When we reach Denerim I reach out again to feel for the horde. It's still in the back of my mind buzzing like a horde of insects. They have to be planning their move on the surface fully. That means I better hurry the fuck up and get this done. No more stops and no more caring about anyone. I mean, I love all of my companions besides Alistair. Only I don't want to do anything for any of them ever again. I want to end the Blight, then retire with Leliana at my side. Hopefully, I'll be able to get a house by my father. That way, I'll be home with my lover. And, no Duncan or any other wardens to tell me to get my shit together. Just me, myself, and I.
Alistair could try to sway me, but fuck him. I stop reaching out with my blight as I reach Denerim. Wynne and Leliana dismount, then all three of us tie up our horses before making our way inside the city. Alistair is sitting in the dirt while Morrigan is practicing transforming beside him. Alistair spots me first and waves a little. I ignore him. In an alternate universe we could've be great friends. Sadly, we're in this universe and I hate him. Morrigan perks up when I near her. I only nod. The dark woman smiles and nods back at me to show her gratitude. I motion for Alistair to stand. He heaves himself up and everyone forms a circle. A few guards look at us oddly, but nobody dares to question us about our actions. I turn towards Morrigan first.
"Any leads?". I nearly laugh when she nods, but my laughter dies on the way to my lips when she hands me a paper. I snatch the bloody script from her hands and examine it. A map to a tiny village called 'Haven'. I take a few minutes to read the paper. My mother taught me how to read when I was a child, but the skill's gone rusty recently. Thankfully, I manage to make out enough of the script to know what it is. Some scholar thought the ashes of Andraste were on a mountain near Haven. I shove the paper in my pocket and question Morrigan.
"Did the scholar give this to you?". She shakes her head.
"A man posing as the scholar tried to hide this from us. He's dead now.". I chuckle and nod in approval. I clap my hands together and point at Alistair and Wynne.
"You two head down to Redcliffe. Try to keep the Arl alive. I'll go see if Andraste was real.". They nod and begin leaving. Leliana, however, is the next one to speak.
"You don't believe in Andraste?". I shrug.
"I think she was real, but I don't think she was the bride of the Maker.". Morrigan nods in approval.
"A sensible attitude. What do you believe she was?". I shuffle my feet and kick some dust near my boot.
"I always thought that Andraste was a powerful, completely mortal, mage that was never caught performing magic. And the 'Maker' was just a demon who pulled her strings to do what he wanted.". Leliana looks aghast and Morrigan looks offended. Thankfully, they follow me back to the horses. That doesn't, however, stop them from talking to me. Morrigan is the first to attack my belief.
"I don't agree with you. Andraste wasn't a mage. No mage would get possessed without anyone noticing.". I sigh and shake my head as we reach our steeds and begin mounting.
"I didn't say she was possessed. I just think she made a bad deal with a demon. Like Connor in Redcliffe. She made a deal and technically got what she wanted, but so did the demon. Or she could have willingly given herself over. Not every mage is as smart, or strong as you are.". Morrigan puffs herself up at the praise, but now it's Leliana's turn.
"How could Andraste have hidden being a mage?". I look towards Morrigan.
"Is there anything forcing you to do spells?". She shakes her head.
"It hurts to refrain your magic at first, but after a while the itch goes away. So, it's possible. Uncomfortable at first, but completely possible. She would have just had to get past puberty and learn how to control it.". I add onto my point by bringing up history.
"The land wasn't as settled back then. It would have been easy to slip away from everyone and learn about magic by yourself.". Morrigan cuts Leliana off as she's about to speak. Then, Morrigan speaks again.
"So, you believe Andraste was real?". I nod and she scoffs, but gives what sounds like a closing argument.
"I don't think you should believe Andraste was real at all, but you're my friend. That means I'll let you believe in made up stories. Only, I will say one thing. I enjoy your version far better than the others.". Morrigan falls silent and it's clear she's done speaking. Now it's Leliana's turn.
"You truly don't believe in Andraste being the bride of the Maker, or of the Maker himself?". I nod and repeat my beliefs.
"Andraste was a mage who had something to do with a demon. No Maker. Hell, the demon might have even enchanted the people around her to make them thing she was really chosen. Either way, no real Maker.". Leliana asks another question before I've truly gotten to take another breath.
"Do you believe in the elven pantheon?". I shake my head.
"More mages. Or demons. No gods.". Leliana keeps pushing into harder territory.
"What about the stone?". I laugh a little and glance at my lover. She's glaring at me. I snap my horses reins and begin our ride. When we're moving I finally answer Leliana.
"No. I don't think anyone besides dwarves believe in the stone.". One final, desperate attempt from my lover. In fact, it's starting to rub me the wrong way.
"Do you believe in the Qun?". I don't even know what the fuck the Qunari believe happens to them after they die.
"Obviously. I, an elven woman from the slums of Denerim, somehow managed to find out about what the Qun is and decided to follow it. Even more surprising, I managed to find out what their gods are.". Leliana sighs and I offer a weak middle ground.
"Will this fuck with our relationship?". Leliana sighs and I can't look at her because we're riding, but she speaks up to reassure me.
"No.". I ask Leliana a question.
"Is there any repercussions for not believing in the Maker if I reach his pearly gates?". Leliana grunts.
"Nothing specifically, if you live a good a just life.". I don't believe in the pearly white gates, and Morrigan seems to pick up on that because she's the next one to question me.
"What do you believe in?". I shrug.
"I don't know. Mostly, nothing. I think once we die it's like it was before we were even born. Just nothing. Or maybe our consciousness is strong enough to survive either in the fade, or on its own.". Leliana steps back into the conversation as we lead our horses off of the main trail.
"You believe in the fade, but not the Maker?". I point out a very important fact.
"We've been inside the fade. I've never seen the Maker.". Leliana falls silent and Morrigan is the next to question my faith.
"So, you don't believe for certain that there's even an afterlife? Just us becoming food for worms after we're gone.". Honestly, I'm tired of talking about my religion. Nobody else besides me gets questioned about her religion. I put it to rest by spelling everything out for everyone.
"I don't know if there's a Maker or not, but as of right now I see no reason to believe in one. Also, I think Andraste was a real woman, but she was just a powerful mage controlled by a demon. I don't know what happens when we die. Maybe we go to the fade, or we survive some other way. Maybe we're gone. Our bodies definitely become worm food. I don't think I'll really know what happens to us after we die until I've been dead, and by then I can't come back and tell you guys. Although, if I die before either of you I'd like you to do two things for my funeral.". They both wait.
"Pretend I was a better person than I was and had more friends, and make it seem like I believe in the Maker. I don't want my family thinking I'm burning in some pit because I was a bad person and/or didn't believe in the Maker. Also, if you believe hard enough I'll make it into that magical place.". Morrigan laughs, and when I look at Leliana she seems to be nodding a little. Although, neither seem too pleased. Morrigan wants me to believe less, and Leliana wants me to believe more. Thankfully, neither of them push the subject any harder and they both seem pleased by the knowledge about me they've gained.
I can finally focusing on riding. We're still on the main path heading southwest, but I still pull out the map from my pack. It appears a thin, rickety bridge will guide us over a thin stream/canyon. Then, a dirt path almost nobody knows about will be taken. Finally, we'll have to dismount and fight our way up another rocky, thin trail to Haven. Fuck, why does everything have to be so hard? Why can't people just build a village like a normal person. I swear I hope one day that Haven is invaded by foreigners and they have to actually build a real trail. I hate cities like this. People are so stupid I swear. I think bad thoughts about the residents of Haven until we finally reach about the halfway point to Haven. Nobody on the road has stopped us and the sun is about to set, so I call it an early night.
Everyone ties up their horses, sets up the camp, and makes dinner as a team. We do a shitty job on everything and argue, but we did it as a team and that's what matters. Well, besides Duncan because he's a Mabari and he's too precious for manual labor. All of us eat dinner and make small talk. Honestly, nobody really seems in the mood to talk. Morrigan retires to her tent first with Duncan following her. Leliana goes next and leaves me to stomp out the fire, check to make sure the horses are secured, and secure the perimeter one last time. When I crawl into bed with Leliana she doesn't even question it. She just tosses a lazy arm over my middle and begins nuzzling my neck. I mumble and close my eyes. A light kiss is pressed against my neck. Groggily, Leliana mumbles a plea with me.
"Fuck.". I mumble back and shake my head.
"We're both too tire.". She grips me a little tighter and kisses a little harder.
"Please?". I shake my head again. "
We've been banging away like rabbits since we got together.". I feel her nod against the back of my neck.
"Making up for lost time.". I hold my ground.
"I think you just want to fuck me because Morrigan is in the other tent.". She grunts, but doesn't deny it. I try to get some sense in her skull.
"I'm too sore. You'll have to let me top.". She falls silent. I lightly laugh.
"That's what I thought.