"I know you said we can't be friends, but I care about you. Please, Bebe, stop trying to kill yourself."
"Go away, Wendy, I don't want to hear it. You have no idea why I keep trying to and I won't ever tell you and until you know why you won't be able to understand why I keep trying to. Just go away. I'm going to sleep." I hate being mean to her. I know she just wants me to get better, but that'll never happen. I've been feeling like this long enough to know that it just doesn't go away and stay there. It'll go away for a little; just long enough for you to remember what it's like to be happy, but then it comes back and it's worse than before and it won't stop until it destroys you. It always does. It leaves during the day, mostly, then when night comes it comes back full force and turns you into a depressed shell of a person.
The person that you were before will never come back completely. There will always be a part of your happiness that was eaten and will never come back. It will keep coming back until all of it is gone. It's a soul-crushing demon, that will never leave until it has gotten what it wants. And it wants your life, for you to join them in hell to turn more people into them. The more you fight it the more it will back away, but when it comes back it is stronger than it was before. And in the end, it will win.
"Okay, I'll go away," she says in a defeated voice. She's been asking me to stop for hours and every time I would just tell her to go away.
I can't have her find out about everything thing that makes me feel this way. I can't tell even myself. I don't completely know why I do.
I know I'm hurting Wendy and it just makes me feel worse, even though everything I'm doing is to protect her.
When I was younger I always imagined myself meeting the guy of my dream, getting married, and through everything being happy. Now, everything has changed. The love of my life I can't even look at without being upset, I know we'll never even get close to married, and I haven't felt happiness in years. Everything I imagined my life being like is the opposite. I wish I could have that happy, normal, life that my parents and everyone else who knew me thought I was going to have. Life isn't like that, though. It takes what you want and makes it the hardest thing ever. Knowing that you'll give up on it, and everything else until you stop wishing things, knowing that it'll never actually happen.
The only way to learn that is to live through it.I haven't gone through it, though. I'm living in it and I know that the only possibility of me ever being happy again is if I'm not on this earth. I can't get off it while in this hospital, though. I'll have to wait till I get released, but I won't be able to wait that long. Just long enough for them to think that I try again. I've lasted long enough for them to take the cuff off, so the next time can't fail. I have to succeed.