G is for Guilt
My entry for "G" of the A-Z Primeval FanFic Challenge
Who? Abby (and unconscious Connor)
When? Set after the events of "Fear"
Abby holds on tightly to Connor's limp fingers as she rides with him in the ambulance. She's shaking and the paramedics, thinking it's from the cold, have put a blanket around her shoulders. She's jolted from side to side as the vehicle races through the streets of London, a blur of angry sirens and flashing lights, but still she holds on.
She's not felt like this since he fell out of that stupid tree in the stupid Cretaceous: that acute, almost painful, tug of love and fear at the same time. When her instinct is to stay by his side, instead of to run, run, run, like she's been doing her whole life. Now, she'll only run if he's running beside her and she can't believe she's become that corny. It makes her feel oddly vulnerable.
The ambulance swerves and she grips the trolley for support. Connor's body, strapped down tightly, doesn't even register the motion. His face is pale beneath the black streaks of soot from the fire. There's blood on his forehead and on his chin, a gash on his cheek that she can't seem to look away from. His knuckles are blackened too and as she traces the contours of them, dried blood flakes off on her fingertips.
Suddenly, along with the love and the fear, there's now a new tug: one of guilt.
If they'd not argued that morning, maybe he would have come to work with her, instead of rushing off to that secret lab. If she'd been more supportive, maybe he'd have confided in her.
Her instincts have never let her down. She should have trusted them. He'd said that morning that Philip wanted him to work late and when he couldn't tell her why, things hadn't felt right. Something hadn't quite added up.
If she'd known only twelve hours later she would be riding in an ambulance with him unconscious beside her, she would have done anything in her power to stop him going.
She'd been moody and argumentative; inattentive and distracted. She'd taken him for granted. She'd snapped when he'd only tried to help. She'd shrugged off his affections and mocked his enthusiasm.
All in all, she hadn't treated him right and hadn't been the girl he deserved.
The tears begin to fall and she's crying again, which she never used to do before that year in the past that changed them both so much.
Things would change again now, after this. One way or another. Determination rises fiercely inside of her and she leans closer to him, despite her unsteady position, and grips his hand tightly in both of hers.
She cannot, will not, lose him.
"Come on, Connor. Wake up," she begs, "Please. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
He doesn't reply and he doesn't wake up. The tears fall silently into her lap.
All of a sudden, the ambulance comes to a stop. Doors bang and open behind her. In a flurry of activity, the paramedics and hospital staff are helping her out and she watches as they transfer Connor's trolley to the ground.
Then they're pacing through the emergency room and she's matching their strides. She won't let him out of her sight, but, reaching a wide set of double doors, they push him through and he disappears from view. She goes to follow but is met with an authoritative hand. She's not allowed in there, they say, please wait here.
They leave her and she stands in the waiting room: a lonely figure in a crowd. She can't feel her feet, it's like she's floating. Everything is in slow motion and her body isn't her own. Determination starts to ebb away and the fear and the guilt are back.
She digs her hands deep into her pockets, like that will ground her somehow, but her fingers curl around something cold and smooth. Retrieving it, she finds a gold ring lying in her palm, the chord falling between her fingers. The paramedics had given it to her when they fitted the neck brace.
She'd forgotten and now, seeing it, she lets out a sob and begins to crumble. As her knees buckle, two sets of arms reach out just in time to catch her.
To be continued…
A/N: Like "Fear" this was written prior to Series 5. It was discussed on the Primeval Proboards that what we really needed for Series 5 was a "Connor's-life-hangs-in-the-balance" moment for Abby to snap out of her mood and realise how lucky she is. So that's pretty much where this short fic came from (and, as it turns out, what we got quite a few times during Series 5 itself!) It also bridges that gap between my fanfics "Fear" and "Hospital"