Hold Me Now
I have a picture
Pinned to my wall
An image of you and of me and we're laughing
We're loving it all
...
But look at our life now
We're tattered and torn
We're fussing and fighting, delighting with tears
That we cry until dawn
...
(Oh oh)
Hold me now
(Whoa)
Warm my heart
Stay with me
Let loving start
Let loving start
...
You say I'm a dreamer
We're two of a kind
Both of us searching for some perfect world
We know we'll never find
...
So perhaps I should leave here
Yeah, go far away
But you know that there's nowhere that i'd rather be
Than with you here today
...
You ask if I love you
What can I say?
You know that I do and that this is just one
Of those games that we play
...
So I sing you a new song
Please don't cry any more
And I'd ask your forgiveness though I don't know just
What I'm asking it for -Thompson Twins
Belfast
Milla stood outside of Jimmy's door feeling a mix of sadness and fear. She was about to go into Jimmy's home and talk to his woman about her former man. A subject that was unequivocally forbidden, but she had to do it; she couldn't put it all at Kerri's feet. Ever since she'd gotten the call from her mother, telling her about Chibs' "accident" she knew this talk had to happen. She had to tell Fiona about the man she still obviously loved. She held Little Clay's shoulders as he stood in front of her, standing still and behaving as good as gold for her. Her little angel always seemed to know when his Mama needed him to be a good boy and right now he was behaving perfectly, he stood still and waited. They didn't have to wait long; soon enough Louise opened the door.
"Miss Milla, so good to see you, and Mr. Doyle, come in. Miss Kerri and Fiona are in the drawing room, I could take little Clarence to get some cookies in the kitchen?" She suggested, taking note of Milla's serious face.
"That would be great. You go with Miss Louise baby." Milla leaned down and Little Clay hugged her before they entered the house and he went to the kitchen while she went to the drawing room while Doyle hung in the foyer. He may have been Jimmy's man but he was also a father and a husband. He knew how important he was to his wife and children and, though he'd never say it, he felt that what Jimmy had done to Fiona's man and Kerri's Da was low, so it was their right to know that he was hurt. If Jimmy asked him about the conversation he wouldn't hesitate to lie.
Milla walked into the drawing room and had to bite her lip to keep from crying as she saw Kerri sitting at the coffee table doing homework while Fiona braided her hair. She hated to break this up, especially with the news she had but she needed to tell them. They deserved to know.
"Where's Clay?" Fiona asked from her perch without taking her eyes off of the complicated braid she was working on.
"He's in the kitchen with Louise. I'm sorry to interrupt; I just have something really important I need to talk to both of you about." She worried her lip before she noticed Fi's nearly imperceptible little nod to continue. "Just give me a moment while I sort out what I wanna say."
She sat down in the chair next to them and Fiona stopped braiding Kerri's hair as they both turned to Milla and looked at her expectantly. God she hated this, but she took a deep breath and continued.
"There was an incident at Teller-Morrow." She stopped for a second and watched some realization enter Fiona's eyes. "A van exploded and Chibs was thrown clear. Right now he's in critical condition at St. Thomas. They aren't optimistic. I'm so sorry."
"Sweet Mother o' God." Fiona whispered as she brought her hands to her mouth and Kerri sat silently and stiffly, as if moving would cause her to shatter like frozen glass.
"I'll be going to Charming with Little Clay as soon as I get the go ahead to travel. Father Ashby and O'Flaherty have already signed off on it." Milla said and watched as Kerri finally started to breathe again.
"I'm goin' with ya. He's my Da; my Da can't die without knowin I love 'im. My Da can't die!" Kerri yelled and Fiona pulled her daughter to her and ran her hand over her hair.
"Shhh now lovey, shhh. Ya' know ya can't go. Your Da knows ya love 'im and Milla'll be there for us. Right Milla, you'll be our eyes and ears over there?" Fiona asked and Milla hastily wiped the tears that had formed in her eyes.
"Yes, I'll be there. I'll be checking in and letting you know how he is and I'll pass along anything you want him to know." She said and sat back as Kerri suddenly stood up and ran to her bedroom. While she was gone Fiona turned to Milla and gave her a nod.
"Thank ya. I know ya risked a lot ta come ta us." She pressed the heel of her hand to her eyes to stop the misting that threatened to give way to tears. She'd learned not to cry over the hand she' been dealt years ago and she wouldn't unlearn that lesson now.
"You needed to know. I know that if J-" She stopped herself from giving everything away. She liked Fi a lot, even loved her, but she couldn't divulge that information, not with Fi in the position she was in. "I know that if I was separated from the person I loved I'd want to know what happened to him."
Fiona nodded, as she took a deep breath. Jesus, her Filip was on death's door...again...she'd have to put out her feelers to find out if Jimmy or one of his thick boys was behind it. If that were the case she might have to petition the Counsel and she knew she had at least three allies within it. It might just be what was needed to take Jimmy down and out. Going after Filip now would be reckless and stupid. It was for those reasons that she now realized Jimmy couldn't be behind it, stupid was one thing he was not, but there were still many other suspects. Before she could dwell on the events much longer Kerri came running from the bedroom carrying a large envelope which she thrust at Milla.
"Here, give this ta my Da. I may not be able ta see him but he'll see me. He's not gonna die. No kind god would let him die without knowin me again." Milla just nodded before she stood and took the young girl she loved like a sister in her arms. She was right; no way would Chibs die without knowing his girl.
...
Milla stood at the gate waiting to board with her son in her arms. She'd gotten leave to go home from the Counsel and it hadn't come a moment too soon. According to her mother her Dad, Brother and Juice were in jail. Gemma didn't go into details but it was bad, really bad and Milla knew she needed to be home, for Chibs and to support her mother and Tara.
"Flight 874 to Boston now boarding." The voice announced and Milla gripped her carry on and balanced her son as she held tightly to their boarding passes. As she moved toward the line she felt someone grab her shoulder.
"Made it just in time. It took some miracle to get on the same flight as you." Fiona said and Milla knit her brows together. Fi was supposed to stay in Belfast and Milla would keep her informed. As Milla looked at her Fi understood. "I had ta come. I needed ta see him, let him know I'm still there."
Milla just nodded and they moved to the line ahead of Doyle, who was going as the bodyguard. As they moved forward in line Milla felt her shoulders tense. Things were about to get worse for everyone, she could just feel it.
…
Charming
Gemma began work on her third pack of the day as she waited for the cab to come driving up. Milla had called her from the airport and she had Little Clay with her. Gemma couldn't deny that the little boy would be a bright spot in the never ending rain of shit her life had become. He wouldn't think less of her or look down on her for anything that happened. He'd just love his Gamma. She smiled slightly at the thought of his way of speaking; it was good to have one grandbaby that could talk to her. She finished off the cigarette she had then took another out of the pack. She couldn't seem to help herself.
…
"I'll meet you in the hospital tomorrow. Ok Fi?" Milla asked as she hugged the older woman as they stood in front of the safe house outside of Charming.
"Aye, I'll be there as soon as visitin' hours start. Go see yer Ma and don' worry 'bout yer Da. There're few men tougher than that old bastard. I love ya Milla, as much as if ya were my own." She said softly as she ran a hand over Milla's cheek before she leaned and gave her other cheek a kiss. Milla's brow knit again but she quickly blanked her face.
"I love you too Fi. Be safe." She quickly grabbed Fi's hand and squeezed it before she got in the cab beside her son.
A little while later they pulled into the lot at T-M and Milla got out. Once she had her bags and Little Clay balanced on her hip she turned to see her mother standing by the office door before she pushed off and made her way to Milla.
"It's good to have you home." Gemma said quietly before she pulled Milla and Little Clay into a hug. It was so, so good to have them home and her family together. They weren't in one piece, but they were together.
…
"What happened?" Milla asked as she sat with her mother in the clubhouse, it was eerily quiet and made her skin crawl, the guys needed to be back and give the place life again.
"Weapons charges, the bond...shit it's ridiculous baby." Gemma tapped her fingers against her knee, dying for a cigarette but honoring her daughter's wishes not to chain smoke around Little Clay.
"If I had anything..." Milla said but Gemma shook her head.
"No baby, you need that money to set yourself up. Besides I doubt it would make a dent. Just you bein' here is enough." She reached over and took her daughter's hand, so happy to have her there and her grandbaby sitting on her lap, playing with the studs on her sleeve.
"Is there anything I can do? Anything at all?" She asked and Gemma looked at the clock on the wall, realizing there was something she could do.
"Come with me, I'll put ya to work." Milla felt the constriction around her heart loosen as her mom smiled and it was genuine, not the facade she'd put up. Milla couldn't put her finger on it but something was there, behind her mother's eyes and she wanted it to go away.
They drove in silence as Milla studied her mother. Gemma always played the martyr, proclaiming that her sacrifices made the Club the powerhouse it was in better times. She would use that martyrdom to bully anyone who stood in her way and demand sacrifices of everyone else. Now there was this burden on her mother that was almost a physical thing and Milla was concerned for her. The concern doubled when she noted the presence of Tara at her parents' home saw the look on her face as they entered. She'd never known Tara to employ that level of concern for Gemma...Tara's tormentor.
"Milla, what are you doing here?" Tara asked before she moved out of the way and Gemma strode into her entryway with seeming purpose.
"The question is, what are you doin' here doc? I was gonna have Milla take over for Neeta." Gemma said and Tara just looked at her, as if she was wondering why Gemma was acting...like Gemma.
"Today's my day off. I thought I'd spend some time with Abel. With Opie's kids here too I couldn't exactly leave." She said as they walked in and as soon as Milla cleared the wall by the living room area Ellie launched herself at the woman she called "Auntie" and loved like she was.
"Hey baby." Milla said softly as she leaned down to kiss Ellie's hair, thankful that her mom had collected Little Clay.
"Are you leaving us again?" Ellie asked her voice full of fear that broke Milla's heart. With that question Milla knelt down and stared Ellie in the eyes.
"I'll be leaving in a few days, but I promise you that the next time I come home it will be for good. I promise." She pressed her head against Ellie's and Gemma looked at her, unaware of the plan but knowing that Milla would never actively lie to Ellie or her brother. "Hey, Kenny, don't I get some love from you?"
The little boy smiled and ran over to his Auntie and sister, he really was happy to see her but at the same time it made him sad. She was just another person he loved who would leave him. Regardless he hugged her and they stayed that way for a while.
"Ok, you two watch TV for a little bit and I'll go make you some snacks." Milla announced and they both nodded before she turned to her mom and Tara. "Let's go."
Gemma smirked at her daughter before she threw an arm across her shoulders and led her into the kitchen to help with the snacks.
…
Later that night, Milla sat at the coffee table with the kids and a stack of coloring pages. They'd been busy that afternoon, coloring page after page and she loved it. If only she could stop the persistent twinge to her stomach. Something had happened to someone and she could feel it. She looked up suddenly at a knock at the door and got up to investigate. She stood out of the way and watched Tara talking to a lithe blonde who just had to be one of Luann's girls, the way she looked produced no other options.
"Hi." The blonde talked over Tara and looked at Milla; Milla just nodded and spoke to Tara.
"Who's this?" She asked as she looked the blonde over, cute but nothing special.
"I'm Lyla, Opie's friend. He asked me to pick up the kids, take them to dinner." She said and Milla felt the mamabear in her rise, no way was this stranger taking her babies.
"Opie's "friend" huh? Well "Opie's friend" the kids already had dinner and are enjoying themselves. Why don't you just go on home and if Ope wants to make a big deal out of this, that's for him to decide. The kids are fine here." Milla said it all calmly and Gemma watched from her position by the dining room table, she was impressed by her daughter's behavior.
"He asked me-" The blond spoke again and this time Gemma spoke up.
"You heard her. The kids are fine here. We'll let Opie know you stopped by." With that Milla walked to where Tara was still by the door and closed it in the blonde's face, not caring how it looked. As she turned to her mother there was outrage on her face.
"Opie's "friend"?" She said quietly but her voice full of venom. "Jesus Christ, Donna hasn't even gone cold yet. What the fuck is he doing with her?"
She took a deep breath and Gemma quickly grabbed her and led her into the kitchen, not wanting to see her have a breakdown in front of the kids. Once they were in the kitchen Gemma sat Milla down and gave a sharp look to Tara who stayed out. As Milla calmed down Gemma brought her a glass of water and sat with her.
"Let it out." Gemma commanded as she watched her daughter. Gemma may have been a bitch with a steel trap for a mouth if she had something to hide but she understood that Milla was wired differently, her baby girl needed to let it out or she would explode. She'd learned this painfully when her girl had reached puberty and tried to keep everything in. The blowups were the stuff of legend.
"She's...she's barely dead. He...god...it's like he's trying to replace her and Donna can never be replaced. God, it's too fucking soon Ma. The kids are still mourning, trying to figure out what to do now that their mom's gone and he's parading porn pussy around trying to make her insta-mommy. This isn't right." She shook her head and Gemma nodded in understanding, her daughter had just voiced the thoughts that had gone through her head.
"I know what you're feelin' but you gotta keep a lid on it. This is Opie's life and those are Opie's kids. It's not your place to make judgment calls." Milla nodded, but still shook her head.
"I know I just feel that the kids deserve some time, even if Ope isn't at a place for it. Damn, maybe if I was here... Ok, I'll get my shit together; the kids need their Auntie Milla." She conceded but her face told a different story. She wasn't going to let this go.
"Good, now help me in the kitchen, Tara can watch the kids." Milla just nodded and followed her mother into the next room.
...
Later that night...
"They're asleep. Little Clay's snuggling up to Abel." She smiled at Tara who nodded.
"Thanks, Gemma just got the call, they should be here soon." Milla felt a smile light her face and looked away. She didn't want to share too much with Tara; she didn't know how far the trust could go yet.
"Do you mind if I ask you something?" Tara asked and Milla looked at her, wondering if her mind had been read.
"Ask away, no guarantee I'll answer." She said honestly and Tara nodded.
"Fair enough, why do you keep going back? Every time I see you here you look so happy, so...alive. Then when I hear your voice from Belfast it's flat and dead. What draws you back there, when this is where you want to be?" She asked as she sat with Milla at a table not far from the hallway where the kids were passed out in a dorm room.
"The reasons aren't simple. I have business in Belfast, arrangements and deals that I've made. If I just picked up and left without paying my debts...let's just say it wouldn't be good for me or Little Clay." She divulged all the information she felt she could and Tara nodded, still curious but understanding that Milla couldn't tell her everything.
"They're here." Gemma said and Milla rose with Tara to go outside. As they stood they watched the van unload and the men walk out looking like the world was on all of their shoulders. Milla's eyes darted, looking for Juice but she wasn't able to find him. As Tig passed she went toward him but her mother held her back. She was so frightened by Juice's absence that the animosity between her brother and father hardly registered. Juice should've been there. Soon the men were inside and her mother released her. When she walked in the clubhouse she was met by a wall of tense silence. She didn't know what to say or do and stood helplessly until her Uncle Bobby took notice of her and took pity on her.
"He's not here darlin." He said as he motioned her to him and put a hand on her shoulder. "He was...hurt... He'll be in the hospital for a while but he's fine"
She felt her heart squeeze like it was in a fist and couldn't speak if she had wanted to and Bobby took pity on her.
"He'll be fine, they're movin him to St. Thomas in the morning, low risk and all that. Stop fretting, he'll be good." At Bobby's assurance that Juice would be ok she could breathe again and nodded.
"Thank you." She said hoarsely and Bobby pulled her into a hug.
"I love ya darlin' don't want ya to go into shock." She chuckled at that and she smiled. "Go on and check on your Ma, we'll talk later."
She nodded again and went toward the office where she instinctively knew her mother would be. She had a busy day the next day and needed to bring Little Clay home. She had a feeling she'd be spending the day at St. Thomas.
…
The Next Morning...
"What're you doin up so early?" Clay asked Milla as she walked by his position at the dining room table on the way to the kitchen. He hadn't slept the night before and was just sitting and thinking.
"I'm bringing Little Clay to Jax's. Neeta's going to watch him. Then I'm going to St. Thomas. Tara said I could go in to see Chibs and the doctors have cleared Juice for visitors." She said and Clay nodded before he pointed at a chair.
"Sit." Milla obediently walked to the offered seat and sat, waiting for further instructions. "Irish know you're here or did ya skip out on hubby?"
"They know I'm here, I cleared the trip with the Counsel. I just need to be back in about three days, maybe sooner. There's some shit in the ranks that I'm not privy to." She admitted and Clay nodded, He was glad she didn't know it meant she was in the clear.
"Just keep your head down and nose clean Angel. There's shit goin' on that I don't want you wrapped up in." He stood up and moved to kiss her head. "Let Juice and Chibs know we're pullin for 'em."
"Yes Daddy." She said before she got up and went to the kitchen where she packed a small snack bag for Little Clay. They had to get a move on if she wanted to spend as much time with Juice as possible.
…
Fiona sat in the chair by Filip's bed. He'd been awake for a few minutes, long enough to talk a bit but Fiona knew it wasn't enough, what she said would never be enough so she sat and prayed that Filip would forgive her and god would see fit to make them a family again. Her prayer took the form of words she longed to say. Soon she crossed herself then sat back and watched the man she loved, the father of her child, fight to live.
What seemed like hours later Milla walked into the room and spared a sympathetic look to Fiona who was sitting in a chair by Chibs' bed and flipping through a magazine, looking bored. She looked up at Milla and gave her a small smile.
"He's awake on and off lovey. Come sit with me for a few minutes." Milla nodded and sat with Fiona.
"Wanna know something funny?" Milla asked and Fiona nodded before she took her hand in hers. "When I was thirteen I wanted Chibs in the worst way. I had it all planned out, he was going to fall in love with me but wait until I was eighteen. Then he'd make me his Old Lady and we'd get married in the clubhouse. For our honeymoon he'd take me on a tour of the world. Then we'd have a house full of little Scottish babies. Funny how dreams change huh?"
She asked and Fiona nodded. Dreams change when you're young before the weight of the world crushes them. She hoped Milla still had dreams.
"What are your dreams now?" Fiona asked and Milla's walls crashed completely.
"My dream is in room 207." She said quietly and Fiona nodded. She knew Milla's pain and wished the girl would open up to her.
…
Juice was hurting and pissed. They were supposed to put him on a morphine drip but the nurses were doing everything they could to stay out of his room. No doubt because of the prison escort he'd gotten earlier that morning. He reasoned that it wouldn't have been so bad if he could have been on his back but...no... His wounds meant that he had to stay off his back and an overabundance of fluid gathering went that he had to have tubes inserted into his punctures so this meant that as long as he was draining lying on his stomach was a no-go. God, nothing could make this better. A soon as he thought that his door opened and a petite dark-haired angel walked in and he felt a smile stretch his face, suddenly thankful for no drugs because he knew this wasn't a hallucination. His baby was here and she was with him. Just as he was about to speak he saw tears start to pour down her face.
"No tears, I'm alive and you're here. I can't think of anything better right now. Come over here." He commanded and Milla walked to the bed and pulled the chair up close and Juice took the hand she offered in his.
"I love you." She whispered and Juice brought her hand to his lips, not able to do anything else.
"More than anything." He kissed her hand and she rose to bring her lips to his, kissing him softly.
"You and Little Clay are my everything." She said and he kissed her again before she pressed her forehead to his.
"Ditto for me baby...Ditto." She smiled and took Juice's hand between both of hers, memorizing the feel, content in the knowledge that even a shiv to the back couldn't separate them.