Inside the Mind of the Game

April 5, 2009

I don't understand why everyone is keeping diaries (or journals or whatever) now. First it was Jeff, then Shawn, then Matt and now me. This is some weird and girly shit. Oh well, mine will be different. Mine will be more than a mere journal. Mine will be an artistic statement of the inner workings of my mind.

Stephanie hasn't been having enough sex with me. When we first got married, we had sex like three times a day. But now that we've had a couple of kids and she's working more on TV, we're only having sex once a day. That's just not enough for me. I am a very sexual person. Sex is my addiction. I am not me without it. I tried to explain that to her but she just pissed off at me.

"Why do I need to have sex with you again?" she asked. "I just had sex with you three hours ago! Once a day is enough!"

"It is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Hunter, you're very close to get your sex for tomorrow canceled."

"Fine. Can we at least do the Dutch Rudder then?"

"The what?"

"The Dutch Rudder." I pulled down my pants and grabbed my cock. "You see, now you start working my arm up and down. It's like I'm jerking off but you're making me do it."

She looked at me like was crazy but she did it just to shut me up. Now as fun as the Dutch Rudder is, I need other ways to fulfill my sex drive if I'm not going to get laid three times a day.

April 6, 2009

These are all the things I have learned from reading fan fiction:

In slash pairings, Jeff is almost always the bottom.

There are only two exceptions to the above statement: one story where he fucked Edge and if he is with Shannon, he is pretty much always the top. That's how much of a bottom Shannon really is.

I am almost always on top and dominating in some way (go me!).

Frequently seen Jeff pairings (slash and non-slash): Jeff/me, Jeff/Matt (now that's making me wonder what those two really do when they're alone), Jeff/Edge, Jeff/Randy, Jeff/Chris, Jeff/Maria, Jeff/Undertaker, Jeff/Ashley (even though she dated Matt, not Jeff) and there's probably more, but I can't think of them.

My pairings: Me/Steph (duh), me/Shawn (we take "suck it" to a whole new level), me/Lita (I'm not joking--I have seen these fics), me/Jeff, me/Randy and me/Shawn/Undertaker.

Matt's pairings: Matt/Jeff (its my journal so I can repeat if I want to), Matt/Eve, Matt/Lita, Matt/Edge (now there's some sexual tension right there), Matt/Evan (even though that might constitute pedophilia because Evan looks to be twelve).

Shawn's pairings: Shawn/Chris, Shawn/Undertaker, Shawn/me, Shawn/JBL (EWWWWW!), Shawn/Bret.

There are some details that I really didn't need to know, but they get written anyway. Still, I find it hot because Stephanie still won't have more sex with me. Damn bitch. I think it's her time of the month or something.

There's probably more I've learned but I'm hungry so I'm going to stop writing now.

April 7, 2009

I know how to solve my lack of sex problem: I am going to become a porn star. It's perfect! I can have all the sex I want and it won't be considered cheating because it's just my job. I even asked Stephanie if I could do it.

"You seriously want to be a porn star now?" she asked me.

"Yeah," I said with a nod. "I need to have more sex. I'm still going to love you but I want to video tape myself having sex with other people so I can make money."

She shook her head. "Will this get you to leave me alone more?"

"Yes."

"Okay," she said with a sigh. "Have at it."

Yes! I have the best wife ever.

April 8, 2009

Last night I tried to come up with a plot for my movie but it didn't really work out. So I just decided to not have a plot in my porno. It's not like a plot line is really necessary for a porno anyway. My favorite pornos got rid of the silly plot and just had people having sex. Wait…that's it! I've got the perfect title for my porno: Shut up and Fuck Me. It's perfect! It's fucking perfect! I'm going to go do my happy dance now.

April 9, 2009

Shawn will be the director of Shut up and Fuck Me. I haven't told him that yet because I don't want to listen to him whine about his religion and morals and shit yet. Oh and Jeff and Matt have to be in it. I'm going to be the main star and I'm going to fuck pretty much every girl in the movie, but I'm a nice friend so I'll let them get laid too. I'll even let Beth, Candice and Maria in so Jeff and Matt don't have to fuck each other (although they can if they want to. Whatever floats their boat is find with me as long as it's not bestiality). I'm going to go to Vince today and force him to finance this movie. Ha! I love having a rich father in law.

Matt put down Hunter's journal slowly. He looked at Jeff and Shawn. They appeared to be as traumatized as he felt. He tried to speak but no words would come out. He didn't even know what he could say after all they had read.

Hunter came in at that moment. "Hey guys I got this great idea for us to--" He stopped as he realized they had read his journal. "Uh oh."

Jeff just stared at Hunter for a long time before summing up everything that needed to be said in one sentence. "You're a fucking pervert dude."