How to Survive a Nexus Attack

Raw opened up with a video package that Vince had no idea even existed. Once he saw it he wasn't going to be happy because it had been shown without his permission but none of the people who were involved in the making of it gave a shit so it was all good to them. The video started out with Stephanie standing in Teddy Long's office, and she had her hands folded in front of her and was giving the camera a very serious look. "This public service announcement was brought to you by D-Generation X, the Hardy Boyz and…my BREASTS?" Her eyes just about popped out of her head as she stared at the cue card she was reading. "Hunter! What the hell? Why are my boobs bringing anyone a public service announcement?"

"Steph have you seen the size of them?" Hunter asked from off camera. "They could bring us an entire newspaper's worth of news!"

Stephanie's eyes narrowed. Apparently she didn't take that as a compliment and the camera was knocked over as she stormed over to him to smack the crap out of him. After a few seconds it cut to Jeff, who smiled and bounced up and down on his heels. "In the past few months, WWE has been infected with a disease known as the Nexus. Their origins remain a mystery to me because I don't know what an NXT is nor do I want to find out. What I do know is that they have swept the WWE like a plague and we're all here today to talk about how to avoid or survive a Nexus attack." He rubbed his hands together and grinned. "My advice to everyone is this: get off the ship. Get out while you still can. TNA will gladly pick up just about any one of you because you're an ex-WWE star-well, unless you fail so much that THEY don't even want you. And if you go, sure you'll be confused by their inconsistent storylines and you'll probably be taking the spot of someone more talented who's been with that company from the beginning but who gives a shit? Just as long as you're safe from the Nexus, that's all that should matter."

Rosa Mendes randomly popped in and held up both of her thumbs. "Now you know!"

Next the camera went to Matt, who was sitting in an office chair in his living room. "Another way to avoid a Nexus attack is to post weird Youtube videos that involve you rambling on about something nobody really cares about and have it concern your boss about the state of your sanity."

Rosa Mendes popped in and sat on Matt's lap. "Now you know!"

"Bitch!" Candice yelled as she and Maria stormed into the room. "Get off our man you skank!"

"Whoa!" Matt yelled, scooting back and shaking his head in amazement as Rosa shouted something in Spanish and attempted to combat the other two women on her own. It didn't work out so well for her though. She just got the crap kicked out of her and when it became clear that no clothes were going to be lost in the process of this fight, the camera switched to Shawn and Hunter, who were standing side by side outside the arena.

"You can also get yourself injured and then go off to make one of WWE's crappy straight to DVD movies," Hunter said cheerfully.

"Or you could wrestle a rematch against the Undertaker and then retire the night afterwards so-oh wait, none of you bitches can do that," Shawn said, putting his hands on his hips and smirking smugly. "Because you all suck and I rule!" He threw back his head and laughed, which made Hunter just shake his head, both exasperated and kind of afraid of his best friend at the same time.

"O…kay then." He shook his head a bit more and went back to the business at hand. "Now, if for some reason you can't avoid their attack like we all have awesomely did, then you have to know how to survive one of their attacks. They've made it clear that they don't care about who or what it is in their path which sucks because that makes avoiding them that much harder to avoid. But there is hope."

"There is," Shawn agreed. He walked off camera for a moment so he could get a giant photo of Cena. "Stay away from this man. He's a Nexus magnet and if he's around then they can't be too far away. Now if you can't avoid him and the Nexus does come calling, throw him at them. They like beating him up and that will give you ample time to escape."

A battered and bruised Rosa came in and smiled, revealing she was missing one of her teeth. "Now you know!"

"Dude, what is the point of her being here?" Hunter asked Shawn.

Shawn shrugged. "I don't know. I'm surprised she even has a job with the company at this point." He flipped the picture over to reveal that Sheamus was on the back. "You could also make like Casper here and just run every time they come around. Somehow he's generally avoided their attacks-"

"HUNTER MAD! HUNTER SMASH!" Hunter grabbed his sledgehammer and began beating the fuck out of the picture, making Shawn jump out of the way in fright. "NO…MORE…EVIL…RONALD MCDONALD…AND CASPER…LOVE CHILD!"

"Now you-"

"No no," Shawn said as he shook his head at her. "Now's not the time."

"Oh." Rosa shuffled her feet unhappily before perking up and smiling for the camera again. "Welcome to Wal-Mart! Get your shit and get out!"

"Oh good grief!" Shawn lamented as Hunter continued to pound away at the picture of Sheamus. "You're stupider than Kelly Kelly!"

Next the camera went to Matt and R-Truth, who looked like he was pissed as hell about something. "Now, another way to avoid a Nexus attack-" Matt was interrupted by R-Truth, who decided that now was the best time for his grievance to be known.

"Vince McMahon does not care about black people."

Matt blinked and stared at his friend incredulously. "Dude…what does that got to do with anything? We're talking about the Nexus."

"The Nexus don't care about black people."

"True…that brings us to our next point. If you have to fight the Nexus off, target anyone that is not white. If you can get the best of them then the other members of Nexus will turn against them and-"

"Matt Hardy don't care about black people."

"Ron!" Matt said in exasperation. "Don't say that! I love black people!"

"I don't care about black people!"

"You're black! How can you-OW!" He had gotten smacked across the face for that comment. "Ron!" He shook his head as the other man stormed out. "What the fuck?"

The camera quickly cut to Jeff, who was standing with all the divas and Daniel Bryan. "If you want to avoid a Nexus attack, you should become a woman," Jeff said wisely. "Have you seen the Nexus ever attack any of these girls? I think not."

"And to survive an attack, you have to do one simple thing: choke a bitch." Bryan held up Justin Roberts' tie and grinned. "They say Michael Tarver and Skip Sheffield are injured but that's a lie. You see, they tried to attack me on my way into a hotel. They wanted to cause major bodily harm so I choked those bitches. You think those injury stories are legit? They're bullshit. I choked them until they turned blue and then I dumped the bodies in the river."

Jeff laughed nervously. "Yeah…great story. That sounded really believable for a minute."

Bryan's eyes narrowed. "Are you saying you don't believe me?"

Jeff eyed him for a moment before screaming and running out of the room. The divas all exchanged looks before shrugging and hamming it up for the camera. "And now you know!" they all said in unison.

"And knowing is half the battle," Bryan concluded.