The Jeff Hardy Show

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, welcome to The Jeff Hardy Show!" Jeff yelled at the top of his lungs. "I am your host, Jeff Hardy, and sitting next to me is the jelly to my peanut butter, the cheese to my macaroni, my brother Matt!"

"What in the hell are you doing?" Matt asked. "We're not on a show. We're just sitting in the middle of an empty arena with a TV monitor in front of us."

"That's where you're wrong Monsieur Poopy Pants," Jeff replied. "You see, The Jeff Hardy Show is the newest addition to 's fine programming."

"You mean people are going to be watching this train wreck? Oh fuck me."

"Matt! It is not that kind of program! That's the kind of shit you're going to find in perverted fanfics. Besides, even if I did want to fuck you, Beth and Maria would not be happy about it."

"You mean people actually write about us having sex?"

"Yeah, I was disturbed by that too. But that's next week's topic. ANYWAY, I sent six people on a random blind date earlier today. Let's check in on the first couple."

Shawn and Maria showed up on the TV monitor. They were standing at an amusement park. "What the hell are you doing Jeff?" Maria yelled. "I'm dating your brother for crying out loud!"

"And I'm married!" Shawn added.

Matt glared at his brother. "You are so dead Rainbow Boy."

Jeff held up his hands innocently. "Hey, don't blame me! This was all completely random. None of this is my fault."

"Oh save the bullshit," Shawn snapped. "When I get a hold of you, I'm going to kick your teeth down your--OH MY GOD MARIA, LOOK! IT'S A GIANT PURPLE ELEPHANT! WIN IT FOR ME! WIN IT FOR ME!"

"Terrific," Jeff said cheerfully. "They seem to be having fun. Now let's check in with our second couple."

The next thing that came up on the monitor was Trish Stratus and Mickie James sitting at some restaurant.

"Jeff, this is not cool," Trish snapped. "I told you that once I retired that you couldn't mess with me like this any more."

"Oh come on Trish, you and Mickie had a special bond," Jeff protested. "It's time for you to reconnect with each other. And by "reconnect" I mean make-out with each other and give me some huge fucking ratings"

Mickie groaned. "Oh my God, you are so dead when I get there tonight."

"Well they're no fun, so we'll just cut away from them."

"Jeff, you are an idiot," Matt said. His patience was wearing thin. "You're just making people want to kick your ass."

"Shut up Jelly Cheese. I'm Peanut Butter Macaroni here."

"That did not make any sense whatsoever."

"It didn't have to, I'M THE HOST OF THE SHOW! Moving on, let's check on our third couple."

The next thing everyone saw was Ted DiBiase Jr. and Cody Rhodes making out. Jeff just stared at the screen in shock while Matt gagged. Hunter chose that moment to walk on the "set". "I knew those two were fairies," he commented. Then he walked away, having made his official cameo for the chapter.

"Moving on from that grossness," Jeff said as he turned off the monitor. "Let's bring out our musical guest, Randy Orton!"

Randy came out, but he didn't look happy. "Why the hell am I the musical guest? I don't even sing."

"You will now," Jeff said. He handed Randy a microphone. Randy threw it down and gave Jeff an RKO before storming away.

Matt just sighed and shook his head. "Ladies and gentleman, this is the end of The Jeff Hardy Show. Please pick up the remains of your sanity and try to go on with your lives."