Inside the Mind of the Heartbreak Kid
March 27, 2009
I think Undertaker is taking our feud a little too seriously. I've caught him looking at me like he wants to kill me several times over the past several weeks. It's actually really scary. He probably could kill me if he really wanted to. He's a big guy and he would be right at home in a horror movie. Hey, maybe he has been in a horror movie. Kane was in one so that means the movie people had to have put Undertaker in one first. After all, Undertaker so totally pawns Kane. Not that I would ever tell Kane that of course. He might kill me with that hook he used in See No Evil. And getting killed with a hook is bad. I may not know a lot, but I know that much.
On an interesting side note, I found out Matt does weird things when he sleeps sometimes. I found him laying on the floor whining and moving his hands and feet around like he was a running dog or something. I tried to record it using my cell phone but it didn't work so I tossed the bastard thing against the wall. That made it break and now I have to get a new one. That was not a smart move on my part.
March 28, 2009
I am never watching horror movies with Jeff again. He had me watch the entire Halloween and Friday the 13thseries with him and he kept telling me that Undertaker was going to kill me at Wrestlemania. And since Undertaker is dead or what not, it looks like I'm going to get my brain eaten by a zombie. Or maybe I'm going to get my blood sucked by a vampire. I don't think Jeff really knows what Undertaker is. Then again, I don't think anyone does. Hmmmm…zombie or vampire? Do I want to get killed by a zombie or a vampire? Or is Undertaker either of those things. Maybe he's a witch. Yeah, that would make sense. Witches could probably bring themselves back from the dead. I mean, what's the point of having magic powers if you can't bring yourself back from the dead? It defeats the purpose of magic powers.
Oh, Hunter and I went to go see 12 Rounds today. It was Hunter's idea but he got mad at me and accused me for the terrible idea. First of all, we had to pay eight dollars apiece for a ticket. Then our Cokes, candy and slushies cost us another fifteen bucks. And then (this is what really set Hunter off) was the fact that we wasted all that money to basically see another version of The Marine. I mean, there are a couple of differences but it's basically the same as his first damn movie! I was like what the hell? Even Hulk Hogan had more variety in his movie choices and all of his movies sucked! So Hunter yelled at me for making him waste money on that movie and I got mad at him for blaming me for his own stupidity so I gave him a Sweet Chin Music at the theater and left him there. I haven't heard anything from him sense then. I wonder if he's okay. I should probably go find out.
March 29, 2009
I had a dream that Undertaker tried to kill me last night. First he tried to eat my brain like a zombie. Then he tried to bite my neck like a vampire. Then he just tried to boil me alive in his cauldron. Luckily I was saved by the giant chicken that keeps attacking Matt in his dreams. I told Jeff about my dream and he told me it meant that if I wanted to know the true meaning of the dream, I was going to have to pay him 1,000 Skittles. I didn't do it though. I'm not stupid. Jeff will do anything to get some Skittles. I will not fall victim to his scam.
March 30, 2009
Jeff's still bugging me about the Skittles. He took his clothes off again and he won't put them back on until I get him all the fruity candy he desires. First I called Matt to see if he could get his brother but apparently Jeff knocked him unconscious, tied him up and put him in a closet somewhere. So I tried calling Hunter instead. He wouldn't help me because he was still mad about me kicking him a couple of days ago. Then Jeff went to my Jewish neighbor and asked her if she would suck it if it was Kosher. She called the cops and I got to watch as Jeff was arrested for indecent exposure. I could have stepped in to help but I chose to laugh and mock my friend the entire time.
But the laughing and mocking didn't last long. I saw Undertaker stalking me outside my window. He really does want to kill me! Oh God, I'm going to die!
March 31, 2009 (I think)
I've been hiding inside this closet for awhile now. I'm too afraid to come out. Undertaker is out there and he's planning on gutting me like a catfish. If anyone reads this, then the unthinkable has happened. I am either just dead, a zombie or a vampire. Please run away so I don't eat your brains or suck your blood. Brains and blood are gross. I really don't want to have them as my diet for all of eternity. Maybe Undertaker will be nice and turn me into a chocolate eating zombie or vampire. That would be sweet.
Rebecca closed the diary and looked at her sleeping husband. He had no idea that Undertaker was really not out to kill him. Undertaker was just playing some mind games and they seemed to be working a little too well. "Oh honey, what am I going to do with you?" she asked. She shook her head. "Undertaker's not the witch here. The neighbor you thought was Jewish is the actual witch. She's over there right now doing…you know what? Never mind. I don't need you waking up and hearing me say that. You'll just get paranoid and do something stupider than usual."