Back Inside the Mind of the Enigma

June 7, 2009

Am very upset right now. I just got screwed out of my damn title by that dirty rotten CM Punk! The bastard took it from me! Matt's trying to tell me to calm down and he's trying to remind me that it's all a storyline, but I think there's more to this than everyone else even knows. I think Punk is an evil alien that has brainwashed the creative team into giving him my belt. *Gasps!* Oh God, if he can brainwash them, that means he could get Matt and Shawn and Hunter if I don't stop him!

Two hours later

My confrontation with Punk was very enlightening. I walked up to him (wearing a football helmet to protect my brain of course--despite what Edge says, I am not a moron) and I called him out on what he really was. "I know what you are," I growled.

He tried to look innocent. "What the hell does that mean?"

"You are a brain washing, title stealing alien!" I shouted angrily. I didn't care if people were staring at me like I was crazy. I was way beyond pissed. "And don't try to deny it because I can see through your lies, you UFO! I know why they gave you my title!"

Punk just looked at me with the dumbest expression on his face. "Have you gone completely fucking insane? I mean really, I want to know so I can tell Matt what he needs to deal with."

"You stay away from Matt!" I shouted angrily. "You take his brain and I'll kill you!" I kicked the bastard in the shins and then ran away. I was going to have to look up how to destroy aliens before I make my next move. I don't want him to take me up on his spaceship and do weird things to me. Because he so would you know. He's a pervert like that."

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June 8, 2009

Have been researching aliens all day by watching Men in Black, Men in Black 2, Alien, and Independence Day. And I now know how to get rid of Punk. Will Smith must kill him. Will Smith is a bad mother fucker and he could kick Punk's alien ass any day of the week. But of course I didn't know how I was going to get him do to it. I mean, he's probably got a lot of people trying to get him to kill aliens for him. But then again, I'm a famous wrestler, so he might do it for me.

Matt walked in as I was trying to find Will Smith's phone number. He knows I'm up to something, but he doesn't know what yet. "I'm not going to tell you what I'm up to," I informed him.

"Oh yes you will," he countered. "Punk told me you accused him of being an alien and if I know you, you're planning on doing something about it."

I glared at him. He was always such a fucking know it all. I had to make him go away before he spoiled my plans completely. "Maria and Candice want to paint your room pink," I blurted out.

Matt's face turned a funny color. "They want to what?" he said in disbelief.

"They want to paint your room pink," I repeated. "They think it will give the room more character."

I had personally never seen Matt more horrified in my life. "Damn it to hell!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. "I told them to leave my room alone!"

I laughed as he stormed off. "What a maroon," I said under my breath as I went back to trying to get a hold of Will Smith. I had an alien to destroy after all.

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June 9, 2009

Okay, so this Will Smith plan is not working out. According to his agent, he is just an actor and doesn't actually kill aliens in his spare time. I'm pissed and I'm thinking about suing because of false advertising. I mean, who the fuck only kills aliens in movies? Come on Will: the real world needs protecting too!

Aw fuck it, I'll find someone else to help me take down Punk. It can't be Matt because he won't do it, no matter how much I annoy him. Hunter's busy trying to get Stephanie pregnant yet again and Shawn's too scared of getting an anal probe to go near an alien (although I doubt he even knows what one of those are). So who does that leave me? Well, I've thought and thought about it, and I've come up with the perfect answer: Shelton Benjamin. I mean, he kind of looks like Will Smith…okay, maybe not, but who cares? The important thing is that he's dumb enough to let me morph him into a kick ass alien killer, which is good enough for me.

Oh, and I also found out from Beth that if I don't stop talking about candy in my sleep, I'm going to have to start sleeping on the couch. Am now pouting and wanting to call her a bad name, but I won't because she's holding a broom and she will hit me with it. Damn witch…

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June 10, 2009

Mother fucking hell! Fate is not on my side! Shelton's home visiting his momma, so now I have nobody to help me destroy Phil. You know what? Fuck this. I'm just going to have to do this myself. I am going to be the white version of Will Smith. Now if you can excuse me, I have an alien to kill and a title to reclaim.

Two hours later

Jeff, honey, this is Beth. Phil is not an alien. I have been telling you that for the last several days, but obviously you have not been listening. So I figured maybe if I wrote it down, you would read it. At least I hope you will. Oh, and honey, I read your diary earlier and I warned Shelton to run away. There's no need for him to get involved in your weirdness. I also warned Phil so I don't think you're going to find him.

Oh by the way, Shawn thinks you took his new Guitar Hero game. If you did, please give it back. You know it's not nice to steal.

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June 11, 2009

Beth's plan has failed! I found Phil and I hit him over the head with a shovel, tied him up and then left him in a room where there was a TV that was only playing Hannah Montana reruns. You see, because it's not murder if his own head just combusts from that crappy show. Just because I know Phil's an alien doesn't mean anyone else would believe me (and yes Beth, I'm talking to you, you diary reading bat). Oh, but the best part is, I stole my title back! It's mine again and I'm never letting it go!

Oh, and on a side note, I don't have Shawn's fucking Guitar Hero game. Hunter took it--he is the culprit in this situation. I really wish you people would not blame me when stuff goes missing. Just because I occasionally like to borrow stuff without permission and not give it back does not mean I'm a thief. I am just a borrower.

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June 12, 2009

Okay, I lied: I do have Shawn's Guitar Hero game. And I'm not sorry that I took it. MAWAHAHAHA!

Oh fuck, wait a second--Phil's still alive and he looks pissed. Gotta run before he tries to take me and do weird experiments on me on his spaceship!