Itchweeed!

"Oh we're off the to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!" Shawn sang very loudly (and very off key).

"No we're not," Hunter said in exasperation. "We're going to Matt's house. I told you this like a dozen times already."

"Well maybe I would rather go see the Wizard."

"Well too bad because he's not even real."

When they pulled into Matt's driveway, they saw Jeff standing in the yard. Only he was looking a little stranger than usual. He was wearing some kind of black hat that his braided hair was sticking out of, he had green paint by his eyes, his white long sleeved shirt had several rips in it and he had on some kind of weird vest thing. He was also holding a weed eater.

"What in the hell are you doing Jeff?" Hunter asked as he and Shawn got out of the car. "

Jeff didn't answer him. He started the weed eater up and started weed eating Matt's yard. Matt came out about two seconds later and he didn't look very happy. "Itchweeed! Quit fucking with my yard! There's nothing wrong with it!"

Itchweeed (Jeff) turned off the weed eater. "Look at it dog! Look at it! All these weeds just showed up today. Now get out of the way before I hit ya with all this shit." He turned the weed eater back on and started making loud sound effects as he started to weed eat the yard.

Hunter walked over to Matt. "What is going on with Jeff? Why are you calling him Itchweeed?"

"Because he's Itchweeed right now," Matt explained like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "There's Jeff and then there's Itchweeed."

Hunter stared at Matt like he was absolutely insane. "What the fuck have you people been smoking?"

While those two were talking, Shawn walked over to Itchweeed. "I want to see the Wizard," he said.

Itchweeed looked at him. "I knew a wizard once. It was back in the B.C. era man. He had a big ass castle and I was like "what the fuck are you going to do with all these rooms motha fucka?" And it turned out he had all these damn warlocks living in those rooms. I don't remember much after that because I got knocked on the head really hard."

Shawn stared at Itchweeed for several minutes. "I'm not going to lie, I'm really concerned about your mental health right now."

"Have you considered taking him to a psychiatrist or something?" Hunter asked Matt. "There comes a time and place you have to draw the line with him."

Matt shrugged. "I don't mind Itchweeed. It keeps Jeff out of my way, which is a nice change."

"Why are you talking like they're two separate people? Jeff IS Itchweeed. I have shared a sexual encounter with this man. I'm not going to forget who he is any time soon."

"First of all, don't bring that encounter up," Matt said. "Second of all…can you just go with me on this? Quit questioning Jeff's decision to be Itchweeed. Everybody else goes with it so you need to do it too."

Itchweeed leaned over to Shawn. "You want to see something that'll blow your mind? I brought it to Matt's back yard when he wasn't home. He still hasn't seen it."

"Okay," Shawn said slowly. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know, but Itchweeed was strangely fascinating so he agreed.

Itchweeed and Shawn went into the backyard. There was a giant bulldozer sitting there. "Oh no," Shawn muttered. "Matt is not going to be happy about this."

"You see this motha fucka dog? Do you know what this machine and me have in common?" Itchweeed asked.

"Uh….it's going to cause Matt to have stomach ulcers?" Shawn guessed.

Itchweeed laughed. "Well I'll give him the perfect cure for that. A big ass blunt, you know what I'm saying? They don't call me Itchweeed for nothing." He climbed up into the bulldozer. "Come on now, get in here and crank this shit up! I want to drive this like a motha fucka boy!"

"Matt is going to kill me," Shawn said to himself as he got in next to Itchweeed. He started the bulldozer up and looked at Itchweeed. Itchweeed started driving the bulldozer all around, tearing the shit up out of Matt's yard.

The noise from the bulldozer caused Matt and Hunter to run back and see what was happening. "What the fuck are you doing to my yard?" Matt shouted. "Knock that off right now!"

"We can't hear you man!" Itchweeed shouted back. He shoveled up a large pile of dirt and drove the bulldozer out of the backyard. Just when Shawn was starting to ask what in the hell he was doing, Itchweeed dumped all the dirt from the bulldozer on to Hunter's car.

Hunter and Matt ran back towards the front and saw what had happened. "Oh come on!" Hunter yelled. "What did my car ever do to you?"

Itchweeed turned off the bulldozer. "I am the king!" he shouted. "I'm the king of something man!"

Shawn got out of the bulldozer and walked over to Matt and Hunter. "I just want you two to know that I had no control of what just happened. It was all Itchweeed."

Hunter sighed and shook his head. He couldn't tear his eyes away from his dirt covered car. "I don't know why I put up with all this. Why am I friends with you people?"

"I ask myself the same question all the time," Matt said. "And I still don't have an answer." The three of them turned around and went into the house, leaving Itchweeed alone to do whatever it was he wanted to do.