Bacterial Sepsis. A blood infection.
We have to give them and I.V., the doctor said. They'll be fine, he said.
They didn't look fine. I bit my lip hard as I watched through the window as they inserted a needle into their arms. Just antibiotics. I reminded myself. But it didn't stop the tears from gathering behind my eyes. I rested my forehead against the glass and crossed my arms across my body, trying to soften the sobs.
"Hey now, none of that." Danielle said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.
"I'm a bad mother." I cried, turning into her shoulder and pushing a hand against my mouth. My boys were sick. My boys. Why hadn't I noticed something sooner? Why hadn't I been more careful?
"No." Danielle said simply. But I couldn't believe her right now. I drew in a shaky breath and pulled away, looking at her.
"This is such a weird day." I sighed, looking back through the window and running a hand over my eyes. "Awful day." I mumbled.
"Well now, that hurts my feelings." She tried to joke, but I could only give her a painful smile.
"You don't have to stay you know. I don't expect you to."
"I said we were friends didn't I? Now what kind of friend would I be if I left you in such a state?"
"A shitty one." I said, trying and failing once again to smile.
They looked so sad, their little faces scrunched and red and crying. They'd had to do a spinal tap to rule out meningitis. My head still pounded from their screams. That was a sound I would never forget or want to hear again.
"Are you hungry?" She asked me. I shook my head. "Yes you are. I'll be back." She said, and retreated down the hall. I watched her go and shook my head. When I got up this morning I never would have imagined the day going the way it had. But so was the life of a single mother of twins.
As I stood, looking at my boys chests fall up and down slowly, I tried to go through a checklist in my head. When I got them home I had to wash everything. I would have to sanitize the door handles. Their toys needed to soak in hot water. I would have to make sure, double sure, that they got their medicine every day. I turned around and slid down the wall, resting my arms against my legs and my head against my arms. The darkness helped me breath. The cool tile against my bottom helped me think.
"You all have to behave yourselves. I'm not joking. I hadn't really expected you to come here. Maybe you should go." I heard Danielle saying from down the hall. I raised my head and watched her slowly walking back towards me, speaking to a group of five boys, or maybe men and a woman. Great. Just what I needed.
"Danielle?" I asked, standing. "Who is this?" I asked, my eyes scanning the faces.
"Lily I'm sorry. I hadn't expected them to come here. They were just leaving." She said, giving them all a hard look.
"It's fine." I shrugged it off. If they were her friends she could have them here. She was here for me, a near stranger.
"Lily are you sure? I know this is hard and-"
"The distraction will do me good." I nodded, wiping at my cheeks, hoping there weren't tear tracks. That would just be pitiful.
"If you're sure…" She trailed off, searching my face. "Well then, this is my boyfriend, Liam." She pointed to a boy with darker hair and one of those faces that made you want to relax. "There's Zayn," okay that was mr. tall dark and handsome then. "Louis and Harry," She pointed to two other boys, with darker hair, although the one—Harry I think?—looked like he'd just stepped out of a wind tunnel. "Eleanor." She pointed to the woman who'd probably just stepped off a runway. But her face was kind, like Danielle's. The unassuming beauty that made it impossible to hate her. "And Niall." She pointed finally to the blonde with full cheeks and a smile that reminded me of a much simpler time.
"Lily," I greeted them, eyes still on that smile. Niall. That sort of rhymed.
"It's nice to meet you." Eleanor offered, looking in through the window. "Are they yours?" She asked, nodding at Ronan and Riddle. I nodded, turning towards the glass and breathing shakily. "They're beautiful." She said, offering me a smile that once more I could not return.
"What're their names?" The blonde one—Niall, I reminded myself firmly—asked. I noticed that his accent was different from Danielle's and Eleanor's.
"Riddle and Ronan. 14 months." I whispered, wrapping my arms around myself again.
"How old are you?" Liam asked, almost suspiciously. Danielle stepped up to me again and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. Funny, how after so very little time she could tell how close I was to an all out breakdown.
"um…18." I said, my eyes still on the twins. Were they supposed to be breathing so quickly? Why was Ronan so red? I just didn't understand why the doctors hadn't fucking fixed this already.
"Ms. Darven?" A voice asked from behind me and I spun. It was the doctor. "May I speak with you for a moment?" He asked, eyeing the group of teenagers who were all standing by the glass. The exotic looking one was just staring in at the babies. So was Niall. They looked…well, part scared part fascinated.
"Yes." I said, reaching up and squeezing Danielle's hand before slipping out of her arms and over to the doctor. He led me part way down a hall before stopping.
"Now I don't wish to alarm you," my alarms went off. "But we think it's best if we keep your boys here for the night. We've caught the infection in time but we still don't want them at home where we can't be sure their condition doesn't worsen. After tonight we should be able to release them and we'll just have to write a prescription for some antibiotics for them to take for the next couple weeks." He said, slowly and softly, like someone speaking to a cornered animal.
"Um…I mean is it, is their condition bad?" I asked.
"It's a blood infection and they're very young. I won't lie to you, if you had waited any longer this would have been a lot more dangerous but like I said, you're lucky, we caught it in time and now it's simply a matter of eliminating the bacteria." He said.
I could only nod.
"They're going to be fine. I'd say go home and get some rest but I've dealt with worried mothers too many times to bother. We have a cafeteria and I can ask a nurse to maybe set up a cot in their room if you'd like." He said, placing a clammy hand on my shoulder.
"No, no, that's fine. I won't be able to sleep anyways." I said, pulling my sleeves down over my hands. They were sweating.
"All right." He nodded, squeezing my arm one last time before leaving.
No matter what he said about them being fine, my heart was still tight with worry. I breathed deep, trying to pull a sufficient amount of air into my lungs but my chest felt heavy and I placed my hands against the wall, trying to stop my head from spinning.
"Okay." I said to myself, breathing again. "Breathe. Breathe Lily. It's okay. It's okay. Breathe." I chanted, even as my breaths became shorter and quicker. More panicked.
"You Americans." Came a voice from behind me. I turned sharply. Danielle of course. "You panic so easily. The doctor said they'll be fine Lily. So you know what. They're going to be fine." She said, stepping forward to place her steadying hands on my shoulders.
"I don't know what I'm doing." I cried, realizing that tears were once again making their steady way down my cheeks. "What was I thinking taking them in? I'm not cut out of this. I can't do this. They're going to be so messed up." I sobbed, burying my face in her shoulder.
A stranger is a stranger, but a shoulder is also a shoulder. A shoulder isn't any more comforting on a family member.
"Stop it." She said, lightly pushing me off of her and digging in her purse. She hastily withdrew a tissue and wiped at my face, like I was a child. "You're doing a much better job than I ever could. Now, give me your keys." She said, holding out her hand.
I looked at her incredulously.
"I'm going back to your flat to get your books and a change of clothes for you. You're going to be here all night and you might as well get some studying done. Can't have you getting behind now can we?" She asked, patting my cheek.
"You're too nice." I said. "I don't trust it." I confessed.
"You don't have to. You just have to give me your keys and go back to staring at your boys, even though we both know it's not going to help anything." She shook her head, like she'd known me her whole life and knew my habits.
"Thank you." I said, and against every instinct that screamed at me to not trust her I handed over my keys. I was paranoid. It came with being a mother. And distress had made me foolish and easily persuaded.
"I'll be back soon. The others will keep you company. They're really a great bunch. Just let them distract you. You need it." She said, before retreating down the hallway. I took at least five minutes to gather myself before I followed after her, returning to my glass window that separated me from the two people who mattered most to me in the world.