Chapter 11 - Betrayal and Goodbye
Eternity's Struggle

Eternity's Struggle, the sequel to A Glimpse of Eternity, is a complication of short stories, letters and life-snapshots that are sprinkled throughout the events of Mass Effect 2 following both Commander Kiara Shepard and Kaidan Alenko. While they're in chronological order, its not the complete storyline of the whole of Shepard's missions as she prepares, then faces, the Collectors. There will be SPOILERS. Please read the Eternity Series - Disclaimer for more general information.

Disclaimer: I own only the parts of the individual personality of Commander Kiara Shepard I have developed inspired by the Commander Shepard in the gameplay. I do not own, nor hold any rights, to any of the characters, dialogue, storylines or any part in or of the "Mass Effect" game series. I want to thank Drew Karpyshyn and his staff of amazing writers, animators and voice actors. These are for fan enjoyment only and no money had been made on these stories.

Kaidan had been right.

Don't trust the Illusive Man and don't trust Cerberus.

She knew that it along, but to have it confirmed so brazenly was a kick in the teeth.

The Illusive Man had led them into a trap, though he claimed it was for the good of the mission. "Doing whatever needed to be done". The Collectors had known they were coming. They'd been waiting. All because the Illusive Man wanted information from their ship and couldn't be bothered to let her know of his plans. He was worried it might've "tipped them off", somehow, had she known. It was a load of bullshit if she'd ever heard one.

She didn't know what to believe anymore. Its not that she had ever trusted the Illusive Man, or Cerberus, but this was something else. She wasn't surprised to learn that the ship they boarded and grabbed the data from was the same one from Horizon. No, the surprise came when they'd learned it was also the same ship that had destroyed the original Normandy - the ship that had killed her. It was beyond coincidence and when she'd learned that, every internal alarm began sounding off. She'd ignored them and it almost had cost them the Normandy SR-2.

To top everything else off, the Collectors were Protheans - or rather they had been at one point.

At least Shepard had been given the last few weeks to really build up her team. It was a good one but they weren't quite finished. She didn't have any more team members to recruit but she did have promises to keep. She couldn't fault the crew for wanting to wrap up their lives and clean up loose ends. Once they entered the Omega 4 Relay, it was likely going to be a one-way shot.

Her mind kept wandering to Kaidan but whenever it did, her heart ached to an almost unbearable degree. At those times, she focused that pain on her goal: to eliminate the Collectors. She hoped it would foil the Reapers for good but she knew better. After everything she had seen, she knew it wouldn't be that easy. It would slow them down, buy the galaxy time to prepare, but that was it.

No matter how much she focused on her mission though, none of It changed the fact he was gone. She hoped the future held something for them, somehow, but the closer they got to confronting the Collectors, the more she doubted it.

She missed him. Everywhere she looked was something to remind her of him. On missions, when she'd look to see who had her six, for a brief moment she would expect to see him there as he always had been. When wandering the Normandy, whose layout was so similar to the original, and seeing that silly spot that reminded her of Kaidan always be fighting with that damned faulty console. It was a galley now but the memories still held strong, making the ache never seem to go away entirely.

The nights were the worst though. She missed him beside her. Not just in bed. She had quickly gotten used to the feel of him beside her in bed, yes, during those few times they'd had together. But it was more than that. She missed him in everything and she missed everything about him. His body and the way he could bring out her deepest pleasures. His steady breath, lulling her in to sleep. His warmth keeping her safe and secure. His voice, strong and sure, while he wrapped her as his arms in a tight embrace when she woke from her nightmares.

At least those had stopped, though it was only a small relief in the grand scheme of her life.

The galaxy could be such a lonely place. The longer their mission went on, and the more unlikely it became they would return from the Omega 4 relay, the more lonely she got. She saw the way Thane looked at her. She knew with every conversation they shared, the closer they got. She enjoyed his company and he enjoyed hers. The fact he was an alien didn't bother her, yet every time she considered the thought of moving on, she found her thoughts turning to Kaidan and suddenly she couldn't breath. How could she consider moving on when still, deep in her heart, Kaidan had given her a shred of hope? A shred that maybe, when this was all over and if they survived, they might be able to find a way? A second chance to figure it all out again…

If they survived. They were doing everything they could to give themselves the best fighting chance but the odds were stacked against them. Could she put him through holding onto the hope of them only to have her die, again? Wouldn't it be better if she just let him go now?

She still hadn't replied to the letter he'd sent after Horizon. She didn't have anything to say. She didn't even know if it was going to get through all the Cerberus bullshit. Her others before Horizon hadn't. She sighed and rubbed her temples. She was on a suicide mission set to take on the Collectors at their home world, or at least base. Could she really let him continue to hope with that likelihood looming over her?

She stared at his picture on her desk. No, she couldn't. He deserved the chance to move on. He had said he couldn't bear to lose her again but the chances of that were growing higher with each passing day. At least, maybe, this time she could give him some closure. Not to mention get some herself. It would let her focus on her mission while she fought like hell to get them all home.

Picking up a data pad, she headed out of her quarters and down to the port observation deck. It was rarely used and she knew it would give her the privacy to write what she knew would be the hardest message of her life. It was a change of scenery and it'd become a tranquil little hideaway for her where no one could find her.

Sitting on one of the sofas, she curled up her feet and started typing out the words:

Subject: Closure
From: Kiara Shepard

To: CDR Kaidan Alenko

It's me.

I know I probably should have written a while ago but, to be honest, I didn't know what to say. What could I say?

I'm sending this on a secure transmission buried in layers of encryption, hoping this get through, because there are things I have to say and things you have to know and I don't trust Cerberus. The mission parameters have changed…or, rather, they've gotten a lot more complex and…I don't think I'm gonna make it back from this one.

Where its taking me and my crew is looking like a one-way ticket - a trip through the Omega 4 relay to a drop zone the size of a pinhead on the edge of the galactic core. All to destroy the Collector homeworld. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure my crew, and anyone who may have survived the Collectors, make it home. You know me. I don't accept status quo and I never accept it when people try to tack on the word 'impossible'.

Still, it looks grim and this time, I can't go and do what I need to do without saying a few things.

I don't fault you for the things you said on Horizon. The words hurt but I can't blame them. I can't even imagine what it must've been like for you. All I can say is…I'm sorry. I want you to know that I love you, Kaidan. I think I've loved you since the moment I woke up in the infirmary and you were standing there, dark circles under your eyes, from keeping that damn vigil over me.

You're the strongest man I know and the most steady. You never waver in the face of challenges and you rush headlong to be the champion of the mistreated. You're a good man and an exceptional soldier. You were my light when the darkness was at its darkest. In your arms, I found the strength to be good enough for the galaxy. Good enough for you.

You deserve so much more than you've gotten, Kaidan. You deserve happiness and peace. A chance for a future. I'm going to fight to very end to make sure you have that chance - to make sure the Reapers stay far away for as long as they can. Find that Doctor you talked about or someone else, fall in love again. Fill that dream house on the bay with the pitter pat of little Alenko's and live a life full of love and happiness.

I'm saying let me go. Where we're headed, I can't do what I need to do knowing that when I don't come back through that relay, you'll have to bear what you already went through all over again. I can't do that do you, Kaidan. I want you, I need you, to mourn me. Mourn me now while I am alive. Say goodbye while we still have the chance.

I also need you to make me a promise. A promise that, no matter what happens, you will keep fighting to warn the galaxy of the Reapers. They're coming, Kaidan. Even if I stop the Collectors, the Reapers will still come. I hope what we're doing will buy you time to prepare but there's no telling what's going to happen. The cycle will continue eventually but I know with the right chance, we can break it. We can do what the Prothean's couldn't. Reach out to Liara on Illium and the Wrex on Tuchanka. Lean on them. Use them. Put pressure on the Council. Muster support with the Alliance.

Do whatever you need to do to ensure we win this in long haul. We can fight and we can win but we need to start preparing now. Failure of this mission, for me, is not an option. My team and I will succeed and we will slow down the Reapers. But I need to know that here at home, the fight will continue, whether we make it back or not.

I have to go now.

Take care of yourself, Kaidan, and know that I have no regrets beyond losing you. It has been my privilege knowing you and there is no one who I am more proud to have served with than you. I go to this mission with a heart full in the knowledge that just for a time, you were mine. That for a short time, I knew what it felt like to be loved in a way few even dream of.

Until my last breath, I will never stop loving you.

Goodbye Kaidan. Stay safe.

Kiara

The data pad saved as tears trickled down Kiara's cheek. Her heart had been aching for weeks but with her words on the pad, it had finally broke completely. She knew it was the right decision, for him and for her. She couldn't bear the thought of what Kaidan would go through if she didn't return. It would've been a distraction and their best hope for getting home alive was to have no distractions. Everyone was working on their unfinished business.

The letter was hers.

She'd never been very good at words and as she reread what she'd written, she felt it lacking. There was so much more she wanted to say and share but she didn't know how. Wiping her cheeks, she sniffled softly and looked out the window as the stars rushed past them. It was quiet and serene and it balanced the raging torment consuming her soul.

For the next few hours, she just sat there watching the stars, the letter lingering as a draft. When she finally decided to head to her quarters, she brought up the data pad and took one last look at her letter. A moment later, it was sent. With a heavy sigh, and a heavy heart, she returned to her cabin.

A small smile formed on her lips when she saw Urz stretched out along one side of the bed. At least her bed wasn't totally empty.

Changing into her sweats and tank top, she padded over to the bed and crawled in under the covers. The loneliness crept in once more as she reached over and wrapped her arm around her bedmate. He let out a small sound she'd learned was contentment.

Curled up there with her varren, she let the tears come again until she'd cried herself dry. Only then did a dreamless sleep of exhaustion pull her once more into the darkness.