Chapter 13 - Confession
Eternity's Struggle

Eternity's Struggle, the sequel to A Glimpse of Eternity, is a complication of short stories, letters and life-snapshots that are sprinkled throughout the events of Mass Effect 2 following both Commander Kiara Shepard and Kaidan Alenko. While they're in chronological order, its not the complete storyline of the whole of Shepard's missions as she prepares, then faces, the Collectors. There will be SPOILERS. Please read the Eternity Series - Disclaimer for more general information.

Disclaimer: I own only the parts of the individual personality of Commander Kiara Shepard I have developed inspired by the Commander Shepard in the gameplay. I do not own, nor hold any rights, to any of the characters, dialogue, storylines or any part in or of the "Mass Effect" game series. I want to thank Drew Karpyshyn and his staff of amazing writers, animators and voice actors. These are for fan enjoyment only and no money had been made on these stories.

Shepard sat in her quarters at her desk looking over the latest intel from Cerberus. Another colony had gone missing by the Collectors. Damnit. The situation was growing more dire, more desperate. She wished they could depart immediately but they were still waiting on one more thing. They couldn't go into the relay blind. They needed the IFF and then they needed to get it up and functional.

Shaking her head, she found herself needing to get out of her quarters. She headed for the quiet tranquility of the port observation deck again and curled up on one of the sofas. Since the night she'd written her farewell letter to Kaidan, she'd spent a lot of time in the room. It'd become her haven. A place for her to stop and collect her thoughts. Once, that haven had been Kaidan but that was over. He was gone, she had made sure of that. The thought of losing him still made her heart ache to an almost unbearable degree.

She was pulled from her thoughts as she heard the doors to the deck open. "Forgive me, I hope I am not disturbing you," Thane said from the doorway.

Shepard turned and looked over the back of the sofa and smiled, shaking her head, "Not at all. Please. Join me," she said, gesturing to the seat beside her. Though she had gone to the observation deck to not be disturbed, for some reason when Thane came in, she didn't feel disturbed.

He bowed his head in thanks and came into the room, the door sliding shut behind him as he took a seat beside Shepard. "What's on your mind?" she asked, bringing her leg up to rest on the seat as she remained turned to face him.

"Will you hear my confession, siha?" Thane asked, his voice low and warm. His eyes, a dark green so dark they nearly looked black spanning from corner to corner, searched hers as he sat there.

"Last time we talked like this, you said you'd explain what 'siha' means," she said with a smile, curious as to what it was he continued to call her. She didn't dislike it and she had a feeling it wasn't anything insulting. The way he said it was almost reverent, and was always spoken like an endearment.

"I need to explain myself to you first," Thane said, "When I married Irikah, the hanar let me leave their service to raise a family. But I had no other skills, so I freelanced. When Irikah was killed, I pursued those responsible. Once I'd eliminated them, I had no goal. I accepted the Dantius commission because I didn't know what else to do."

"Not the healthiest attitude to take on a mission," she said with a chide, though it was spoken with warmth with her understanding. The grief he must have felt was something she couldn't fathom. Is that what Kaidan had done? Threw himself into his work because he didn't know what else to do? Its what she was doing, and even though Kaidan was not dead, he was gone from her life all the same.

"You're right. It's not. Looking back now, it's clear I'd resigned myself to death," Thane confessed, "I would have fulfilled my contract. If Nassana's guards caught me afterwards…it would have been a good death." His energy became impassioned as he tilted forward towards her slightly, "But someone else was pushing to reach the target. Forcing me to move faster. Challenging me. I had to reach her first." The smile on his lips showed that it hadn't annoyed him but rather pleased him she had been there.

Shepard was still caught on the fact he had gone into the contract expecting to die. "I had no idea you'd planned to die in there," she said softly. She knew he was dying from his disease, but he hardly seemed like the suicidal type. Then again, she thought, couldn't they all be considered suicidal given the mission they were on?

"It wasn't a plan," Thane corrected, "My body had accepted its death. My mind had been dead a long time." He leaned, resting his arm on the back of he sofa, his gaze softening as he looked at her, "But I met another siha. Few are privileged to meet even one."

Shepard felt a warmth spread over her at the way he looked at her, speaking that endearment again. It brought a smile to her lips, "You still haven't told me what a 'siha' is."

"One of the warrior-angels of the goddess Arashu. Fierce in wrath. A tenacious protector," Thane said, not leaning away. Shepard was speechless that he considered her what he'd called her. She was humbled and awed by it. His gaze grew intense and focused, "I confess, I've come to care for you. Perhaps I'm being foolish. We are very different."

Shepard looked at him, returning his gaze. She had seen the way he looked at her over the previous few weeks and wondered. It had given her pause a few times and not for the bad. Still, now wasn't the time. Not with what they were about to go through and not with the healing she was still choking through over Kaidan.

Besides, she worried Thane wanted of her what she couldn't give him. She sighed, "We are very different people, Thane. I wouldn't be able to replace Irikah." Her gaze searched his, waiting for his response. She didn't want to give him false hope. Even if there was a chance for her to have felt more for him, she couldn't replace Irikah. By the way he spoke of her, she knew he still loved his wife deeply.

"You wouldn't have. You can love more than one in a lifetime," Thane said softly, though the disappointment was written in the lines of his face. "I respect your wishes. I won't speak of his again." He stood and reached for her hand, taking it gently in his, "I hope it won't offend if I carry you in my heart."

Before she could respond, he released her hand and left the deck as the doors hissed shut behind him. She sat there, thinking on his words. For Kaidan's sake, she hoped what Thane said was true and that a person could love more than one in a lifetime. For her, she doubted it was true. Even with the true end of her life seeming to be coming up much more quickly than she imagined, she'd had her love and she'd lost him.

She sighed. She cared for Thane and hated that she'd hurt him but it was for the better. She knew deep in her heart there was no one else she could love as she loved Kaidan. She was damaged goods on an impossible mission. Death was a higher likely outcome than survival. She lived for the mission now.