A/N: Sorry again for my horrible posting habits, but now summer semester is in full swing. I still haven't abandoned this, I promise.
Chapter Eleven
It felt good to laugh. Benny was grinning and Dean's face hurt. His muscles weren't used to smiling, especially the last few days.
"I don't even know why I'm laughing, your impression of a horse is terrible." Dean leaned comfortably against the doorframe.
"Better than yours," Benny jabbed, smiling right back at him.
Dean looked Benny over. There were a few more crinkles around his eyes than there had been three years ago, and the bits of fat that sculpted his temples and eyelids with youth were beginning to fade. If even just barely, Benny had aged.
Dean knew he'd aged too, maybe more than the duke. His brow sat a bit heavier, and his cheekbones and jawline were sharper. His skin was a bit paler, and lines were beginning to show near his eyes.
The two of them were so familiar, and yet so different.
Benny frowned and moved closer. "What's wrong?" he said in his rich southern accent.
Dean sighed. "Mostly everything," he said, trying to make it sound at least a little humorous.
"Life's gotten hard, huh." Benny stated rather than asked. "Things were so much easier back in the day." Dean could only nod. "I liked back in the day."
Benny was looking at Dean strangely, and then he was suddenly on him, lips pressed against his. And Dean froze.
At first, it was like a flashback. Benny was still just as warm and just as strong, his hands just as sure, but… Dean didn't feel it, not like he used to. There was no spread of warmth or tingling in his chest. He didn't feel anything close to love, or even lust, for Benny, and a part of him was saddened. Benny was his only friend, and Dean couldn't even do that correctly. Castiel had been right all along.
Castiel.
Something hot shot through Dean's chest and he could move again, pushing Benny away from him. Dean's eyes were wide in shock, and Benny just looked confused. What the hell did he say to that?
"Look, Benny…" Dean trailed off, hoping the duke would cut in, but he didn't. Dean's brow furrowed. "I'm with Cas."
"But that's just politics," Benny said, coming closer but not touching.
"No," Dean's voice was surer. "It's not, I love Cas. I love him and he was right."
Benny shook his head. "Dean, we've been spendin' time together, talkin' like we used to. You can honestly tell me you don't feel anything anymore?"
Dean looked away. "I can. I'm sorry Benny."
"Then what has this been?" Benny looked hurt. "It's felt a helluva lot like we were gettin' started again."
Dean moved away from the doorframe and into the empty foyer, pulling on his hair. "I was trying to be friends," he said. "I've never had a friend before, Benny." That fact was just pathetic, but it was what it was- a fact. Dean didn't have friends. Dean had Sam, and Dean had Castiel. The closest thing after that was Bobby.
Benny was quiet. Dean suddenly felt stifled, and he needed to get out of there. "I need to find Cas," he muttered, marching out of the foyer and up the stairs. He was supposed to be back by now.
Castiel wasn't in Dean's room. He wasn't in the bathroom, or the kitchens, or even the damn roof. He marched to Sam's room and discovered Gabe and no Sam.
Gabe raised an eyebrow at Dean, who probably looked a bit crazed and out of breath. "Do you know where Cas is?"
"He should be back by now," Gabe's brow furrowed. "Did you check your room?"
"Yeah," Dean rubbed his eyes. "Fuck."
"Hey, maybe he got held up," the shorter man soothed. "Just wait for a little bit. I'm sure he'll be back soon."
Dean waited in his sitting room, anxiety slowly driving him mad. He paced for almost an hour until he couldn't take it anymore. He did the only thing he could think of, and took a horse to ride to Bobby's.
Impala galloped at breakneck speeds. He pushed her harder than he should have, but he couldn't wait. An unexplainable need to see Castiel had planted itself firmly in the front of his mind.
It was about thirty minutes later when he arrived at the old professor's house, only to find a burgundy-winged angel sitting atop the roof.
"Crowley," Dean called, dismounting quickly.
"Dean," Crowley said in means of greeting. "Lovely to see you."
"Is Cas here?" he asked, but the hollow feeling in his chest answered for him.
"Afraid not," the angel jumped down, fluttering his wings lightly. "Urgent business or trouble in paradise?"
"Is he back in the forest? Anywhere?"
Crowley's smirk dropped off his face. "No. He left for your castle an hour ago. Do you mean to tell me he's missing?"
Dean pulled at his hair. "Tell the others to look for him. Something's wrong, and I- I need to talk to him."
Without another word, Dean mounted Impala and rode back, feeling sicker and sicker as he moved. He could feel it through the bond. Did Castiel feel it when Benny kissed him? Or worse, did he see it?
He searched for hours, employing Sam and Gabe to help him. He didn't tell them what happened with Benny, no matter how many times they asked him what was wrong. He avoided the places in the castle that Benny would be, and luckily, the duke kept to himself.
Dean resigned himself to sitting on the roof, however much he hated heights, pulling two thick coats around himself. When the sun went down and he began to lose feeling in his fingers, he finally allowed Sam to drag him down into his room.
It was when he lay in his bed that he began to think that Castiel had just had enough, and left. He'd been distant, that much was true. Maybe he was with that other angel, Inias. It would serve Dean right.
He never gave Castiel enough credit. The angel saw Benny's motives right away when Dean was blinded by the need for some form of interaction to take his mind off of all the shit going on. Castiel saw this, and Dean ignored him. It was all his fault- he drove Castiel away.
The ache in his body was nearly unbearable. He would say that it stemmed from the Mark, but he didn't know for sure. He felt cold and sad and alone, and the only thing he wanted was Castiel to be there with him. More than finishing the trials, more than saving his kingdom, he needed his angel back.
Hopefully Castiel would come back soon.
o o o
Dean looked at the scene as if he were there. Thomas was chanting in a strange language. It could have been Enochian, but he pronounced it differently. A bad feeling washed over Dean as the fire flared up. Thomas threw a hand up over his face to shield himself, stupid really, and Dean stayed back.
When the fire died down, a woman, Abbadon, stood there. Her dress was short, with no sleeves, but it was a nice blue color, and Dean could see how attractive she was.
"Amara?" Thomas asked in awe, standing on shaky legs.
Abbadon turned her attention to Thomas, and for one second, her eyes flashed black. "Not exactly," she purred. Thomas looked afraid, glancing around at his magic supplies, probably wondering what he did wrong.
Abbadon's eyes grew soft. "I won't hurt you," she said gently, and Thomas relaxed. "My name is Abbadon."
"Thomas," he said, deciding to stand his ground. They appraised each other for a moment. "So… are you an angel?"
Abbadon turned in a circle, showing her distinct lack of wings. "No, but," she stopped, "I'm a step up."
Thomas pinched the bridge of his nose. "How do I send you back?" he asked, and Dean snorted. That was a stupid thing to say.
Abbadon's eye twitched, then she put on her best puppy dog eyes. They rivaled even Sam's. "Please, don't send me back," she pleaded quietly, her sweet-girl acting impeccable. "You may not have gotten exactly what you wanted, but I can teach you things." Her smile was laced with underlying meaning that Thomas obviously didn't catch.
"Really?" he asked.
"Of course," she stepped towards him. "I know everything about everything."
Thomas gave her a hard look, then sighed. "That's fine," he said.
She ran up to him and threw her arms around him, which startled the Winchester. "Thank you, Thomas," she said. Then, from her view over Thomas' shoulder, she seemed to look straight at Dean.
The king scrambled back. They couldn't see him in these dreams, how-?
The scene dissolved, but Thomas was left. His clothing dissolved, and he looked surprised. Suddenly, large slits cut their way down his skin, metallic gold blood leaking through them. He screamed, and Dean stepped back.
When he stepped, he realized that there was a warm wetness on his hands. It was blood, the golden blood that was leaking out of Thomas, and it burned. Dean rubbed his hands on his pants frantically, but the blood wouldn't come off. Thomas screamed again, and Dean echoed it.
He sat bolt upright in bed, sweating profusely. For a second, he grasped at the other side of the bed, looking for…
Dean's face fell, and he collapsed back onto his bed. He was alone, right.
He covered his face with his hands. If he remembered correctly, today was the day that Castiel was supposed to go meet with the commanders again, so he technically knew where he was, but he couldn't go there. The closest thing he could do was visit Bobby.
He showered, but declined breakfast. For a moment, he debated about going alone without Sam or Gabe, but they would definitely kill him for that. Soon, they were downstairs with him.
Gabe frowned. Dean looked like he'd barely slept or ate. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he looked like he'd aged another five years. Even Sam looked worried.
"Your Majesty," he said, glancing at the horses being pulled up. "Can I talk to you for a second?"
Dean looked like he might refuse, but he stood, shoulder drooping. Gabe motioned for Sam to stay there, and he pulled Dean towards a shadowed wall, out of earshot of anyone. "Look, I know you're my king and everything," Gabe started, "but Castiel is my best friend. He's one of the most important people in the world to me. So I need to know what the hell you did to make him run off."
Gabe's face was stony, and even Dean couldn't deny the conviction in his voice.
"Benny kissed me yesterday," he mumbled. "I don't know if Cas saw it or felt it or something, but that's the only thing I could think of."
He looked down at Gabe, who looked menacing even from seven inches below him. "And why the fuck would he do that?" his voice was cool, but Dean could see that he was getting mad.
"He thought he could, I don't know," Dean rubbed his eyes. "I just need to talk to Cas, tell him that I pushed Benny away and told him no and stuff. He's the only one I love, so, yeah." Dean's cheeks burned. He didn't really talk about lovey stuff with anyone other than Cas, but Gabe looked like he wanted to skin him.
Then the anger dissolved and the shorter man pinched the bridge of his nose. "We need to get him back here," he said, and Dean agreed. "I guess we'll wait for our emissary at Bobby's."
The trek was slow going, though Dean kept trying to urge Impala faster. "Dean," Sam chastised. "He won't be back for a while no matter how soon we get there."
Dean grumbled, not relaxing for one second of the ride. The need to find Castiel was growing every minute, along with a strong feeling of nausea and discomfort.
When they got to Bobby's, Gabe took him aside to explain the situation immediately. Sam sat by Dean in companionable silence for a while, then handed him a book about different types or weapons and armor. "Think about something else for a while," he murmured, and Dean complied.
o o o
It was mid-afternoon before Castiel finally dragged his feet back to Bobby's house. He didn't fly. He didn't actually want to go, but he knew he had to. Dean would be there, and Castiel didn't know whether he wanted to cry again, punch him, or pretend like he didn't care.
He was still contemplating that when the stone building came into view. Sam and Gabe were sitting outside, talking quietly, so they saw him immediately.
"Cassie!" Gabe smiled, rushing over. He crushed Castiel into a surprisingly fierce hug. For a second, the angel thought Gabe might bring up his leaving, but he didn't.
Sam patted him on the shoulder. "Glad you're back," he smiled. Then it dropped. "Dean wants to talk to you. He's-"
"I know," Castiel cut him off. This would be where Dean would explain that he didn't want to be with Castiel anymore. They would just be… business partners.
Sam gave him a strange look as he opened Bobby's door. "Hey, kid," Bobby smiled at him from over a book. "Been wonderin' where you went."
There was a thump from the other room, and Dean slid into the living room. "Cas," he said, voice laced with emotion. He jogged all ten feet, looking for all the world like he was going to sweep Castiel into a hug, but he stopped. "Cas, I need to talk to you."
"I'll be outside," Bobby muttered, slipping out the door. They were alone.
"You and Benny kissed," Castiel said, monotone. "I was there."
"That's not what happened," Dean reached to take Castiel's hand, but the angel leaned out of his reach. "He kissed me, I didn't-"
"Didn't push him away," Castiel retorted, voice beginning to shake. "As I said, I was there."
"No!" Dean pulled on his hair. "I did, after a second, I was just frozen. I didn't expect it to happen because I didn't think he felt that way but you were right." His lip quivered. "You were always right, and I was so stupid not to trust you."
Castiel exhaled slowly, trying to calm himself. He believed Dean, there was no doubt in that. The man was almost crying, and Castiel had only seen him cry a few times, and never outside his locked room. But every time he looked at Dean's scruffy jaw, he saw Benny's hand covering it. The scene replayed in his mind, and it hurt.
"I'm sorry," Dean whispered, breaking Castiel out of his thoughts.
"I believe you," Castiel replied. "I know you're sorry for letting him kiss you when you're still with me, but I won't stand in the way of you being together."
Dean gave him a strange look. "No, that's not what I want at all," Castiel let Dean take his hand this time. "I've only ever wanted to be with you. I still want to, and I'll want to forever." He slid Castiel's hand over his shoulder, where the Mark was. "This means more than you think to me."
Castiel felt relieved, though his throat tightened like he wanted to cry. Dean did love him. He did want to be with him. He felt it. Castiel wanted to say I love you, but what came out was different. "You should be with him."
Confusion passed over Dean's face. "Why would you say that?"
"He's better for you," Castiel swallowed thickly. "He's familiar to you and won't do magic on you by accident and could be there for you all the time, and… he's human."
Dean's face crumpled. "I should never have said those things," he mumbled, rubbing his face. "I want you, only you, just the way you are."
Castiel forced back the tears that threatened to spill over. "It just hurt," he said quietly.
"I felt it too," Dean said, pulling Castiel close. The angel went willingly, burying his face into Dean's neck. They stood there for a few minutes, quiet. "Does this mean you still want me?" Dean asked.
Castiel pulled away, sniffing. "Yes, just…" How did he explain that it still hurt? "Give me a little bit of time to forget about what I saw, okay?"
"Yeah, okay," Dean said gruffly. He pressed a little kiss on Castiel's temple before giving him some space to breathe. "I guess we've got a trial to do."