A Jeff Hardy Production

"I want to make a movie," Jeff announced suddenly.

Hunter looked up from his magazine. "What, you mean like a porno?"

Jeff rolled his eyes. "No you idiot. I want to make an actual movie. I have a camera, a script--"

"You just randomly keep scripts in your pocket?"

"No, I don't Mr. Smart Ass. I have one because I wrote it last night. It's about a young prince named Prince Nut Cracker--"

"Jeff, that is the stupidest name ever."

"Shut up! You're stupid! Anyway, Prince Nut Cracker falls in love with Princess Pussy Willow--Hunter quit laughing! I'm trying to be serious here."

"Really?" Hunter snorted. "You have a funny way of showing it."

Jeff sighed. "I'm just going to ignore you now." He smoothed out the wrinkles in his script. "As I was saying, Prince Nut Cracker falls in love with Princess Pussy Willow but her father, King Grapefruits and her brother, Sir Tallywacker don't approve of this love."

"Where did you come up with these names? Seriously, this sounds like you were watching some crappy medieval porno when you were writing this."

"So King Grapefruits and Sir Tallywacker have the evil witch Cruella Dyke kidnap poor Princess Pussy Willow and keep her in her evil lair of doom. So Prince Nut Cracker gets his friends Sir Pimp Slap and Jack Ass to help him rescue the princess. But soon they find out that Cruella Dyke's lair is being guarded by angry, man hating lesbians!"

"Hold on a second," Hunter interrupted. "I like lesbians. Why do the lesbians have to be the bad guys?"

"It's just the man hating lesbians that are the bad guys here. After losing the first fight against the angry lesbians, Prince Nut Cracker and his friends enlist the help of Queen Fire Crotch and her army of good lesbians to help them on their quest. At the end, there's a big battle and good triumphs over evil and everyone lives happily ever after."

Hunter sighed. "Jeff, you can make this movie if you want, but I want no part of this train wreck."

XXX

2 hours later

"Jeff!" Hunter whined as he fidgeted in his prince costume. "I said I wanted no part of this train wreck!"

"It's not a train wreck, it's my movie," Jeff replied. "Now quit whining. Everyone else already agreed to do this. Alright people, lights, camera, action!" He waited a few minutes before starting his narration. "Once upon a time, a really long fucking time ago, there was the brave and noble Prince Nut Cracker."

"Oh Jesus," Hunter muttered. He raised his toy sword up in the air. "I am the brave and noble Prince Nut Cracker! I am awesome and I fucking hate you Jeff!"

"I hate you too," Jeff snapped. "Now one day, Prince Nut Cracker met the beautiful Princess Pussy Willow."

Stephanie came into the room wearing a bra, a short skirt and high heels. "Oh I am Princess Pussy Willow and I am so lonely," she said, sounding positively bored. "I wish had somebody to love me."

Hunter stared at his wife in shock. "Jeff! You made my wife look like a hooker!"

"I know," Jeff said with a laugh. "It's awesome. Now say your line. You're ruining the flow of my movie."

Hunter rolled his eyes. "Oh Princess Pussy Willow, I am falling in love with you because Jeff Hardy is insane and that is what his stupid script is telling me to do."

"Hey that last part is not in the script!" Jeff objected.

Hunter continued like he hadn't heard him. "Oh Princess Pussy Willow, accept my hand in marriage and let me impregnate you with my cock that is the size of a--"

"HEY!" Jeff yelled. "THAT IS NOT IN THE SCRIPT HUNTER!"

Laughing, Stephanie put her hands over her chest. "Oh Prince Nut Cracker, I wish I could do that. But my father, King Grapefruits and my brother, Sir Tallywacker will never allow it."

"We'll see about that! Your family will accept our love or I'll squish your father's grapefruits and whack your brother's tally! Or tally his wacker. You know, which ever one works out better." Hunter stopped and looked at Jeff. "How could you write this crap?"

Jeff ignored him. "So Prince Nut Cracker went to go talk to King Grapefruits and Sir Tallywacker."

Hunter went in the door that said KING GRAPEFRUITS LIVES HERE. Inside the room were Vince and Shane McMahon. "Prince Nut Cracker!" Vince boomed out. He had a ridiculously large crown on his head. "How dare you enter my castle without permission! I will strike you down with my grapefruit size testicles!"

Hunter stared at his father in law in shock. "How in the hell did Jeff get you to do this?"

Shane looked exasperated. "Jeff offered him a chance to talk about his testicles on camera. There was no way he could pass this up. Why he dragged me into this I have no idea."

Vince poked Hunter in the chest. "Listen you, I don't give a damn whether or not my daughter loves you. You're going to stay away from her, you understand?"

Hunter rolled his eyes and decked Vince. "This is so stupid," he muttered as he left Vince's office.

"Our hero thought that settled the matter," Jeff narrated dramatically. "But King Grapefruits wasn't going to let go of his daughter so easily. He quickly convinced the evil witch Cruella Dyke and her army of angry, man hating lesbians to kidnap his daughter so Prince Nut Cracker couldn't have her."

Matt (dressed in a witch's costume) came in with the army of lesbians. In reality though, the lesbians were just Santino Marella, Kenny Dykstra, The Miz, The Great Khali and Charlie Haas dressed in drag.

"Jeff, what the hell?" Matt whined. "Why do I have to play the witch?"

"Quit your whining Matt Hardy!" Santino snapped. "I want to ask your Skittle haired brother why he made me dress up as a woman!"

"Because we all know who the real man is in your relationship with Beth," Stephanie said with a laugh.

"Enough of this nonsense!" Jeff exclaimed. "Lesbians, kidnap Princess Pussy Willow! Matt, hit Hunter with that chair I gave you!"

"Wait, what?" Hunter said in confusion.

Matt whacked Hunter with a chair as the lesbians carried Stephanie away. "Beaten, but not broken, Prince Nut Cracker vowed to get his girlfriend back." Jeff paused for several minutes. "Hunter, you're supposed to get up and make that vow."

Hunter groaned. "I think he busted me open."

"I don't care what he did. You get up right now and make that vow."

"How about I vow to kick your ass?"

"Oh you are such a baby! Anyway, Prince Nut Cracker enlisted the help of his friends Sir Pimp Slap and Jack Ass to help him on his quest.

Shawn, wearing a name tag that said Sir Pimp Slap and Chris Jericho, wearing a donkey costume, came and helped Hunter up. "Hey Nut Cracker!" Shawn said happily. "Guess what?"

"What?"

Shawn slapped Hunter across the face. "I'M SIR PIMP SLAP BITCH!!"

"Knock it off Pimp Slap," Chris ordered. "We have to save Prince Nut Sack's girl so I can get to my Halloween party."

"First of all, it's Prince Nut Cracker," Hunter corrected. "Second of all, you look retarded in that costume."

"The three friends went to Cruella Dyke's lair of doom, but they found something that was worse than death."

Hunter, Shawn and Chris walked out towards the ring. They could see that Matt had Stephanie tied up to the chair in the middle of the ring. Outside the ring, the "man hating lesbians" were all watching The View.

"Oh God my eyes!" Shawn screamed.

"We can't fight these odds!" Chris yelled. "Forget your girlfriend Nut Sack! She's not worth it!"

"My name is Nut Cracker bitch!" Hunter yelled as he slapped Jericho across the face. "And don't worry. I know what to do."

The three of them went back to the girl's locker room. "Where's Queen Fire Crotch?" Hunter asked. "We need her help."

Lita stepped out of the shadows, followed by the rest of the WWE divas. "I am Queen Fire Crotch," she announced. "What the hell do you want?"

"We need help getting Princess Pussy Willow back," Hunter explained. "That way we can end this unholy Jeff Hardy production."

Lita nodded. "We can do that."

Jeff grinned. "So our heroes went out and prepared themselves for the ultimate battle between good and evil."

Lita led the divas out of the ring and got rid of the angry "man hating" lesbians. Hunter, Shawn and Jericho rushed to the ring and beat up Matt and untied Stephanie.

"Thank God," Stephanie said. "We can finally be done with this movie."

"Hold on Stephanie," Jeff interrupted. "I've decided this movie needs a little sex. So everybody take off your clothes, you're having an orgy!"

Everybody stared at him for a long moment. Nobody knew what to say. Finally Hunter rolled up his sleeves. "That's it Jeff. I've had enough. You're going to get your ass kicked."

"Not if you don't catch me!" Jeff exclaimed. He laughed crazily and ran away.

Hunter sighed. "Well that takes care of our problem. Anyone hungry? I could eat a horse."