Matt's Intervention

Matt whistled a random tune under his breath as he walked through the hallway. He was wrestling MVP tonight and he was going to his locker room so he could get ready. But on the way, he was grabbed by the back of the shirt and tossed into a different locker room. "What the hell are you doing? Let go of me you jackass!"

"Sorry Matthew," Hunter said seriously. He sat Matt down in the chair that was in the middle of the room. "But we're only doing this for your own good."

It was at that point that Matt realized he and Hunter weren't alone. Jeff, Shawn, Beth, Stephanie, Maria, Candice, Randy, Edge, Shannon, Shane, Gil, Morrison, Miz and MVP were all there too. "What the hell is this?" Matt asked.

"It's an intervention apparently," MVP said. "You see, I don't need an intervention because I'm STILL better than you."

Shawn smacked him on the back of the head. "That's not helping. This intervention is about helping Matt with this really big issue."

Matt was very confused. "Wait, what issue? Why are you making me go through with this intervention?"

"Because we think you're on drugs," Edge said.

"No we don't!" Hunter snapped. "We're just concerned about your anger issues and the fact that you hate your life. We're afraid you're going to commit suicide."

Jeff's eyes widened. "Matt's going to kill himself?"

"Oh God," Matt groaned. He did not like the high pitched tone Jeff's voice had taken.

Beth groaned. "Jesus Christ Hunter, did you have to say that? Out of all the things you could have said, why did you say that?"

Jeff jumped into Matt's lap and started bawling hysterically. "Don't kill yourself Matty! I don't want you to die!"

"I'm not going to kill myself you idiot!" Matt said in exasperation. He glared at Hunter. "I'm going to kill you for starting all this."

Shannon held up his piece of paper. "If he's not planning on killing himself, then do I have to read this thing I wrote about not killing himself?"

Randy looked at Edge. "I told you that we were supposed to write about how he SHOULDN'T kill himself."

"Wait, what the hell did you write Edge?" Miz asked.

Edge grinned and pulled out three sheets of notebook paper. "101 Reasons Why You Should Kill Yourself Matt," he read. "One: I am an eight time world champion. Two: you will never win a world title besides the gay ECW title. Three: You were ECW champion. Four: I am a better wrestler than you. Five: I am sexier than you. Six: Lita agrees with that statement."

Matt dumped Jeff to the floor and advanced on his arch-nemesis. "You have two seconds to shut the hell up before I stuff that paper down your throat," he growled.

Hunter pointed his finger at Matt. "You see? You have anger issues!"

"I wasn't angry until you fucking dragged me in here and started pulling this bullshit with me."

Shawn's eyes widened. "So Hunter's the problem! Hunter is going to drive Matt to the point of suicide!"

"I am not suicidal! Just because I sang a song about hating my life does not mean I'm going to kill myself!"

Jeff grabbed a sledgehammer that was sitting underneath a bench and started advancing towards Hunter. "You are harming my brother. You must die."

Hunter started backing away. "Now Jeff, let's stop and think about this for a minute…"

"I SAID YOU MUST DIE!" Jeff yelled. He started swinging the sledgehammer like a baseball bat, barely missing Hunter. Hunter let out a high pitched scream and ran away like a little girl.

Matt sighed and shook his head. "This night cannot get any worse."

"Reason number seven: I have much better hair than you. Eight: your legs bend funny. Nine: my legs don't bend funny. Ten: you have a moron for a brother. Eleven: your friends are morons too. Twelve: You are also a moron."

Matt picked up the chair he had been sitting on and smashed it over Edge's head. He looked down at the Rated R Superstar's unconscious form and grinned. "Wow, I actually feel a whole lot better now." He nodded to the others. "Thanks guys. I think this intervention worked quite well."