Jeff Does Maury

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a very special edition of The Jeff Hardy Show!" Jeff glared at the audience (which consisted of the referees, the ring crew and a handful of local jobbers) until they began to clap and act like they were happy to be there. "Today I am working to bring families together that are ripped apart by lies, deceit, possible infidelity and unknown DNA. Now-"

"Where's the popcorn," one of the jobbers asked. "You said there was going to be popcorn here."

Jeff's eyes narrowed angrily and he got up out of his chair, walked out into the audience and pimp slapped the guy who had dared to speak up without permission. "Shut your mouth before I popcorn your ass!"

"But that doesn't make s-OW!" The guy had gotten slapped again for daring to question Jeff's logic. Nobody questioned Jeff's logic, not even Jeff himself. It just wasn't allowed.

"Okay," Jeff said as he took his seat back "now that that's settled, let's bring out our first guests. One is a creepy blonde guy that used to be a controversial character with homosexual undertones and now he's just a creepy guy who humps Million Dollar Belts and a foreign chick who's name I don't remember and the other is a duck faced, chicken legged little shit who thinks he's dashing-"

"I am dashing!" came the yell from backstage.

"You're as dashing as Matt's anus!" Jeff shot back. "And believe me, that's NOT dashing!"

"Wait, what do you know about Matt's anus?" referee Charles Robinson asked.

Jeff responded to that by tossing a water bottle at his head. "Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Goldust and Cody Rhodes!"

Goldust got a lot more cheers than Cody did but also seemed more confused as to why they were there. "What is going on Jeff?" he asked as they sat down. "Why are we here? Cody said something about a DNA test-"

"Yes!" Jeff said excitedly. "Cody here thinks you're not his brother so we're here to settle that matter for once and all."

"But…Cody you KNOW we're brothers!" Goldust said in disbelief. "You KNOW-"

"I know no such thing!" Cody declared angrily. "You can't be my brother. Look at me and look at you! We're not related in any way."

"Cody stop it, you're being more ridiculous than the notion of you being dashing."

"I AM DASHING DAMN IT! I AM DASHING CODY RHODES AND YOU WILL ALL BOW BEFORE ME!"

Jeff giggled and held up the envelope with the DNA results. "Well I've got the results right here-"

"What? How could you have results?" Goldust asked incredulously. "You didn't even take DNA from me!"

Jeff ignored him and opened the envelope and took out the piece of paper inside. "Cody…Goldust…you ARE brothers!"

"What?" Cody whined. "No fair!"

"But there's more! Cody, Goldy, you have a half brother! Let's bring him out!"

A duck came walking across the stage and Cody got all pissy and stormed off and Goldust just stared at the duck before shaking his head and picking it up. "Come on Ducky. Let's go chase down poor Cody."

Jeff giggled. "Terrific. Now our next guest is here today to be proven what a dirty liar he is. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Matt Hardy!"

Matt came out on the stage, shaking his head at Jeff in disbelief. "Jeff this is absolutely ridiculous! What-"

"Shut up liar!" Jeff said, forgetting that he was supposed to be impartial and shit because he was the host. "Now did you or did you not once tell me I could "maybe" have a pony?"

"Jeff come on-"

"Answer the question!"

"Yes!" Matt confessed in exasperation. "I did okay? But maybe meant maybe so I never fully promised-"

"And didn't you promise me that you would buy me Skittles if I stopped annoying you?"

"You never actually stopped-"

"And didn't you say we could keep Justin Gaybriel? You said he could be our token gay honorary Hardy Boy and what happened to that? You let the Nexus take him-"

"Jeff now come on, I never actually said-"

"Silence infidel! I will not-" Jeff never got to finish that sentence because Shawn suddenly came out of nowhere and kicked him in the face, knocking him out cold.

"Shawn!" Matt said in exasperation. "What the hell did you do that for? You hurt him!"

Shawn just shrugged. "I did it because I'm a Sexy Boy!" He kicked Matt for good measure before skipping off and singing his own theme song as he went, making the audience of the Jeff Hardy Show wonder what the hell they just witnessed.