Star Wars: Remix version
Chapter Forty-Two: Plan A
Chewie, Luke, Leia, Padme, Anna and the droids were stationed at a base in the desolated desert of Tatooine.
"Are you sure about this Master Luke?" Threepio asked, nervously.
"Don't worry Threepio" Luke reassured the droid. "We have a back-up plan if this fails" This did nothing to comfort the droid. He had heard of the horrors of Jabba the Hutt. Threepio sighed as Luke slipped a device into one of Artoo's many crevices. Suddenly a hologram appeared from the Falcon's message device. Lando Calrissian appeared, dressed as a guard in Jabba's service.
"I'm in" He said swiftly. "The time to act is now. Ready for Phase One" The transmission faded. Luke turned to Threepio, who sighed and led Artoo off the ship.
A lonely, windswept road meandered through the desolate Tatooine terrain. Artoo and Threepio, made their way along the road toward the ominous palace of Jabba the Hutt.
"Of course I'm worried. And you should be, too. Han Solo is in danger and we might be too" Threepio said a word of warning. Artoo whistled timidly. "Don't be so sure. If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short-circuit" The two droids fearfully approached the massive gate to the palace. "Artoo, are you sure this is the right place?" Artoo beeped and whistled. "I better knock, I suppose"
Threepio looked around for some kind of signaling device, then timidly knocked on the iron door.
"There doesn't seem to be anyone there. Let's go back and tell Master Luke" Threepio said quickly, turning to leave. A small hatch in the middle of the door opened and a spidery mechanical arm, with a large electronic eyeball on the end, popped out and inspected the two droids.
"Tee chuta hhat yudd!" Said a strange voice.
"Goodness gracious me!" Threepio said, spinning around. He pointed to Artoo, then to himself.
"Artoo Detoowha bo Seethreepiowha ey toota odd mischka Jabba du Hutt" The eye looked from one robot to the other, there was a laugh then the eye zipped back into the door. The hatch slammed shut. Artoo beeped his concern. "I don't think they're going to let us in, Artoo. We'd better go" Artoo beeped his reluctance as Threepio turned to leave. Suddenly the massive door started to rise with a horrific metallic screech. The robots turned back and faced an endless black cavity. The droids looked at one another, afraid to enter.
Artoo started forward into the gloom. Threepio rushed after his stubby companion. The door lowered noisily behind them.
"Artoo, wait. Oh, dear! Artoo. Artoo, I really don't think we should rush into all this" Threepio pleaded.
Artoo continued down the corridor, with Threepio following.
"Oh, Artoo! Artoo, wait for me!" Threepio wailed.
The door slammed shut with a loud crash that echoed throughout the dark passageway. The frightened robots were met by two giant, green gammorean guards, who fell in behind them. Threepio glanced quickly back at the two lumbering brutes, then back to Artoo. One guard grunted an order. Artoo beeped nervously.
"Just you deliver Master Luke's message and get us out of here. Oh my! Oh! Oh, no" Threepio stammered.
Walking toward them out of the darkness was Bib Fortuna, a humanlike alien with long tentacles protruding from his skull.
"Die Wanna Wanga!" Fortuna said.
"Oh, my! Die Wanna Wauaga. We - we bring a message to your master, Jabba the Hutt" Threepio replied. Artoo let out a series of quick beeps. "...and a gift" He paused and turned to Artoo. "Gift, what gift?" He asked. Bib shook his head negatively.
"Nee Jabba no badda. Me chaade su goodie" Fortuna replied, holding out his hand toward Artoo but the tiny droid backed up a bit, letting out a protesting array of squeaks. Threepio turned to the strange-looking alien.
"He says that our instructions are to give it only to Jabba himself" Threepio translated. Fortuna paused.
"I'm terribly sorry" Threepio apologized. "I'm afraid he's ever so stubborn about these sort of things" Fortuna gestured for the droids to follow him.
"Nudd Chaa" He replied. The droids followed the tall, tentacled alien into the darkness, trailed by the two guards.
"Artoo, I have a bad feeling about this" Threepio whispered, but the smaller droid beeped back reassuringly.
The throne room was filled with the vilest, most grotesque creatures ever conceived in the universe. Artoo and Threepio seemed very small as they paused in the doorway to the dimly lit chamber. Light shafts partially illuminated the drunken courtiers as Bib Fortuna crossed the room to the platform upon which rested the leader of this nauseating crowd: Jabba the Hutt. Chained to the horrible creature was the beautiful alien female dancer named Oola. At the foot of the dais sat an obnoxious birdlike creature, Salacious Crumb. Bib whispered something in the slobbering degenerate's ear. Jabba laughed horribly, at the two terrified droids before him. Threepio bowed politely.
"Good morning" He said.
"Bo Shuda!" Jabba replied. The robots jumped forward to stand before the repulsive, loose-skinned villain.
"The message, Artoo, the message" Threepio urged. Artoo whistled, and a beam of light projected from his domed head, creating a hologram of Luke on the floor. The image grew to over ten feet tall, and the young Jedi towered over the space gangsters.
"Greetings, Exalted One. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and friend to Captain Solo. I know that you are powerful, mighty Jabba, and that your anger with Solo must be equally powerful. I seek an audience with Your Greatness to bargain for Solo's life" At this, the crowd laughed. Luke continued. "With your wisdom, I'm sure that we can work out an arrangement which will be mutually beneficial and enable us to avoid any unpleasant confrontation. As a token of my goodwill, I present to you a gift: these two droids" Threepio was startled.
"What did he say?" Threepio hissed to Artoo.
"... Both are hardworking and will serve you well" Luke finished. The Hologram dissapeared.
"This can't be! Artoo, you played the wrong message" Threepio snapped.
Jabba laughsedwhile Bib spoke to him in Huttese. He replied in Huttese.
"There will be no bargain"
"We're doomed" Threepio groaned.
"I will not give up my favorite decoration. I like Captain Solo where he is" Jabba replied, once again in Huttese. He laughed hideously and looked toward an alcove beside the throne. Hanging high, flat against the wall, was a carbonized Han Solo.
"Artoo, look! Captain Solo. And he's still frozen in carbonite" Threepio said fearfully.
One of Jabba's Gamorrean guards marched Artoo and Threepio down a dank, shadowy passageway lined with holding cells. The cries of unspeakable creatures bounced off the cold stone walls. Occasionally a repulsive arm or tentacle grabbed through the bars at the hapless droids. Artoo beeped pitifully.
"What could possibly have come over Master Luke. Is it something I did? He never expressed any unhappiness with my work. Oh! Oh! Hold it! Ohh!" Threepio was saying as a large tentacle wrapped around Threepio's neck. He managed to break free, and they moved on to a door at the end of the corridor.
The door slid open, revealing a room filled with steam and noisy machinery. The guard motioned them into the boiler room, where they were met by a tall, thin humanlike robot named EV-9D9. Behind the robot was a torture rack pulling the legs off a screaming baby work droid. A second power droid was upside down. As smoking branding irons are pressed into his feet, the stubby robot let out an agonized electronic scream. Artoo and Threepio cringed as the guard grunts to EV-9D9.
"Ah, good. New acquisitions. You are a protocol droid, are you not?" Ninedenine asked Threepio.
"I am See-Threepio, human-cy..." Threepio began but the other droid cut him off.
"Yes or no will do" Ninedenine snapped.
"Oh. Well, yes" Threepio replied, flustered.
"How many languages do you speak?" Ninedenine asked.
"I am fluent in over six million forms of communication, and can readily..." Once again he was cut off.
"Splendid!" Ninedenine said happily. "We have been without an interpreter since our master got angry with our last protocol droid and disintegrated him"
"Disintegrated?" Threepio asked fearfully. Nonedenine ignored him and turned to the guard.
"Guard! This protocol droid might be useful. Fit him with a restraining bolt and take him back to His Excellency's main audience chamber" He commanded. The guard shoved Threepio toward the door.
"Artoo, don't leave me! Ohhh!" Threepio cried. Artoo let out a plaintive cry as the door closes. Then he beeped angrily.
"You're a feisty little one, but you'll soon learn some respect. I have need for you on the master's Sail Barge. And I think you'll fit in nicely" Ninedenine told the smaller droid. Artoo would have rolled his eyes if he had any.
Luke and his crew was waiting back at the ship when they heard from Lando.
"Jabba is keeping the droids, but refuses to release Han" Lando told them. Luke frowned.
"It's time for Plan B" He said. Leia slid off the table.
"That's our cue Chewie" She said. "Let's go"