This is just a short Omake that I thought would fit nicely after the last chapter. Enjoy.
I gave Saiko the weapons that I had looted from the bandits when we got back to base. They still looked as barely functional as before but they could be melted down and reforged again. Then I had to explain how I got them which led to me reciting the entirety of my mission back at her from memory, she said it was good practice, and finally explaining how I got Minato laid. She nodded along for all of it until I got to the end.
She ticks up one finger. "First off how do you even know what laid means?"
"I heard it in the village when someone was referring to going to the prostitutes to get laid. I believe it is just another word for sex." She's rubbing her forehead through her mask now.
"That still doesn't explain why you know about sex." Sorry old man you're going to take the rap for this.
"Oh." I reached into my inventory and pulled out an orange colored book. "An older man with long white hair and an oil headband gave me this. He said all male shinobi should carry one around at all times and hide it from females." I blinked at the sudden loss of weight in my hand.
Saiko had thrown the book up in the air and her hands blurring too fast for me to see shot a huge flaming snake from her mouth. The intense heat made me step back and blink repeatedly to get the moisture back in my eyes. I saw the little motes of ash drift down as the technique died out.
"Shiro where was Kushina when you got this?" She positively purred out.
"Um, she suddenly started shouting about paying tribute to the Ramen Gods and ran to Ichiraku's." Wow I'm just throwing people under the bus right now.
"And you didn't think this was strange at all?" I shrug helplessly and back up slightly.
"She's done it before. I thought it was a quirk." She stops her slow advance and considers that.
"Alright I'll give you that but why would you accept something from a strange ninja?" She resumes her advance towards me.
"Because every male civilian and shinobi in hearing range turned, gave me a huge smile, and a thumbs up. Then they pulled out their own copies of the book." I blurted out. Get under the damn bus all of you. Let me live. My back hit the wall of the room. "I thought it was like those stories you told me about not tempting fate."
Her hands slowly settled on my shoulders. It felt like I was being crushed by a mountain. "Now Shiro I'm not mad."
Ding! Intense bloodlust detected.
Learned Detect Bloodlust (Passive) LVL 4 – 5%
Detect people's hostile intentions towards you or others nearby.
Range 4 meters
'Bullshit.'
"But I have to know if you've received any other inappropriate literature. You would tell me if you had more of those books wouldn't you Shiro?" She made it sound so innocent like butter wouldn't even melt in her mouth.
"Two of them might have given me other books." She purred, literally purred.
"Good, could you tell me what those two look like Shiro? Kushina and I need to go have a chat with them later." I'm so sorry nameless people. I'll pray for you. I told her everything I could remember about them. Age, height, physical description everything but a name.
"Excellent work Shiro. Now could you please hand me those inappropriate books they gave you for… disposal?" I wordlessly handed them over and watched as they were turned to ash by another flame snake. "Now I think we need to have another lesson on the basics of dodging sharp things. Wouldn't want you to get hit by one out in the field now would we?" This was going to be a long night.
The next morning Saiko and I arrived at training ground three with me being held at arm's length away from Saiko. I guess she didn't want to get covered in my blood. When we arrived Kushina had looked like a cat that had gotten away with the canary and the cream. That changed to a mild frown as she took in my appearance.
"What happened to Shiro?" There was a hint of warning in her tone.
"Oh, Shiro and I practiced his dodging last night. As you can see he still needs work and I even went easy on him." She lets out a put upon sigh. Easy! There was no easy last night. You were throwing kunai faster than I body flicker.
"But never mind him." She dropped me to the ground where I landed with a thud. "You would not believe what I found on him last night." Hopefully if I lay as still as possible they'll forget about me.
"I wanted to know how he knew about sex last night and he pulled out one of Jiraiya's books." Kushina went red with embarrassment about her actions last night and then realization set in. Her long red hair seemed to stand up and split into 9 distinct tails. I am one with the ground and the ground is one with me.
"Apparently Jiraiya gave him one and then two other people gave him a copy as well." A corona of red is starting to surround Kushina now. Why don't I know any Earth ninjutsu?
"I have all of their locations now. Why don't we go have a chat with them about appropriate material for a child?" Kushina just let out an animalistic growl and they disappeared. I waited until I was almost sure they weren't coming back before I sat up. I was sitting at a little under a quarter health left and I needed somewhere to hide until their feminine fury was over or at least sated.
I knew where I needed to go. With an application of chakra I flickered away and landed in front of the gate to the Uchiha compound. Both of the guards seemed to recoil from the sight of me and then tense, ready for action. The one on the right seemed familiar and with a jolt I realized who he was.
"You!" I pointed at him and they both drew their swords. "I'm the kid you gave Jiraiya's book to. Kushina, my sensei, found out about them and now she's with a friend on a rampage. You have to hide. I know I'm trying to." In the distance we could hear a bestial roar and a high pitched scream a man makes when he loses something important.
The man's eyes widened at the sound and I could see him start to shake. He turned to the other guard. "I- I have to-"
"I know. I'll pray for you." The man flickers away as the high pitched screams start again. The remaining guard looks back at me. "Are you okay kid? You're wearing more blood than clothes right now."
I look down at what could only pass for rags now. The black and grey color scheme has given way to red and now that I think about it I could feel blood drying on my face. I look back up at him. "I'll be fine. I just need to get to Mikoto. Hopefully her motherly instincts will protect me from the coming storm."
He nods. "It's a good plan kid." He lets me through and I flicker as fast as I can to Mikoto's house. I urgently start knocking on the door as soon as I arrive. It seems like it takes forever for her to open the door but as soon as she does I can see her eyes widen in shock.
"Shiro what happened to you? Are you alright?" Her hands start glowing green as she runs them over my body. Wounds and bruises start healing and I can see my health going up.
"No time to explain I need you to protect me."
"Protect you? Protect you from what?" Another high pitched scream comes from near the gate. It seems that the poor soul didn't get far.
"Sensei is on a rampage." Time to take a gamble. "Some guy named Jiraiya gave me this orange book and then two other people did as well. Kushina found out about it and now she's gone insane."
"Jiraiyaaaaa!" A thundering shout echoes from the distance. I look towards the shout and then back at her with wide eyes. "Please hide me?" I saw her look in the direction of the shout and back at me. A hint of a smile appeared on her face. Damnit this is a matter of life or death.
"Okay Shiro come in." Thank God. Itachi was near the doorway and his normally impassive face was frozen in shock at the sight of me.
"Itachi." I said seriously. "If a white haired man with an oil head guard offers you an orange book scream rape and kick him in the nuts." He just nodded numbly as Mikoto led me to the bath so I could wash off all this blood.
~Interlude~ Hokage
The morning started peacefully enough. Just another day as I read through the increasing number of casualties sustained on the frontlines and sending new orders where appropriate. The peace was shattered when I felt the familiar chill going down my spine that I get when Kushina gets into a rage.
Who's the poor fool of her ire now? I motioned for one of the ANBU stationed in my office to investigate and she flickered away. Going back to my paperwork was hard but necessary. A short while later a shadow clone of the ANBU appeared in front of me. Dreading why she didn't come in person I never the less asked for her report.
"Jiraiya gave Kushina's 3 year old apprentice one of his books. Two other males also gave him two other copies."
"I see. Why didn't you come back yourself?"
"I felt it my duty to join in on the pursuit." What has it come to that the ANBU desert their position? "Dismissed." The clone popped. This isn't good. What to do? What to do? That's it. Pointing at the other female ANBU in the room I sent her to fetch Minato.
As soon as she disappeared I quickly removed my platinum edition signed copy from my pocket and into a special seal accessible only to the Hokage. Safe. Minato appeared before my desk and my experienced eye could tell he was holding himself with difficulty.
"Minato I need you for a mission are you injured?" He turns beat red.
"Ah, no Hokage just very sore." I prompt him to continue and somehow he turns even redder. "Kushina was very enthusiastic last night and this morning." That lucky bastard.
"Never mind that I need you to calm down Kushina before she kills Jiraiya."
"Jiraiyaaa!" We both turn towards the shout and then back at each other.
Minato groans. "What did he do this time?"
"Apparently he gave Shiro one of his orange books." Minato pales then hangs his head.
"I don't know if I can stop her but I'll try."
"That's all I ask." He leaps out the window and dashes towards the screaming. I give a weary sigh then get back to work. Hopefully Jiraiya survives.
~Interlude end~