Into the Woods, Part One

"Are you sure you know where you're going?" Stephanie asked Hunter.

Hunter sighed loudly, resisting the urge to glare at his wife and ruin his sex life for the next week. "Yes dear," he assured her. "I know exactly where we're going." He was driving himself, Stephanie, Jeff, Matt and Shawn to a show in Richmond, Virginia. They were technically still in West Virginia, but hopefully that would change soon. Hunter hadn't minded the state when they were going through the cities and small towns, but now that they were in the middle of nowhere, he was starting to get the creeps.

"Oh really?" Stephanie didn't sound convinced. "Then why have we've driven past that same farmhouse six times in the past ten minutes?"

Hunter blinked in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

Stephanie pointed to a farmhouse up ahead. "You see that place up ahead?"

"Yeah." It looked really familiar for some reason.

"This is the place that you've been driving past over and over again. You're fucking going in circles you idiot." She reached over and slapped the back of his head.

"Ow!" he complained loudly, almost waking up the others in the backseat. "Why would you do that? That's spousal abuse."

She gave him a disbelieving look. "Sweetheart, if I ever actually started abusing you, you would know it. Now drive over to that farmhouse. It looks like someone's home and maybe they can give us directions."

Hunter stared at her in disbelief. "Are you insane? I'm not going to that place!"

"Why the hell not?"

"Two reasons. One, I'm a guy. We do not ask for directions. That's a chick thing. And the second reason is that place looks like it could be out of a horror movie or something. What if there's a family housing a chainsaw wielding madman living in there? What if there are a bunch of inbred hillbillies that will want to either kill us or make us squeal like pigs? Or what if-"

Suddenly they ran over something and Hunter let out a girly scream as the front tire on his side went flat. That scream woke Jeff up, who screamed because Hunter did, thereby waking up Matt and Shawn.

"Oh my God what's happening?" Shawn asked as Hunter slammed on the brakes. "What's going on? Why are we screaming?"

"It's the Russians!" Jeff exclaimed. "Oh my God we're going to die!"

"It's not the damn Russians!" Stephanie snapped, sounding like she wanted to slap the crap out of all of them. "Our tire went flat."

Hunter got the vehicle to come to a full stop before putting on the brakes and clutching his pounding heart. "Oh my God, the crazy hillbillies put nails in the road," he said in horror.

Stephanie smacked him upside the head again. "I sincerely doubt that." She unbuckled her seatbelt and opened her car door. "I'm going to go to the farmhouse and try to get directions. Then I'm going to come back and change the tire so we can get back on the road."

"You don't know how to change a tire," Shawn snorted in disbelief.

Stephanie turned around and glared at him. "Who says?"

"Well you're a girl, aren't you?" Shawn asked innocently.

Matt shook his head and put his hand over Shawn's mouth. "I'm going to stop you right there before your mouth writes a check your ass can't cash."

"Too late for that," Stephanie muttered. She looked at Hunter. "I'll be back."

"Wait!" Hunter cried out. He unbuckled his seatbelt and began chasing after her. As much as this place scared him, he couldn't let Stephanie run off by herself. Crazy hillbillies liked taking women and making them into meals. This was a scientifically proven fact and he could not allow it to happen to his wife.

Stephanie let out a sigh as she stopped and waited for him to catch up with her. "You're not going to make a total jackass out of yourself, are you?" she asked in exasperation.

"Of course not," he replied. He grabbed her hand and let her lead him along towards their doom. "When have I ever done that?"

"Do you really want me to answer that question?" she asked.

He sighed and shook his head. "No, I suppose not."

To get to the farmhouse, they had to walk across a field with grass that went almost all the way over Stephanie's chest. "Here, use your mega boobies to push it out of the way," he said. He grabbed her by the arms and started steering her through the ample amount of grass.

Stephanie looked back and glared at him. "Would you stop? That's not helpful."

"So says you. I say differently." He continued pushing her along, only stopping when they heard something howl in the distance. "What was that?" he asked nervously.

"It was nothing," Stephanie insisted, trying to start moving again. "Now come on. We need to go."

Hunter refused to budge. "Nothing doesn't howl like that!" He winced as he heard the howl again. "Oh God, it's a man eating coyote isn't it? Dear Jesus we are going to die!"

"No we're not damn it!" Stephanie growled. She turned around and popped Hunter right across the face. "Now snap out of it!"

That worked…for a few seconds anyway. Then they heard another howl and the sound of Shawn screaming his head off. That set Hunter off like a firecracker being lit up under his ass. "Little buddy!" he yelled, turning back around and running back towards the car. "Little buddy!"

"Hunter!" Stephanie yelled. She was already chasing after him. "Hunter calm down!"

Hunter refused to calm down though. He ran all the way back to the car and was horrified to see that Shawn was gone. Jeff and Matt were gone too, but he didn't care about them as much. Shawn was the one who was important to him.

"Help!" Shawn could be heard screaming in the woods that were on the other side of the road. "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

"Shit," Hunter cursed. He didn't want to go in there but he had to. Matt and Jeff had probably left poor Shawn to fend for himself.

"Hunter-" Stephanie started to say when she caught up with him. "You-"

Hunter cut her off with a kiss. If this was a movie there would be a shit load of romantic music right now. "If I don't come back in five minutes, you come and you rescue me, alright?" Without waiting for her answer, he let her go and ran into the woods. "Hold on Shawn, I'm coming!"