Inside the Mind of the Enigma Part 2

April 23rd, 2010

I want to kill Drew McIntyre. I really do. But it's not because he's being a big dickface to Matty. Oh no, my reason for hating him is much more important. It's so important that it's kept me from sleeping for the past two nights. It's actually so bad that I don't even want to write it down. But I'm going to because I need to get this off my chest before I explode into little tiny pieces.

He said Skittles were stupid and needed to die.

*pauses for dramatic effect*

Now I ask you this diary: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM???? Seriously…I don't know if there are words to describe how upset I am. There's no way that he's human. No human can diss Skittles like that. So what does that make him? An alien? Hmmm…no, can't be. Phil's an alien and I know he likes Skittles. And he can't be a vampire because he's not as pale as Sheamus…oh, I know what he is! He's a demon! That's the only reasonable explanation. Damn it, what's with Vince and hiring things that aren't human? I feel like Matt should complain or something.

Uh oh, Beth's coming over here. I should probably hide this thing. She seems to think I'm always plotting bad things in here. *snorts* I don't see how saving the world from evil demons is bad, but hey, to each his own. Or her own in this case. Unless she's been hiding something from me for all these years..

April 24th, 2010

After watching Supernatural for the past twelve hours, I am now educated enough to take down the evil demon that poses as the Intercontinental champion. Now all I need to do is get some salt and convince Matt to help me out with this whole thing. The Winchester brothers are very effective as a team but me and Matt can be like a hundred billion times more effective if we teamed up to hunt demons.

Ugh, why is Hornswoggle bugging me again. I swear, this freaking little leprechaun…ha! I just kicked him across the room! Shit, no wonder Hunter does that all the time. It was fun!

Okay, back to business. I need to figure out a way to convince Matt to go along with this plan. I know he's really into logical reasons for doing stuff, but that's exactly what I'm bad at. I'm an enigma damn it. No wait, I'm the fucking Charismatic Enigma. Logic ain't my bag baby. But still, I am going to need a plan. Matt likes plans. No wait, scratch that; he freaking LOVES plans. He loves them more than a fat kid loves cake. And you know how those fat kids are. They eat cake like it's the only cake left in the whole wide world! Hmmm…speaking of cake, I need to have Beth make me one. I can't make one myself because I always burn it. That makes me sad but oh well. I want good cake not burned up bad cake.

April 26th, 2010

Holy crap…I fell so lucky to be alive diary. Seriously, the past couple of day have been insane. After Beth made me a double layer double chocolate cake, I went over to Matt's house and found him playing with his computer. I think he was either on Twitter or Myspace. He likes those a whole bunch. I don't really but that's because people on the internet get mad when I don't use the space bar properly. Which really, I have to ask this: what if I don't want to use the space bar? Huh? It's not that I'm stupid or high to use. I just fucking don't like the thing. So there. Suck on that bitch tits.

Anyway, let's get back to the story.

"Uh oh," Matt said as I approached him.

"What?" I said innocently.

"Don't give me that look. You can't fool me. You're plotting something aren't you?"

I sighed. Matt knew me way too well. "Oh come on Matt, this is important," I insisted. "Drew McIntyre is a demon and he needs to be destroyed."

Matt blinked in surprise. "What did you just say?" he asked.

"Drew's a demon," I repeated. "And we need to play the role of the Winchester brothers so we can destroy him."

"The who brothers?"

"The Winchester brothers! Damn it, don't you watch Supernatural?"

"No," Matt replied.

I twitched and then slapped Matt across the face. "Damn it Matt! You can't be behind socially like this!" I shook my head before grabbing Matt's arm and pulling him up to his feet. "I guess I'll have to train you from scratch then."

Matt tried to fight me. He really did. But I didn't let him. I quickly got him acquainted with the demon fighting ways of the Winchester brothers. Now I couldn't get a gun to fire rock salt out of but I did have plenty of salt. And salt was a good weapon, according to Supernatural. Demons were afraid of salt, which explained Drew not eating French fries like a normal person.

"Jeff, I still think this is completely ridiculous," Matt said in exasperation. After I got him caught up to speed on the whole demon fighting business, I dragged him to the Smackdown locker room to begin our hunt for the Scottish demon. "Just because McIntyre is an asshole to me doesn't mean that he's a demon."

"I know but he also said Skittles must die," I replied. "And that--"

"Oh my God, is that what this is about? SKITTLES?!" Matt appeared to be angry about that.

I simply put my hand up to shush him because I thought I heard something. "Did you hear that?" I asked.

"Hear what?" Matt asked.

"Bagpipes," I replied. "I hear bagpipes."

Matt looked at me like I was absolutely insane. "I don't hear bagpipes Jeff," he informed me. "And you don't either."

"Well I don't now because you scared them away!" I snapped. I turned around and glared at him. "Why are you being so difficult about this? Why can't you be supportive? I mean, sure I'm doing it mostly for the Skittles but I'm also helping YOU out here! We kill Drew and then he stops beating the crap out of you and you might even get the Intercontinental title!"

Matt just sighed. "But Jeff he's not--oh crap."

I saw that he was staring at something behind me, so I turned back around. Drew was walking by and he sneered at me as he walked by. Determined to not let him get away, I took my salt and threw it right in his eyes. "Be gone Satan!" I yelled. "Eat this and go back to hell!" I tried to pour the salt into his mouth, figuring that could do the trick since I didn't have a gun or anything. But then he blindly knocked the salt out of my hands and started throttling me. "Help me!" I yelled. "Matty!"

Matt groaned before grabbing an empty coffee pot and smashing it over Drew's head. That knocked him out but before I could finish him off, Matt began dragging me away. "Hey! What are you doing?" I asked in confusion. "We have to finish the job!"

"No we do not," Matt replied. "Let me make this perfectly clear to you Jeff. Demons are not real. That means Drew cannot be a demon. But what is real is Vince McMahon and he is going to kill us when he sees what has happened to his golden boy."

So not only did I not get to kill Drew, but I probably really pissed him the fuck off. And now I'm counting down the days before he comes and tries to slaughter me. Beth thinks I've really lost it this time, but I haven't. I know what's really out there. Demons, aliens, vampires…they have to be stopped.

But not by me. At least not today. Right now, I'm going to hide under my covers and watch more Supernatural. Obviously I needed more training and the Winchesters were going to get it for me.

…

A/N: This is what happens when you let your Jeff muse watch Supernatural with you *glares at Jeff*

Jeff: *still hiding and plotting to kill Drew*