. This would be one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

My heart pounded away in my chest as I walked toward my door. Drawing in a fortifying breath, I opened the door to come face to face with a very hurt vampire. We stood, staring at each other in silence for a few moments. He was still so beautiful. I looked into eyes, topaz eyes I once longed to have for myself, and saw his agony. For the second time today, my heart broke. His hair looked like he had run his hands through it repeatedly in frustration. I still loved him so very much, that, I was sure, would never change. He was my first love and what we shared was so intense, earth shattering but in the end so …unhealthy.

I decided to take the chicken shit way out. Trying to delay the inevitable, I asked, "Where did you go?"

"I went to see Alice, Bella. I know… She saw you at Dartmouth... without me." Hence the reason for his hurt expression.

And just like, hot trails of tears burned their way down my cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Edward, but I can't marry you and I don't want to be a vampire anymore. I can't give up my life and hurt my parents like that." I stumbled over to my bed and sat down.

Edward crossed the room and gently lowered himself on the bed. He looked so crushed that I felt compelled to take his hand in a futile attempt to comfort him. It hurt more than anything, knowing that I was the source of his pain.

"Bella, I never wanted to become a vampire and I didn't want this life for you. You don't have to change. We could still be together." He looked at me with desperate hope in his eyes.

I felt it was best to be completely honest with him. "Edward, don't you see how that could never work? Edward, you're seventeen and you'll be seventeen forever, but in a month I'll be nineteen. I'll never be happy growing older while you stay the same. How can we be happy when we can't even really kiss each other? And…" I felt myself blush crimson. "Sex would be out of the question. Someday I might want kids, Edward. I don't want kids right now, but I don't want to close off that possibility forever either."

"Where is all this coming from all of a sudden, Bella? This is really about that mutt, isn't it? You're leaving me to be with him." He narrowed his and clenched his jaw. Oh great, he was mad. But it was easier to deal with an angry Edward, than it was to deal with a hurt Edward.

In response to his anger, my temper flared. "Edward, this has nothing to do with Jacob! This is about us and how I always felt about myself when I was with you. I never once felt like your equal. I know now that was one of the reasons I wanted you to change me. If I was a vampire too I wouldn't have felt so insecure whenever we were together. But I know now how stupid I was being. I shouldn't have to change everything about myself to feel beautiful enough for you."

Edward looked like I had just slapped him in the face. "Bella, I always thought that you beautiful just the way you are."

"I know that, Edward, but it's hard being around someone like you. Who's so physically perfect all the time, when I'm…not. It's just too hard. I want to be okay with who I am. Clumsy, imperfect, pale…me. I feel like I need to find myself. I still love you, Edward, and I don't think that will ever change. But in truth, I never really dealt with how much it hurt me when you left. I think that my trust in you never went back to the way it was before. I was always so afraid that you would disappear on me again, that I didn't want to let you out of my sight. I pushed all of my friends away to be with you. Everything was about you. I didn't want to go to college. I didn't want to do anything but be with you. That wasn't healthy at all." I bowed my head. I was ashamed of myself and how much I let him take over my life.

"I didn't know you felt that way, Bella," He mumbled, looking every bit as stunned as he sounded.

"Truthfully, Edward, I didn't know I felt that way myself until earlier and that's why I can't marry you, Edward. I don't think I'm the one for you. You should be with someone you can really be yourself with. Someone you wouldn't have to hold back with. You deserve to have that with someone, Edward. You deserve to have a real relationship. We both do." I said, feeling better that I was getting my feelings out into the open.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I will never forgive myself for what I did to you when I left. I really messed up our relationship. Didn't I?" He looked so broken and dejected.

I laid my head on his shoulder. It was hard to know that I was the cause of his pain. "Maybe we both did, Edward. But... I know this might be too much to ask but... do you think we could still be friends? You still mean so much to me. I don't want to cut you out of my life." I was still selfish enough to want to keep him in my life.

"I'll always want to be in your life, Bella. Whatever you want me to be I'll be." He reassured as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder. My eyes drifted close, savoring his cool embrace.

I thought back to earlier, when I was looking at the engagement ring on my finger. I had taken it off my finger, placing it in my pocket. Even though I knew that this would hurt him even more, it still had to be done.

Pulling away from him, I removed the ring from my pocket before handing it back to him. "Edward, I'm sorry but I can't keep…" I could barely finish the sentence. Edward was devastated. Why did this have to be so hard?

"Bella, please, the ring is yours to keep." He made no movement to take back the ring.

"Edward, this ring belongs to your future wife and we both know that's not me, not anymore. I'm giving this back to you, so you can give it to the woman that could love you the way you deserve. I don't feel right keeping it. Please take it." I offered the ring again.

He stretched out his hand and I pressed the ring into his palm, knowing it would be harder for him to take it from me. He cradled me as I burst into tears once more. I felt as if I was drowning in sorrow. I wished that things were different. That I was different, stronger, better. It was a while before I was able to pull myself together.

I pulled away, wiping at my face. It wasn't fair to Edward. I'd just broken his heart, I couldn't let him comfort me.

"Tomorrow, I'll use the plane tickets I got from Carlisle and Esme and go see Renee. I really need some time away by myself before school starts in the fall. But don't worry I'll be back to see you guys before I go. Tell Alice not to worry. She can still start shopping for my college wardrobe." I cringed, knowing I just unleashed hell with those words. Edward saw my expression and chuckled softly.

"Are you guys still going off to the University of Alaska?" I wondered if I would have a chance to see the family before they left.

"Yes, but I think I'll take some time off to travel before I join the others in Alaska. But we won't leave until you return from Renee's." He paused, listening to something in the distance. "Charlie is on his way home. He'll be here any minute. I should get going."

He got up and I followed him to my window where we stood gazing at each other intently. He sadly smiled my favorite crooked smile and said, "I'll always love you, Bella. If you ever change your mind, I'll be waiting."

A part of me wanted to beg him to stay with me, not to leave me. That part was screaming, telling me that I was a fool for giving Edward up. That I'd regret it, that no one else would ever love me like he did, that I would die alone. Tell him you made a mistake. Say you take it all back, it hissed. But I resisted the urge by digging my nails into my palms instead.

"I'll always love you too, Edward." He climbed out my window and disappeared into the night. I didn't need to tell him I would never change my mind.

A minute later, I heard Charlie pulling up in his cruiser. I then remembered that with everything that happened today, I never got around to making dinner for Charlie. I arrived downstairs just as he was hanging up his gun holster. His eyes narrowed as he peered at my face, observing the splotchy redness left over from crying. With slumped shoulders, he walked to the living room and sat in his recliner. After trailing behind him and I sank down on the couch.

"I assume you saw Jacob?" I nodded yes. It was safer to remain silent as I didn't know what excuse Billy had used to explain to Charlie why Jacob was hurt.

"Bella, if I ever hear about you riding on that death trap of a motorcycle again, you'll catch hell from me. Do you understand?" Boy he was really serious about this.

"Sure, Dad." I wasn't interested in riding motorcycles anymore anyway.

"I just came from Billy's. I can't believe Jacob almost killed himself today on one of those things," he sighed and raked a hand through his thinning hair. He looked so stressed out. Guilt gnawed at me, remembering all the things I had put him through this past year.

"Dad, I have something to tell you." His eyes narrowed with suspicion.

"What?" He queried cautiously.

Drawing a deep breath, I announced, "The engagement is off. Edward and I broke up."

I watched as his face burned red with rage.

"What did he do?" He snarled. His right had twitched as if he wanted to get his gun.

I hurried to explain. "Edward didn't do anything, Dad. I broke it off with him because I felt like things were moving too fast. I'm not ready to get married." Charlie sagged back in his chair, not even bothering to hide his relief. He'd never liked Edward and was happy to witness our relationship's demise.

Suddenly a knowing smile broke out on his face and he questioned, "Does this have anything to do with Jacob Black?"

"Dad!"

My cheeks were burning. "I do care about Jake but it's not the reason I broke up with Edward." Then I mumbled under my breath, "Not completely anyway."

"What? I didn't hear that last part."

"I said, I think I want to go spend some time with mom before I go off to college. I want to use the birthday tickets I got from the Cullens."

"Your mom will be glad to see you. When do you want to fly out there?"

"I was thinking tomorrow."

"Why so soon? Are you okay?" He was concerned again. Probably worried I was going to have another breakdown again.

"Yeah Dad, I'm fine. I just need some time to be by myself for a while."

"You're not running away, are you?" His eyes narrowed again as he assessed me.

"No, I'm not Dad." I said lying through my teeth. I was running from Jacob but no one needed to know that.

I decided to change the subject. "Hey Dad, can you call and order a pizza or something? After everything that happened today, I'm not really in the mood to cook."

"Sure thing, Bells."

"I'll go upstairs and pack my stuff, then I'll call mom to let her know I'm coming." I got up from the couch and made my way upstairs. Retrieving my suitcase from my closet, I began packing. Charlie's voice was heard from downstairs as he ordered a pizza on the phone. Guilt gnawed at my stomach for all the secrets I'd kept from him. I hadn't been a very good daughter to him. I vowed that when I was away at college I would call him often. It was the least I could do.

When I was finished with packing, I sat on my bed, deciding to call Renee. The phone rang twice before she answered.

"Hello?" She answered with a smile in her voice.

"Hi Mom."

"Hi baby, how are you? You sound strange." Her voice was tinged with worry.

"I'm okay... I was wondering if I could come spend some time with you."

"Sure baby, when did you want to come down?"

"I was thinking tomorrow." I fiddled nervously with the blanket covering my bed.

She paused then asked, "Is everything okay?"

I blinked back the tears. "Not really, Mom. Can I tell you everything when I get to Florida?" I wasn't in the mood to rehash everything right now.

"Okay honey. What time does your flight come in?" Renee replied, with a bit of hesitance in her tone.

"I'll call the airline later, then I'll text you the information, okay?"

"Sure baby. See you tomorrow." Renee sounded reluctant to hang up. She was probably torn between wanting to hear the gory details now and not wanting to push me. We said our goodbyes then hung up. I called the airline and arranged a flight. I sent Renee the flight information and avoided Charlie until I heard the pizza arrive.

Charlie and I sat in the kitchen and ate in uneasy silence. Occasionally, he would glance at me, regarding my dismal features with a thoughtful frown. Thankfully, he choose to keep his speculation to himself. After dinner, he offered to drive me to the airport and I accepted. I dragged weary body to bed and cried myself to sleep, dreaming of black haired children.

The flight to Florida was boring and I spent the majority of it napping. Dreams and tears prevented me from getting enough sleep the night before. I collected my suitcase at the baggage claim and stood off to the side trying to find Renee. I heard her excited scream before I saw her running toward me. She gave me a hug that rivaled one of Jake's, then dragged me out to the car. She told me that, for the two weeks that I would be staying, she would be taking leave of absence from work.

"But, Mom, you didn't have to do that. I would have found some way to entertain myself until you got home." She was making me nervous. I really didn't like her having so much time to concentrate on me. Not when there were things I could never tell her. Things about vampires, werewolves and the many times I almost died in the past two years.

"It's no sacrifice at all, honey. I want to spend this time with before you go off to college. I still can't believe my baby is so grown up." She got all misty eyed.

After arriving at the house, I unpacked my bags, all the while listening to Renee ramble on excitedly about all the fun things she'd planned for my visit. All in all, I heard something about a shopping expedition, the beach and an arts market. I groaned when I heard the word shopping but I was excited about going to beach. I couldn't wait to sit in the sand and feel the sun on my face. The thought alone was enough to lift my spirits.

I went into the kitchen and helped her fix a chicken spaghetti lunch. It was nice, not having to watch her like a hawk, making sure she didn't try to add anything nasty to the food. We ate in the kitchen and I listened in silence as she talked about Phil and her job. I still wasn't ready to talk about everything that happened, and was grateful that she understood this without saying a word.

Later that night, Phil came home from practice and we all spent the evening watch the movie, Clear and Present Danger. It was an old movie but it wasn't bad. It was Phil's favorite movie. Renee and I joked that he must have an unhealthy obsession with Harrison Ford because he'd seen that movie over fifteen times. It didn't take long for Renee and Phil to notice the cheerless cloud, hanging over me. Despite Renee's protests, I retreated to my room, climbed into bed and fell into a fitful sleep.

I awoke to my mother jumping up and down on my bed.

"Time to wake up, sweetie. We have the entire day to spend in bed." I got off the bed and walked to the bathroom grumbling about cutting off her sugar supply.

After using the bathroom, I brushed my teeth then returned to the bedroom. Renee had the bed littered with movies and food. We spent the next few days day in that same pattern, lying in bed eating junk food and watching romantic comedies. It was nice. Just doing something as simple as watching movies with Renee helped soothe some of my fears about what I was about to walk away from.

We finally found time to go to the beach, where I got to enjoy the sun and the sand. At the beach though, I thought about Jacob and his sunny smile entirely too much. I called Charlie every night. He sounded a little sad and anxious, when he asked about my coming home. Miraculously Alice didn't call, so I knew Edward had gotten her to give me some space. Saturday came and we went to the art market. I bought a nice bracelet and Renee bought flip-flop sandals for herself and Phil. We wandered around aimlessly, checking out the different stalls. Eventually, my attention was drawn by a group of drummers with two women dancing, entertaining a crowd of onlookers.

As I stood in the crowd watching the women moving their bodies like gypsies, I longed to dance like them. They looked so free, without embarrassment or fear. I was tired. I was tired of being dull, boring, clumsy Bella. With a sense of despair, I began to realize that I had no idea who I was. Before moving to Forks, I had a life, friends and a babysitting job. I didn't have a boyfriend, but it wasn't a big deal to me. What happened to that girl? What happened to me?

Edward Cullen happened to me.

After moving to Forks, I lost all sense of self. I built my entire existence around Edward to the extent that I wanted to die if I couldn't be with him. Without Jacob, I might have. Before long, I was clinging to him as tightly as I did with Edward. When did I become that clingy girl who couldn't survive without a boyfriend? I'd turned into someone I didn't like or recognize.

After we got home Renee finally decided to ask me what happened. We were both curled up on my bed when she turned and asked, "What happened, Bella?"

"Edward asked me to marry him and I said yes." I decided to dive right in.

Her lips pressed together as she attempted to process my admission. "Okay. Then what else happened?"

"Jacob kissed me and I realized that I was in love with him too, so I broke things off with Edward."

"So are you and Jacob together now?" She raised an inquiring eyebrow.

"No, we're not. I told Jacob I couldn't be with him either. I'll be miles away at college, Mom, it would be too hard. Not to mention he's only sixteen." Yeah, sixteen going on twenty five.

Renee sat up, frowning in confusion. "Honey, you make it sound as if Dartmouth is in another country. I don't understand why you can't still see each other when you come home on breaks."

I didn't know how to make her understand why Jacob and I couldn't be together. I couldn't say, well, Mom, Jake's a werewolf with some predestined soul mate he'll eventually meet and leave me for someday.

So I settled for, "It just felt like we were in different stages of our lives. If I had stayed with him I would have regretted it."

She nodded and bit her lip, obviously thinking about Charlie and the day she decided to leave him. Then the dam burst and I was crying into her lap while she stroked my hair. I never dreamed I'd feel so lost and alone at this stage of my life.

She murmured, "Honey, you are so much stronger than I ever was. You had to courage to stop yourself from making a big mistake. I was always worried about how dependent you were on Edward. You two always seemed far too serious about each other." She reached over and wiped the tears from my cheek. "You are very mature for your age, Bella, but you are not ready to get married. Don't be in such a hurry to grow up. Use this time at college to find yourself and someday, the right man will come along. Relationships shouldn't be so life or death."

Renee had no idea how right she was. If I wanted to be with Edward, I would've had to die. There was no way around that. I sacrificed so much of myself to be with Edward, that I was even willing to turn my back on my parents forever. There was no end to the shame I felt. I really was the worst daughter in the world and I vowed to myself that I would try to do better, be better.

A/N: Funny enough I felt sorry for Edward in this Chapter. I guess I have to admit that his love for Bella was real. Even if was a little psychotic.