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I'm Movin' On

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on -Rascal Flatts

...

Charming

Clay stood at the window smoking his stogy and wondering how things had turned out like they did. He knew reversing an exile would be trcky, but he didn't count on the amount of hurt that still hung around the heads of his men. He also didn't count on his Intelligence Officer still harboring resentment. As he contemplated the vote there was a cough behind him and he turned around to see Juice holding some papers in his hands.

"I did some thinking. Jax was right. Milla never would've believed the mick over me. He had to have somethin' on her to get her to switch up like that." Juice rubbed his hand over his face and Clay looked over at him.

"What are you sayin' Juicy?" He turned and Juice put the papers on the Redwood.

"I'm saying that if you bring this back to vote I won't "nay"." Clay nodded and Juice turned and walked out of the chapel, still hurting but now a bit of guilt sagged his shoulders.

Clay turned back to the window. He'd bring it up for vote again on Friday and hopefully Jax would be able to lobby with Piney and Chibs. Now that Juice was voting for the reversal the other two needed convincing.

…

Belfast

Milla stood at the counter with her orange juice and watched her son in his booster seat. She'd fed him breakfast and now he was scribbling all over the coloring book his Auntie Trinny had given him. She smiled; he was worth all this shit.

"Mama, color." Little Clay said as he pointed a crayon in her direction and she smiled wider.

"Ok baby." She said quietly, but before she went to her son she went to the freezer and took out her bottle of vodka. Her orange juice was missing a vital component.

"Havin' a liquid breakfast are ya?" She jumped, startled, but composed herself quickly and screwed the cap back on the vodka and put it back in the freezer without pouring any.

"I was…How was the trip?" She asked her husband with false civility. She didn't give a damn about his trip or about him anymore.

"How do you t'ink?" He asked snidely before he walked to his son and kissed his cheek. "Where's Cormac?"

"He went to the store. We're out of coffee. Want me to make you breakfast?" She asked as she took out a skillet and he eyed her warily.

"Can't, I've got ta meet with Jimmy." He kissed his son's cheek again before he walked up to his wife and brought his mouth to her ear. "Next time ya give yer man an alibi, make sure he's outta the shower an' his coat isn't hangin in the entryway."

He kissed her cheek and walked back out the door he'd come in while Milla gripped the counter. Once she was done with her minor panic attack she walked to the freezer and took out the vodka and was going to pour it in her orange juice until she looked at her son.

"Mama's doing this for you baby. She's not gonna let your Da get the upper hand." She undid the top of the bottle and poured the contents down the drain and felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She'd need a clear head if she wanted to stay ahead of Keegan. The coat was an oversight she never should have made.

…

Charming

Jax watched Chibs as the Scotsman wiped grease off his hands. Ever since church had ended his brother had been working nonstop. It was like he was a shark and had to "keep swimming". Jax got that, understood it, but what he didn't get was his brother's "nay" vote. He knew that Chibs loved his sister like a daughter, went out of his way to defend and protect her but now he wasn't willing to overlook his hurt to bring her home. Deciding that it was time to investigate Jax took a cigarette out of his pack, and lit it as he walked to Chibs.

"I ain't votin' "yay" brother so you'd be better off if ya kept walkin." Chibs took out a pan full of spark plugs and picked up the newest looking one.

"Just tell me why." Jax leaned against the workbench and Chibs wiped some imaginary dirt off the plug.

"Two reasons Jackie-boy. One, she chose them. I know the McBastard threatened the boy but we coulda helped her. We coulda used our connections to keep them here and safe. Keegan an' Jimmy wouldn't have been able ta touch them. Two, my little girl was riskin' herself to let us know and maybe Milla manipulated her inta doin it. She's Gemma's girl, I wouldn't put it past 'er." He put the spark plug back and Jax took a drag.

"You had us when Jimmy threatened Fiona and Kerri. You could've brought them here to be protected." Jax knew it was a low blow but he had to show Chibs just where his argument turned hypocritical.

"It's not the same thing brother. Not the same bloody thing at all. Milla coulda come to us; we coulda talked to the council." Chibs was insistent.

"You're forgetting something important Chibs. Milla didn't have the luxury of time. She had to decide quickly and made the only decision she could in the time she had. By the time she could've realized that she had options she was already exiled and in Belfast. There was no going back." He took another drag of his cigarette and Chibs looked at the ground.

"Did she call ya? Beggin and pleadin and apologizing?" Chibs stared at his hands and Jax nodded.

"Yeah, I think she called everyone." Jax looked at Chibs again and Chibs sighed.

"I wanted ta call back each time, tell her we love her and want her home but I didn't. Then she stopped callin'. I accepted it; she wasn't gonna be my Tiny again." He took a deep breath. "Now she could be comin' back? I don't know Jackie boy. If she's changed that much do we want her back?"

"She's my sister; I never wanted her to leave in the first place. Only reason I voted for the exile was because I thought it would be a temporary thing. Never dreamed it would go this long. You still think she put Kerri up to it, that she's fucking with us?" Jax could see the misery on his friend's face but pressed on. "You think she's working for the IRA now?"

"I never thought that Jackie. I know my Kerri would know better than to risk herself fer somethin' stupid. She really wants Milla back here…I want her back." Chibs stood up from his seat by the bench and clapped Jax on the back. "This comes ta vote again I'll vote "yay". I'll talk ta Juicy too, see where his head's at now."

Jax nodded as he watched his brother walk away. One down and two to go, then he'd have his sister back and things would finally feel right again.

…

Belfast

"He's had the sniffles today, but otherwise he's fine." Milla told Fiona as she passed her son to the older woman.

"How 'bout you lovey? You fine?" Fiona asked as she looked at the young woman. For the first time in a long time Milla wasn't hung over as she dropped off her son. In fact her eyes were clear, her color pale but without the flush of drink and her smile genuine.

"Better than I've been in a long time. I realized today that I was hurting myself and wanted to hurt myself, but as I was doing that I was hurting Little Clay. He needs at least one parent that can keep their shit together. He needs me." Milla held her head high and Fiona leaned down to kiss her cheek.

"I'm glad ta have ya back lovey." She smiled before she balanced Little Clay on her hip again. "Kerri an' I are goin' ta mass later. Want ta' come?"

"I may be changing for the better, but I'm not changing that much. I'll pick him up again when my shift is done at four. If anything happens call me." Fiona nodded in understanding. By "anything" she meant Keegan. The man was a loose cannon and had been one since Annie had died in a bomb meant for Milla. They had targeted Keegan's woman, at least that's what the message said, but some wrong information had led them to Annie. The theory was that someone inside had fed them the wrong information and Keegan thought it was Milla but no one could be sure. All they knew was that Milla had an alibi and Keegan's mistress and child were dead. That knowledge was slowly driving Keegan mad.

"Ya know ya can count on me. Go ta work, we'll see ya later." Milla leaned over and kissed her son's cheek before she stood taller to do the same to Fi.

"Thank you Fi, for everything." With that Milla walked out of the house and Fiona looked at Little Clay.

"Let's go get yer colorin' book. Show me what ya' can do." The little boy laughed then hugged Fiona.

…

"Thank you and have a lovely day!" Milla said in a chipper tone and the old man gave her a smile in thanks.

"Wha's got you so happy? Keegan fall down a well?" Maureen asked as she stood next to the young woman and moved to hand her her flask. Ever since Milla had accepted that life was nothing but misery and disappointment the two women had started to bond, though the word friend would never be used in relation to them.

"Wan' a nip, McGee got me some good stuff." Milla shook her head and got her bottle of Irn Bru out from under the counter.

"Naw, I'm trying to cut back, maybe stop completely. I may be miserable but my boy needs me." She sipped her drink and Maureen blinked at her. Stop completely? The daft little bitch didn't realize that she'd need it more in times to come. She was just making things harder on herself.

"Do wha' ya need ta do. Jus' remember tha' things are jut gonna get harder. There're no easy paths in this life." Milla looked contemplatively at the flask then looked at Maureen.

"Nothing's easy, but I want my son to have good memories of his Mama. I don't want all his memories of me to be of a drunk bitch stumbling around and picking fights. He deserves better than that." Milla put her bottle back under the counter and moved out from behind it. "I'm going on my break now. I'll be down in fifteen minutes."

Maureen just nodded and watched the girl disappear up the stairs before she looked at the flask in her hand. As she thought about Milla's words she put the flask in the cubby under the counter and stared at her hands, shaking from lack of alcohol in her system. Were those the memories her Trinny had? The bell above the door rang and Maureen composed herself. She had a customer to serve.

…

Charming

Juice sat on the picnic table staring at nothing. He'd spent so long hurting and hating that now he was numb. It was the only safe thing to feel now. Now that he knew the truth there was no way he could stay angry at Milla and that anger was the only thing that had kept him in check for the last year and a half. That anger had been the thing that forced him to move on. As if sensing his thoughts his cell vibrated in his pocket and he took it out, the text announcement was flashing on the screen.

Love U! Be at T-M in a few!

He cursed, he definitely didn't need to see her now. He had far too much thinking to do and seeing her would throw him off. Just as he was going to tell her to go home, her Bug pulled into the lot and he cursed again.

"Baby!" She yelled as soon as she got out of the car and he looked at this woman who was his. Her dark hair, tiny body and cheekbones all eerily reminiscent of the woman he'd spent eighteen months trying to forget.

"Hey babe." He said quietly as he took her into his arms an ran a hand down her back, resting it on the mark she'd had inked in her lower back, his name in cursive. He hadn't lied to Keegan in that long ago conversation. Only one woman would have his crow.