So I was reading some Homestuck fanfiction and I came across a gem of a story involving chicken korma that made me totally hot for curry. Thanks for posting that beautiful work, author-whose-name-I'm-too-lazy-to-find. :D Then I was going through more fanfiction and I just start ranting about the stuff I was reading. I would apologize to anyone who reads this and finds me ranting about their own fic, but frankly I don't have much motivation to do so. I'm always critiquing the fanfiction I read, these critiques just aren't very delicately put. But anyway... I was texting Jessica about it all, and here you go. I seem to have this serious obsession with documenting all of our conversations and posting them up here in the hopes that people might maybe find something amusing in them. I should probably get some help...

K: We need to hang out soon. There is this amazing crack fic on ff and I can't tell you which one because I have to be the one to read it to you. Have to

K: I really hope you haven't read it already! …you haven't read anything recently about curry have you? If you haven't don't look for it!

K: Like I said I have to be the one!

K: Its like…my self-appointed right to be the one to read aloud literary works of genius and crack.

K: BTW there are three chapters and each is better than the last!

K: …in a sexual way.

J: ….

J: OK

J: …..

K: …is that a yes?

J: That is on fact a yes

J: =_= *in

K: Really? Yay!

J: No! I'm lying.

J: And I feel this deeply seeded hatred for you and your sister.

K: Oh God I just…I found another…I don't even…O.O this has such horrible…tones…

J: Lol, no reaction^^

K: If it's interesting enough we'll have to read this necro fest of a fic as well.

K: To what you said just then? Yeah the necro fest seemed more noteworthy at the time hehe

…

J: ….. What is this for precisely?

K: …what?

J: What is the FF of?

K: Not telling cuz I don't want you to look it up! I told you, I'm the one!

J: I promise I won't look! Scouts honor!

K: Okay…its homestuck. Been reading some johndave. Don't think I'll read the necro fest though. It's a bit too…-shudder-

J: Lol, it's bad?

K: Well it has something to do with that peanut butter sandwich gamzees motherfucking making between his lips.

K: I'll tell you the summary too: you don't have to have a body to give head.

J: …. O.o

K: Title is Decapitation

J: …..

J: ….

J: O.o

K: Nuff said

J: Gamzee is….. ummmm…

J: Yeah….

J: That writer is….. Ummmmm

K: Two main reasons it doesn't work for me (beyond the obvious):

K: 1: troll anatomy isn't human anatomy like the story implies

K: 2: Gamzee keeps talking and the voice I keep hearing is octopimp's version of him and it weirdest me out

K: Weirds*

J: …..

K: As always your input is insightful and enlightening.

J: Got that ;)

K: Lol here's a great one. Title: RP 8411. Summary: Yaoi Sullox and me

K: Misspelled and everything.

J: :?

K: I didn't bother to read it but I can if you want to know if it's horrible enough to read later

K: Oh its in chat form. Probably an actual roleplay they did online.

J: Lol, its ok. Only if you want

K: In fact there's probably websites for this shit. Like sexbot chats only with geeky premises like homestuck characters.

J: Sweet! That would be so fun

K: It's the perfect medium since the comic is based primarily in chat.

J: I think I would like to stumble upon another fan

K: This fic is shit. I only hope it wasn't a real chat for "sollux"'s sake.

J: Ah, really? That bad, huh?

K: This Guy is like…he's a total fanboy and annoying as hell. Based on the sollux reactions the chat was real.

J: Yeah, that would suck

K: We shall read this later its so depressingly bad. Because of this idk if I would go trolling ever.

J: :/

K: Or maybe I would for the endless compliments and telling me I have "swag."

J: I think I might still, but probably only as Gamz

J: Lol, um haha

K: I would probably as Dave or sollux. Maybe karkat if I was feeling moved to rant a lot and over exaggerate shit.

J: Yeah

J: I might be able to do Tavros too, and maybe john if I'm feeling particularly optimistic and dense

J: And possibly Kar

K: Oh God it just got slightly more explicit O.O

J: O.o

K: Scratch that: wayyy more explicit.

K: Actual chat…?

J: I haven't a clue, lol, I wait for you to read it to me

K: And then it just fucking stops right before it was about to get real dirty. I'm…actually very uncomfortable with the last line here…

J: Oh :S

K: I really hate reading about anal. I mean the act itself is okay for me but the "preparation" I just don't like to hear about. Awkward.

K: …anyway, that's pretty much what I was left with.

J: Yeah, speaking of which, have you read the most recent SATW?

K: Well in any case annoying fanboy successfully managed to seduce a troll.

J: Fahaha

J: Nice!

K: Yes haha with the movie monsters?

J: Lol

J: Yes ^^

K: H'm…you know I hate oc's but this one is paired with eridan and somehow I'm not bothered as much.

J: Is it a good match and not a Mary sue or self indulgent character?

K: Only read the summary so idk. Want me to find out?

J: Doesn't matter ^^

K: Guh. Okay. Japanese sounding name. Strike one. You better start up a fucking tally right now.

J: Oh? What are you reading? That OC one or something else?

K: Strike two. Opinion of self is abnormal. Also the word "bronze" in hair description, but I'm nitpicky.

K: Yes Oc one

J: Abnormal? As in that's how they described themselves? Or the description is abnormal?

K: Strike three. Appeared in the universe of story and has no idea how or why.

K: To answer the last question: "I am…in my opinion, weird."

J: ah, yes. Not good. They could have at least said other people think that of them

K: And this is just about the character. Don't even get me started on the shitty clichés used in this bullshit writing style.

J: Eeee, not good

J: I don't mind people enjoying writing, but they shouldn't put out crap

K: Strike four. Doesn't react when told she's on an asteroid. Strike five. Acknowledges that she didn't react and says most humans aren't as calm.

J: Sooo BAAAAD!

J: Although it's people like them that give me hope that I might make money writing .

K: This goes with strike five in the "I'm specialer than everyone" sense. Blushes gray. Is called different and special. Reaction: "cool."

J: Huh lol, topaz is helping ^^

K: Then they have a bullshit conversation filled with blushing, insecure thoughts and apologies, punctuated with "um, where am I going to stay?"

J: Sigh

K: As if she decided to stay over at a friends place and didn't just wake up on a fucking asteroid full of trolls who told her she's a human test subject

K: And the proceeded to not study or do any experiments on her

J: Yeah…

(and now a look into my crazed need to document! I needed Jessica's help to get the material that my phone had immediately deleted. God, I am such a narcissist and I need a life... ._.; )

K: Weird request: can you forward our messages up until your "lol no reaction" starting from today's conversation?

J: I don't think so, at least it would take awhile, because I would have to copy and paste each message.

J: Why?

K: …would you be able to type them as accurately as possible on Facebook or email? To be honest I'm a freak with a constant agenda and quite fond of

K: This conversation …

J: Fah, ok. Why can't you? Not that I can't

J: I'm just curious

K: Its because my phone wont let me see the messages before that point

J: Oh, ok. And how far back do you want me to go? Because I can go back to our first conversation. Although I would get very aggravated very quickly XD

K: Start with my message from today around 9 something or 10 I think

J: Lol, so just today? Our past selves did have somegems you know ;)

K: Well feel free to type up some gems if you like so long as I can distinguish from today's and you are painfully accurate about it

J: I'm assuming this is Kalyn, right?

K: It always was ;) you should've figured that out when I said I have to be the one reading everything aloud

J: No, I assumed so. I just wanted to make sure I sent it to the right person.

K: I eagerly await your message with baited breath. ;) which medium have you decided to use, by the way?

J: Probably facebook

K: Oh good. The usual then!

J: Unless you want it neatly in one message.

K: That would be nice actually

J: Same email as always then?

K: Yup k13 and all that

J: Excellent! As far as previously requested? Because that's not a whole lot

J: Just so you know

K: I know that no worries. You can do the searching for gems thing too if you like

J: Lol, k

(time passed….still reading fanfiction, by the way.)

K: "He didn't bother to reciprocate in return." Redundancy award of the day. Sorry if this text slips you up by the way.

J: GAH! It totally did! DX

K: Sooorry…

J: Btw, I'm typing everything, sans the part you wanted specifically, into a document, then I'll send everything to you with the attachment

J: Actually I lied, I send short part now, the rest later

K: Oh beautiful! Wow, with times and everything!

K: Coincidentally I was also typing J: and K: before everything

J: Yup, I try to put your initials if I know who's talking

(back to the fanfiction!)

K: I just found the most intentionally retarded crack fic in the world its pretty fun

K: Oh damn it's a creepy necro fest as well…

K: Tavros has a giant dick that keeps growing to massive lengths. This is a gross story.

J: Omigod! Are you srs? What is wrong with people?

K: Ha. They put their own name in the fic. But I guess the word "vagins" was bound to show up in a shitstorm of this caliber.

K: Then they form a sex train. Which, naturally, involves a lot of anal and a strange hermaphroditic circumstance.

K: Also a biological impossibility in which a "vagins" can penetrate another orifice.

J: …..

K: John is a genie and they go eat at applebees afterward.

J: O.o

K: Haha the author is apparently Mexican. And has some sort of stereotype about applebees ingrained in her head.

K: And then a random pair of child siblings have incestual sex.

K: This story was written by some very immature and filthy-minded individuals.

K: It says "TO BE CONTINUED….?" at the end. God I hope its never continued.

K: Oh and it was written in all caps and Springer speak (which I think you can get on Google translate or maybe it's a feature on word now)

K: Which only makes it more annoying.

J: Springer?

K: Yeah like Jerry Springer. That charming brand of language. Only more vulgar and somehow less accurate.

K: Anatomically speaking.

J: I am not familiar

K: Just picture every other word being sexual and vulgar in some way.

K: And every statement is ridiculous and highly improbable.

J: Oh, ok

K: Also highly offensive in a poor attempt to be funny.

J: It all makes sense from what I know of the jerry springer show

K: I wonder if the author wasn't actually Mexican and didn't actually find the story funny and was somehow being racist by posing and implying an

K: Offensive stereotype about Mexicans?

J: Oh?

K: I just want to believe that writers can all have a layer of sophistication at least on some level.

J: Sadly, darling, that is not the case

K: … I'm going to find a story with some class. Anything is a step above the torrent of vulgarity I just read.

J: I don't know why you sat through it all, frankly

K: Meh. Wasn't that long.

K: There's a cute sounding one where tav tells gam a fairy-tale on a rainy day but I don't think I have the energy for 8 chapters…

J: Lol

J: That's good at least

K: This one apparently made several pairings married since one character took the others name in each. All slash too.

J: Oh…

K: Really tells a lot about their view on those relationships regarding gender roles.

J: Huh

K: Dave and john Strider. Tavros and eridan nitram. Sollux and karkat captor.

J: Wow, hmmm I don't like a couple of those

K: Which? Well tav and eridan obviously.

J: Lol, just Davexjohn would I even remotely consider

J: ? I told you I would only consider Davexjohn

K: Aww I like karsol

K: I didn't resend it…

J: Mmmm. … They're best friends as far as I'm concerned

K: But yeah Dave john is what I'm currently addicted to

K: Ha same with the human boys

J: You didn't resend what?

K: You're consecutive, uninterrupted texts read as follows:

K: Lol, just Davexjohn would I even remotely consider

K: ? I told you I would only consider Davexjohn

K: I merely came to a logical conclusion and responded accordingly.

K: Blegh. Your*

J: Oh well, I should probably go to bed. You can keep texting, but I won't answer. Good night and I love you

K: K nite then

blegh. I really need to stop spamming you guys with bullshit conversations. oh well.