I own nothing you recognize. All original characters and storylines are my own.
Hand of Sorrow
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He's torn between his honor and the true love of his life
He prayed for both but was denied
...
So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed
Was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind
So many years have past, who are the noble and the wise?
Will all our sins be justified?
...
Please forgive me for the sorrow
For leaving you in fear
For the dreams we had to silence
That's all they'll ever be
Still I'll be the hand that serves you
Though you'll not see that it is me
...
So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed
Was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind
So many years have past, who are the noble and the wise?
Will all our sins be justified? - Within Temptation
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...
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Belfast
Milla couldn't seem to catch her breath as the sobs kept coming. All her pain, all her anguish, all the fear that she'd accumulated over the last year and a half burst out. It was like her body was ejecting the bad to make room for the raw, almost soul-crushing joy her mother's words had awoken in her. She could go home...
"Don't cry baby." Milla would've laughed if she wasn't so busy crying. Her mother could be such a hypocrite sometimes, telling Milla not to cry when her own voice was thick.
"Ma-" she started but as soon as the word began a fresh round of sobs erupted from her lips. She'd heard that joy could bring you to your knees as well as sorrow could but this was ridiculous. As she continued to cry she heard her mother's breath exhale shakily and then there was some rustling.
"Stop crying." At the sound of her dad's voice Milla's years of conditioning kicked in and her sobs stifled as the tears began to pour with less abandon. Slowly she started to calm down and eventually all she was left with were the sniffles as she attempted to find her voice again.
"How?" She asked and Clay smiled to himself, happy she found her voice again.
"We got information from a reliable source, found out you were forced into your decision. You shoulda come to us Milla, before this spiraled out of control." Clay admonished and despite her joy Milla found herself scoffing.
"When? In only about an hour I was condemned. Judged and deemed untrustworthy. I didn't even have time to react, let alone defend myself. No, I couldn't have come to you." The last was said so quietly that Clay could barely hear it and he felt a stab in his heart. She was right, they didn't give her time. As soon as Juice hobbled into the chapel things went quickly.
"We did what we had to do to keep the club whole." At those words Milla sighed before she rubbed her forehead in an attempt to get rid of the headache that was gradually getting worse. That was as close to an apology as she was going to get from her father and she accepted it, besides she had her own apologies to make.
"What now?" She asked as she unfolded her legs and stretched them out in front of her. They said they wanted her home, but that wasn't good enough. There were steps that needed to be taken.
"We take things slow, go to SAMBEL first. Let them know you're welcome with the Club again, go to the Real IRA, give them the same info. We'll also take care of your prick of a husband, let him know his threats are shit. He can't hurt ya or your boy anymore babygirl." Clay assured her and Milla felt a weight lift off her chest. They'd take care of Keegan, she hoped this time they'd finish what they started. Milla heard some noises coming from the monitor she had set up in the kitchen, Little Clay was awake and that meant she had to get him up and ready.
"I have to go Daddy. Little Clay's waking up and I have to make him breakfast." She said sadly, she wished she could talk to them far longer than she had. There was so much to say.
"Go take care of your boy baby. Let him know that his Grandma and Grandpa love him." Clay felt a tug at his heart when he thought about all he'd missed in the little boy's life, a little boy who shared his name and his blood.
"He knows, we go through pictures all the time. He has the picture of his first Harley ride on the wall over his bed. I couldn't bear to part with it. No matter what you thought of me, I was never going to let your grandson hate you." She felt another tear slip and wiped it away as the sounds got louder from the nursery.
"Mama!" Little Clay cried out and Mlla forced her, now stiff, legs to cooperate.
"He's calling me, I really have to go." Clay could hear the disappointment and fear in his daughter's voice, he knew she was afraid to hangup.
"Go take care of our grandson angel. Your Ma will call back tomorrow to see about bringin' you home for a few days, then maybe we can talk about something more long term. I love you." Clay looked at Gemma who was trying to stop the tears that were rolling down her face. After a few seconds she managed to compose herself enough to speak again.
"I love you baby. Give Little Clay a kiss from me and I'll call you tomorrow. Now that I have you back do you think I'll give you up without a fight?" Gemma asked and Milla laughed softly on the other end.
"I love you and I'll let your grandson know you love him too. I'll talk to you later." They heard a high-pitched shriek and Milla hung up. Neither of them missed the way she didn't say "goodbye".
"Well Mamabear, what do you wanna do now?" Clay asked and Gemma crossed the short distance and sat on his lap as he grinned. The night was shaping up to be good all around.
…
"The wheels on the bus go round and round." Milla sang to Little Clay as he spun the wheels on his school bus and laughed. For the first time in forever she was completely happy. She was playing with her son, she had her family back and the drunk was on an errand for Jimmy. All she needed was Juice sitting at her side and her life would be complete.
She played with Little Clay until he got sleepy and once she set him down for his nap she started up her computer. She'd kept a little money from her job in an account Keegan couldn't touch so she was going to see how far it would stretch for two tickets to Charming...one way. She soon became engrossed with the search for airfare, so engrossed that she didn't hear the door open or footsteps crossing the floor.
"What're ya lookin at?" She nearly jumped to the ceiling as she heard Keegan's voice over her shoulder. She quickly shut her browser, but not quick enough. He'd seen the site. "Travel huh? You plannin a holiday without me? Naw, yer plannin an escape."
He grabbed her and hauled her out of her chair before he walked her to the wall and blocked her escape. Once he had her pinned he looked at the woman who used to fill his blood with fire. The woman he used to love. Now he hated her. He knew she never loved him, she may have thought she did but he never saw it, she'd always loved the tattooed freak. But more than that, he knew she was the reason his Annie was dead. She may not have done anything directly but she was a Morrow, they were masters of backroom deals and he was sure she'd made one to get rid of her rival.
"Where're ya escapin' too. Ya can't go home, ta Charmin', nowhere else ta go when I report my boy kidnapped." He slammed her against the wall and she just stared at him, the usual fear gone and replaced with confidence she hadn't had for a long time.
"You about done. I have lunch to make." He stared at her and squeezed her arms hard enough to get a small squeak of pain from her.
"Answer me, where were ya runnin' off to?" He yelled the last and Milla smirked, that goddamn smirk that reminded him of her harpy mother.
"You were wrong...I can go home." She said it softly and he felt fear grip him. If she was allowed home he couldn't stop her from going. He knew Jimmy pressed for an end to hostilities and he couldn't keep her there. "What's wrong love?"
She sneered at him and he lost control. He let go of one arm and backhanded her. She had no right to talk to him like that. No right at all.
"You listen ta me ya whore, yer not goin' ta Charmin', yer not takin my son anywhere. I don't give a damn what Jimmy says." He leaned in close and whispered in her ear. "I'll kill ya before I let that happen."
He let go and walked back out the door. He needed a drink and the pub was calling his name. As soon as he was out the door Milla sank to the floor and took deep breaths, her face hurt but she wasn't going to cry, she was done crying for him. Once she had calmed down sufficiently she went to the freezer and took out a bag of peas. If she learned anything from being around crow eaters all those years it was that nothing took care of a backhand better than frozen peas.
…
Charming
Juice sat on the bed and lit a cigarette as he heard Nessa going through his cupboards. After church he'd had an epiphany that had resulted in him showing up on Nessa's doorstep and taking her on a trip around town on the back of his bike before they went to his house for a reunion of sorts. He'd told her to give him a few days and she'd done just that. She'd proven to him that she understood him and was willing to learn the life. She'd proven that she was his and that was the epiphany he'd come to as he happened upon some pics taken at his birthday party at the clubhouse. Nessa was with him...Milla wasn't and she never would be. He'd just have to let her go.
As he puffed on his newly lit cigarette he laid himself back on the pillows, relaxing before he'd get up for the breakfast his woman was making. He'd have to talk to Hap soon, she deserved the crow. He was contemplating the design when he heard his personal cell ring. Curiousity got the better of him and he sucked in a breath when he saw the name on the other end "Rafferty". Shit, he was not equipped to deal with her now, but he couldn't ignore her. Despite his epiphany, he knew he'd be drawn to her he couldn't always ignore the pull.
"Yo." He said noncommittally, no need to act excited. Even if his heart was beating out of his chest.
"Hi." She said shyly and he closed his eyes, he had to be strong. He wouldn't be her bitch again.
"What do you want? I'm kind of busy here." He said it abruptly and instantly felt like an ass as he heard her suck in a breath.
"I'm sorry to do this, I know you've probably moved on, gotten an old lady but I needed to hear your voice. I needed...need...I need you Juice. I've always needed you." He could hear her voice get thick and it took everything in him not to confess the same to her.
"If you come back things can't be the same Milla. It can't be like it was before. I can't be who I was before. You being back won't change anything now." He forced the words out, not completely sure if he meant them.
"What's her name? I'd like to know the name of the woman who's pushed me out of your heart. It's the only reason...the only..." Her voice was thicker than before and he could imagine the tears rolling down her face.
"Her name's Vanessa and she's great. She does as she's told, is great in bed and respects me. She also trusts and believes in me." He added the last as an afterthought, no reason he couldn't air a grievance or two.
"I believed you Juice. Keegan's an idiot, but he knows how I feel about you. He knows you're smart enough to see through his shit. I'm so sorry Juice, so fucking sorry. I wanted nothing more than to build a ife with you and my son. Please believe me. I know I have no right to ask for this but please."She begged him and he knew that she believed him, she wanted to be with him as much as he wanted her. He took a deep breath and fought his emotions. He couldn't be that pussy whipped bastard. He'd survived this long without her and now his life was Milla free, it had to stay that way, the alternative hurt too much. He'd thought that he needed her, now he realized he needed to distance himself from her. For his sanity and hers.
"Fine, you believed me, you were in a tough spot. I get it. That shit's all forgiven. Now things are different. I have a woman, I have a life and I'm gonna live it. I hope you come back for your Dad's sake but as far as I'm concerned your just any other bitch. It's just the way this has to be." He laid it out for her as cleanly as he could, now he'd just have to see if he felt that way when he laid eyes on her again.
"I get it, and I accept it. Do whatever you need to do. Just know this. I've loved you since the first time you smiled at me. My biggest regret is not kissing you the night of your Patch party. I dream sometimes that Little Clay is yours and have since I found out I was pregnant. You're it for me Juice and I'm so sorry it took so long to figure it out. Maybe things could have been different if I wasn't so stupid. Maybe we could've been happy." She said the last in a whisper and Juice felt his resolve start to crumble. She'd just said the words he'd always wanted to hear, he needed to say them back, to apologize but she cut him off before he could speak. "I love you Juice and I hope you're happy because you deserve so much from life. Stay safe and just know that I'm sorry for the hell I've put you through. I really do love you."
She hung up and Juice pulled the phone from his ear and stared at it. She loved him and wanted him happy. Why didn't this happen years ago? Why couldn't things work out the right way for once? With a shake of his head he got out of bed and threw on his boxers. He had to get Milla out of his head. With a deep breath he walked downstairs and smiled at Nessa as she made him breakfast. She was going to make a good old lady...someday...