Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyers owns Twilight. I do not. I do however, own my 'gang'.

A/N: Also thanks to my awesome Beta, Blueboarderchick.

Thank you to my reviewers.

You guys really had me laughing with your reviews from the last chapter. Some of you were throwing rocks at Bella and some at Jacob.

It's nice to know that I can inspire such strong feelings in you.

Chapter 20

I want to change the world,

instead I sleep.

I want to believe in more than you and me.

All that I know is I'm breathing.

All I can do is keep breathing.

Sleep never came the night before. Every time I closed my eyes I would dream about Jacob and Carmen then the tears would start again. They always looked perfect and happy, like they belonged together. I guessed they did. The universe had confirmed it after all. Imprinting was absolute and unbreakable. Leah, Sam and Emily were proof enough of that little fact.

Liz stayed in my room with me all night but she had to leave to get ready for classes. I heard her voice outside my door talking to Ryan. She sounded so angry as she told him about how upset I was the night before. As I heard her say how much she hated Jacob, I felt the urge to defend him. After all, it wasn't his fault he imprinted. It wasn't anyone's fault that he didn't love me anymore. The imprint just came first with him. It was the way all the wolves were wired.

The sun shone through my window but in my heart, the sun had died and darkness now resided in its place. I had no desire to get up out of bed. The feeling scared me to death because I didn't want to get out of bed ever again. The last time I'd felt like this Jacob had been there to see me through it. But I had no one this time and I didn't know what to do with myself.

My eyes felt gritty and my throat burned. I was definitely feeling the effects of being up all night crying. There was a soft knock on my door. "Izzy, you up?" Liz sounded so tired.

Pulling my eyes away from the ceiling, I watched to door open. "Izzy… I'm leaving to go to my classes now… Will you be okay?" Her eyes were a little red too. Whether it was from lack of sleep or crying, I didn't know.

I just wanted to be alone with my anguish. "I'll be okay." I winced at the hoarseness of my voice.

My attempt to reassure Liz was unconvincing. "Are you sure, because I could stay home… I just have a test… but I could miss it. It's no big deal." Her brows creased with worry as she took in my appearance and I wondered just how terrible I looked.

I really didn't want her hovering around me and I certainly didn't want her to miss her test. Trying harder to persuade her, I said, "No it's fine, Liz. I'll be all right. I promise." I even mustered up a small smile for her.

Reluctantly she replied, "Well, okay then… I'll come straight home after classes. Okay?"

I mumbled, "Okay." She left closing the door softly behind her.

Alone in the apartment, I let the fresh tears flow. After what seemed like an eternity, I forced myself to get up. I couldn't stay in bed anymore. Rolling my body off the bed, I saw my charming bracelet lying in the same spot it'd fallen. That was the last thing I need to see. Frantically, I used my foot to push it under the bed and out of my sight.

A quick glance at my appearance in the mirror confirmed my suspicions. I looked awful. My eyes were red and puffy. My hair looked like a bird's nest and I was still wearing my clothes from the night before. In a desperate attempt to feel better, I decided to take a bath. I ended up crying on the floor while the shower ran. I didn't know how long I sat there but it was long enough for the warm water to turn freezing cold.

I dragged myself into the bedroom and threw on a clean shirt and jeans. Walking into the kitchen, I decided to make myself a sandwich even though I had no interest in eating. But in the end, I just ended up picking at it. I just wasn't hungry. The silence of the apartment was beginning to get to me, so I wandered into the living room and turned on the television. I flipped from station to station but nothing held in attention until I landed on the Food Channel. Just like with Edward, it helped ease the twisting pain in my chest.

As I watched the cake challenge, I realized what I needed. I needed something to occupy my mind. Baking would help me keep my thoughts away from… deep breath… Jacob.

As I dug around in the kitchen cupboards for ingredients, I realized I would have to take a trip to the grocery store. I grabbed the keys to my car and drove to the store. I think I went a little crazy in the baking aisle. My intention was to bake some muffins and maybe some cookies. But I got caught up in the colorful packaging of the many dessert glazes and chocolate squares. Being unable to resist the lure of sprinkles and neon frosting colors, I ended up buying a lot more than I intended. I also piled my cart with bags of flour, cream cheese, milk, eggs, sugar, pie crusts and pastry fillings, among other things.

As I stood at the checkout lane the cashier eyed my purchases and whistled, "You baking for an army?"

"Yeah, you can say that." I mumbled distractedly as I dug around in my bag for my credit card. I paid the hefty bill then the bag boy Joey, helped me put my groceries in the car. With a much needed sense of purpose I drove back to the apartment. It took about four trips between my car and the apartment to get everything unloaded.

Before I started to bake, I decided it would be a good idea to look up different recipes on the internet first. Making the decision to start off small, I began mixing the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies. After I'd put the cookies in the oven, armed with the recipe for blueberry muffins, I got to work again.

When the cookies were done I put the muffins in the oven. Every time I thought about taking a break, the pain would come roaring back so I kept on baking. If baking was what it took to avoid the pain, then I planned to bake forever.

Hours later, the front door opened and in walked the gang (minus Taylor) just as I was mixing the ingredients for brownies. They all paused to take in the odd scene of me covered in flour, surrounded by various baked goods.

"Um… Are you alright, Izzy?" Ryan asked cautiously.

I added in a teaspoon of vanilla and replied, "I'm fine."

"Leave her alone, Ryan. She's self medicating." Liz attempted to joke and I couldn't even pretend to smile.

Zach mumbled, "She's like Betty Crocker on crack." Then he grabbed a muffin and took a bite. "Damn, Izzy. This is some good stuff."

My hand never paused in my mixing as I mumbled, "Thanks."

They filed into the kitchen to taste the fruits of my pent up misery and angst. After complimenting my baking skills, they left me to continue in peace. Later that night, when the pain in my back and legs forced me to stop, I sat on the couch watching the Food Channel.

Liz came in and sat beside me. "How are you really, Izzy?" Worry evident on her face.

I wished she would just go to bed and leave me alone. "I'm fine."

"You've said 'I'm fine' so many times today that it doesn't even mean anything anymore. You are not fine." She pressed.

I didn't bother to answer as I was trying extra hard not to think about the reason I wasn't fine.

Liz sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "Why don't you try to get some sleep, Izzy? It's late." A glance at the clock confirmed that it was almost midnight.

"I can't sleep because when I sleep, I dream and…" My voice trailed off as the pain flared again. "I just need a little time to forget and then I'll be able to sleep again, okay?" I said softly.

"All right. You know what? I'm not really tired either. So how about I keep you company for a bit?" She reached out and took my hand in hers.

"Okay." I turned my attention back to the television and we watched in silence until Liz went to bed.

I took a bath and changed into a t-shirt and shorts. Not having any desire to sleep, I stood at my window and stared up at the night sky. The sense of loneliness left me feeling overwhelmed and I went back into the kitchen to clean up the mess I'd made. When I was finished with that, I went back to bed and tried to sleep. But again sleep was elusive. And I ended up staring at the ceiling all night trying to think about anything and everything but the reason I couldn't sleep.

I spent the following day in the same pattern. I went to the store, purchased more ingredients, brought them back home and baked some more. Finally, I was able to understand why some people turned to drugs and alcohol to help numb the pain. Baking became my drug. The great thing about it was that there was always a new recipe out there to try. I had all I needed to occupy my thoughts and it was a relief. Not wanting to deal with my pain was… unhealthy, yes, but it was the best I could do.

I was removing my third batch of cupcakes from the oven when Ryan, Zach and Liz came home. I still hadn't seen Taylor since the night of… the call and I couldn't bring myself to wonder where he was. Seeing that I was still in my baking frenzy, Liz and Zach went to sit in the living room. I knew that I was starting to really scare them but I couldn't force myself to care.

Ryan, however, came into the kitchen with the intention of getting me to eat something. He made a sandwich and placed it on the counter. "Come on, Izzy. You need to eat something."

I was busy trying to remove a cupcake that insisted on sticking to the pan. "No thank you."

Ryan gently pushed again. "It'll be good for you. Besides, I know you haven't eaten anything all day."

I sighed with frustration. Non-stick pan my ass. The damn cupcake seemed to be permanently wedged in. "I said no thanks."

"Please, Izzy. Just have a few bites, for me." Ryan was pleading with me now.

I knew I was upsetting him but all I wanted was for him to go away. "Would you just please leave me alone? Just leave me alone." I could feel my eyes starting to burn and I bit my trembling lip.

Whatever Ryan was about to say was cut off when the front door flew open and Taylor stormed in. He looked exhausted and pissed off as his eyes scanned the room. As he zeroed in on my location he purposely moved toward the kitchen. He only got as far as the entrance when Ryan's large figure blocked him from entering.

Taylor's eyes narrowed. Gritting his teeth, he growled, "Move now."

"I don't think you should be here right now, man." Ryan was using his protective brother stance and I couldn't understand why. Taylor certainly wasn't a danger to me.

As they faced off in the kitchen, I began to worry. The scene was like something out of a Wild West movie. All they were missing was the tumble weed blowing through the kitchen. Neither one of them wanted to back down. Suddenly Liz appeared between them. Looking over Taylor's shoulder, my eyes landed on a perturbed looking Zach. Like me, he'd never seen Ryan and Taylor angry with each other before today and we didn't know what to make of it. They were as close as two men could be without being well… gay.

Placing her hand on Ryan's arm she tried to reassure him, "It'll be okay. I think you should let him talk to her. He's in control, right, Taylor?" She gave Taylor a meaningful stare and he nodded. What does she mean control? And what the hell does Taylor have to be mad about?

"Fine, but we'll be right outside the door." Ryan warned. He then allowed Liz to lead him and Zach out of the apartment.

Taylor's eyes scanned kitchen as he strode over to stand in front of me. He stared at me as if he was trying to read my mind. Taking a deep breath to calm himself, he asked, "What do you need, Izzy?"

I didn't expect that. I expected him to try to get me to eat or sleep. The stabbing pain told me that I was beginning to feel again. Looking away, I mumbled, "Cookies. I need to make more cookies."

He grabbed my hand as I turned back to the counter with the intention to bake some. "No. No more baking, Izzy."

I tried to jerk my hand away but he refused to let go. "Let go, Taylor."

"Why should I? Look at what you're doing to yourself." He gestured around the kitchen with his free hand. "Do you think this is healthy? This isn't normal."

I didn't want to think and I definitely did not want to talk about what I was doing. To tell you the truth, Taylor was beginning to piss me off. He had no right to come in here and judge me. "Leave me alone. This is none of your business." I snapped.

He chose to ignore my comment. "Is this what you did with Edward? Lock your emotions up and push everyone that cared about you away? Well, it's not going to work. Not with me." His tightened his grip on my hand and yanked me out of the kitchen and down the hall.

I let out a small, indignant scream and tried to pry my hand loose but it didn't do any good. Neither did trying to dig my heels into the carpet. He ignored me as I screamed at him. "Taylor, what are you doing? Damn it! Let go!"

He hauled me into my bedroom and dragged me to stand in front of my mirror. "Take a damn good look. Look at what you're doing to yourself!" He said forcefully.

Staring in the mirror was like seeing into the past. And what a sight I was. My hair was lackluster. My face was even paler than usual and my eyes looked dull and lifeless with dark circles under them. The girl in the mirror was all too familiar and she looked like hell.

Taylor spun me around to face him as he held me by the shoulders. "This isn't you, Izzy."

"And what the hell do you know about me? Nothing, that's what," I spat. I wasn't just angry at Taylor, I was angry at every crappy thing that had ever happened to me.

His grip tightened. "I know you're tougher than this. You're not some weak-willed, helpless little girl."

"You don't know how I feel. You have no idea what it's like to have your heart hurt so bad that you want to rip it from your chest. You have no idea." My voice cracked. The unbearable pain in my chest was coming back.

"You're right. I don't know how you feel. But you are not the only one in pain in this world. There are people that can't walk, people that are homeless and people that are dying. These people have it a whole lot worse than you do. You can't keep feeling sorry for yourself because you had your heart broken." With a hint of shame I realized Taylor was right. I was wallowing in self pity. "I'm not going to baby you. You have to dig yourself out of that misery filled pit you're in. You better get your shit together because if you don't, I will drag your ass to see a psychiatrist."

My face crumpled as I began to feel the full weight of my pain and everything I'd done. Once again I was only thinking of myself and I was doing the exact thing I'd promise never to do again. Only this time, it was because of Jacob that I hurt myself and my friends. Selfish Bella was still lurking around after all. I was grateful Charlie wasn't around to see me. I'd cause him enough grief without having him witness my relapse.

I broke down and Taylor wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed. "I'm s-sorry. He doesn't care about me anymore and it hurts!"

He picked me up and walked to the edge of my bed. Sitting down, he cradled me in his arms. "I know it hurts but you have to try harder. Even though you may feel like it now, your life is not over." He whispered while I sobbed into his chest.

"It's not f-fair." I hiccuped.

"It never is." Taylor murmured.

It seemed like every time I wanted a life with someone, something bad would come along to spoil it. Maybe I was cursed. I couldn't have a life with Edward because he was a vampire and I couldn't have a life with Jacob because of imprinting. I was beginning to think I was destined to live my life alone. Maybe love just wasn't for me.

Later that night after Taylor left, I sat at the window looking up at the moon. I honestly believed I did the best thing by leaving Forks. Even though Jacob probably hated me for doing it, I was able to see the big picture. He could have his fairytale ending without having to feel guilty about leaving me. Although my heart felt like it had been mangled, I would try my best to be happy for him.

I got up and went to my nightstand. I removed the only picture I had of us, along with the letter he wrote me. Pain. I then knelt down and pulled the charm bracelet from under the bed. More pain. Sitting on the floor in front of my closet, I took out an empty shoe box and placed the three items in it. Looking in the box, I felt like I should say something.

"Taylor's right. I'm going to try to do better now," I whispered.

"Even though I don't have you, I still have my friends, family and school. Even though you don't…" I wasn't able to finish that sentence. "I'm still happy you found your soul mate. I always knew you deserved better than me. Your imprinting just confirms that." I felt a small smile cross my face.

My cheeks were slick with tears. "I will always love you but I don't want to feel like this anymore. I have to try to move on with my life. I hope you find your happiness, Jake." I felt a little better.

Breathing through the pain, I placed the lid back on the box and pushed it to the back of my closet. I closed my eyes and pictured an imaginary box in my mind. In it, I put all of my love, hope and longing for Jacob then sealed it shut. To preserve my sanity, it needed to be done. That night I was finally able to get some sleep. It's a painful process, having to grow up and let go. Anyone who said differently was a goddamn liar.

A/N: This chapter was a bit easier to write than the previous one. Lyrics at the top are from Ingrid Michaelson's Keep Breathing song.

I refuse to let Bella spend all of her college years pining away after Jacob, that would be so... unhealthy.

Coming up next Bella gets a mystery call from someone in La Push.