Ladies and well, probably more ladies: Welcome to the Shit Show of 2011!
I thought that the Rachel Berry Train Wreck Extravaganza was bad, but this, this might be one of the biggest messes I have ever laid my eyes upon.
First of all I'm completely sober... well except for the shot of tequila I had an hour ago. Okay so I'm a smidge tipsy, but it's really only because we promised Schue we wouldn't get sloppy until after Nationals, so my tolerance is a little low right now. Rachel however, has never had a tolerance and two cups of Puck's Moose Juice has left her all kinds of messy. It's a graceful messy this time, though. She kind of felt obligated to drink it since Puck made it special for her. Usually he uses rainbow sherbet, but this time around he bought... well, actually he probably stole... a bunch of different sorbets and added them to the champagne, vodka, orange and pineapple juice concoction. Oh yeah, I forgot; I had one of the frozen strawberries that had been soaking in her second cup, too. Anyways, she loves the stuff, of course, and now I'm trying really hard to keep her away from the Moose Juice bucket.
Everyone else is in a similar state to the last time we all got slizzard together. Yeah, I just said slizzard... deal with it. I might be driving some people home tonight. Although, I think Mike is pretty sober, too, so I won't be the only one. As long as I get Rachel's ass into her house by 1AM, all's well.
I'm going to take a minute to re-cap my night up until this point:
After our little afternoon delight, Rachel and I ate some cereal and then napped like boring little lesbians. Leroy woke us up at 5:30 and told us that he had ordered take-out since the Chef had been sleeping instead of making dinner.
They ordered Breadstix! They really do love me! There were two entire take-out boxes filled with bread sticks. A month and half in that house and they know me a little too well. Although, Leroy's a big fan of the bread sticks, too. We actually got in a little argument over the last one. Rachel snatched it up, broke it in half, gave one piece to Hiram and ate the other half herself. The she said, "Neither one of you can have it."
"I hope you like cleaning up after other people, baby girl, because you just earned yourself clean-up duty. Nobody comes between me and my Breadstix!" Leroy said to Rachel through a sassy deep tone.
"What? That's not fair! San, was trying to take it from you, too!" Rachel pleaded.
"But she was unsuccessful," Leroy returned, crossing his arms.
I started laughing when he charged her with clean-up duty. After shooting me a really pissed off glare, Rachel started cleaning up. She took my box of spaghetti right out from under me, "Hey, I was still eating that!"
"No you weren't, you were too busy laughing at me," she huffed and then turned into the kitchen. I heard the box fall into the trash compacter after another two seconds.
In an effort to get out the dog house, I started helping her. She smiled when she saw me clearing away some of the mess.
"So, what are you girls up to tonight?" Hiram asked through a yawn.
"Noah Puckerman is having a little get together for the Glee kids at his house tonight," Rachel answered tactfully.
"Sounds like fun. What time will you be heading out?"
"Well, he can't be ready for everyone until 8:30 so we can't really show up at his place until about 9..." I kind of stretched the truth a little with that one.
"What time will you be home?" Leroy pressed.
I gulped, "What time do you want us home?" I thought that was the best way to approach that one.
"Well if I had things my way you two would be in bed by nine-"
"I think one is okay," Hiram said with a little glare towards Leroy, "but just this once. Every other night this summer the curfew is eleven Sunday through Thursday and midnight Friday and Saturday, got it?"
I nodded furiously in agreement. They don't have to tell me that twice.
How is it that all of the Berry's have me whipped?
I think it's because Leroy is terrifying and Hiram has him whipped, which makes him even more frightening.
Oh my god! Rachel and I are totally the mini version of her Dads! Except that we're little baby lesbos of course. I'm not sure I want to point out my latest discovery to her, she might not like it as much as I do.
Anyways, we weren't even ready to leave the house until 9, so my plan to be fashionably late, actually worked out. Rachel tried on a million different things. It took a lot of coaxing but I finally convinced her to wear jeans and a red Lacoste polo that she's been hiding in her closet. I even found one of my pre-surgery push-up bras. Turns out, we used to be the same size.
"I don't know how I feel about this," she said as she looked herself up and down in her mirror.
"Rach, you look great. If we didn't have to leave, I'd tear all of those clothes back off of you and do some really dirty things to you," I smirked at her from the end of her bed.
"It's the bra isn't it! It's too much! My boobs are like popping out of this thing!"
I got up and walked over to her. From behind her, I reached my hands to her front and re-did some of the lower buttons on the shirt, "Better?"
"Mhm," she sighed, "besides, those are yours." She turned around and reached her arms up to rest on my shoulders. I knew better than to say anything and instead, leaned in to give her kiss. "Mmm... I love you."
"I love you, too, babe. Now can we go? We're working on obnoxiously late instead of the fashionably that I was going for."
"Okay."
When we left, Leroy reminded me of our curfew and made sure to let me know that he wouldn't even mind if we walked in earlier.
We stepped into Puck's basement at about 9:20. It was fairly quiet at the time but within a half an hour, people started getting a little sloppy. I had my shot of tequila with Brittany and Puck when I walked in the door and Rachel was done with her first cup of Moose Juice within fifteen minutes. My guess is that there's enough vodka in one cup of that stuff to fill five shot glasses. Plus the champagne and the sugar... wow, we're idiots. That shit just sneaks up on you. Two cups in and you have no idea what hit you.
"Spin the bottle!"
Of course Puckerman would throw that out there. And of course all of the Glee kids are secretly horny little freaks that want to make-out with everyone even though they're all paired off... well, almost all of them. Quinn, Sam and Mercedes are the only ones that aren't. Well, at least I think that's the case... Guppy Face and Wheezy have been oddly close to each other this whole time. Hmmm... whatever.
Oh, speaking of Quinn, she's been particularly quiet this evening. A little too quiet. Unfortunately, I don't know if she's kept her leering to herself. I've been slightly pre-occupied with my inebriated girlfriend.
"Come on, San, let's play!" Rachel leans into me and asks.
"You really want to, babe?" I ask mostly because I'm not sure I want us to play. I do have a tendency to get jealous.
"Yeah, issnot like iss real," she slurs, "besides, whenever we land on each other it'll be like super awesome!"
I cave, "Okay, but no getting jealous."
"Pssshht! Speak for yoursself, Lopez," Rachel says as she gets up and starts making her way to the circle that's been forming.
The last time we did this, I didn't play and neither did a bunch of other people, but this time, it seems like everyone wants in on the fun. I start to sit down next to Rachel but she stops me, "You can't sit there."
"Why not?" I scoff.
"Because it's supposed to be boy, girl, boy, girl!" Tina pipes in from across the circle.
Here comes a snarky response, "Well, with the range of sexual orientations in this group, I don't think that matters. Besides there are seven girls and six boys here, your seating arrangement is impossible." I laugh a little as I watch all the drunkies count out the boy/girl ratio. No one protests when I take my place next to Rach.
"I'll go first!" Puck calls out. He spins the bottle and it lands on Mercedes. "Oh yeah!"
"Hey!" Zizes yells as she smacks Pucks bicep.
"Chill, baby, it's just a game! I'm all yours tonight, remember."
Zizes gives him some weird face and I turn to Rachel and fake gag. She giggles and then whispers, "Cut it out. Iss cute."
We missed the Puckcedes smooch but we turned back to the game just in time to see Mercedes' spin land on Sam. They both smack these goofy grins on their faces and we all witness them full on make-out for way longer than two people who have never made out before would ever. When they were done, Brittany catches my attention from behind Artie's wheelchair and mouths, "What was that?"
I just return with this look of "I have no idea."
And the bottle is spinning again. Sam's spin lands on Kurt. Kurt turns to Blaine and whispers, "Sorry" as Sam tentatively crawls over towards him. I'm pretty sure that if Sam was a little less drunk, he would have protested. But alas, we are witnessing the first same-sex kiss of the night. Well, everyone but Blaine. His eyes are closed.
A peck later and the bottle is spinning again. Kurt's spin lands on Brittany. "Oh thank God a girl I've already kissed before!"
"What?" Blaine asks with surprise.
"I'll tell you later," he says as he starts making his way across the circle towards Brittany. When he gets there, he puts both of her hands on her cheeks and plants a big wet kiss on her lips. When he pulls away, they both start cracking up probably remembering that time Kurt pretended to be straight last year.
Brittany's turn. She spins the bottle really hard and it spins approximately forever. I can see out of the corner of my eye, Artie's fingers crossed, clearly hoping that he gets to make out with his super hot girlfriend in front of everybody.
Nope.
The opening of the empty champagne bottle is pointing directly at me. I see Britts clap her hands excitedly at the outcome of her spin and I feel Rachel's hand on my shoulder. "It's okay, San," she whispers into my ear.
Good thing because Brittany is hurdling over towards me. She looks over at Rachel and says, "Sorry, Rach," just before she tackles me. I'm not even sure what's happening right now. Well, except that Britt's tongue is in my mouth and she tastes like alcohol and watermelon Lip Smackers. I'm not even sure how long this has been going on. Why is no one stopping this? Why am I not stopping this? Ummm... why aren't Rachel or Artie stopping this?
"Mmmm... sweet lady kisses!" Brittany says when she's finally done assaulting my mouth. Don't get me wrong I love me some Britt Britt kisses, but that was a little ridiculous.
"Sweet lady kisses indeed," I hear Artie say as Brittany crawls back to her spot on his other side.
I finally sit up and have to be reminded that it's my turn to spin the bottle. I am hoping so hard that this lands on Rachel. The Brittany Experience made me miss her lips really bad. When I sit back to watch the bottle choose my fate, I feel Rachel put her chin on my shoulder. She kisses my neck and whispers, "I want you so bad right now."
I turn to look at her and see that her eyes are black. I'm surprised she can see her pupils are so blown. Please, please, please land on Rachel!
YES!
As soon as the bottle stops, Rachel is on me. I think she's forgotten that there are eleven other people in this room. She bites my lower lip and then slides her tongue across it. Hells yes her tongue have some fun with mine. She tastes like Moose Juice but I don't even care. I'm sure I taste like Brittany's Lip Smackers. Out of nowhere, I feel her hand grab my boob and now I'm positive she's forgotten that we're in public. I don't think that we can have sex in the middle of Puckerman's basement in front of the rest of the Glee club. Much to Rachel's (and all of the straight boys' and probably Brittany's') dismay, I have to stop her from taking this to a level we would both surely regret.
I whisper, "Later, baby," just before she leans into the circle to take her turn. When she returns, she gives me a little smirk and I can see that her eyes are finally going back to their normal beautiful brown... somehow.
I watch the bottle spin with baited breath, remembering that now I'm going to have to watch her make-out with someone that isn't me. The bottle starts slowing down and just when I think it's going to land on Mike and relief starts washing over my body, the bottle keeps going and lands on someone else's bent knee. It lands on the knee of the one person I didn't want it to land on.
"No way!" I yell, unable to control the nerves flying through my body.
"Rules are rules, bro!" Puck butts in, "Rachel and Quinn have to make-out!" Pssht, as if he'd stop the third girl-on-girl kiss in a row.
"Sweetheart, iss okay," Rachel slurs into my shoulder, "Nothing'sgonna happen."
"It better not," I mumble as I glare across the circle at Quinn.
I keep my eyes on her as Rachel makes her way over. I only look away for a second to check out Rachel's ass in her jeans. My eyes find their way back to Quinn, though, who's looking right at Rachel. My heart is pounding harder than I think it ever has in my entire life. I think it's even harder than when I was walking into the Conference Room of Doom at the hospital. I mean, I can feel this in my ears.
I watch as Rachel leans forward, jutting her lips out towards Quinn's. I see Quinn close her eyes preparing for the contact. I wish I could pull my eyes away, but I can't. Instead I'm torturing myself, watching the one person I didn't want kissing my girlfriend, kiss my girlfriend.
"Come on. Use some tongue!"
Oh fuck you, Puckerman!
Oh my god, I can't even tear my eyes away to give him a death glare.
"Mmmm."
Oh hell no! Quinn did not just moan into my girlfriend's mouth!
"Uh uh! Nope. The end!" I yell as I stand up. I storm around the circle and when I get to Quinn, I grab her arm and drag her up.
"What the fuck, Santana?" Quinn yelled back at me.
"You and me. Outside. Now!" I yell and start pulling her up the stairs.
"San! Wait! Come on! Calm down!" I hear Rachel yell from behind us.
"Yeah, S. Chill out!" Brittany calls out from not so far behind as well.
I don't stop and keep pulling on Quinn until we're in Puck's backyard. I toss her arm down and after I get my breathing under a little bit of control I huff out, "Okay Q, I think I've let this go on long enough. Whatever feelings you have for my girlfriend stop here and now, got it?"
"What are you even talking about? You're absolutely delusional, Lopez! As if I'd ever have feelings for Manhands!" Quinn basically chuckled out.
"Don't you dare call her that! Or any of those fucked up names we came up with for her! And don't play stupid with me Fabray! I see the way you look at her when you think no one else is looking! Cut the shit!"
"You're actually insane!" she laughs.
"Nope, Britt's seen you, too! Haven't you B?" I say not even having to turn towards Brittany knowing full well that she and Rachel followed us outside.
I watch Quinn's grin slowly fade away. It's completely gone after Brittany nervously says, "Yeah, I have."
"Well... I..." Quinn stutters out.
"Well... you... what?"
"Quinn you don't haff to say anything you don't wanna," Rachel pipes in, "San, leave her alone."
"No way! We're settling this here and now!" I say pointing my finger towards the ground and turning back towards Rachel and Brittany. I see Rachel's face and I start to feel really bad about what I'm doing to Quinn. Thanks to Puckerman's very well lit deck, I can see that she has tears in her eyes. And Brittany is nervously biting her finger nails. I know I'm currently disappointing two of the people I hate disappointing the most. I have to get to the bottom of this though.
"I don't have feelings for Rachel!" Quinn blurts out while I'm still looking back towards the deck. I turn back to her and arch my eye brow up in suspicion. "I'm serious, okay!" Oh no. Are those tears I'm hearing in her voice? "It's just that... I'm..."
"You're what?" Rachel says from right beside me. I didn't even hear her walking up to me.
"I'm jealous of you! Both of you."
I didn't see that coming. "Umm... jealous of what?" I ask slowly.
"Of you know... you two! You guys are all in love and open about it, throwing it in everyone else's faces!" suddenly Quinn's tears were turning angry.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you talking about?" I ask taking a small step towards Quinn.
"Isn't it nice to get to be who you want to be and not have any problems?"
Oh no she didn't! I'm taking a bigger step forward this time, "Excuse me? Not have any problems? I had to move out of my house because my mother disowned me! You aren't the only one with issues Q!"
"Come on S, let's just go," Brittany says grabbing my wrist.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean it to come out that way." Quinn says backing up a little away from me.
"Well then what did you mean?" I ask with a little bit of poison on my tongue. I step forward again and throw down Brittany's hand in the process.
"I meant that I wish I could be... you know... like you," Quinn says looking at the ground and then looks up to point between Rachel and me. It's dark and I can't really see, but I'm sure she's blushing. She might even be holding back her tears. I know she didn't actually say it, but I think I might have just forced her to come out.
I see a tiny body rush past me and slam into Quinn. Rachel's hugging Quinn so hard I think she's going to pop her. Oh and now she crying.
"Are you happy now?" Brittany asks from my side.
"No," I sigh. I've sort of grown a conscience in the last two months and now it's kicking my ass. "Q, I'm sorry."
"No you aren't," Quinn shoots back at me as Rachel releases her anaconda grip on her.
"Yes, I am. How often does the phrase 'I'm sorry' come out of my mouth?"
"All the time."
"Pretty often."
Thanks best friend and girlfriend.
"Okay, so maybe I apologize to them, but when was the last time I apologized to you?"
"Never," Quinn says quietly.
"Right. I only say it if I actually feel bad and thanks to that girl that just squeezed the life out of you, I've learned how to feel guilty-"
"It's a Jewish thing," Rachel shrugs.
Quinn laughs a little and wipes away the tears that had fallen onto her cheeks.
Completely overstepping my boundaries and forgetting that my filter actually works, I ask, "So are you like, completely lez?"
"Nah! She's totally bi-curious like me," Brittany says confidently.
"No, B, I think you mean bisexual," Quinn corrects her, "Whoa, I've never said it out loud before."
"Wait, what's the difference? They aren't the same?" Brittany asks, genuinely clueless.
"Ummm, well," Rachel tries, "would you ever date a girl, Brittany? If you weren't dating Artie of course."
"Uh, yeah! Girls are hot, but so are boys," Brittany answers as if that was totally obvious.
"Right. See? You're bisexual. You know that you're attracted to both boys and girls," Rachel says, excited about her breakthrough.
"Ooooohhhh! I totally get it now. Quinn's totes bisexual like me," Brittany says through a huge smile.
"Yeah, B," Quinn sighs, "I am... and that's the second time I've said it out loud. You know, it's getting easier."
"Wanna try it again?" Rachel asks.
"Nope. Maybe in like a week or so."
"Want a ride home?" I offer. By now I am 100% sober. At least I definitely feel like it.
"I can drive. I've had water in my Solo cup all night," Quinn says running her fingers through her short hair.
"Hey, San, what time is it? My phone is dead," Rachel asks as she fiddles with her phone.
I pull out my own cell phone and slide it up. Shit! "12:30! Babe, if we have to bring people home, we need to go like now!"
"Oh no! Daddy's gonna be soooo mad if we're late!" Rachel practically sings out.
"I can take some people. And Mike wasn't drinking either," Quinn adds.
"Artie and I are staying here tonight. It's easier since no one can really take him with his wheel chair," Brittany shrugs.
"Walking back in is going to be awkward isn't it?" Quinn asks as we walk up the stairs to the deck.
"Maybe. Everyone might be super shit faced when get in there," I hope.
Quinn gives me a doubtful look and pulls the door open. We walk in and head towards the strangely quiet basement.
"Or everyone will be asleeping," Rachel whispers as we get to the bottom of the stairs. She yawns and says, "You know, thass a good idea."
"No, no, no, babe. We're gonna sleep at home, okay?" I whisper and wrap my arm around her waist.
"Hey guys. Everything okay?" Mike whispers when he gets to us with Tina draped in his arms.
"Yeah. We're cool," Quinn whispers and puts her head on my shoulder.
Hmm... maybe we could be actual friends.
I'll think about it.
"Artie's in the guest room in the corner. I helped him out of his chair and he's probably already passed out," Mike says to Brittany, who promptly hugs everyone, whispers something to Quinn and skips off to the spare room. I have no idea what Brittany said, but Quinn is a hysterical shade of pink.
"Have a good summer, guys," Mike says and carries Tina up the stairs.
"Ready to go, babe?" I get no response. I look down and see that Rachel is sleeping standing up, leaning against me. "This'll be fun."
"I'll help you get her to the car," Quinn offered.
"No, just help me get her on my back. I've done this before," I say as I start maneuvering her towards my back.
Quinn holds her up as I lower myself down and grab onto her arms. I start lifting up and as I do, Rachel wakes up a little and mumbles, "Ooo, piggyback ride," and musters up enough energy to wrap her legs around my waist.
"Okay, to the cars!" I whisper and let Quinn lead up the stairs. "Hey Quinn, what time is it?"
"Ummm... 12:40," she says as she looks down at her watch and holds the door open for me.
"Shit! Will you help me get Rachel into the car?" I practically beg Quinn.
"Yeah," Quinn breathes out in a sort of laugh.
"What time... do you.. have to be home?" I ask I try to bump Rachel up a little higher on my back.
"Technically, forty minutes ago, but my mother isn't home."
"Are we going home, San?" Rachel rasps out just as I get to the passenger door.
"Yeah, babe. Do you think you can get in the car by yourself?"
"Don't talk to me like that?" she huffs.
"Like what?"
"Like I'm drunk."
"Well, if the shoe fits..."
"Put me down!" she huffs again and lets her legs down from my hips. I bend my knees a little and let go of her arms, "Oh, hi Quinn!"
"Hi Rachel."
As I open the door I hear Rachel gasp and then even more filterless than usual she says, "You came out to us!"
My hand actually smacks my forehead. Keeping it there I say, "Rach, you should probably get in the car now."
She scowls and pouts at me but gets into the car anyways. "Bye Quinn!"
"Bye Rachel," Quinn says while slam the door shut.
Quinn and I walk around the front of my car and when she starts walking towards her car I call out, "I really am sorry."
"I know."
"Umm... if you ever want to talk or whatever...?" What? Way to be the most awkward human ever.
"Thanks."
"Yeah, no problem."
"Umm... you have fifteen minutes to get Rachel home," Quinn says looking up from her watch.
"Crap! I'll text you okay, Q!"
"Umm... okay?"
I don't have time to respond to that, but I am going to text her. Maybe not tomorrow, but sometime.
When I get in the car Rachel, wakes back up and asks as I start the car, "Are we gonna be friends with Quinn this summer?"
"Do you want to be?" I ask knowing full well that they don't have the best track record.
"I think so."
"I'll ask you again tomorrow afternoon," I chuckle as I stop at the stop sign at the end of Puck's street.
"Why not the morning?" Rachel asks putting her head on my arm.
"Trust me, you aren't going to want to talk to anyone in the morning."
A/N: So, I don't really have a good excuse as to why this took so long to update other than writer's block. It's been plaguing my mind for quite some time now. You have David Guetta, Gavin DeGraw and Jessie J to thank for pulling me out though. I'm hoping all my ideas for this are going to start fitting together properly soon. I won't let this go that long without an update ever again. Well, I'll try super hard.