Jeff's Countdown to Doomsday

I have come to discover that the world is going to end very soon. 2012 is the year we're all going to die…but it's not on the day all the other "nut jobs" and "conspiracy theorists" think it's going to be. You see, they're all convinced it's going to happen on December 21st but I know better. The world won't end on the twenty first because that's when everyone is expecting it to end. The world likes to keep us on our toes so instead of ending on the day everyone thinks it will, it'll end the day afterwards just to fuck with us. Everyone is going to be so relieved when they don't die on the twenty first that they're not going to be prepared on the twenty second-everyone except me that is. I'm smart enough to know the world's plan and I'm going to be ready for the end of civilization as we know it.

The only question is though, how will the world be ending? That's the part I'm not too sure about. I mean is the planet just going to explode, or is there going to be a plague or are there going be a whole bunch of natural disasters all at once? Or are there going to be zombies? Are we going to turn into zombies or are zombies going to eat all of our brains? Or-and this is the scariest scenario of all-are Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber going to sing a duet.

…No, I can't even let myself continue thinking about that. The end of the world is cruel but it's not THAT cruel.

I guess there's really no way for me to know for sure how this is all going to end. I just have to prepare and expect the worst. Matt and Beth and everyone else think I've lost my mind again, which just shows what they know because I've never HAD my mind to begin with. You can't lose what you don't have and besides, I'll be the last one laughing when I survive the apocalypse and they don't.

…

Today dragged on for what felt like forever. I decided that the best way to survive the apocalypse is to build an underground bomb shelter, so I got started on that first thing this morning. At first I tried just digging my way down with a shovel but then I realized there was no way I was going to build my shelter with just that, even if I've got two years to do it. So I decided to be more practical and go and get the bulldozer Itchweeed always likes to use and started to use that to dig out the space for my bomb shelter. Of course that made Beth come outside and she was not happy with me for some reason.

"What the hell are you doing?" she yelled incredulously.

"Uh…construction work!" I replied. Why did she always have to bug me when I was in the middle of serious work? Didn't she have anything else better to do?

"Construction work?" she repeated angrily. "You're destroying the whole yard!"

"Yeah well it's going for a good cause!" I said defensively. "I'm building an apocalyptic bomb shelter!"

Beth continued to look at me like I was a fucking nut job, which was not something I appreciated. "An apocalyptic bomb shelter?" she repeated incredulously. "Why would you need to build one of those?"

"Because the world is ending in 2012!" I exclaimed in exasperation. Why did I always have to explain these things?

She took a very long, deep breath and shook her head slowly. "The world is not ending in 2012 Jeffro," she said slowly. "That's a bullshit-"

"It is not bullshit! It's a PROPHECY! Do you understand that?"

"I know what a prophecy is Jeffro. The question is, do you?"

"What I know is not the point!" I said stubbornly. "The point is-"

"The point is that you're fixing my backyard and you're taking you're stupid, crazy ass bomb shelter somewhere else! You understand me?"

I was going to object but then I saw the look on her face and changed my mind. If I didn't do what she said, I was facing a fate worse than the Miley/Bieber apocalypse scenario and that was not something I was going to put myself through ever.

…

Now it's one thing to know the end of the world is coming but it's another thing entirely to get other people to believe you about it. Matt is too "logical" to believe what I say, Beth's too mad about the yard to listen, Stephanie and Hunter don't have time for me because of their new baby, Rebecca isn't around all that much and Maria and Candice just kind of run away from me when I try to talk to them alone. Luckily though I have Shawn to talk to and he believes me because he's a good friend like that.

"There's got to be something we can do to stop this," he said as we mulled over this with chocolate chip cookies. "I mean, didn't the Incas have a backup plan to stop this?"

"First of all, it was the Mayans who predicted this, not the Incas," I corrected. "And second of all…well you've got a good point. There has to be something we can do to stop this."

"But what though? I mean, I've been thinking about this really hard and I don't know what to do!"

I pressed my lips together and thought even harder because obviously I was the brains of this operation. "What about a virgin sacrifice?" I finally asked.

Shawn raised his eyebrows. "A virgin sacrifice?"

"Yeah! That should work perfectly!"

"But where are we going to find a virgin here?"

I smirked smugly. "You just leave that to me."

…

"Guys this isn't funny!" Evan yelled as he struggled to get out of the handcuffs. I had taken him from the locker room and handcuffed him to the ring ropes so he couldn't run anywhere. "You better let me go or I'll-"

"You won't do nothing pipsqueak!" I snapped. God I hated virgin sacrifices that talked to much. It always ruined the damn mood. "Now hold still while Shawn and I do this."

"But I'm not even a virgin!" Evan yelled. "So this virgin sacrifice thing isn't going to work!"

Shawn snorted loudly. "Oh please Evan, look at you! I have a hard time believing you've ever had sex. I mean what are you, fourteen?"

"I'm twenty seven!" Evan snapped, making me and Shawn both laugh hysterically until…"

"Hardy! Michaels! What are you doing with my handcuffs?"

We both froze in fear. "You stole the handcuffs from Taker?" Shawn asked, looking like he wanted to pee his pants. "Are you insane?"

"Less talking, more running!" I hissed. We slid out of the ring and ran for the hills, just grateful that Mark's knees were bad and he couldn't catch us. I'm supposing he helped Evan get free but if they think this is over, it's not. It's not over by a long shot.