Hunter's Sons

Hunter knocked on Randy's door. "Come on Randy, I know you're in there!" he yelled. "You can't hide from me forever!"

Randy finally opened his door. "You are not having him. You have been warping his brain and I don't like it."

"Hey, we agreed that if you got full custody of one, I got to see the other one!" Hunter protested. "Now stop being a filthy bitch and hand him over!"

"Did you just call me a filthy bitch?"

"Yes. What are you going to do about it?"

Randy shook his head. "I'm going to tell Stephanie about the stack of Playboys you've got hidden in your office."

"You better not you--"

"Hunter!" Ted yelled happily. He pushed Randy out of the way and hugged the blonde man. "I want ice cream but mean old Randy won't give me any!"

"I said you would get some after you eat dinner!" Randy growled.

Hunter rolled his eyes. "Yeah, like the kid wants to wait that long." He patted Ted on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it buddy. I'll give you all the ice cream you could ever want."

"But you're going to spoil his appetite!" Randy whined.

Ted giggled as he and Hunter left poor Randy behind. "He has a really girly whine."

Hunter smirked. "I know he does. I love making fun of him for it. And when I do, he whines even more and gets all pissy and bitchy. That's why I'm taking you under my wing. You have to be butch, since Cody is bitch enough for the entire locker room."

"So you're saying Cody's the bitch and I'm the butch?"

"Yes Grasshopper. Now let's go get ice cream."

When they got to Dairy Queen, they found Matt scolding Shawn and Jeff because they were getting hot fudge everywhere. "What is so hard about putting it in your mouth and just eating it?" the older Hardy asked angrily. "Honestly, I can't take you two anywhere!"

Hunter shook his head. "You see, this is why I like you Ted. You're as crazy and warped as I am, but you can at least eat your food properly."

"Hey, why do you have more sprinkles than I do?" Shawn asked. Jeff. He took his spoon and stole some of the younger man's sprinkles.

"You bastard!" Jeff yelled. He leapt off his chair and tackled Shawn to the ground.

"Stop that!" Matt ordered. "If I have to get up, you both will be sorry!"

Ted looked at Hunter. "Hey, you know what I want?"

"Sprinkles?"

"Well yeah, but I really want a baby brother now."

"You already have two brothers. And a sister named Cody."

Ted sighed impatiently. "Yeah, but I want another brother. Or maybe another sister. As long as they whine less than Cody, I don't care who they are."

Hunter nodded. "Okay, I think we can…" his voice trailed off as he saw something that he had never noticed before. "Holy crap!"

"What is it?" Ted asked.

"Since when has Rey Mysterio been Hispanic?"

Ted frowned. "Since forever. Dude, you just noticed this now? You've known him for how long?"

"Silence child!" Hunter snapped. He couldn't help that he had just had a massive blonde moment. "Rey's short! I'm too busy laughing at how much I tower over him to notice what he is." He looked at the person who was sitting with Rey. "What about him?"

"Evan Bourne?"

"Yes. You can have him as a brother and I can meet his brother Jason."

"Hunter, Jason Bourne is a fictional character in a series of books and movies."

Hunter glared at him. "I wouldn't say that in front of Evan if I was you. He could tell Jason and then Jason will kick your ass. Jason Bourne is an ass kicking machine." He led Ted over to Rey and Evan's table. "Hello boys."

"Oh God no," Rey groaned. "What do you want Hunter?"

"Ted and I want to adopt Evan here."

"Why?" Evan asked cautiously.

"Because you're tiny and I want to laugh at you."

Ted elbowed Hunter in the ribs. "That's not why you idiot! We want to because I want a brother."

"You have Mike and Brett," Rey reminded him. "Besides, isn't Cody like your adopted brother."

"Actually, he's more like my adopted sister."

Rey and Evan exchanged looks. "Cody is pretty girly."

"Yeah, but you don't want to run with Hunter," Rey warned him. "You're small like me. He might leave you stranded in the middle of a mall because he didn't see you weren't there with him."

"I said I was sorry like a thousand times Rey!" Hunter objected. "Let it go already!"

Ted pouted his lips. "Oh come on Evan. Puh-weeze be my baby brother."

Evan frowned. "What the hell is puh-weeze?"

Ted just kept pouting.

Evan sighed. "Okay. I know I'm going to regret this, but okay. I'll do it."

"Sweet!" Hunter exclaimed. "Let's celebrate! Ted, you and I will have a beer and we'll get some nice chocolate milk here for Evan."

Rey rolled his eyes. "He's not really a baby Hunter. He can drink a beer."

"Hey! Who's the father here?"

"THAT'S IT!" Matt roared. He grabbed Jeff and Shawn by the ears and started dragging them outside. "I'VE HAD IT!"

Hunter, Ted, Rey and Evan watched and listened as Matt dragged the whining Shawn and Jeff outside. After a moment of just staring, they looked back at each other. "I think Matt's the real dad here," Rey said.

Hunter had to nod along. How could he not after that little performance. He picked up Evan's ice cream and held it up. "To Matty! Not only is he father to us all, but he is banging two chicks at once."

"Do you have to bring that up every time you toast to him?"

Hunter rolled his eyes. "To quote Jeff: why WOULDN'T I bring that up every time I toast to him?" He looked at the window and screamed. "Ack! Jeff's naked again!"

Ted sighed. "That's it. I'm going to glue some clothes on to him. I'm not even joking."