December 26th, 1998
He wants to run after her, but suddenly there is a baby in his arms. The newborn stares up at him, blankly. He notices the blue hospital issued diaper bag on his desk. He unzips the bag, and finds coupons, a bottle of formula, a handful of diapers, and a sample of wipes. In the front pocket he finds a note. The note is written on a napkin.
Kevin,
This is Kane, Michael's son. Please take care of him, I can't. I wish that I could. Tell him that I am sorry, and that I love him. Keep him safe.
Kensi
He clears his throat, "Kensi."
She looks up at him, "Sorry. What did you say?"
"I didn't say anything."
"Oh."
"We can talk about this later," he reminds her, "You should go talk to him."
"To who?"
"Your son."
"I am sure that he doesn't want to talk to me. I don't even know if he is aware that I exist."
"I am guessing he assumes he has a mother."
"I don't know what Michael told him about me," she explains.
"So find out."
"I…"
"You know they have lived in that neighborhood for twelve years."
"I never tried to find them. I knew that he was safe with him. I couldn't know where he was," she trails off.
"Why not?"
"Do you think that I could have stayed away? I would have ruined his life. Every single day I think about him. Every time I look in a mirror I wonder does he look like me? Does he need me? How could I just abandon him?" The tears stream down her face, "I worked hard not to be the person I was the day that I left him. I went back to school, and I worked hard. I finished high school on time, even though I was more than a year behind. I took so many classes, and I worked. I got scholarships, and I went to college. I didn't want it all to be for naught. I worked hard so…"
"So you would forget?"
She nods, "And I never could. Nothing I ever did was enough to forget. Every single day I wondered what he was doing, and if he was okay, but I knew that they would never let any harm come to him. I didn't want to go back after two years, or ten, and completely disrupt the only life he has ever known. That would be selfish, and he deserves more than that. He deserves more than me."
"You were a scared kid," he reminds her.
She shakes her head, "There is no excuse. I carried him for nine months, and then I walked away."
"You have to go talk to him."
"What would I say? What could I possibly say to him that would make any of this okay? Nothing would ever be enough."
"If you don't try it will eat you alive. Kensi, I can see that this is tearing you up inside."
"It doesn't matter what it is doing to me."
"Don't you think that he is out there wondering about you, too?"
She shrugs, "I don't know."
"Go talk to him," he implores
She stands on a front porch, and stares at the door. She feels as if she is frozen in fear. Her mind races at a million miles an hour. She feels as if her heart might beat out of her chest. What if he is home? What will she say? What if he isn't? What if he answers the door? What if he doesn't want to see her? She raises her hand to knock, her courage quickly dissipates, and she retracts it. The door suddenly comes open. A tall lanky teenager steps onto the porch. She takes a step back, and says nothing.
"We were in there taking bets about how long it would take you to knock. I didn't want to lose, so I just came out."
She still doesn't respond. He closes the door. He points to a chair sitting on the front porch.
"You should have a seat," he suggests.
She nods in agreement, and takes a seat on the seat in front of the window. He situates himself on the porch swing, which is adjacent to her chair.
"First of all, you should know that I don't bite, anymore, at least. I haven't bitten anyone since I was two."
"Good to know."
"I assumed that you were here for me."
"Do you always assume that when a federal agent comes to your door?"
He grins, "Only when she is responsible for giving me life," he answers.
Her anxiety slowly begins to decrease, "I see."
"You have never been a secret," he tells her, "My dad would tell me about you. When I got older, and started asking more questions my dad didn't know what to say. Luckily, for me I live in the age of technology. Your name is on my birth certificate, so I just searched your name."
"I'll be honest, I don't know what to say."
"I am older now than you were when you had me," he points out.
She nods, "You are."
"I can't imagine having a kid. We had to take care of a fake baby for this class I took, and I did not fare well. What I am saying is, I understand."
She shakes her head, "There is no excuse. I made a mistake."
"Did you? I am a happy, well-adjusted human being. I have always had food in my belly, and more love and attention than is natural."
"I am sorry. I don't want you to think that I left you because I didn't want you."
He grins, "I know that," he reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a small picture frame, with a tattered napkin inside. He holds it up for her to see.
Her heart sinks, "You still have that?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
He smiles, "Because you loved me."