Scary Stories

"What the hell are we doing out here?" Shawn asked. He, Hunter and Jeff had come over to Matt's house and now they were all sitting around a campfire, in the woods, in the dark. "This is really creepy. I want to go inside now."

Matt shook his head. "Nobody's going anywhere right now. We're going to sit out here and tell scary stories to each other."

Hunter snorted. "What are we now, like five or something? What grown men do this?"

Jeff grinned. "Well what grown men wear Scooby Doo boxers?"

"They were a gift from you jackass! You wouldn't stop hitting me until I put them on!"

Matt snorted. "Keep telling yourself that Hunter."

"I will, thank you very much!"

Shawn raised his hand. "I want to tell my story first."

"Oh God, this is going to be stupid," Jeff muttered.

Shawn looked offended. "No it won't!"

"Yes it will!"

"Matt!"

Matt sighed. "Jeff, shut up right now." He looked at Shawn. "You can tell your story."

"Thank you." Shawn cleared his throat dramatically. "Once upon a time, there was a girl who was babysitting at a neighbor's house--"

"And she got a lot of a strange calls from a creep that was inside the house," Hunter interrupted.

Shawn's jaw dropped. "Hunter!"

"Dude, we just watched When a Stranger Calls last night. That was the exact story you were about to tell."

Jeff glared at Matt. "You know, one time, I was playing around with Matty and I pretended to be a stranger in the house. And the idiot here clocked me in the head with a frying pan."

"Well you shouldn't have come at me with a knife," Matt said defensively.

"It was a plastic one!"

"Well I didn't know that at the time, now did I?"

Hunter rolled his eyes. "Guys, listen to my story. Mine is awesome."

"Oh Lord, this is going to be completely inappropriate, isn't it?" Shawn asked.

"Maybe," Hunter confessed.

Matt threw his hands up in the air out of frustration. "Dude, we're supposed to be telling scary stories!"

"Well this is a scary and inappropriate story," Hunter insisted. He had a very serious look on his face. "I'm going to tell you the Legend of Marie Van Dick Slicer."

Jeff and Shawn looked worried. "Marie Van whatta?" Jeff asked fearfully.

Matt buried his face in his hands. "Oh God, this is going to be so stupid."

"Marie Van Dick Slicer," Hunter said quietly. He looked like he really believed the crap he was saying. "You see, about fifty years ago, Marie, her boyfriend and their friends were camping in these very woods. Marie's boyfriend Clay Media and her best friend Sally Sucks A'Lot went to go get some firewood."

"Hunter, I'm begging you to stop," Matt pleaded.

Jeff glared at his older brother. "Dude, shut up! This is just getting good!"

"Anyway, Clay and Sally were gone a very long time and Marie started to get worried. So she went out to search for them, thinking something bad had happened to them. But as it turned out, they had stopped to have lots of hot, sweaty sex with each other."

Shawn winced. "I knew this was going to be inappropriate."

Hunter continued like he hadn't heard his best friend. "When Marie saw that, she went absolutely insane with rage. She killed Clay and Sally, mutilated their bodies and then fed them to bears so they wouldn't ever be found."

"That's disgusting," Jeff whispered.

Hunter nodded. "It is. And the thing is, Marie never regained her sanity after that night. She just stayed a raving lunatic, and even after all these years, she goes to all the woods across America, just looking for poor men so she can cut their dicks off."

Shawn and Jeff were hanging on his every word while Matt just looked like he regretted even doing this. "How do we know she's coming?" Shawn asked fearfully.

Hunter looked around before leaning forward and whispering out the answer. "She screams before she comes to kill."

Not two seconds later, a woman screamed from somewhere not very far away from then. Matt groaned as Shawn fainted and Hunter's jaw dropped in shock.

"IT'S MARIE VAN DICK SLICER!" Jeff screamed. He jumped up and started running away. "SHE SCREAMS BEFORE SHE--" The rest of his sentence was cut off by him running headfirst into a low hanging branch and knocking himself unconscious.

Beth came sprinting into their little camp. "There was a snake!" she said as skidded to a stop. "A big huge snake!" She looked at Shawn and Jeff. "What happened to those two?"

"They thought you were Marie Van Dick Slicer," Matt explained. "So Shawn fainted and Jeff knocked himself unconscious trying to run away."

"Well who's Marie Van Dick Slicer?"

"Someone I made up in my scary story," Hunter said. He knelt over Shawn and tried to slap his old friend back into consciousness. "God Beth, for a minute, I thought that there really was some old hag out here to cut our dicks off."

Beth glared at him. "Are you saying I scream like an old hag?"

"Well yeah, why else would you scare the shit out of us?"

That was the wrong thing to say. Beth broke a switch off the nearest tree and started hitting the Game with it. "You take that back!" she yelled angrily. "Take that back right now!"

Jeff woke up as Hunter tried to run away and Beth chased after him. "What happened Matty?" he asked as he rubbed his head. "What happened to the dick slicing lady?"

"It was just Beth," Matt said as he revived Shawn.

Jeff looked horrified. "Beth is Marie Van Dick Slicer?"

Matt rolled his eyes and slapped his brother across the face. "No you fucking idiot! Beth was the one who screamed because she saw a snake. And then Hunter told her she screamed like an old hag and now he has to run away from her because she's whipping him with a switch.

Shawn sat up and shook his head. "Hunter's not very smart," he said matter of factly.

Matt snorted. "No shit."

Jeff slowly stood up. "Matty?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't want to tell scary stories anymore."

"Me neither. I want to go watch Beth destroy Hunter."

"Me too," Shawn said.

Jeff grinned as the three men went to go find where Beth and Hunter had run off too. "My girlfriend's going to kill him," he sang out happily. "And I get to watch!"

"And if she really does kill him, we'll tell Stephanie Marie Van Dick Slicer got him," Shawn said. "Agreed?"

"Agreed," the Hardys said with a nod. They wouldn't want Beth to get in trouble after all.