Car Ride

"Cooking class?" Hunter said incredulously as Jeff drove along. Jeff had picked him up saying they had to go on a mission and foolishly he had believed him. Now apparently they were on their way to go improve their culinary skills and he was considering jumping out of the car while it was still moving. Cooking class was one of the last places he wanted to ever go; he absolutely hated cooking with a passion. The only thing that was worse than cooking was going to Vince and Linda's for dinner because their house smelled like a nursing home and it was disgusting. "Why cooking class?"

Jeff shrugged. "Why not?"

"Because cooking sucks."

"It does not," Jeff said in its defense.

"It does too!" Hunter insisted.

Jeff shook his head, not about to be swayed on the matter. "Dude, Beth said if I learned how to cook better, I would be knee deep in pussy. I bet Stephanie would-"

"Knee deep in the figurative sense or the literal?" Hunter asked purely to be a smartass.

Jeff frowned. "Literal?"

"Yeah. Do you stick your foot up her hoo-ha so you're literally knee deep in her-"

"Whoa!" Jeff's eyes just about popped out of their sockets and he quickly shook his head. "Dude, no! Why would I do that? That's screwed up. You're screwed up. I hope you know that."

Hunter smirked. He was very well aware of that but he wasn't going to admit to it. Not right now anyway. "I think you're protesting just a little too much Hardy," he said with a firm nod. "You know, whatever Beth and you do behind closed doors is totally fine with me, unless it involves animals. As long as it don't involve farm animals I won't judge you."

Jeff shook his head yet again, giving Hunter a look that clearly said he thought Hunter was insane. "You know, just because we're from the south doesn't mean we do inappropriate things to farms animals. Matt says that's a horrible stereotypes you Yankees came up with to be mean."

"Us Yankies?" Hunter could only shake his head in amusement. "Wow Jeff. Just…wow." He scratched his thigh and stared out the window. "So where is this class anyway?"

"Uh….uh…uh…"

"Uh? Uh is not an address Jeff!"

"Uh…" Jeff looked around his side of the car and then winced. "Uh oh."

"Uh oh?" Hunter REALLY did not like the sound of that. "Why did you say uh oh? Please tell me you just said it on accident. You didn't mean it right?"

Jeff continued to wince. "I uh…I left the paper with the address on it at home."

"What?" If Jeff hadn't been driving Hunter would have hit him in the face right then. "Why did you leave it at home if you weren't going to remember where this place is? What in the hell is wrong with you?"

Jeff stuck out his lower lip and it immediately began to tremble. "I didn't mean to!" he whined loudly. "I thought it was with me because I had it in my hand as I was heading to the car but then I couldn't find my keys so I think I set it down…don't give me that look! It was an accident!"

Hunter took a very long and irritated breath, fighting the urge to strangle Jeff harder than he had before. "Well let's just turn around and go back then," he finally said. "Maybe I'll get back before my game starts."

"Game?" Jeff said in confusion. "What game?"

"My football game."

"You play football?"

"No you goof! I'm going to watch football. Good grief, do I have to explain everything to you?"

"Yes," Jeff replied. He bounced along to the song that came on the radio but then stopped and frowned. "Wait, where are we?"

Hunter couldn't restrain himself this time. He reached across and bopped Jeff right upside the head. "How do you not know where we are?" he yelled. "You're the one whose driving! Damn it! I knew I shouldn't have let you drive! You always do this to us!"

Jeff's face twisted into a scowl and the next thing Hunter knew, Jeff was pulling over into a random parking lot and refusing to drive anywhere else. "You don't like the way I drive? Fine! You can walk back."

Hunter shook his head. "Dude, I'm not walking back."

"Oh yes you are," Jeff insisted. "You're mean and mean people are not allowed to ride the Jeff Express."

"Okay first of all, if that's what you really call your car, you're totally lame." That was not winning Hunter any favors at all but he couldn't help himself. His mouth was bigger than his brain was. "And second of all, I'm not walking back from here! We're in the ghetto! I'm going to get shot if I get out of the car!"

Jeff rolled his eyes. "We're not in the ghetto stupid. The ghetto is the next block over."

"How do you know that? I thought you didn't even know where we were?"

"Hey hey hey! Don't you question me!" Now it was Jeff's turn to slap Hunter. "This is MY car and its MY rules! Now I say get out!"

"Screw you, I'm not going anywhere," Hunter informed him. He pointed to a group of teenagers dressed in baggy pants that were standing on the corner. "See them? Those are probably gang bangers. And if I get out of the car, they'll see me as a rich white guy they can shoot and rob. And I don't want to be shot or robbed. That is not on my bucket list."

"Dude, I saw that movie," Jeff said, totally getting off track (it was too easy for him to do). "I was like 'man, these guys are all old and stuff'…and I got bored with it so I put in Happy Feet instead. Dancing penguins are the fucking bomb."

Hunter shook his head. "I like Madagascar better."

"What? Blasphemy!" Jeff slapped Hunter across the face. "Nothing beats dancing penguins! You hear me?"

"Dude I'm sorry, but Madagascar is way better-OW!" Jeff had just reached over and gave him a titty twister. "Bastard!" He put Jeff in a headlock and squeezed as hard as he could, making the younger man yelp in pain.

"Let go!" Jeff pleaded, trying to fight free but was being completely unsuccessful at it.

"You promise to quit being a doof and take me back?"

"Yes."

"Fine." Hunter let Jeff go. "Now let's go."

"Fine." Jeff was about to put the car back in drive when he looked over to his left and saw that they were right near a gas station. "Oooh! Lookie Hunter! They got slushies in there!" Without even waiting for Hunter's response, he got out of the car and ran for the building-leaving his keys right in the ignition in the process.

Hunter looked at the keys and then looked back at the gas station. "Oh screw it." He climbed over into the driver's seat and took off without a second thought. At the rate they were going, Jeff was never going to get them back and he had a football game to watch. Jeff's a resourceful boy, I'm sure he'll get back on his own just fine.