She sits on the beach as the sun comes up. The smell of sand, and salt water is overwhelming. Suddenly she feels as if she isn't going to be able to keep the previous day's food down. She grabs her backpack, and races off the sand. She manages to make it to a trash can before she empties the contents of her stomach. Luckily her hair is already secured in a ponytail. She makes the two and a half mile trek to the local YMCA, but the nausea doesn't subside. She heads into the bathroom, and pulls out her toothbrush. She brushes, and swishes with water until the taste of stomach contents dissipates. She hops in the shower, and quickly changes into clean clothes. She checks her watch as she puts her shoes back on. Every single smell is unbearable as she heads towards the exit. The smell of body odor seems completely overwhelming. She swallows hard, but nearly tosses her cookies again. She shakes off the feeling, and grabs a drink out of the water fountain.
An hour later she finally arrives at her destination. She heads into the banquet hall, and secures her belongings in a locker in the locker room. She is the first one to arrive, as per usual. A familiar face enters the locker room. It is a twenty something woman named Sara. She enters the locker room, and finds Kensi sitting on the bench. She stows her belongings in the locker next to Kensi's. She takes a seat next to her as she slips on her vest.
"Kensi, are you feeling okay, you look pale."
"I'm fine," she insists.
"Did you eat breakfast this morning? I have some extra cereal in my bag. The girls have informed me that they don't like raisin bran," she fibs.
"I'm not hungry," she answers. For once she doesn't actually feel hungry. She feels guilty knowing that Sara is a single mom to two daughters who works two jobs, barely making ends meet, who buys an extra box of cereal every week, just to feed her.
"What's wrong?"
"I just feel kind of crummy, I am sure it will pass."
"You didn't eat dinner last night," she points out.
"I wasn't feeling hungry."
"It is the one perk of being a cater waitress, we get to eat whatever extra food there is. What's going on with you?"
"I feel sick," she admits, "Maybe it was something I ate."
"What did you eat yesterday?" Sara questions.
She shrugs, "I had a peanut butter sandwich, and some crackers at lunchtime."
She furrows her brow, "How long have you been feeling sick?"
"I don't know the past week, or two, I guess. This morning was the first time that I actually got sick. I still feel like I am going to puke."
"You're not pregnant, are you?"
Her cheeks turn red, "What?! No!"
"Are you sure?"
Her heart sinks, "No," her voice cracks.
A few hours later she has finished with her catering gig. She heads into the drugstore, around the corner. When she is finished collecting the necessary items she heads to the register. She pulls the last bit of money that she has out of her pocket until the end of the week when she gets paid. She places the items on the counter. The clerk rings up the items, and places them in the bag. Kensi hands her the money. The cashier hands her seventy three cents in change. Kensi exits the drugs store, and heads down the block. She empties the contents of the paper bag, placing each item into her backpack. She places a box of crackers, a jar of peanut butter, and a can of pears into her bag. She studies the final item, and tosses it into her bag too. She heads into a public bathroom. The bathroom is mostly empty, except for a woman wiping her toddler's nose. She closes the stall door, and hangs her backpack on the hook. She pulls out the box, and hesitantly reads the directions. Several moments later, she stands in the stall, staring at her wristwatch. She shifts her glance to the plastic stick in her hand. A bright pink plus sign stares back at her.
His eyes are locked on hers, as she sits next to him in silence. He wonders what she is thinking about. He realizes that she may never be able to tell him. Some things are too painful to share. It kills him to see her in so much pain. He waits for her to break the painful silence that has overtaken their home. He squeezes her hand, but she is somewhere else.
December 25th, 1998
They place a brand new baby on her chest. Suddenly she feels like she can't breathe. She looks at the brand new baby, and he begins to wail. The new lifeform is covered in goo. His dark hair is matted, and she feels completely enveloped in fear. She exhales, and his name falls from her lips.
"Kane." His wailing instantly stops, and he searches for her face, as the nurse vigorously rubs his back.
Hours later she is alone in her room with a brand new baby. The newborn lies in her arms, sound asleep. The reality hits her. She feels completely overwhelmed at the prospect of being responsible for another human being, when she can barely take care of herself. The baby begins to stir, and she unwraps him. She lays him against her chest, and he settles. She runs her fingers through his clean hair. She inhales his scent. He inserts his fingers into his mouth, and begins screaming. She grabs the bottle off the bedside stand, and inserts it into his mouth as she shifts him into her arms. He looks up at her. The tears come before she can stop them. Her index finger caresses the back of his tiny hand, that rests on his chest.
"I'm sorry. I am so sorry."