A/N: Hello. WARNING: This chapter contains mentions of Self-harm, and suicide. Trigger Warnings. Please proceed with caution. This chapter is a darker one that most, but it's not the darkest chapter overall. I just wanted to add a warning, to make sure that everyone knows what is contained within, before you read it. I'm not 100% sure how things work in America with colleges, I've tried to research as much as possible, and i hope that it's accurate, but if it isn't, please let me know in a private message, or a review (with kindness and love, cause we're all helping one another), and I'll do my best to fix it. Thank you. I hope you're enjoying this story. Read and Review. Thanks, JusticeIsn'tEasy0083. D.
Chapter Five: What Is, and What Can Never Be
It had been a relatively quiet week since they had gotten Kurt to re-join the Warblers. Thanksgiving is coming up, and National's is drawing closer, which, according to Wes, means that their 'prank war' on the New Directions is officially underway. The Worthington House Parade is in two days, and Kurt and Blaine had been picked as the "Favourite Couple" to represent this year, which apparently means they have to give a speech to the incoming freshmen about where they see themselves in five years. Kurt is unsure. He doesn't have any set plans for college, because he's been too worried about planning to find his mother after school ends. Of course, Nick is in the same boat, not being able to decide on what school to attend, and whether or not to follow Jeff, or his own dreams. Even though whatever school Jeff goes to, Nick could probably do the same thing at the same school. But the other boy always makes it a point to explain to Kurt, that it's not about picking the same school, it's about knowing whether or not you're picking the right school. It has the four of them in a bit of a stage of denial. For example, Blaine doesn't know whether to go to the school that his father went to, or go to the one he wants to attend, even though he doesn't know which one it is yet. Kurt doesn't seem that fussed about it, but he knows it's in the back of his mind. He knows that eventually, he's going to have to make a choice, but he wants to make it, so that it gives him enough time to locate his mother. This is the thought that occupies his mind all day, and even when Blaine is straddling him on his bed, slowly unbuttoning his white shirt, kissing down his torso as each button is undone, he's still thinking about college choices, and how it's all going to work. Sensing his boyfriend is distracted, Blaine presses his lips against Kurt's, knocking him back to reality.
For dinner, Nick ordered pizza for the Warblers, and made them eat it in the common room, letting their conversations stray away from the Parade and college preparations and anything else that didn't have to do with just being together and relaxing. Of course, he didn't inform Wes of any of this, and the Head Warbler made it his mission to drive them crazy with plans for the Parade. Kurt had secluded himself in one corner of the common room, just watching his crazy friends and boyfriend, as they versed one another in Dance Party 3 on the Wii. He couldn't help but laugh when they found a song that was perfect for them to just sway to, and didn't have to actually dance. The only thing Kurt knows absolutely, is that he wants to go to Law School. He's set up his interview with the College Councillor, and knows everything he needs to know about taking the LSAT's. He's got all the materials required to prepare for it, and knows what needs to be done. The thing he doesn't know, if what Law School to apply to. Blaine's choice will largely impact on his, and they both know this. They know it, and it's driving them mad, because they're picking the schools based on each other, and even though they know they're going to be together for a while (forever is an outdated term according to David), picking where they're going based on a relationship, that has a fifty-fifty chance, isn't the smartest option. Yet, there seems to be something that will always be missing. When the cheering from the Warblers knocks him back to reality, it's because he's being pulled by the hand onto the makeshift stage to compete against Nick in Dance Party 3. Smirking and raising his eyebrow at Nick, who just smirks back, he knows this isn't going to end well. They're both fairly good dancers, but when they're up against each other, well it's hard to pick a winner… even the Wii has trouble deciding.
He understood the concept behind filing a missing persons report. He knew that, but he doesn't want to file a missing person's report, he just wants someone to locate his ex-wife, without having to get the police involved, which is stupid, because he came to them in the first place. It's been almost ten years since his wife 'disappeared', and he knows it's useless to start looking for her now, but he's worried about his son. Kurt has been acting out more and more, and Burt needs answers. He gets home from work one day, late, and finds a man, waiting on the front porch. The guy looks shady, but Burt has a feeling that he won't be harmed… and he's right when the other man, shorter than Burt, wearing a black suit and glasses, extends his hand and introduces himself as Agent Fischer. Burt invites the Agent inside and is told that he's willing to go undercover, locate his wife, and report back to him. Like a private eye, but off the books. Something about the whole situation is off, but then he hears Kurt come home, talking exasperatedly into the phone, and he accepts the man's offer. At this point, he's desperate. Two hours later, Agent Fischer is leaving, and promises to give updates to Burt as he progress through the case. Kurt is standing at the top of the stairs when his father turns around, but he doesn't say anything, just watches as his father climbs the stairs towards him, pulling him into a hug when he reaches his son. Kurt doesn't hug him back, he doesn't see the point. His father is hiding things from him, and he wants to know what they are.
It's almost a week later, when Burt gets a call from Agent Fischer. He tells the man that he's in Texas, and that he located Elizabeth. All of a sudden, it becomes too real for Burt, knowing that his ex-wife is still out there, and is choosing not to come home. He should get in his car and drive to Texas, but he doesn't want to be the one that goes to her. Not yet anyway. Fischer sits down at the large dining room table, and hands Burt a file that is thick. He asks if Burt knows about the drugs and partying, and he explains that he does, that's how she used to be before they got married and had Kurt. He also tells Burt something that almost shatters his already fragile heart… he tells the bald man that she has another kid. He's seven, and lives with Elizabeth in Texas. Something inside him breaks, and he's slamming his fist down on the table, standing and leaving the room for a moment, before re-entering the room, and thanking Agent Fischer, who promises to keep in contact, that should he ever want to locate her, or get in contact with her, he'll be the guy to talk to. After the man leaves, Burt goes through the file Fischer gave him, thankful that Kurt was staying at Nick's tonight, knowing beyond all else, that this would absolutely destroy him even more. The file is thick, detailed, starting from when they were in highschool, until right now. Ten years after she goes missing, and all this time, she's been living in Texas with her new and improved family. It makes Burt mad that all this time, she's had Kurt, she's never once contacted him since she ran off. He's pissed, but not just at her, or himself, he's pissed at someone he doesn't even know, for taking away the woman he loves, and for destroying the soul of his son, who is already starting to experience mood swings like his mother. He's so much like his mother… so much like her, it's scary for Burt sometimes.
On Friday morning, the day before the Parade, Worthington House, and its residents, are a flurry of activity. Miss Price is standing in the middle of the chaos, Blaine on one side, Kurt on the other, just watching, and gaping at the flurry of Warblers, being shouted at by Wes, David and Thad. It's made worse by Elijah and Emmanuel deliberately destroying everything, and laughing about whatever instructions Wes is giving them. Before they know it, Kurt and Blaine are being ushered through the crowd of Warblers, so they can run through rehearsal. For this, they have to be the happy couple that they are, and make statements that don't necessarily scare the incoming freshmen, but do give them the jitters. It made Wes tingle to think that they hold the power to completely scar incoming freshmen. He smiles manically, rubbing his hands together in a villain like manner, before turning to face David, who is also smiling manically. Those two are definitely on the same wave length as one another Kurt thought to himself, smirking at the look on the Twins faces when David asked them to leave the room. Apparently, they're going to be introduced after the first Warbler number, and then Miss Price is going to hand them their envelopes, containing their speeches, which they will read to the sea of people who are going to be here. Kurt wants to hit him, he really does. It's so tempting to turn around, swing his arm, and hit Wes right in the face, and his restraint is fading by the minute, getting less and less as he fights to keep himself from doing something stupid. He's broken out of his thoughts by Ian, Riker and Shane, members of the Warblers, calling to Wes from the door, that some of the new students and their parents are here early. It's funny to see Wes' eyes bulge from his head, as he runs off the stage and follows the three boys out of the room. Kurt just sits on the edge of the stage, watching everything and trying to think about a future he hasn't even planned yet. He doesn't even notice Nick sit down beside him, until his best-friend bumps his shoulder and smiles.
'What is going on in that big head of yours Kurt?' he asks, smiling
'I don't know what I'm going to say. I haven't thought about college. I don't know what my future holds. Why does it all need to be decided today?' Kurt asked
'Kurt, I know this is a tough choice for you, and I know it can be a difficult one. You don't have to make the choice today, but you should do something. Say something that at least inspires someone,' Nick replied
'Things used to be so simple didn't they?' Kurt asked, but Nick didn't smile, he just looked at his brother
It was late, probably about three in the morning (or early, depending on how you look at it). Nick was woken by a loud crash. He sat up quickly, flicked the light on, and saw something he hasn't seen in a while. Kurt was curled up, at the foot of his bed, blood pouring from his arm, the picture frame that used to sit on the bedside table, shattered on the floor. Nick was out of his bed so fast, grabbing the first aid kit, trying to hold back the emotion at seeing his best-friend, his brother, sitting like this, on the floor of their dorm room. He's kind of glad that it's not Blaine's night to stay here. He doesn't know how he's going to explain this to anyone, but as he's patching Kurt up, the countertenor is rocking back and forth, mumbling mixed words, none of them making any sense. Nick hears Karofsky, something about wanting to be free and Kurt just saying don't leave me over and over. Karofsky he gets, he knows how terrible that ordeal was, but the other two things have him terrified. He knows that he shouldn't, he should wait until the morning, till he has a clear head, but he can't do this alone anymore. So he grabs his cell and calls Blaine, telling him to bring Jeff. He helps Kurt to his feet, moving the other boy back over to his bed, and making him sit calmly in the center of it. Five minutes later, Blaine and Jeff arrive, bursting through the door, both immediately spotting Kurt, the blood and the bandage. If Kurt knows Blaine's in the room, he doesn't say anything. He's still rocking back and forth mumbling things under his breathe. Jeff pulls Nick into a hug, and for the first time in a while, he cries into his boyfriend's shoulder. Kurt can't deny this anymore. He can't not go and see Dr. Zucker. Blaine climbs onto Kurt's bed, moving to sit beside the taller boy, placing a shaking hand on his left shoulder. Kurt's head flicks to meet his, and Nick moves closer to the dorm door. There is something, behind Kurt's blue-green eyes that terrifies Blaine. He can't pinpoint the emotion, but it's not something he ever wants to see there again. Kurt doesn't look at Blaine. He doesn't look at any of them, he just climbs under the covers, and closes his eyes. When Blaine knows he's asleep, he presses a soft kiss to his boyfriend's temple, and moves over to where Nick and Jeff are sitting on the couch in the dorm. None of them say anything, none of them know what to do. All they do know, is that everything has to change now.
On Saturday morning, at nine am, Kurt is sitting between Nick, and Jeff in the Worthington Hall, listening to Wes go on and on about how fantastic it is to be in the Warblers, and how much of a tight knit group they are. Kurt wants to roll his eyes, but he's been awake since three, and he can't get the image of Blaine, the pain in his eyes, out of his head. It's killing him, knowing that Blaine saw him like that, saw him when he was at the lowest of lows, and he wants to be mad at Nick for calling his boyfriend, but logically, he can't. Blaine is up first for the speech, and Kurt is grateful that it isn't him, because he doesn't have anything to say that will inspire, and he doesn't know where he's going to college, or what he's going to do, or where he wants to end up. What he does want, is answers to the questions he knows his father has been hiding from him. He wants to know why his mother left, and why she hasn't come back, and what the hell is wrong with him. He's not a rational person most of the time, but something about his behaviour is off, and according to Nick, it's not the first time. Kurt listens as Blaine talks about what it's like to be the Lead Warbler, how much fun it is, what a great extra-curricular activity it is, and how good it will look on a college application. He also talks about the wonderful (and crazy) friends he's made, and how being a Warbler has changed his life in so many different ways. Then he talks about where he's going to school, and tells the incoming freshmen that he hasn't made up his mind, but when he does, he's going to make the right choice for him. He thanks them, and they clap, letting Blaine return to his seat on the other side of Nick. He had purposely not sat next to his boyfriend, because he doesn't want to see that look of pity or hurt in his eyes. When it's his turn, he stands, moves over to the podium, and pulls out the one piece of paper he wrote something on this morning. Nick leans over to whisper something to Jeff, who nods once.
'Hello incoming freshmen, my name is Kurt Hummel. I was a transfer last year, so I haven't been with the Warblers for that long, but I can agree with everything that Blaine said. It's a great group of people, and I'm sure if they weren't graduating, Wes, David and Thad would love to get to know you all. College is a large step forward for all seniors, but I don't know where I'm going. I haven't thought that far ahead. If I could give you one piece of advice for highschool, it would be to keep your chin up, hands clean, and mind on the work. Everything else can wait till later. Go after what you want, don't let nothing stop you,' he finished, leaving the podium, and the stage, heading towards his dorm room, sighing when he heard Blaine behind him
'Babe, that was a great speech,' Blaine said, reaching out to take Kurt's hand, but the taller boy flinched out of his grip, startling Blaine
'Thanks. I'm going home for the weekend. I'll see you on Monday,' Kurt replied, turning to enter his room, without kissing or hugging Blaine
'Kurt wait….' Blaine said, but the door was closed in his face, not slammed, just closed.
He's contemplated it a lot in the last seven years. He's sitting on the bathroom floor, staring at the razor sitting in front of him, thinking about whether or not it would be worth it. He wonders what it would feel like, if he'd even feel it in the first place. Would it stings? Would the blood bleed red, or some mahogany colour? Would anyone miss him if he did it? He knows that Nick would have a hard time, but he's probably better off without Kurt in his life, besides, he has all his Westerville friends. That kid Jeff and him seem pretty close, even though Kurt's only met him once, and they've only been in the same room together once, he knows there is something between the two. If he decides the time has come to leave, then he knows Nick wold be okay with Jeff. He'd do fine, probably get into a great college, and make a name for himself. Who wouldn't want that? Well apart from Kurt, who doesn't really know what he wants right now. But he's staring at the razor, and it's like it's calling to him, and he wonders if part of that is because his mother is actually dead, and this is her spirit. He's not a spiritual person, so he doesn't know why he'd believe something like that, but if Rachel can talk about that kind of thing happening to her, why couldn't it happen to someone who doesn't believe in that stuff? It's ten in the morning on a Saturday. His father is at work, and he lied and said he was going to Mercedes' house to spend the day with her, but he can't get up. He doesn't want to get up, because he has needs too, and maybe that razor can fulfil those for him. But something makes him get up off the bathroom floor, grab his cell, and keys and call Mercedes to get her mother to come pick him up. He doesn't know what it is, but it's something, not something very strong, but it's there.
He wonders, on the way to Mercedes' house, in the car, how easy it would be just to walk out in front of one, let it hit you. It would be easy, wouldn't it? Quick, simple, and painless. After a second, you wouldn't feel anything. He doesn't say much on the car ride to Mercedes' house, he doesn't say much at the best of times, but staring out the window has made him question leaving his house. It makes him ache for his house, in a way that he shouldn't know until he's old and dying in a nursing home. He shouldn't have that ache in his heart, but he does. He does because his mother is gone, his father is distant, and the only friends he has, lives in Westerville. Sure, Mercedes and Rachel are nice, but he wouldn't count them friends, more like acquaintances. He's silent, but in his head he's making a list, reasons for wanting to stay, and reasons for wanting to go, and at the moment, the latter is winning out. He has two more things on the reasons for wanting to go list, than he does for the stay list. He's not a stupid twelve year old. He's quite smart, and he knows that this isn't something that he should be dealing with at his age, but he is and he has to do it alone, because dragging other people into this… it won't end well. When they arrive at Mercedes' house, she's the first out of the car, followed by her mother, and then Kurt. He climbs out, for a moment, just watching the movement of cars flowing up the street behind him, turns to see the young girl smiling, and decides that today isn't the day. Today he wants to live, but he's not sure if that's going to be his feeling all the time.
It starts out as good, clean, practical jokes. Puck buys a bunch of taxidermy Warbler birds, puts them in a cage, and makes the joke that they can't "break free". He sends this to Wes, with the soundtrack from the Queen Song playing through the small speakers. Rachel calls that afternoon, and tells them that the prank war has officially begun, and they'll see them at Nationals after Christmas. Given that it's still November, and thanksgiving is only a week away, Kurt is positive they'll see each other before then, but he admires the girls work. Earlier in the day, Finn had called him, and explained that he and Rachel have decided, that after highschool, they're breaking up, and going their separate ways, that if it's meant to be, it will be. Kurt can understand that, and motions to move that Finn come over to his dorm and they can have a boy's night, but he says that due to the conditions laid out in Wes' "GUIDE TO THE PRANK WAR" he's not allowed on Dalton grounds. Kurt just chuckles, hearing paper flip over the phone, but promises Finn that if he needs to talk, he'll be there. Finn thanks his brother, and hangs up the phone. Kurt had passed on the information to the relevant people, and whilst they were saddened for them, it didn't stop Wes from unleashing the twins, Elijah and Emmanuel on the unsuspecting New Directions. This will not end well Kurt thought, as he wants the two twins plotting in the corner of the Warbler rehearsal room, where they've been locked down in rehearsals for the last three days. This has been the plan for the last two weeks. They've had nothing but rehearsals since the Parade, and their vocal chords are beginning to dry up. They need a break, and whilst the prank war will still be on-going, Miss Price suggests that Wes and David promote a "Warbler Slack-Off Day" where for one day, she'll let them miss school, and do whatever they want, because they've been working so hard. Kurt just rolls his eyes at the teacher's misplaced enthusiasm, and goes back to his Physics assignment.
He's in the middle of a basketball game, one-on-one, with Nick, when suddenly he's being pulled aside, and forced to sit down. He knows that Nick has been shaken since what happened two weeks ago, and he's given the boy the space that he needs, even though it's hard to be without Nick for that long, but now they're sitting here, beside one another, sweating from playing sport, and he wants to just burst out, apologise. He doesn't do it often enough, but the look in Nick's eyes stops him. He has something to say, and Kurt knows it's going to have something to do with going back to see Dr. Zucker. His nightmares have been getting worse. It's not like he can control them right now, and that's maybe what makes him take Nick seriously this time, by agreeing to go back and see Dr. Zucker. He promises that he will, calling his father to let him know that he'll be staying at the house tonight, and that Nick has convinced him to start seeing the psychiatrist again. Burt is proud of his son for making the decision, and calls to Nick to come over as well. Kurt smiles when he agrees, and shoots the ball from where he's standing, on the opposite end of the court, getting it in the hoop first time, and leaving his best-friend speechless. It always surprises Nick, the things that Kurt can do without other people knowing. Sports, video games, music, languages… it's amazing. He himself couldn't be prouder of Kurt, and tells him that several times throughout their one-on-one game, messing around with him on the court. They're in the middle of making a bet with one another, when Jeff, Riker, Blaine, Wes, David, Thad, and the Twins enter the gym, and take a seat in the bleachers.
'I didn't know Kurt could play basketball like that,' Wes said loudly, drawing the attention of the two on the court, and Blaine couldn't help but gape when he saw Kurt, in sports attire, hair mussed, beads of sweat on his forehead… it was hot
'Kurt, you didn't tell us you could play sport like that,' David said
'I don't tell you a lot of things David. I have many talents, but they wouldn't be hidden talents if I told you about them now would they?' Kurt asked, smirking and dodging Nick, to shoot another slam dunk, hi-fiving his friend
'Come on losers, pick sides and join our bet. First to get thirty ball in the hoop in a row, gets whatever money is put in,' Nick said, and the other Warblers pull their wallets out… and that is how Kurt paid for Blaine's Christmas present that year.
That night, when Kurt was at home, having finally gotten rid of Finn, he went into the study, and over to the computer. It was the only computer in the house, that doesn't slow down when you connect to the wifi, for some reason, all their other computers do. But he was surprised, when he opened the laptop, and the screen lit up, to see that his father had left his last page open, a map with tabs, pinpointing locations all across America. There was one in Indianapolis, Chicago, Texas, Ohio… he closed the map and tried to locate the link, which led him to a file, hidden amongst other document folders on his father's computer. It was entitled Elizabeth. Simple as that, his father had been tracking his mother for all these years, and had told him nothing about it. He's been hiding this big thing from him, and without knowing it, has been lying to Kurt. The countertenor just stares at the folder for a second, wondering if he should just open it, get it over with, but instead decides to send himself an email, he'll read it at school when Nick is around and can help him understand why his father would keep something like this from him. He's just logged out of the computer when his father enters and freezes, like a dear in the headlights, and asks Kurt what he's looking at. Kurt lies, saying he was on the internet, and looking at his dad like he's crazy when he asks if he found anything he shouldn't. Kurt just hid his hurt, lying and saying that he hadn't, and that if he had, he'd never let his father live it down, pretending to think it was something other than what it was. After Kurt left the room, Burt quickly turned the computer back on, and went through everything seeing past history… Finn had taught him how to be pretty computer savvy… but he didn't find anything that would suggest his son had found the folder he keeps hidden amongst other things. There was nothing to suggest that Kurt knows that for the last thirteen years, he's been tracking his mother, and that all this time, he's been close to finding out where she is… close to getting answers. But what is, and what never can be, is still yet to be determined.
A/N: Next Chapter: Wes and David launch "Operation Warbler-Slack-Off-Day", and Kurt uses the opportunity to inquire about the LSATS. Christmas comes a little too quickly for their liking, and Kurt discovers that he got a high enough mark on his LSATS to get into Harvard, which makes Blaine immensely proud of his boyfriend. The New Directions step up the Prank War, and use Brittany as bait, when Wes and the Twins take things to the extreme. As they prepare for National's, Nick and Burt get together to uncover some rather revealing information about Elizabeth, and keep it from Kurt. The Anderson's invite Kurt to spend Christmas with them, and after talking to Burt, happily agrees to spend the morning with them, and the afternoon with his father and Carole. Flashbacks include: Nick deals with Kurt's rebellious streak, the first time Kurt decides to harm himself, the introduction of the New Directions to his boyfriend, and Kurt and Blaine's first date. Read and Review. Enjoy. JusticeIsn'tEasy0083. D.