Chapter 20

After the dinner ended, Takumi took a taxi to the tow yard in expectation of retrieving his vehicle, while Tora and Mizaki shared a taxi back to their apartment. Mizaki had been growing increasingly excited about the anticipated marriage proposal while Tora was growing increasingly nervous about giving Mizaki back her journal.

"You looked lovely tonight, Misa," Tora mentioned. He was fairly sure he'd already told her this, but it was so true. Misaki beamed. "Did you have a good time? You look so happy." Tora couldn't help but worry Misaki looked so happy because she had spent the evening with Takumi.

"I was happy because I knew that after the stupid dinner was over I would get to spend time with you. The man I love." She reached over and did something very out of character. She took a hold of his hand.

Tora smiled. He looked down at her hand in his. "Your dancing was amazing. In high school, you and Takumi were very serious you know."

Misaki sighed. At Misaki's insistence, Tora had worked very hard to curb his jealous and possessive nature, but they both knew it would always be there lurking below the surface. "Tora," Misaki said taking his face in both her hands so she could stare straight into his eyes, "I'm not in high school anymore."

"But you can't remember that time," he said swallowing tears that were welling up in him. "What if your feelings... about him… about me….change if you do start to remember."

Misaki pulled Tora closer and laid his head on her chest. She whispered in his ear, "I can't promise learning more about my past won't change my feelings about Takumi, but I can promise that I will always love you. My memories after the comma are perfectly intact and I know what a strong, caring, kind, selfless man that you are Tora. It doesn't matter to me who you used to be. What matters to me is who you are right now. And right now, you are my Wonderful Tora, the man that has captured my heart."

The taxi approached their apartment complex and the couple shifted in the back seat so they were in a less intimate position. Tora felt temporarily relieved by Misaki's words but as they left the cab, and the task at hand returned to his mind, Tora once again felt the dread he'd been feeling all dinner. If he had been right to keep her journal from her, why was he so afraid of how she would react once he returned it. Was he truly afraid that remembering Takumi would send her into a state of despair or had he unconsciously been keeping this from her for his own selfish reasons? Tora had been such a different person before Misaki. He'd been selfish and ruthless. He told himself that he'd changed, but maybe, just maybe, the Tora of his youth was the real him. Maybe that Tora was still lurking below the surface, controlling his actions while feeding him rational to make him believe his intentions were pure. Maybe deep down, he was deceiving Misaki for his own selfish reasons.

They entered the living room and Tora asked Misaki to take a seat on the couch. "There is something I want to give to you," he said as he disappeared into their bedroom. Misaki felt butterflies in her stomach when Tora returned with one hand holding something behind his back. He looked frightened which could not have been more enduring. Misaki had never considered it, but it must be terrifying asking someone else to marry you. It would leave anybody completely exposed emotionally.

It was true that Misaki had told Tora she wanted to wait until their fourth anniversary before getting engaged, but tonight, at the dinner she knew she was ready now. When she'd watched him with Chiyo she'd felt jealous. Tora had, ever so briefly, looked at Chiyo with a hint of lust in his expression. Tora was a man and Chiyo was stylish and beautiful. It wasn't completely unexpected that he might look at or notice other women. What mattered was that he never acted on those impulses. But what made Misaki pause was the way a Chiyo looked at him. Of course she understood, and knew, there was nothing between Tora and Chiyo, but the way that she would look at him with such fondness and respect, it was clear that if Tora was single she wouldn't hesitate to pursue him. And why not. Tora was quite the catch. Putting aside his family's wealth and position and his smoking hot body and chiseled features, he was kind, smart and considerate. He was everything she could possibly asked for. Truth be told, Misaki couldn't understand how she had gotten so lucky. And soon, they would be official.

"Am I sitting the way you want me to?" She asked. She wondered if he'd be dropping to one knee and if so, had she left him enough room on the floor before her. Maybe she should sit on the edge of the couch so he could more easily reach for her hand when he wanted to slip on the ring. She scanned the room. Maybe he'd planted a few hidden cameras. If so, where could they be? She wanted to make sure they could pick up the best angles.

Tora found the question odd. "You're fine." He responded. Misaki smiled. She was in the right position. It must be fate. What were the chances that she happened to plop herself down on the couch at just the right angle when there were so many variables to consider.

"Should I close my eyes or anything?" She asked.

"No," he said as he sat down on the couch beside her. Misaki found it a little unexpected. Maybe he wanted to feel the waters before he asked officially. He took one of her hands in his free hand. "Misa… I love you so much. I would do anything in the world to protect you. I've thought long and hard about giving this to you but I think you're ready now."

Misaki was beaming. She couldn't torture him anymore and if she didn't say it, she felt like she'd burst, "YES!" It came out almost like a shout one might hear from someone that just accomplished some difficult challenge. She looked a little embarrassed. She'd not intended to sound quite so anxious.

The shout surprised Tora. It made him jump a little. It was so very unexpected and frankly puzzling. He set the book down on the couch behind him and turned around to see if something had happened. There was nothing. He looked at Misaki, "is everything okay?"

She blushed. "Sorry, just jumping the gun." She folded her hands in her lap and looked down. "Please continue."

Tora picked up the book again with his hand still concealed behind his back. "Misaki, there is something I've been wanting to give you for a long time, but the timing just never seemed right." He pulled the large book out from behind his back and set it in her lap.

Misaki's smile disappeared and was replaced with utterly confused. "What is this," she asked. She flipped the book over looking at it. It was defiantly just a book. No cleverly disguised jewelry box. She felt disappointed and a bit foolish for expecting a proposal.

"It's yours. It's your diary. From before the crash." Tora was staring at his feet. He had seen the sudden change in her mood when he handed her the object. He felt terrible. He assumed she actually knew what it was and her smile had disappeared so suddenly because she wanted to know why he'd kept it from her. But once he responded to her question, her expression once again did a 180. Now it was his turn to be confused. Misaki was acting so odd tonight. Maybe he'd made a mistake giving this back to her today. Maybe he should have waited until morning when she was less tired and drained from a long dinner party.

Misaki stared at the object in her hands. It took her a few seconds to register what this meant but once she understood what she held her face lit up with a look of pure joy. Could it be that her hands might be holding the key to this prison she had created for herself? If she could regain her memories and feel like a whole person again, she could return to law school. She wouldn't need to worry about offending every stranger that approached her wondering if they were not a mere stranger but rather some person she was supposed to know. She could stop having to revisit and share her past with everyone she encountered who was upset by her lack of recognition. She wouldn't need to make up stories when her co-workers asked what she had been like in her youth. It was exciting. And scary…. Tora had told her he used to be an entirely different person. What if she didn't like who she had been? She knew she was referred to as a Demon President. Maybe she'd been a bully. Everyone kept saying how "close" she'd been to Takumi. What is she'd been a slut? She was so nervous. Was she ready to see her past? Would she like her former self? There were a thousand questions swirling in her mind, but the two that seemed to pop out were "Where did you find this?" and "When did you find this?"

Tora stared harder at the floor. "Your mother gave it to me when you were in a comma." Oh God. That sounded terrible. He wanted to say more to explain, but he was struck by fear. Misaki was acting so much different than he expected tonight. He couldn't read her. He didn't know what to say to explain himself. 'I was worried you too weak to handle the truth.' No. that would not go over well. She wasn't weak and resented anyone that even suggested it. 'I was waiting until you had recovered.' No. she had recovered over a year ago and he had found countless reasons to delay this moment. 'I didn't think it was important' or 'I was hoping you would remember on your own'…. No. Nothing was good enough. His motives were too convoluted for even him to understand let alone justify to her. He had always told himself it was a simple answer, but in truth, he'd kept this from her for a thousand reasons and some of those reasons were self serving.

Misaki heard his worlds and froze. She had felt this feeling before. The feeling where she thought she knew someone but then discovered they had done something she never expected. Was it when her father had left them? Yes. She'd felt it then. But there was another time more recently. She couldn't remember but she knew it had happened in aloud environment. This book, maybe it would help her remember. But it hurt. She hurt right now. She hurt when her father had left. Did she want to remember one more time where someone she loved, someone she trusted, someone else felt safe with had take all of her faith and thrown it out the window as they dug the knife of deceit into her stomach? Was that third time… the foggy dream… was that also a man?

When her father had left she swore off all men. She told herself that they can never be trusted. They will take from you. Her father had take all of the family's money. Now Tora had taken away part of her life. Why had she believed in him so much? If she'd kept her guard up, this wouldn't hurt so much, it wouldn't be such a surprise. But this was a Tora. Her Tora. The one that drove her to every therapy session and every medical appointment. The one who carried her to the toilet when she was too weak to walk there herself. The one who made her go back to work and refused to stop believing in her. Tora was the reason she had a future. Why would he think of hiding her past? She felt betrayed but even more, she felt confused. "Why?" As the question left her lips, the hot tears began flowing down her cheeks.

Tora was still at a loss. He had started asking himself the same question. His natural response was to go back to the answer he had told himself over and over this past 18 months. An answer he wasn't even sure he believed anymore. "You were suicidal. The memories in this book… they are the things that made you that way. I couldn't reopen that door of your life. I couldn't risk what it might do to you. I always planned to give it back… I just… I just needed to make sure you were ready." It had all made sense to him before. But he knew somewhere in his heart that this was only a half truth.

Misaki could see in his eyes that Tora wasn't being completely honest with her. How many other times had he lied? She felt like the man in front of her was not the man she knew. Had she been living with a stranger this whole time? All people have more than one side. She thought that she had seen all of Tora's sides, but this one seemed different… new. She couldn't be near him right now. Opening the door way to her past put her in a vulnerable position. She needed to be around people she trusted in and in an environment she felt safe before she could step through that door. Right now, right here… she didn't feel safe. She felt like she was sitting next to a stranger who had robbed her of something precious and then lied to her about it for over a year. She needed to get away. Maybe she could forgive Tora, but first she needed to focus on finding herself. She couldn't do that if she were near him. Trying to sort out what he'd done, why he'd done it, if he was justified…. It was too distracting. She would first learn of her past. Then she would consider this relationship. She stood up and took the book. She found her purse and she walked toward the door. She opened it to leave but right before she slammed it shut, she turned and glared at Tora. "You don't get to decide if and when I'm ready to know my past. I won't be home tonight. Don't try to reach me." She slammed the door shut. Tora began to sob.