Inside the Mind of the Older Brother

April 2, 2009

I have once again woken up inside of a closet. Jeff is really starting to piss me off with this shit. This is the third time within the past five days he's knocked me out and stuffed me in a closet. I don't know why he's doing it. Either he really likes me out of the way while he runs around naked and taking Skittles from people or he just likes the fact that I keep having to come out of the closet. Ha, I've been coming out of the closet a lot lately. Wait, no, that shouldn't be funny. I have two girlfriends. There is no closet for me to come out of.

Speaking of my girlfriends, they got really pissed at me today after I came out of the closet (God that's weird writing that). Apparently I'm supposed to get rid of stuff I like just so they can have more room for their junk. I told them that there was no way I was getting rid of all my crap because I actually liked it and that's when they gave me the evil glare from hell. So I decided to leave and go to Jeff's house. Jeff was in Dad's watermelon patch, weedeating it because he was being Itchweeed. That left me all alone with Beth.

"Hey Beth," I said. "How do I get Jeff to stop putting me in the closet?"

"You have to scare him," she told me.

"Well what is he scared of?"

"Psychics."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Apparently if they can read minds then they can hijack his brain and he'll cease to be."

Sweet. I'm going to pretend to be psychic now. It shouldn't be too hard. It's actually pretty easy to figure out what Jeff's thinking most of the time. He is rather simplistic after all.

April 3, 2009

I shouldn't have told Jeff I was psychic. I think I really scared him. I went over to his house this morning and heard him muttering about not being able to find his Pixie Stix. Apparently he had a gigantic pack of them but they disappeared. He probably ate them and forgot about that, but he was convinced Beth took them. Now he didn't know I heard him muttering so I just sat down on the couch and kept staring at him as he tried to watch TV. He tried to ignore me at first but finally I really got on his nerves.

"What?" he finally asked. "What do you want Matt?"

"It's hard not being able to find your Pixie Stix, isn't it?"

He just stared at me. "How did you know I couldn't find those?"

"And it also must be hard when you can't even accuse your girlfriend without getting yelled at."

He looked at me like I had lost my mind. "Matt, seriously, how do you know that?"

I grinned at him. "I'm psychic. I can read minds Jeffro. Isn't that great?"

The look on his face told me that he did not think it was so great. In fact, he looked pretty freaking terrified by my confession. "You can really read minds?" he asked timidly.

"Yes," I said. "And I know what you're thinking now. You're thinking I'm going to hijack your brain and you'll cease to be. And you're right Jeff. I am going to hijack your brain."

That's the point he ran screaming out of the house and nobody can find him. Beth, Candice and Maria are all mad at me, even though it was Beth's suggestion to scare him in the first place. I guess it's just easier to be mad at me because I'm the man. I am worried about Jeff though. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I can't scare him again if he doesn't come back.

April 4, 2009

Well the good news is, we know where Jeff is. The bad news is, Hunter is furious with me too. Apparently Jeff actually got on a plane and flew to Connecticut to hide at Hunter's house. Now he's still hysterical and Hunter's pissed because Stephanie won't screw him because she's taking care of Jeff. So now I'm going to be off to Connecticut to try to convince my dear brother I'm not a brain hijacking psychic. This should be fun.

April 5, 2009

Now Jeff is hiding in the closet and he won't come out. Hunter is still not getting laid. I'm not going to get laid either unless I fix this mess. I am so depressed right now. I have to do something and quick.

April 6, 2009

This afternoon I broke down the closet door and got in there with Jeff. He started screaming like an idiot. "Get away from my brain!" he told me. "I like my brain! Leave it alone!"

"I'm not going to hurt your brain you idiot," I said. "I'm not really a psychic."

"Then how did you know about the Pixie Stix?"

"I heard you muttering to yourself when I came into the house. And I knew you were afraid of psychics hijacking your brain because Beth told me."

"Oh." He punched my leg. "That was mean! Why would you do that to me?"

"Because you kept hitting me in the head and putting me in closets! I wanted to make you stop."

"Oh." He started to laugh. "Hey, I got you in the closet again and I didn't even have to hit you this time! I still win!"

Oh Lord, give me the strength to deal with my damn bastard of a brother…