Inside the Mind of an Enigma

"Hey guys look what I found," Matt said as he entered the locker room. He was holding a red notebook. "I found Jeff's journal."

Hunter snorted. "His journal? It looks more like a diary to me."

"It's not a diary dude, it's a journal." Matt pointed to the cover of the notebook. "Look, it even says "Jeff's journal" right here."

"Well what the hell is the difference between a journal and a diary?"

"Journals are for men and diaries are for girls," Shawn said.

Matt frowned. "Is that true?"

Shawn shrugged. "I don't know and I don't care. Let's just read what Jeff wrote."

January 1, 2009

It's the new year bitches! Wohoo! I celebrated all night with Matt, Shawn, Hunter, Shannon, Shane, Beth and Stephanie. Hunter was kind of a grouchy pants because I'm still WWE champion and he's not. All I've got to say about that is: HAHAHAHAHAHA! I rule and Hunter sucks!

Beth's been getting kind of mad at me because she thinks I'm paying more attention to the title than to her. I can't help it though. The title belt is all sparkly and it has a spinning thing in the middle. I told her that maybe if she got all sparkly and started spinning around, then I would pay more attention to her. That didn't go over so well and I'm probably sleeping on the couch tonight.

Oh and before I forget, I have to ask Shawn about the sexual tension between Randy and Hunter. It's so thick I could cut it with a knife. Actually, I did try to cut it with a knife and both Hunter and Randy ran away from me. Sometimes those two are really weird.

"I do not suck!" Hunter whined. He pouted his lips. "And there is no sexual tension between me and Orton!"

Matt shook his head. "I don't know Hunter. You two have quite the chemistry together."

January 2, 2009

I've learned today that some questions are better left unanswered. I asked Shawn about Hunter and Randy and it was quite disturbing. Apparently Stephanie was having erotic dreams about Hunter and Randy having sex and she told Hunter about them. And instead of being completely grossed out by this concept, Hunter and Randy actually did have sex for her! Then, to really top things off, she video taped it! She actually still has it, because that's how Shawn found out. She thought he would want to see it. The poor guy said he still has nightmares about it to this day.

Now I'm kind of nervous because I've seen Stephanie and Hunter eye me like I'm some sort of piece of meat. I better not get too drunk around them or I'm going to end up a victim of their sick love games. Hunter would totally do me in a heartbeat. I mean, who wouldn't? I am so totally fuckable.

Wait a minute! I've got a totally great idea! I've got to ask Beth if she would have hot lesbian sex with Stephanie. Now that would be freaking sweet.

Hunter glared at Shawn. "Why would you tell him about the Randy thing? Do you secretly hate me or something?"

Shawn shuddered. "Don't even bring that up. It makes me throw up a little in my mouth."

Matt looked at Hunter carefully. "Would you really fuck my brother?"

"Let's just look at the next entry," Hunter said quickly, totally avoiding the question.

January 3, 2009

Beth said she would not have sex with Stephanie unless I have sex with Hunter first. And I have to enjoy it. This really sucks. Now I must choose between two very important things: the well being of my ass, or the totally hot sight of my Beth going down on another hot chick.

January 4, 2009

I'm still considering my options on the Beth/Stephanie/me/Hunter sex thing. While I'm doing that, I've been working on my time machine. Time machines are awesome. I want to go back in time and stop Batman and Robin from being made. That was a totally awful movie and everybody involved with it should be shot for even participating in it. But I don't want to use a gun because they could take evidence from that. That's why I'm building my super secret death ray. It vaporizes people and turns them to pudding. I like pudding. Pudding is awesome. I should go eat some right now.

January 5, 2009

I only have one thing to say: biscuits and beaver nipples bitch! (Thank you Crazy Joe for that saying).

January 6, 2009

I talked to Randy about how sex with Hunter was like. At first he claimed he hated it, but I knew he was lying. So I kept bugging him until he admitted it was actually pretty good. Then I told him about what Beth would want if I wanted her to have sex with Stephanie. He said that the shame of being with Hunter would totally be worth seeing a Beth/Stephanie hook-up.

Speaking of girl on girl action, I saw Candice and Maria together today. We started talking and they totally admitted they thought it would be hot if they had a threesome with Matt. Then they admitted that it would also be hot if they had a threesome with me. And then we really got into a discussion about a foursome involving either us and Matt or us and Beth. I vote for us and Beth. I don't need involve my brother in my sex life. I doubt it'll be as hot as those fan fiction writers make it sound.

Beth just walked in and saw that I was sucking on a sucker. She asked me if I was practicing for Hunter. I told her to go practice for Stephanie and eat some tuna. I'm not sure if she took that as a yes or not.

Oh God, I think she did take that as a yes. She's calling Stephanie right now and they're giggling like idiots! It's not a good thing when girls giggle like idiots. Somebody help me! I've so totally screwed myself over here.

Shawn closed the journal and hid it as Jeff came into the room. The Rainbow Haired Warrior looked apprehensive. "Uh…Hunter?" he said slowly. "Beth and Stephanie want to meet us at the hotel."

Hunter sighed. "The things I do for love," he muttered as he grabbed his bags and left.

Matt shook his head. "I've got a mental picture of what those two are about to do and it's very disturbing. I think I might go find Candice and Maria and have myself a threesome."

Shawn sighed to himself as Matt left. "I'm surrounded by perverts," he said. He reopened the journal and looked at one entry in particular. "What does "biscuits and beaver nipples bitch" mean?"