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Our Farewell

In my hands

A legacy of memories

I can hear you say my name

I can almost see your smile

Feel the warmth of your embrace

But there is nothing but silence now

Around the one I loved

Is this our farewell?

...

Sweet darling you worry too much, my child

See the sadness in your eyes

You are not alone in life

Although you might think that you are

...

Never thought

This day would come so soon

We had no time to say goodbye

How can the world just carry on?

I feel so lost when you are not at my side

But there's nothing but silence now

Around the one I loved

Is this our farewell?

...

So sorry your world is tumbling down

I will watch you through these nights

Rest your head and go to sleep

Because my child, this not our farewell.

This is not our farewell. - Within Temptation

...

...

Charming

"How's our girl then?" Jimmy asked while Doyle watched her from his spot across the street.

"She's not good Jimmy. She's walkin' around like a zombie an' the only time she's moved in the' last hour was when the little girl crawled in her lap, then she cried and rocked her. This isn't good Jimmy. She's no use if she's crackin' up." Doyle said and Jimmy let out an exasperated noise.

"Ya t'ink I don' know that? Keep watchin her an' if she gets too far gone you know what ta do about it." He said the last quietly and Doyle set his mouth in a firm line.

"Aye Jimmy, I know." He looked at the girl and hoped for her sake that she snapped out of it soon.

…

Juice pulled up to Opie's driveway and parked his bike. He sat there for a few minutes to collect himself, there was a weight on his chest that was making it hard to breathe as he thought about what he was going to see in that house. He knew that what happened to Donna wasn't a gang hit but he was smart enough to keep his information to himself. He felt responsible for this, if he hadn't found the information ATF had planted then they wouldn't have doubted Opie and Donna would be alive and the kids would still have their mother. He felt a stab in the gut at that. He lost his own mother years ago but that pain was still as fresh as it had been the day he'd walked into their apartment and found her on the kitchen floor. It had been a heart attack but that didn't stop his guilt. He'd been out scoring some crank at the time and he felt that if he'd been with her she would have survived. Shaking his head he made it to the front door and knocked. The woman who answered wasn't familiar to him but if what he'd heard was true she was Opie's mother and Piney's former Old Lady.

"He's in the back." Was all she said as she let him into the house. He made his way to the backyard and felt the weight in his chest get heavier as he saw Milla holding Ellie with tears in her eyes. She didn't look like she was completely there; there was this distance in her eyes that was eerie. Now Clay's phone call made sense.

"Hey Brother." He said as he hugged Opie and felt the weight reach epic proportions as he was engulfed by the pain that radiated from the larger man. "I'm so sorry man."

"Thank you." Opie said quietly as he let go of Juice and both of them turned to see Milla with tears in her eyes cradling both of the kids now. "She's been like this all morning. Her Irish bodyguard dropped her off at the crack of dawn and she's been sitting with the kids. Hasn't said two words."

"I'll see what I can do." Juice said as Opie nodded; despite what he was feeling he didn't want Milla to travel down that road.

Juice walked up to the swing set where Milla was sitting, cradling Ellie on her lap while Kenny went back to playing with a toy car next to them. He knelt down and lightly touched her hand causing her to move her eyes to him and it took every ounce of self control he had not to wince at the raw pain in her eyes.

"Hey, how are you?" He asked and Milla just made a noise in her throat, the only answer he was going to get. "I get it, stupid question. Where's Little Clay? I bet he needs his Mama."

At the mention of her little boy some more clarity came to her eyes and she lifted a hand to wipe at the tears leaking down her face before she spoke.

"Lu has him for a few hours I...I couldn't be a good mother to him right now. I need." She took a deep breath. "I need to sort myself out first."

He nodded as he took her hand in his and twined their fingers together, it was such an intimate gesture and he did it without thinking, just wanting to give her comfort. She looked at their hands, then at him and a new wave of tears started. She'd always wanted to hold his hand like this but now it was too much and she collapsed in on herself again and buried her face in Ellie's hair. After that Juice knew no amount of coaxing would snap her out of it until she was ready so he squeezed their hands before he let go and stood. He had no idea how to comfort kids so he just ruffled the hair on Kenny's head and placed a hand to the top of Ellie's before he walked to Opie.

"Take care brother and if she gets worse call somebody. I heard she goes to bad places when she's hurtin' like this." He hugged Opie again before he went back to his bike. He had shit to do for Clay and he needed to get his head on right.

…

Later that Day...

Milla stood in the kitchen washing the dishes and watching Opie pushing his kids on the swing. Jax had just left after a quick kiss to her forehead and a command not to let the dark get her. She'd nodded, not willing to tell him that the dark already got her and she had to fight for every scrap of sanity that she had left. As she put the last dish in the rack she heard Mary crying and talking with one of the other Old ladies. Her mind may have been fogged but Mary's words cut through.

"I warned her that something like this would happen. She shoulda cut out like I told her, then those babies would still have a mother. She wasn't strong enough to leave." At that Milla whirled and stalked up to the fat, boozy cow and just stared at her, her hands itching to hit her.

"Wasn't strong enough?" She asked Mary in a voice dripping with so much malice that everyone in the room stopped cold, unwilling to draw her attention to them. "No Mary, Donna was strong. She was strong and good and loyal an amazing mother and woman. She was everything you never could be you fat lush."

Mary looked at her in shock. The little girl she'd had a hand in raising would've never spoken to her like that but this little girl wasn't that person anymore. Taking a deep breath Mary looked at her and shook her head.

"You think this woulda happened without that damn club. You know, just like everyone else that if Donna'd walked she'd be alive right now." She said and Milla looked at her with eyes that had taken on a wild quality, crazy eyes.

"No, Donna would be alive right now if I hadn't said we needed dish powder. She'd be alive right now if I didn't have to clean the kitchen. Don't blame the Club Mary, this is on me." Once the words left her mouth her hands went to her face and she turned to sob quietly. Her outburst with Mary had finally allowed her to say what her mind had been screaming at her all day.

It was at that moment that Opie came in from the backyard. He took one look at his mother then a look at Milla before he turned back to his mother. He was about to say something when Milla walked up to him and stared at him, her eyes still crazy.

"Opie...I'm so sorry, it's all my fault…I shouldn't-" Her voice suddenly hitched in a sob and he crushed her to him. He didn't know what she was babbling about but he just wanted her to stop this.

"What's your fault?" He asked and it drew a ragged keening from her throat but she managed to stifle it as she looked at him.

"This, everything...I told Ma we needed dish powder. If I wouldn't have said anything she'd still be with us, alive. This is all my fault. God..." Her voice strangled and he clutched her tighter.

"Listen to me." Ope practically growled in her ear. "This wasn't your fault, you didn't pull the trigger. Stop blaming yourself for this, it isn't on you."

"I'm so sorry Ope, so sorry." She continued to cry and Ope squeezed her before he passed her over to one of the other Old Ladies. He had his own shit to deal with he didn't have it in him to piece her back together too.

…

The Next Day...

Milla had been slowly slipping toward that precipice since she'd been told the news. When she got up that morning she found a dress and shoes by her bed that her mother had set out for her and a note letting her know that Little Clay was with a babysitter, along with Abel and a couple of the other kids, and would be during the day. Once she knew where her son was she allowed herself to lose a little bit more ground, to stop gripping so tightly to her broken pieces. Once she was dressed and presentable she made it downstairs, nowhere near ready to face this pain.

She'd made it through the day attached to her mother. Everyone else kept polite distance, not wanting to earn Gemma's wrath. Gemma kept a close eye and a close grip on her throughout it all, making her sit next to her at the funeral and ride with her to the clubhouse afterward.

The funeral... Milla felt something in her break again as she thought of the funeral. She'd hugged people and kissed cheeks but she didn't see anything but that coffin that held one of the few people in the world that she truly and genuinely loved. The only thing she heard was the blood rushing in her ears and when she put that flower on the coffin something within her closed off and nothing else came through for a while after that, but when they lowered the coffin in the ground she snapped. Milla wasn't there anymore.

Now she sat in a corner of the clubhouse, not speaking, not seeing and not feeling. She was numb all over and nothing her Mom or Dad had done could snap her from it. She knew she was weak, that this thing wasn't her, but it was... She'd undergone trauma and loss before but nothing compared to this, she'd had a piece of her soul removed and it hurt too much to function so her mind had done the only thing it could do to save itself. It stopped everything and now she sat just looking and breathing but not feeling or truly seeing a thing.

…

Juice slammed a shot as he turned to look at Milla. She'd been off since she heard the news and it was frightening, he had to look away. She was so shut off from the rest of the world, so distant that he wasn't sure how they were going to get her back. They needed her back, her son needed her back, she hadn't even seen her boy since the day before... With that thought he looked up sharply and trained his eyes to her. The day before... He remembered her face when he saw her yesterday; he'd been the only one able to knock her out of her head for a bit. Taking another slam of liquid courage he walked to Milla and sat beside her. When she didn't acknowledge him he took her hand and, being sure no one was watching, he took her back to a dorm room and shut the door behind them. If he was going to yell he didn't want witnesses. He turned back to Milla and saw a tiny spark of recognition in her eyes...good she was still there; he just had to draw her out.

"Hey there." He said quietly as he approached her, knowing that raised voices would only spook her, she turned more into him, looking less like a zombie than she had before. "We need you to come back to us sweetheart."

He stepped closer and ran one hand up the back of her neck while the other pushed her hair out of her face.

"Little Clay needs you...Opie needs you...those kids need you..." He said softly as he punctuated each name with a kiss, first to her forehead, then to each cheek. "I need you."

He said the last quietly and kissed her lips, almost jumping back in shock as she kissed him back. It started softly but soon she threw herself into it. He got lost in the sensations as she grabbed his shirt and pulled him tight against her. He gasped as her hands found his belt and she started to tug at it. That shook him out of the stupor he was in and he held her at arms' length as she tried to get to him.

"Wait! Milla, we can't do this." He looked into her eyes and saw that the real Milla was there, she was just in too much pain.

"Please, I need this...I need you..." She took a deep breath before she moved her arms out of his grip and ran her hands over his Mohawk. As she threw his words back at him he kept staring at her eyes, seeing her come back little by little. It was clear that she did need this and he was harder than he'd ever been in his life but still he held back. "Love me."

She said the last pleadingly and that was all it took. He was on her, his lips on hers, his hands roaming her body. Soon he had her black dress on the floor with his shirt and cut while she undid his belt. He kissed her like he'd always dreamed of kissing her before he took his time exploring the body that was so present in his fantasies. He almost came as she wrapped her small hand around his dick but he held off and took her hand in his as he made her lay down on the bed and used his hand to make sure she was wet enough for him. His eyes were on hers as he slid himself inside of her. He forced his eyes open as he watched hers fill with wonder, as if she didn't know it could feel like that or that she could feel so much. Her eyes started to glaze a bit as he slowed his pace so he maneuvered so he could press his forehead to hers as he moved inside her.

"Stay with me baby, let me love you, let me take the pain away." He heard her gasp and felt her nails on his back as she held on. With a groan of his own he moved and placed her leg on his shoulder, he wanted her to see him, to see what he was doing to her and when he looked in her eyes again he saw that it really was her he was seeing, she'd come back to him.

"I love you." She moaned as she came and Juice lost it, having the most intense orgasm he'd ever had in his life. He collapsed and as he rolled next to her he gathered her in his arms and held her, feeling her warm tears hit his chest.

"I love you too baby, I always have." He said quietly as she sobbed in his arms.

…

Milla sobbed as Juice held her in his arms. They'd just made love and Milla was sure that she'd never felt anything so intense in her life. The intensity had caused the last walls within her to crash down and now she felt it all. She felt the pain, the emptiness, the shame...the love that this man had for her and she for him. It was all too much and she continued to sob as Juice ran his hand over her back and held her to him. They continued like that until they both fell asleep, exhausted by the emotion they'd just expended and both felt right for the first time in years. In the back of their minds they both knew that there could be consequences to their actions but neither cared. She'd needed him and he'd been there for her. It was the way it was supposed to be.

...

Author's Note: Wow, another intense one. Before I get backlash for making Milla weak, I'd like you to put it in this perspective. She'd reached her breaking point, too much had happened too soon and she'd needed to retreat into herself. I just wanted to explore this dark aspect of her personality and show that she's not perfect; she has her own demons and dysfunctions to deal with.

On another note I'm going on a trip, yay vacation, so I won't be able to update for a few days. I just wanted to knock this chapter out before it left my head. As always thank you for reading and reviewing. You have no idea how much I appreciate all of you.