"Do you want some?" Niall asked, sliding up to me and offering me a chip. I looked at it. Part of me knew I should be hungry. But my stomach was too tied up. I felt too sick.
"No thanks." I said, and for the first time managed to pull a half smile half grimace onto my face. It was that damn smile on his face that did it. It was one of those that made you smile back just because it was slightly ridiculous.
"What's wrong with them?" He asked, turning back to look at them, his eyes squinting as he studied their faces.
"Bacterial Sepsis. Blood infection." I repeated. And stupid me, I started tearing up again. I just couldn't help it. I was so scared; even though everyone kept telling me they were going to be fine. "I'm sorry." I muttered, holding a hand up to shield my eyes.
"Don't be. I'm sure, if they were mine, I'd be crying." He said, and I turned just enough to see him smiling at me. "Sure you don't want a chip?" He asked, offering them once more.
"Sure." I said, reaching into the bag carefully. The chip tasted like cardboard and made my tongue dry. I swallowed it anyways.
We stood there in silence for a while. Then watched as a nurse came in and gently removed the needle from Ronan's arm to replace it with another one. He woke up. I couldn't hear him through the glass but I watched his face scrunch, as he started screaming and crying. Then Riddle woke up. He started crying too. I watched their little mouths form the word ma over and over again.
I was crying again and I hated it. I hated this day. I hated this week. I wanted this to be over and to have my boys back home in our small apartment with their little glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. I wanted the chaos I knew how to deal with.
I felt a weight over my shoulder and knew there was an arm there, slowly and gently pulling me against the side of a warm body. What was it with these foreigner's and caring about people they didn't know? This was so weird.
But I didn't really care. I take comfort where I can find it.
"See, crying really isn't so bad now." He said, and I felt his hand rub up and down my arms.
"I hate this." I said, sobbing for a good five minutes. And then I stopped. I pulled away and wiped at my face, reminding myself that everything was going to be fine. Blood infections didn't have to be as serious as they sounded. They were going to be fine. "Sorry." I said again, shaking my head at myself. I'd always been emotional.
"Don't be." He repeated, not taking his eyes from me. It made me self-conscious. So I turned my eyes back to my boys. They had begun to settle.
"Niall right?" I asked, confirming what I already knew.
"Yeah. Lily." He said, and though it wasn't a question I nodded anyways.
"So does Danielle usually offer friendship to every stressed woman she finds in a grocery store?" I asked, smiling.
"Well this is the first time it's happened."
"I must be special then, huh?"
"Must be."
We stood there for a while longer in silence. I felt my eyes start to droop. I looked at the clock. It was nearing two in the morning. I didn't realize how very long I'd been standing there.
"Aren't you all tired?" I asked, looking around and realizing the group had returned and we all stood at the window, watching my sons. It was strange, how concerned they seemed. Like they had somehow already grown attached. I liked to think my sons had that affect though. They were enchanting in sleep.
"Nah. We'll stay." Niall said, without consulting the rest of the group.
"Do you know who we are?" The exotic one suddenly asked. Za…Zack? No, that didn't sound right…whatever. It didn't matter.
"ummm…Niall…Liam?" I asked, and he nodded, smiling lightly.
"That's not what I meant." Zayn smiled. "We're all in a band. We're kind of…well, it's still weird to say it but I guess we're famous. One Direction. Have you heard of us?" He asked.
"No. And to be perfectly honest, I don't really care how famous you are at the moment. I mean no offense by that either. I just…I can't really process that information right now." I sighed, closing my eyes and resting my head against the glass. It wasn't as cool as I'd hoped it'd be.
"Of course." The one holding Eleanor's hand said, giving Zayn—yes that was it, Zayn!—a warning look.
And then we didn't talk until Danielle finally returned with my books and a change of clothes. And then she asked a nurse to find me the cot I had refused earlier and I moved into the boys' room, listening to the sound of their breathing and being comforted in the fact that it had slowed to a normal pace. It was steady. The room here didn't feel hot or smell as sick. It smelled too clean maybe.
I pulled out a book, and stared at the words, willing them to make some sort of sense.
At some point they must have started to, because before I knew it, I was looking up at the boys and realized I had gotten halfway through a chapter. Riddle was waking up slowly, softly gurgling.
I set my book to the side and walked over to him, stopping to use hand sanitizer first. I didn't want any germs on me when I touched him. I didn't want to risk anything.
"Hey baby," I smiled softly at him, watching as his eyes blinked into focus. He smiled, looking more awake and lucid than I had seen him that afternoon.
"Ma." He said, reaching out to pinch my face with his little fingers. "Ma. Joo. Joo." He continued, waving his arms and trying to roll so he could sit up.
"No." I said firmly, knowing there was no other way to get him to listen. "No Riddle. Stay still." I said, pointing to the I.V. rack. "You can't move."
"Joo" He said again, looking around like he might find his bottle of milk lying around.
"I'll see if you can have some milk, okay?" I asked him, pressing the nurse call button. I kept one hand on his chest though, when he kept trying to move.
"Ma. Ma. Ma." He started chanting, placing his hands over my eyes. I closed them, knowing he would end up poking them if I didn't.
"Yes. Mommy. Can you say Ma-me?" I asked
"Ma." He repeated, pulling his hands away from my face and smiling his toothy smile that I absolutely adored. Ronan's smiles were more rare. But they were also more explosive. If Ronan smiled he was probably laughing hysterically too, to the point of turning blue.
"Riddle." I said back to him, smiling a real smile for the first time all night.
"Ro. Ro. Ro." He said, looking at the crib next to his where Ronan was still sleeping. They both had small nicknames for each other, since they still couldn't say the full names.
"Ro is very tired isn't he? We have to let him sleep right? Nite-nite right? Sleepy time."
"Ro." He said, reaching his hand out to grab at the edge of his crib.
"No. Ro is sleeping." I said again. Riddle was the one most acquainted with the word no, simply because I had to repeat myself all the time with him.
At that moment a nurse walked into the room, keeping the lights off.
"Is there a problem?" She asked kindly, coming over to look down at Riddle and smiling.
"He was asking for milk, but I was wondering if he was allowed to have maybe a little cup of water or something and if he can sit up. He's not one for lying down." I smiled.
"I'll ask the doctor if he can have a little glass of water. He can sit up if he wants to. You just have to be careful with the I.V." She said, watching me as I helped him sit up in the shallow crib. He instantly grabbed onto my hand and started pulling my fingers apart.
"Thank you." I said, watching in fascination as his eyes traveled into the valleys of my fingers, his own fingers following not long after.
I heard the door close softly after her, the sliver of bright cold light from the hallway disappearing.
"Ma ma." He said, the words more closely run together than usual.
"Mama? Yeah Ri. Mama." I said, pointing at myself.
"La." He said, his hands falling over my mouth. "La. La. La."
"Okay, shhhh." I said, shushing him as his demand grew louder. "Let's see. How about…
Swing low, sweet chariot
Comin' for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot
Comin' for to carry me home
I looked over Jordan and what did I see
Comin' for to carry me home
A band of angels comin' after me
Comin' for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot
Comin' for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot
Comin' for to carry me home
If you get to heaven before I do
Comin' for to carry me home
Tell all my friends I'm comin' there too
Comin' for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot
Comin' for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot
Comin' for to carry me home
I'm sometimes up and sometimes down
Comin' for to carry me home
But still I know I'm heavenly bound
Comin' for to carry me-"
The door opened quietly but the light alerted me to the disturbance. I quickly shut up.
"I brought a little cup of water for him." The nurse said, bringing over the glass. "You'll have to help him though." She said. She handed me the plastic cup, checked their I.V.'s and then retreated from the room, leaving me once again in the cool darkness.
"Here Ri." I said, gently guiding my mouth to the cup and helping him drink from it.
Some of the water dripped down his chin and he pushed it away, coughing lightly.
"You're okay." I soothed, rubbing his bare back. Both of them were only in diapers.
"Ma ma." He said, scooting forward on his butt before I pushed him back again, trying to find something in the room to entertain him with.
"Pat." I said, holding my hands up to him. He copied my actions, holding his hand up. "Ready?" I asked, slowly extending my right hand towards his right one. He leaned forward, his hand clumsily colliding with mine. "Patty cake," I said, continuing with the rhyme for as long as we both could stand. Eventually though, he tired of both patty cake and peek-a-boo. And the boredom was making him fussy.
"Knock knock." Came that accent I had finally placed—Irish—from the doorway.
"Hello." I said quietly, watching his silhouette turn and close the door behind him. I heard his footsteps in the room and soon enough I could see him, right next to the bed, gazing down at Riddle.
"Ah he's awake now." He said, and I swear I saw his smile even in the dark. It made Riddle laugh.
"Yeah. Awake and bored out of his mind." I said, reaching forward to tug on one of his fingers.
"Well you can hardly blame him. There's nothing to do here." He said. "Danielle fell asleep sitting in the hallway a little awhile ago. Liam just took her home."
"And so you're still here because?" I asked.
"I had nothing better to do." He shrugged, pulling two chairs over from a corner. I gladly sat down.
"Really? What, a famous musician like you had nothing better to do?" I joked. He didn't answer. "I do appreciate it you know. You all being here. Even if I probably will never understand why and will never see any of you again. I'm grateful." I whispered, allowing Riddle to scoot to the edge of the crib.
"Well you don't have faith. Danielle is very determined to keep contact with you. I wouldn't doubt her." He said.
Riddle extended his hand towards the blonde, eyes curious in the way only a innocents can be. Niall began to reach towards him too before I reached out and grasped his wrist tightly.
"Sorry…it's just…hand sanitizer." I said, blushing and motioning towards the dispenser by the door.
"No of course…sorry." He mumbled, getting up and cleaning his hands before resuming his seat. "Hello there…Riddle?" He asked, looking at me. I nodded.
"Joo. Joo. Joo. Joo." He demanded, grabbing his finger and shaking it up and down.
"Here Ri." I said, grabbing the cup of water from the table and helping him drink.
"Joo is water?"
"Joo is any number of things. Usually it means milk. Sometimes it means I dropped my milk. Other times it means I need some sort of hydration." I said, laughing as Riddle sputtered slightly at the water, more running down to drip onto his chest.
"Well that must make working out what he's saying a bit difficult." Niall said, taking the cup back from me to put on the table.
"Not really. You just have to pay attention to how he says it. It's all about inflection." I smiled, watching as Riddle grabbed Niall's hand and resumed shaking it. "I think he's happy to meet you."
"Well Riddle I am pleased to meet you as well." Niall said, laughing. His laugh was as ridiculous as the rest of him. And I only meant that in the best sense possible. The best people I know are ridiculous.
"La." Riddle said, looking at me and slapping at my cheeks.
"Ah-ah, no slapping. No." I said, taking his hands away from my face and kissing them quickly. "Lie down." I said, helping him in his movements so that he didn't mess up his I.V.
"No." He said, eyes wide, like he didn't fully understand the meaning of the word.
"You don't say no to mommy. Try and sleep. Nite-nite time." I said, running my fingers through his hair. I was vaguely aware that Niall had moved, getting up from his chair to move to the place between the two cribs, eyes on me.
"Ma. Ma. Ma. Ma ma." Riddle said, reaching up towards me and then dissolving into incomprehensible sounds. He got lazy with his words when he was tired.
"Sleep Ri. Sleep." I said, continuing to lightly brush my nails over his scalp, remembering a time too early to exactly recall when my mother had done the same to me. It was a soothing sensation. One of comfort that still managed to work on me.
We just stood there for a while, watching as his eyes continue to travel hazily around the room until they eventually drooped closed, eyelashes resting gently against full cheeks.
"He's really quite beautiful." Niall's quiet voice broke the silence. Riddle moved slightly, and for a moment I was afraid he would wake up again, but he didn't. He slept on. "They both are." He continued.
"Thank you." I whispered back. "I wish I could say they were mine." I sighed, and I could feel his eyes snap up to my face.
"They aren't?"
I shook my head, moving around Riddle's crib to peek at Ro. He was sleeping, but his face was still red, and I could tell just by looking that he was warm. Probably still hot to the touch.
"I'm their mommy. I'm just not their mother." I said. Standing next to this strange and apparently famous boy who had decided to sit through this ordeal with me. Life was certainly strange. "My best friend made a mistake. She couldn't handle the consequences." I said, thinking of Ali.
We didn't really talk anymore.
I still needed to call her though.
"And so you had to?" Niall asked.
"Wanted to." I corrected quickly. "I didn't get saddled with them. I wanted them. I still want them. I love them, and I they're still my sons. Just not…"
"By blood." He finished, and I nodded.
"I need to call their mother though. She'll want to know what's going on." I said.
This was a hospital, but I was still reluctant to leave my sons in the presence of a stranger. He seemed to sense my hesitancy, because he walked to the door first and held the door open for me before following me out.
"Thank you." I said, pulling my phone out of my purse. He stood near the door, leaning against a wall with his hands tucked under his arms.
"I'll be here." He said. "Take your time."