Me Before You: A New Chapter 6

We arrived at hospital and were soon checked into a room. Once we were settled in, me in bed and Will beside me, Nate excused himself to the waiting room. I think he left partially to give us privacy, and partially because he was tired of hearing me ask a thousand worrisome questions that each began with "what if?"

I knew I was being absurd, but I was beside myself with worrying. I spent most of the drive to hospital peppering Will and Nate with questions. Now that we were in a room, I was on my phone, searching the internet for information, all of which I passed on in real time to Will. Will was seated quietly by the window and responded to my updates with vague murmurings of "hmmm," "alright," and "I see."

Finally, I stopped talking long enough to realize that his mind was elsewhere, "Will, are you even listening?"

No response.

"Please, Will. Will? At least tell me what you're thinking!"

Will turned his chair and looked at me then, quite lovingly and with surprising calm. He nodded slightly before answering. "You want to know what I'm thinking? I am thinking that you and I are actually about to become parents, Clark. Can you fancy that? You and me - parents."

Absurdly, I let out a little gasping sob at the enormity of this idea. Will rolled right up next to me at the bed, watching me. He waited until I caught my breath and raised my head. When I did, our eyes met and, as they did, he smiled his most reassuring smile at me and said softly, "AndI am thinking that is exceptionally wonderful news."

Will let that sink in a moment and then, turning more serious, added, "And I do think you're correct to do some research as you are. I also think that we should have Dr. Wu run a second AFI, so that we can see if it will confirm or contradict the findings of the first, and that we should have her run a deep pocket test as well. I don't see how that can hurt. Then, we'll have all of that information and we'll be able to talk with her and figure out what to do next."

He paused, watching me; when I didn't answer, he added, "I have every confidence in you, Clark; everything is going to be just fine, you'll see."

Not wanting to say what I was thinking, but at the same time, feeling like I had to, I said, "I'm just so frightened, Will."

He smiled reassuringly, his eyes twinkling, then whispered conspiratorially, "Me too, Clark." Then he winked, "But I have a very good feeling about this. It's going to be alright. You'll see. We're going to make excellent parents, you and I."

Tears spilled down my cheeks. As they did, Will smiled again and then an odd look crossed his face, just for a second, and then his features clouded over.

"Will, what is it?"

He averted his eyes, shook his head and readjusted his expression before looking back up, "It's nothing. I'm sorry."

"No, really, Will – what is it?"

I could see that he was considering denying whatever it was, or making up some fiction, but I knew him too well and he wasn't going to get away with it. My panic was rising as I imagined that he'd just thought of some other danger to the baby that I'd not yet realized, which of course, Will realized I was thinking, because he knew me as well as I knew him, so he spoke more, I think, to save me from unnecessarily worrying about the baby than to answer my question. "It's stupid, really," he said, faking a small laugh, "It's nothing. I just," he paused for a long moment, as if he was trying to find the words, then he looked at me, with that rare and terrible sad look that sometimes came into his eyes, and he said, "sometimes I forget, you know? Just for a moment there, I thought I could just reach out and …"

He shook his head and his voice trailed off as he quickly turned away, looking back at the window. After a long moment, he said quietly, "I was just wishing I could dry your tears, Clark."

He looked back to me then, "Sometimes it's the small things that are hardest, you know?"

Not trusting myself to speak, I just held my breath and nodded my head.

I don't know how much later Dr. Wu arrived. Will and I passed the time in silence, each lost in our thoughts, I suppose. The arrival of the doctor brought us back to the present. Will explained our wishes about the tests to her and she concurred with our desire to repeat the first test and run the second; both were conducted quickly and yielded similar results. My fluid level was low, not so low as to constitute an utter emergency, but low enough that when coupled with the baby's lack of independent breathing, that Dr. Wu decided to put me on IV fluids and a baby monitor so that she could keep an eye on the status of both for the rest of the day and throughout the overnight hours.

Will wanted to stay the night, but Nate and I agreed it made more sense for him to go home and get some rest while he had the chance. Will wasn't thrilled about it, but he eventually capitulated and allowed Nate to drive him home. They left just after mum and Treen arrived. This was no coincidence; Treen was her usual bossy self and shooed the boys out, telling them to get their rest so they could be "useful" tomorrow. She was not all bossiness though; she also brought me a paper sack filled with tacky magazines from the gift shop and a special care package from Thomas. He had sent me his teddy bear, accompanied by very specific written instructions explicitly stating that this was only a "loan" and that no one was touch the bear except me or "baby." Treen had me sign the document before she left, which was sooner than she expected because, apparently visiting hours were over and the nurse kicked them out shortly after they arrived.

Once they'd gone, I settled in and relaxed as best I could. I was too wound up for sleep, so I passed the hours reading the magazines that Treen had brought. When my eyes tired, I switched to watching cooking shows on my in-room telly. It was actually not an unpleasant night at all. Other than having to urinate about 1,000 times, I was fairly comfortable. I finally drifted off for a few hours of sleep near dawn.

Nate and Will were back before morning rounds. Will looked exhausted, but insisted he was fine. We were both on edge when the doctor came in for morning rounds and listened intently as she told us my fluid level was lower than when I'd been admitted and that the baby's independent breathing was better, but still not where it "should be." Dr. Wu announced that it was time to induce labor. She assured us that the baby was "ready" to come and that this was the safest course of action, albeit with some worries, Will and I took a deep breath and told her to proceed.

We spent the rest of the day watching old movies on the player in my room and laughing about Treen's magazines. As evening rolled in and I was still "not progressing," the nursing staff increased my medication and set up the other bed in our room for Will to spend the night. Nate stayed as well, sleeping in the chair, so that he could attend to Will's needs. Will had been adamant that he would not stay the night if there were any danger of his doing so distracting the staff from my care, so Nate stepped up. They were both fast asleep when my contractions began in earnest around 1 AM. Things went rather quickly from there and, by 4:00, I was just about done in from pushing. Will was right beside me the whole time and must have been nearly as exhausted as I was. Nate was there as well, staying out of the way unless he was needed to assist Will. Finally, after what felt like a week of pushing, the baby still wasn't out and Dr. Wu suggested we consider an episiotomy. This was something that I had originally been opposed to, based on my research and desire for as natural a birth as possible, but by this point, I would been game to cut or even cut off any given body part, just to move things along.

Will grimaced as he watched a nurse inject me with a numbing agent and looked like he might actually faint when Dr. Wu made the actual cut. I felt nothing and was simply thrilled when the cutting did the trick. Almost before I knew what was happening, Dr. Wu was telling me to give "one more big good push!" and telling Will, "here comes your baby, Papa!" Then, before we knew it, we were welcoming our beautiful girl to the world.

Willa Clark Traynor arrived at 4:32 AM. As I watched Willa enter this world, I also watched Will watching Willa, and in that moment – I not only saw my daughter born, I saw my husband reborn.