The Return of the Drunk Matt

"TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME! TAKE ME OUT TO THE CROWD! BUY ME SOME PEANUTS--" Matt stopped singing and burst out laughing. "Nuts! Someone needs to buy me some nuts! Nuts! Nuts! Buy my nuts! I don't charge much, I swear!"

Hunter looked at Jeff fearfully. "How much tequila did you give him?"

"A lot," Jeff admitted. He had been tired of Responsible Matt always getting in his way, so he had gotten his brother drunk in an attempt to get the bastard off his back.

"Shawn!" Matt hollered, scaring the shit out of the Heartbreak Kid. "Do you want to buy my nuts? They're big and salty."

Shawn looked like he had no idea what to do. "Uh…no thank you," he said slowly. "I uh…don't like nuts."

"Are you sure?" Matt asked. "I could give you two nuts and foot long wiener."

"Matt!" Jeff exclaimed. "I'm ashamed of you! I've seen you running around naked while drunk a thousand times and I know you don't have a foot long wiener."

"Yeah Matt," Hunter said. "Don't confuse yourself with me."

Jeff snorted. "Yeah, you wish buddy. I've seen you too and I think Matt's bigger than you are."

"No he's not!"

"Guys, can we please change the subject?" Shawn asked. "I really don't want to hear this discussion."

Matt started to giggle like an idiot. "Jeff! Hey Jeff!"

Jeff sighed. "Yes Matt?"

"Your hair is a rainbow." His eyes suddenly widened. "Taste the rainbow! Skittles!"

"Wait, there's Ski--OW!" Jeff yelped in pain as Matt tried to eat his hair. "There are no Skittles in my hair Matthew!"

Shawn chuckled. "I think he thinks your hair is the Skittles."

"I don't give a shit what he thinks! Just get him off of me!"

Hunter and Shawn reluctantly pulled Matt off of Jeff. "No!" Matt whined. "I must eat the Skittles!"

"We'll get you different Skittles," Hunter promised him. "We'll get you ones that don't taste like hair dye, okay?"

Matt pouted his lips. "But it's not fair! I want the hair dye Skittles!" He started trying to go after Jeff again, but he ended up falling on his face instead. "OW! I hurt myself Jeff!"

"Good," Jeff snapped. He rubbed his hair gingerly. He was now regretting bringing drunk Matt back. "I hope you broke something."

Matt looked up at his little brother with a shock and hurt look on his face. "Why do you hate me?" he cried. "I didn't do nothing to you!"

Shawn sighed and helped Matt up to his feet. "See what you did Jeff? You made him cry! You're a monster!"

Jeff grinned. "I like monsters." He curled up his fingers so they looked like claws and put his face just inches from Matt's. "Rawr!"

Matt just laughed. "Monster's are cool," he mumbled. He started stumbling away from them, and he started getting angry when he realized they were following him. "What are you doing?" he whined, nearly tripping and falling on his own face again. "You people don't need to follow me. I don't want you around me. I can't breathe when you guys are around."

"Well we're not letting you go off alone," Hunter informed him.

"Why not?"

"You're drunk."

"Well I'm sexy, so that makes it ago." Matt started laughing and dancing around. "If you want my body, if you think I'm sexy, come on sugar let me know!"

Shawn sighed and shook his head. "Why does he always have to sing when he's drunk? He's not good at it sober, so why is he subjecting us to it now?"

"Because he can," Hunter replied. "He knows we can't stop him when he's like this. He's like the Engergizer Bunny: he just keeps going and going and--"

"Oooh, look at the pretty colors!" Matt yelled suddenly. He ran at the wall full blast and hit his head against it so hard that he bounced off of it and fell on his ass. The blow almost knocked him out, but he managed to stay conscious.

Jeff shook his head. "What the hell did you do that for, you idiot?"

"I saw pretty colors," Matt slurred out. He somehow managed to get back up to his feet, even though he almost fell over several times. "But they're all gone now. They went bye bye." His eyes rolled in the back of his head and he passed out completely. The other three didn't bother to catch him, so he hit his head again, only this time he hit it on the floor.

"Finally," Hunter said. "I thought he would never pass out." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a marker. "You guys ready?"

Jeff and Shawn pulled out their own markers. "We never thought you'd ask," Jeff said. He now had an evil look on his face. "Let's make Matty pretty."

XXXXXXX

Matt woke up the next morning on the floor with a headache from hell. He slowly got up and stumbled into the bathroom. "Fucking stupid friends couldn't even help me get on a couch or something," he muttered. He stepped in front of the mirror and immediately groaned. The others had taken the liberties to draw all over his face, and 'I love Cock' was written right in the middle of his forehead. "Oh you bastards are dead!"