Into the Woods, Part 3

"Matt where are we?" Jeff asked.

"For the last time, I don't fucking know!" Matt snapped. It felt like Jeff had asked that same question a hundred times already and not getting that he was no closer to actually being able to answer the question. When they had started panicking blindly back by the car, they had just took off running as fast as possible, losing Shawn and themselves in the process. Matt was mentally kicking his own ass for being an idiot and Jeff was just refusing to shut the fuck up and quit complaining.

Jeff let out a whine and flinched away from Matt. "Why are you yelling at me?" he asked tearfully. "I was just asking a question. You didn't have to yell at me like that!"

"I did not yell at you. You're completely exaggerating."

"I am not! You yelled at me because you're a big poopy head who doesn't love me anymore!"

Matt scowled and struggled to keep himself from hitting Jeff. Violence wouldn't do anything but make Jeff whine like an even bigger baby. "Jeff, I love you very very much. I really do. But you are getting on my last nerve, so kindly shut the fuck up before I lose my mind completely."

"Asshole," Jeff muttered. He folded his arms over his chest and began to pout. Luckily he did that quietly, so it allowed Matt to have a little bit of peace. Now if I only knew how the hell to get back to the road…

"Matty?"

Matt sighed at the sound of Jeff's timid voice. "What is it Jeff?" He really hoped that his brother wasn't about to say something stupid. He was going to strangle him if he did.

Jeff hesitated for a moment before grabbing Matt's arm and hugging it tightly. "I heard a scary noise."

"We're in the woods in the middle of the night. You're going to hear noises that sound scary."

"But this one was really really scary," Jeff claimed. He whimpered as he heard a twig snap in half. "I think there's a bear following us."

Matt closed his eyes, took a deep breath and slowly and silently counted to ten. "Jeff," he said very slowly and deliberately. "There are no bears in these woods."

"Oh yeah?" Jeff challenged. "How do you know that?"

"Because I do."

"That's not a good answer Matty."

"Ugh…damn it Jeff, why are you being such a big baby?" Matt literally was doing everything in his power to keep himself from throttling Jeff. "We grew up playing in woods, this shouldn't be an issue for you."

"We grew up playing in our woods," Jeff corrected. "I knew our woods and they were not full of scary things." He looked around nervously, jumping yet again when he heard an owl hoot. "This is a strange woods Matty. There could be a whole country of bears living in this forest and we wouldn't even know about it!"

Matt let out a long, tired sigh. "Jeff, if there are bears in here, I will make sure that they won't eat us. And if I fail, I will make sure they eat me first so you have a chance to get away."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"Yay. I love my big brother." Jeff gave Matt a big hug, refusing to let go until yet another thought popped into his brain. "Ooooh, what if it's a rabid raccoon? It could bite us and give us rabies you know. A bad raccoon like that once bit Mrs. White's cat and it went rabid and it had to shot by a shotgun along with the sheriff and the deputy."

Matt didn't even know what to say to that. His mind just went completely and totally blank on him. He didn't think they knew anyone named Mrs. White…and a rabid cat that resulted in the deaths of a sheriff and a deputy would have surely been in the news. "Alright then," he said slowly. "I'll watch out for that."

"Good." Jeff switched to just hugging Matt's arms as they continued on their way. For awhile Matt tried to follow the North Star, but then he realized it was just an airplane and felt like a tremendous jackass. "Damn it all to hell…"

"Matt! Jeff! One of you idiots answer me!"

Matt perked right up at the sound of that voice. Thank God! We're saved! "Stephanie! Help us!"

"Matt! Come to the sound of my voice!"

"You'll see her tits first!" Hunter chimed in. "You'll see them from a mile away!" That probably earned him a nice big slap from his wife.

"Come on Jeff," Matt said. "Lets-" Jeff screamed, which made Matt jump about a foot in the air as he turned around. "What?" he nearly yelled. "What's the matter?"

"I saw someone!" Jeff said hysterically. He hid behind Matt and hugged him so tightly that he couldn't breathe. "I did I did I swear I did!"

"Where?" Matt was looking all around and he didn't see anyone.

Jeff pointed to one of the trees. "He's hiding behind there. He's big Matty. Really big."

"Well let's just keep going," Matt said nervously. He knew very well that Jeff could just be saying things but the hysteria of the situation was starting to get to him. "We can-"

"Ackkkk! There he is again! It's a backwards inbred hillbilly that's going to eat us!"

Matt squinted his eyes as a familiar figure stepped out from behind the tree. "Uh…Jeff, that's just Snitsky." What the hell is Snitsky doing in these woods? And why is he looking at me like that? Oh God, he's undressing me with his eyes! That dirty pervert!

"Same difference!" Jeff replied. He started running away and Matt decided to follow him. "Stephanie! Save us!"

"Jeff-"

"SNITSKY IS GOING TO EAT-OW!" Jeff collided directly into Shawn, causing both of them to fall to the ground.

"Jeff? What the hell is wrong with you?" Hunter asked angrily as he helped Shawn back up. "You can't hit Shawn like that. He's delicate."

"I'm delicate too!" Jeff claimed. He got back up and dusted himself off. "And anyway, it's not my fault I ran into him. Matty and I were running from Snitsky."

"Snitsky?" Stephanie said in confusion. "What was he doing out here?"

"I don't know," Matt replied. "We didn't exactly stop to ask him."

"Uh…guys?" Shawn said hesitantly. "I think we have more company."

The others looked around and saw that Shelton Benjamin, Jimmy Wang Yang, Katie Lea, Mike Knox, and Mickie James were all coming towards them in a slow, old fashioned zombie like fashion. "Guys?" Matt said nervously. "What are you all-"

"Jobs," Shelton croaked out. "We…want…jobs…"

"Holy shit," Hunter muttered. "Is this where everyone goes when they get released?"

"I don't know," Stephanie replied. "All I know is that we should RUN!"

She didn't have to tell any of them twice. They took off running as fast as they could, the zombie versions of their former colleagues slowly trailing after them. With Stephanie leading the way, they managed to get out of the woods, only to find a creepy guy trying to hook their car to the back of his ratty old pickup truck.

"Fire!" Stephanie yelled. She punched the guy and then slammed her knee into his face, knocking him out. "In the truck!" she shouted. "Get in get in get in!"

"But it's dirty!" Jeff protested.

Matt rolled his eyes and literally tossed Jeff in beside Hunter and Shawn and then getting in himself. "Steph, get us the hell out of here."

"Oh I will," she promised. "And I will never EVER travel with you idiots again. This is not good for my health at all."