TITLE: A Blue sealed "I hate you" Letter.
PAIRING: Hephaestion and Alexander.
RATING: R
CATEGORY: AU.
DISCLAMER: I don't know the people involved, no harm intended, everything is product of my imagination, but I wouldn't mind sharing my life with the blue eyed god.
NO BETA so all mistakes are mine.
FEEDBACK: comments are love! Yes, please any kind of them will help me to improve my writing or leave it forever.
WARNING: Grab some tissues …..
The king of the known world was a shadow of the man he used to be. There was a single cause for his sudden aging and despair, his loyal and steadfast lover and soul mate had left him alone to face a world that was empty and dark without his Hephaestion by his side.
It took three days and numerous pleas to convince Alexander to let Hephaestion's body free, the young king had been hugging and lying with the corpse for three full days, threatening everybody with death if anyone dared to touch his lover.
It was finally Ptolemy the one to convince Alexander to take care of Hephaestion's body so the king lovingly washed the now marble and cold skin with scented water; he also washed the brunette tresses for the last time and combed his hair neatly and with extremely care, disentangling any knot that could be there. He remembered about the thousand other times he had made the same thing and how his Phai ended purring like a cat and nearly asleep.
He finally chose a new azure chiton with golden embroideries and a midnight blue cloak to match it, the latter with the design of the Vergina Star on its front. He took all these from his best clothes and he dressed his beloved as a king, including some of the most beautiful jewelry too. However, the half pendant was removed from the still chest.
"I will take care of it, my love, and I will give it back to you when we reunite again" the sad king whispered into his ear after kissing the cold forehead.
The closest companions made all the preparations for the funeral rites; however, they knew that Alexander would do something more magnificent in the near future.
When the pyre was prepared, Alexander took Hephaestion between his arms and cradled him tightly against his chest. His slow walk towards Hephaestion's final rest was more than dramatic, many people had gathered to pay their respect to their most favourite companion, General and Chiliarch.
Alexander walked slowly as if he wanted to delay the moment he definitely knew it would be the last one together, at least on these lands.
The king saw people crying and clearly giving their homage to such a remarkable man, however he could not understand why they were crying when he was the only one who had lost the best half of his heart and soul.
He tenderly set the corpse onto the pyre and, after kissing the cold lips for the last time, he lit it with a torch. He then took few steps backwards and stood up straight, without moving, until the last embers had died out, some hours later. He knelt by the burnt pyre and gathered his Phai's ashes and put them into a gold box. He cradled the box against his chest and cried bitterly because he had nothing left to live for.
Alexander retired to their chamber and settled the box next to Hephaestion's marble bust and after caressing the cold cheek of the bust, he let himself fall onto the big bed that seemed bigger and emptier without his Phai spread like a starfish on the soft mattress. That image brought a tiny smile to his face, the first and the last that would be seen in the royal face for a long time.
Alexander slept for a full day after the funeral and when he woke up again, he headed towards the inner bath room and grabbing Hephaestion's dagger; he shred his golden curls, near the scalp, the same tribute that the great Achilles did form his beloved and fallen Patroclus. Then he shaved and wearing one of Hephaestion's dark chitons, he left the chamber.
The companions greeted him and invited to share their morning meal, without mentioning anything about his new appearance. Nobody knew how the king would react to any of their comments. Even Hephaestion's former detractors remained in silence.
Perdicas noticed Hephaestion's clothes in Alexander and he couldn't help showing a worried look in his clear eyes; he was afraid of Alexander without Hephaestion by his side.
The conversation was quiet but entertaining and Alexander saw himself involved in it. When he finished nibbling on his food, he announced that he would retire to the throne room to deal with all the things he had neglected in the last few days before Hephaestion punished him.
As soon as the last words abandoned his mouth, a somber look invaded the two-coloured eyes making them lifeless. He sighed deeply and added that he had always thought that if there was a person who could tell him off from the underworld, that person could only be his Hephaestion. Warm and tiny smiles appeared in his companions' faces and the king left them, dragging his feet over the marble floors.
Days went by and it looked as if Alexander was doing better; he was, of course, still mourning Hephaestion but his comments about him were scarcer. His friends were feeling a bit more optimistic about his current behaviour and none of them saw the storm brewing on the horizon.
One morning, three months later, Bagoas entered the royal chambers and found the floor littered with crumpled scrolls. He also saw Alexander frantically tugging his short hair while putting words on paper. His writing was so hectic that the Persian boy could listen to the scratches of the quill against the scroll.
He called Alexander's name but he was totally ignored, the king was murmuring unintelligible words in a very low and raspy voice. Feeling worried about the king's mood and attitude, Bagoas decided to look for help. In his way towards the main part of the palace, he crossed paths with Ptolemy who was just heading towards Alexander with some questions about their new campaign.
Bagoas spoke quickly about what he had seen and the long-nosed companion rushed into the king's chamber. He had to call Alexander twice to get his attention. The disheveled appearance made him wonder what the king had been doing but the lifeless look in his eyes got him more worried.
Ptolemy walked, kicking the great amount of balls of paper peppering the floor, and set his hand on Alexander's shoulder. The king looked over his shoulder at a pair of blue eyes but he drew his look back to the paper because those eyes had the wrong shade of blue.
"What are you doing Alexander?" Ptolemy asked with a calm voice.
"Can't you see? I am writing a letter" Alexander answered a bit angry.
"I see, and who are you writing to?" He asked again, afraid of the answer.
"To Hephaestion! He had been absent to today's meeting, in fact, he had not been attending many of them and he had also been too rude for not answering me when I have requested his presence" Alexander replied without lifting his gaze from the paper in front of him.
Ptolemy looked at him with his clear eyes wide open; the king was losing his mind and he was afraid that he would be following his soul mate to the house of death sooner than later.
The older companion was going to say something but he decided not to do it, maybe Alexander needed to release some of his well-kept pain and he had chosen that way. Patting his shoulder again, he left the chamber.
Alexander brought his mind back to the scroll before his eyes and after the turmoil of feelings inside his mind, he started to put his words in ink.
Dear General Hephaestion,
I am sorry to have to write this letter to you but you have been neglecting your duties for the last months and it is my obligation as your king to bring you back to your obligations.
It is easily seen how the Army is feeling your absence, there are always things that aren't replaced on time or at all; tons of paperwork invade my desk and you are not here to help me with it; my ink pot was empty yesterday and I had to refill it myself, can you believe that?
Well, I command you to take over your duties, I don't care if you are now living in the underworld; I really don't care if you think you cannot fulfill your duties now because you promised to be always by my side and this is now a big and blatant lie.
I hate you because you have left me alone to face a world I am not prepared to face by myself.
I hate you because you didn't keep your word and you didn't hesitate in following Hades under the house of death.
I hate you because I cannot be again the man I used to be because you are not there to see it.
I hate you because our dreams have now become only mine and now nothing tempt me enough to follow them.
I hate you because my days are bright less and my nights seem to have no end.
I hate you because my life has lost you, who were my north, and I wander without knowing where I should go.
I hate you because you are gone and I cannot do anything to change that.
I hate you … I miss you … I love you…
Yours always,
Alexander.
After reading the letter, he kissed it and sealed it with a tinged blue wax, blue to match his lover's eyes and his own mood. However, the wax didn't stick and the letter ended open.
Ptolemy, worried about his king's mind, went back to the chamber and found Alexander asleep over the letter in his desk. Realizing that the letter had not been sealed properly, he took it and had a quick look at it. After reading it, he was more than sure that Alexander's life was coming to an end, and even though it was sad, he also realized that there was no life for Alexander without Hephaestion.
The blond companion promised himself to look after his king until the moment he reunited with his beloved in the afterworld.
Ptolemy covered Alexander's back with a thick fur cloak and seeing a tiny smile appearing in the royal face, he prayed to the Olympians that Alexander was seeing a healthy Hephaestion in his dreams.