Long Island Iced Z

"Guys…I think we need to give Jeff an intervention," Matt announced as he walked into the room.

Shawn and Hunter, who were playing ping pong, barely even looked up from their game. "If this has anything to do with brownies again he's just gonna be screwed," Hunter said. "Stephanie says we can't get involved with those situations anymore. He's a bad influence on us there."

Matt shook his head, miffed that his statement hadn't gotten more of a reaction than that. "No no no. It's not a brownie situation this time…at least I don't think so."

"Did he get kidnapped by midgets?" Shawn asked.

"No…"

"Is he stuck somewhere?"

"Nooo…"

"Then I don't care." Shawn flipped his hair over his shoulder and turned his full attention back to the game. "Take your problem somewhere else."

Matt scowled. He had come here legitimately trying to get help for his brother and this was what he got? He didn't think so. Fuck this shit. He wasn't going to stand for it. He snatched Shawn's paddle out of his hand and whacked the ball as it was coming at him, making it hit Hunter right on the nose and from there it bounced off to the floor. "There. Game over."

"Ow!" Hunter yelped as he put his hands over his nose.

Shawn sighed unhappily and glared at Matt. "Was that really necessary?"

"Yes," Matt replied without hesitation. "Now shut up and listen to me. We need to get Jeff and sit him down for an intervention."

"Didn't we try that with you once?" Hunter asked as he kept rubbing his nose. He had an awful lot of nose to rub so this was probably going to take awhile.

"Yeah."

"And how did that work out?"

"…That is NOT the point. Point is, Jeff needs to be gotten through to. He's developed this…obsession and I don't think it's very healthy for him."

"Well no, obsessions never are," Shawn said wisely. "Unless you're obsessed with ice cream. Then you can't go wrong with that."

"Believe me, I wish it was ice cream Jeff was obsessed with. It's worse than that though. Much, much worse."

Hunter and Shawn exchanged glances. While they still weren't happy with getting their game interrupted Matt did look pretty upset and they did owe him quite a few favors for all the stuff he had helped them out with. "What did he get himself into?" Hunter asked.

Matt shook his head solemnly. "I think you're going to have to see it to believe it."

…

"Welcome everyone to the new episode of Z! True Long Island Story. I'm your host Zack Ryder and today we have a very special guest: the one and only, Charismatic Enigma, Jeff Hardy!"

"Ohhhh my god…" Hunter said under his breath. Matt had taken him and Shawn to where Zack Ryder was taping a new episode of his Youtube show and not only was Jeff a guest, but he was dressed up EXACTLY like Ryder. He had dyed his hair blonde and tried to spike it up even though he had grown it out again. He also had on a Zack Ryder t-shirt, the purple headband with "Woo woo woo" written on it and a ridiculous pair of red sunglasses.

"Yeah," Matt said, now smug that they could see how serious this was. "He doesn't just like this show or like Zack Ryder. It's a complete obsession. I think he wants to BE Zack Ryder."

"…Why would he want to be him?" Shawn asked incredulously. "I mean, I know Ryder's the cool new thing but you guys are the Hardys! You…oh wait. You two fucked your names over pretty bad. Never mind, I can't blame him for wanting to be Ryder instead."

Matt glared at Shawn angrily. "Thanks man. Thanks a lot."

"Yo Jeff man, I'm really glad to have you on the show," Zack said as he slapped a hand on Jeff's shoulder. He was pretty oblivious to the others that had just walked into the room.

"I'm glad to be here man," Jeff said, actually bouncing up and down like an excited little girl he was so giddy. "I'm a broski man I've always been. Woo woo fucking woo yeaaaaahhhhh."

"That's awesome man I-"

"And you know what's really cool? You turned being a gigantic dork into something really cool!" Jeff clapped his hands and rubbed them together eagerly. "I used to be cool man. Like really cool. But now I'm like the punch line to jokes. It's not cool man. But I have a solution."

"Ummm…okay?" Ryder looked perplexed at the direction this whole thing was going.

"It's a good solution," Jeff said as he nodded to himself. "You want to know what it is."

"Sure man, I-"

Jeff decked Ryder in the face and shoved him off camera. "Then get the hell out of my way." He turned back towards the camera and grinned. "I'M your host Zack Ryder and this-"

"Ohhh no," Matt said. He, Hunter and Shawn stepped forward, now knowing they really had to act. "Bad Jeff BAAAD Jeff!"

"Matt? What are YOU doing here?" Jeff immediately tried to run away but was easily caught by the other three. "Nooo! Let me go let me go let me go!"

"No way man," Shawn said. "This has to stop. You can't be Zack Ryder."

"Why NOT?" Jeff asked as he was carried out of the room. He was still trying to get away but his efforts were getting more and more futile. "I wanna be him! He's the thing to be let me go back!"

"Jeff this is stupid," Matt said bluntly. "You can't just run away from who you are and pretend to be someone else. That's not how it works. You have to be a grown-up."

"Nooo! You can't make me you can't make me!" Jeff managed to bite Hunter, which made him leg to of Jeff's leg and then he nailed Shawn in the balls and then Matt as well. He tried to then run off but then Hunter caught him and nailed him in the back of the head as hard as he could, knocking him unconscious.

"Hunter!" Matt said in exasperation. "What the hell man?"

"Sorry dude." Hunter picked Jeff up off the floor and put him over his shoulder. "Boy don't need an intervention. He needs some damn sense knocked into him."

"Amen," Shawn agreed as he rubbed his balls.

Matt sighed. He couldn't disagree with that one, no matter how hard he tried.