Secret Agent Man

"I'm a secret agent man. A secret agent man," Shawn sang, taking time to put a little pause each time after he said secret. He was wearing his very best suit and he was rolling around on the floor like he was James Bond or something. "I'm a secret agent man. A secret agent man that has to some important stuff." He peeked around the corner and saw Mickie James sitting and reading a book. "Oh no," he whispered to himself. "That book as brainwashed Mickie!" He ran up to her, snatched the book and tossed it away.

"Shawn, what the hell?" Mickie complained. "I was reading that!"

"No time to explain!" Shawn said. He grabbed Mickie by the hand and started dragging her away. "We need to get out of here before it comes back!" He dragged her out of the arena and into the parking lot.

"Why are you doing this?" Mickie asked. "Have you gone completely insane?"

"I'm a secret agent man," he explained like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Oh God, you really have gone insane."

Jeff drove up right in front of them. "Get in you guys! We have to hurry! There are evil Russians after us!"

Shawn pushed an unwilling Mickie into the car and Jeff tore out of the parking lot. "Why are the evil Russians after us?" Shawn asked.

Jeff shrugged. "I don't know." He grinned. "Hey, you know what we need?" he asked as he leaned over to turn on the radio.

"Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road!" Mickie screeched as Jeff barely missed hitting a whole bunch of cars.

Jeff pouted and reluctantly looked back at the road. "You're no fun. Shawn, why did you bring her?"

"I had to save her from the evil book," Shawn explained.

"The book was not evil!" Mickie protested.

"That's what it wanted you to think."

A car behind them suddenly started trying to run them off the road. "OH MY GOD IT'S THE RUSSIANS!" Jeff screamed.

"Go faster Jeff!" Shawn ordered. "We have to outrun them!"

"No, don't go faster Jeff!" Mickie screeched. "You'll kill us if you do!"

Jeff didn't listen to her and started going faster. They were going so fast that all the cars around them were just blurs as they passed. Shawn suddenly wished that Jeff wasn't driving. He did not want to die like this. He was a secret agent man damn it! He could not die because Jeff was a terrible driver. "Pull over Jeff," he ordered. "I want to drive now."

"Screw you man," Jeff snapped. "This is my car. You're not driving my car."

"Jeff please!" Mickie begged. "I don't want to die like this."

"You're not going to die silly. Itchweeed won't allow that."

"No, you cannot drag Itchweeed into this," Shawn said. "Things are scary enough as it is."

"Oh, so now you don't like Itchweeed? Is that what you're saying?"

"No, I'm just saying I trust Itchweeed's driving even less than yours."

"Well fuck you motha fucka! I can drive like a motha fucka boy!"

"Jeff!" Mickie screamed.

"It's Itchweeed bitch!"

"Itchweeed, watch out for Kozlov!" Shawn yelled.

Itchweeed slammed on the brakes and came within millimeters of hitting Vladimir Kozlov. Kozlov didn't move an inch though. It was like nothing could faze him. "Oh shit dude," Itchweeed said. "Now that's some freaky shit."

Kozlov walked around to the driver's side door and tapped on the window until Itchweeed rolled it down. "I demand better competition," he said. He held up a weed eater. "Come Itchweeed. We will have weed eating competition."

"Well shit boy, why didn't you just say so?" Itchweeed said. He got out of the car and walked off with Kozlov.

Shawn took several deep breaths. "Okay, I don't want to be a secret agent man anymore. This job is too scary for me."

"Good," Mickie said. "Now take me back to the arena before I kick your ass for doing this to me. Oh, and if you see me with a book again, just let it kill me. You got that?"

"Okay. I'll let the evil books kill you from now on."