Chapter 9: No Turning Back

Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant? ~Henry David Thoreau

x - Colourful Moments - x

Allen yawned as he walked out of his room early in the morning, feeling slightly groggy and sleepy. The silver-haired teen rubbed the side of his body as he stretched his arms, walking to the dining room to get his breakfast before going to work for the whole day. As he reached the living room, he could see Komui sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper. Lenalee was at the dining table, eating the egg tart in her hand. His eyes lit up at the delicious food as he strode over quickly.

"Oh, good morning, Allen," She said, seeing him coming over. Komui just looked up from the newspaper briefly, before he continued reading in silence. Allen nodded his head in acknowledgement as he sat down and grabbed himself a warm and crispy egg tart in his palm, taking a deep sniff before munching on it.

"Mmm...nice," He muttered, grinning. That grin did not seem to be...sincere.

"Allen, are you joining us in the decoration of the Christmas tree in the afternoon later?" She asked. He shook his head, his attention still on the egg tart in his hand.

"I need to work. It's best to work harder and earn more this time before Christmas arrives," Allen replied. She peered at him, her mind unconsciously remembered the words she said to him last night, and she couldn't help but wonder whether she was too direct at that time. Was he working very hard continuously just to forget the pain?

"I see. If that's the case, would you mind buying some groceries after your work?" Lenalee asked, taking the list on the table as she handed it to him. Allen threw the last bits of the egg tart into his mouth and took the list, reading the ingredients that were listed inside the paper.

"So many?" He asked in slight surprise.

"Well, at least twenty of the members previously from the Black Order are coming, so there is a need to prepare more. Furthermore, your appetite is still as...big compared to the days when you are still an Exorcist." Allen just blinked for a moment, before a flush of red appeared on his face. Lenalee stared at him in slight amusement, before she chuckled softly. The silver-haired teen gave a frown in reply. He gulped down the glass of milk and got up, grabbing his coat and bag before heading out. As the door slowly closed with an inaudible click, the whole house was silent.

"Lenalee." The olive-haired girl turned to see her brother staring at her.

"What happened yesterday?" He asked, noticing that something was amiss. Violet eyes widened slightly, before she averted her gaze elsewhere, not knowing how to answer him. That agonising and pale face he wore throughout the whole journey back home still etched deeply in her mind. She tried to ignore it - after all, Allen would not like it if she kept pushing him for the reason, but when she heard soft weeps coming from his room, she could no longer take it.

Forget him.

If it hurts so much, forget him.

Was she right in saying this? She just...did not want Allen to suffer anymore.

"I don't know, nii-san. Frankly, I don't know." Komui just continued to stare at her silently. Lenalee peered at the moving time shown from the antique clock placed at the corner of the house. It was said that time would eventually heal all wounds, either physical or mental ones. The only question was: how long would it take? How long would Allen continue to remain like this, pretending that these feelings did not exist?

How long...was this going to continue?

Kanda adjusted his shades at his nose as he slowly paced around the old historical building of St Paul's Cathedral, admiring the exquisite and beautiful stone structure which had been maintained from the 17th century till now. He took one step up with his right foot as he held his camera and took a few shots of the building from different angles. The raven-haired man walked up to the building and walked around, his hand touching the sides of the stone pillars gently as he took a closer look at the structure of this magnificent building.

He heard continuous deep sounds of the bells ringing faintly in the vicinity. Sapphire eyes narrowed in slight curiosity as he followed the sounds of the chimes, coming to the main doors of the church. Even when he was standing a few metres away from the church, he could hear the chants and the singing of the prayers from the people and the pastors inside. His black boots thudded softly through the ground as he approached the doors, peeking through the small gap as he witnessed the real thing by his own eyes. Even though he wasn't a Christian, he was slightly awed by the sight.

"Excuse me."

He turned around, seeing a couple standing behind him. Kanda stood aside and let them pass. As the white doors of the church slowly closed with a soft thud, he had the sudden urge to go inside and experience it himself. Somehow, as he was standing here, it reminded him of the days when he was still an Exorcist in the Black Organisation, represented by a black cross. At that time, Exorcists are known as 'God's Apostles', clergymen who had said to have obtained the powers of God. They were representatives who would punish and banish the evil forever.

He did not believe God, or the stupid saying that they held God's powers or whatsoever. The power he had was something which he deserved out of hard work and perseverance. God was just bullshit. If there was God, He would not let this tragedy happen to all of the people existing in earth. God was just a mere illusion people created in their memory to cling and depend on whenever there was danger befalling on them. God was just people's own imagination of someone who did not even exist.

The raven-haired man turned and exited the cathedral, walking down the long flight of stairs. As he reached the ground, he couldn't help but looked up and stared at the cathedral one more time, admiring the view. The church bells continued to chime loudly throughout the surroundings.

Even now, he still did not believe that God existed.

However, he could not help but admit that without this 'God', humans would have died out long ago. It was that unknown energy from their strong faith towards God that it would be a better day tomorrow that drove them forward and succeeded in the end.

His life was moving forward, but perhaps too quickly. He stumbled upon a knot which was difficult to loosen it, and now he was stuck, unable to get out of it. Nothing had ever stopped him before. Whether it was during battle or his personal matters, nothing had ever troubled him. No matter how hard he tried to think, he couldn't think of anything, and he knew that time was running out.

Raven-coloured hair strands fluttered at his ears as Kanda stopped at the bus stop. He glanced sideways, seeing a guy wrapping his scarf around a girl's neck. A soft smile appeared at his face while the girl looked away in shyness. He stared at the both of them for a moment, before he slowly turned away, putting some of his hair strands behind his ear lobe in slight awkwardness.

He then remembered the scene when Rou Fa wrapped her scarf around his neck.

She was smiling warmly, like this guy standing right across him...

And he received it with a soft expression, his hand grasping onto the soft material gently as though he wanted to cherish it wholeheartedly.

And at that moment, he swore he felt his heart wrenched slightly in pain.

Allen whistled softly as he rode his bicycle down the road and streets, looking out for the heavy traffic and making sure that the packed food and drinks he was delivering in the afternoon was still intact. He lifted up his cap as he took note of the road signs that he passed by, before he swerved his bicycle at the first left turn and entered the empty streets. As the wind blew right at his face, a grin appeared on his face. This was one thing he liked about this part-time job he was taking. He always liked being outside, feeling the presence of nature around him.

He slowed down as he stopped by a roadside. The silver-haired teen stepped down the bicycle as he took it up and pulled it in front of a shop. Allen took the delivery in his hand as he stared at the name of the beauty shop.

"Excuse me!" He shouted as he pushed the door and went inside. A soft jingle from the small bell attached at the door echoed in the quiet and serene environment. Soft footsteps were heard, before a beautiful lady in her twenties came out of the corridor.

"Allen!" She said with a smile. Allen smiled back.

"Here's your lunch!" He said, putting the plastic bag of food and drink onto the counter. She bent down and took up her wallet, before she took out the money and handed it to him.

"You are still working?" She asked in curiosity. Allen nodded his head.

"It feels weird not doing anything! Furthermore, I can earn a few bucks! Isn't this good?"

"Don't tire yourself out. It's almost Christmas. Are you celebrating with anyone this year?"

"My friends have come back for a gathering after a long while! I'm looking forward to the Christmas party!" Allen piped up in excitement, grinning from ear to ear.

"I see. Do you currently have a girlfriend? If yes, you can bring her out on a date this Christmas eve or Christmas day itself."

Allen stiffened on the spot. He wasn't sure what to reply her-no, whether to reply her on this question.

"What's wrong?" She asked in slight bewilderment. Allen just stared at her for a moment, before he laughed.

"No, I don't have a girlfriend yet." She gave an astonishing look.

"Really? I am surprised. A kind and good-looking boy like you should have one at this age. What a waste."

Just then, Kanda came to his mind. Allen frowned, before he shook his head and chased away that image.

"Don't worry. If you are bored, you can find me," She said with a wink.

"Miko-san!" Allen exclaimed in slight astonishment. The adult laughed at his reaction. He knew she was just joking around, but that sour and uncomfortable feeling lingering at his chest hurt a little even till now.

"Stupid baKanda," He muttered.

"What?" Miko blinked.

"No, no! Nothing! Nothing!" Allen laughed. After bidding farewell, he stepped out of the shop, hearding the soft jingles of the small bell ringing at his ears before the door closed completely. He took his bicycle and pushed it forward to the roadside, deciding to return to the cafe. He stepped onto the pedal firmly, riding out onto the open road as he began his way back. His silver strands flew lightly with the wind descending down, bringing slight shivers along his body. Birds chirped brightly as they soared across the clear sky in flocks. Allen stopped at the front of the traffic, adjusting his scarf at his neck as he was enjoying the relaxing feel that the environment brought him.

Everything seems to be forgotten in an instant.

Do you currently have a girlfriend? If yes, you can bring her out on a date this Christmas eve or Christmas day itself.

He remembered the words she said just now. To be honest, it stung really badly. It was meant to be a joke - something not meant to be taken seriously. He knew it very well, yet he could not respond the way he wanted it to be. He was not supposed to think further about it, but he simply couldn't forget him, and he couldn't forget the feeling it brought him when he witnessed the two of them spending their time together.

He couldn't ignore the pain. It hurt. It really hurt.

The traffic light turned green. Allen pushed the pedals, moving forward. The coldness was taking away his warmth, and those thoughts continued to haunt his mind. He began to reminisce, and his emotions started to disturb him. The silver-haired teen stopped pedalling as he travelled down a gentle slope, turning left as he entered the entrance of the large and historical london bridge which had existed for centuries. He peered out at the sea/large lake, observing the small boats and ships passing beneath it.

The bicycle began to slow down, and he started pedalling once again. He went out of the London bridge, proceeding to the neighbourhood where the cafe would be.

He wished he could arrive at the cafe as soon as possible, so that he had something to do to distract himself from those thoughts; so that those memories would gradually be forgotten; so that his heart would not be beating so heavily as his feelings was slowly sinking him down beyond darkness; so that everything about him could be erased completely.

Allen opened the doors of the cafe. The tiny bells attached at the handle rang softly. Those thoughts did not disappear. His heart was thumping messily and in uncertainty. The pain did not go away, and he was feeling even more wrecked and lost, unsure of where he should be heading. Kanda was still there, vivid in his head. It was excruciating, to a point where he was about to lose control of himself.

When was he going to let it all go?

His hand stopped. Kanda stared for a moment, before he looked up, seeing people boarding and alighting the bus. His hand then began to move again, drawing hurriedly lest he forgot everything due to the earlier distraction. After finishing the outline, he stopped, peering at the sketch in a slight daze as his mind drifted to that particular time when Allen confessed to him, when he gave him the cold shoulder, and when he suddenly burst out in anger and yelled at him.

Sapphire eyes narrowed. Ever since they parted ways on that night, everything changed. He couldn't bring himself to sneer and mock at the silver-haired teen over the slightest things, and Allen did not answer spitefully back to him. All he felt when he stood beside him, was endless awkwardness and a slight tugging feeling at his chest, as though the pain was constantly telling him that if he did not do anything to change this situation, it would turn worse than this.

Frankly, when Allen confessed to him, he surprisingly did not reject this kind of approach, which was definitely weird because he would flee whenever his female colleagues pounced onto him and shamelessly expressed their feelings for him. Rather, he felt an indescribable feeling bubbling inside his stomach. What exactly was that, he did not know. Was it even necessary to know anyway?

He twisted the pencil around his fingers slowly. His heart thumped hard for a second. Kanda felt his heaving chest getting heavier, so heavy that it could sink down any moment. His lips parted, his eyes staring at the light sketch in slight astonishment. He couldn't explain the feeling he had, and most importantly, why he was responding this way towards Allen Walker.

Why Allen? Why?

The pencil slipped and fell onto the sketchbook with a soft thud.

The bus jolted out of a sudden. He was snapped out of his thoughts as his body jerked forward by the strong impact. Catching the pencil which was rolling down the sketchbook, Kanda slipped it into his pocket as he secured the sketchbook in his bag and stood up, pressing the bell to alight. The raven-haired man took his camera carefully in his hand, seeing the vehicle stopping by the bus stop and opening its doors.

He stepped down onto the side of the road, his hand brushing away the flying strands of his hair as he peered at the roadsign which wrote 'Westminster Abbey'. As he reached the tourist attraction corner, he took the camera and began snapping pictures around the area, admiring the view at the same time. Each time he took a picture, he made sure to note down the features and brief description of the scene he had snapped.

He walked along the crowd.

Snap.

He leaned against the railing.

Snap.

He stared at the description of a sculpture in the middle of the road.

Snap.

Kanda looked for more places to take, before he slowly stopped in his footsteps.

A silver-haired guy was kissing a girl who was blocked in view. The picture was beautiful, yet he somehow did not like this feeling it brought him. Kanda brought his camera to his eye and observed it. The guy stopped kissing as he pushed her away gently, firm eyes gazing strongly at her. She looked back, her gaze burning into his.

He snapped the picture. Turning around to leave, Kanda couldn't help but placing his hand at his chest. The wrenching pain he got earlier was coming back again.

And he had no idea why.

"Enjoy your meal," He greeted his customer with a smile as he pushed the tray of food to him. The customer thanked him as he took the tray and returned back to his seat. Allen called for the next customer in queue as he began taking her order. After registering what she had ordered, he left the counter to get the drink, before going into the kitchen to get the food ready.

"Working hard lately are you, Allen?" John, one of the chefs, called out to him.

"It is my job, and I always put in my very best to do it well," Allen replied with a smile as he took the plate of sandwich on the table and proceeded outside, putting the sandwich on the tray. Picking up the receipt and checking through the items listed inside, Allen turned around and took a fork and a knife, before placing them neatly on the tray.

"Enjoy your meal. Please collect your cappuccino at the side of the counter. Thank you very much," He said. The customer took her tray up and went to the side to collect her drink. Allen tiptoed a little as he signalled for the next customer to come up to the counter. As usual, he put a smile on his face, say a greeting in politeness before placing the order.

"Allen, Jimmy needs your help!" One of his colleagues called out from the kitchen door.

"What is it? I'm still in the middle of serving a customer!" Allen shouted back. He took out the cheesecake which the customer wanted and placed it on the tray, instructing him to wait at the side for his frappucino which will be ready in a few minutes. As his other colleague took over his place, the silver-haired teen rushed into the kitchen to check out.

The small bell jingled softly as the door opened.

"Where are you sitting?" Kanda said in his phone as he peered around. Seconds later, he saw a hand waving to him. The raven-haired man ended the call and approached Mandy who was sitting at a corner with a cup of cappuccino in her hand. A smile appeared at her lips as she observed him sitting down across her, putting his sling bag at an empty chair beside him. He turned to stare at her in slight bewilderment.

"What?" He asked in slight uncertainty. She just shook her head and continued smiling.

"Nothing!" She piped. "Go and order something!"

Kanda nodded his head and took out his wallet from his bag, before he stood up and approached the counter. If she did not say anything, he wouldn't have realised that he was rather hungry now. He peered up at the menu, wondering what he should get.

His arm suddenly hit onto somebody standing behind, causing her wallet to fall onto the floor. He apologised as he bent down and picked up the brown wallet, taking the coins which dropped along the way.

Allen came out of the kitchen and took a cloth lying on the table, before he turned and walked back to the kitchen.

"Thank you."

"You are welcome," Kanda replied, before he turned back to the front, deciding what he should get for his lunch once again. He was a person who did not eat much, just a small portion enough to last for the whole evening. He was not like that certain beansprout who just swallowed all large servings of different food in just a few minutes and would still not be full. He would cringe at the satisfied face expression he would make after finishing all of his food, and he couldn't help but criticise his disgusting eating habits, which would turn to a fight between the two of them.

Kanda stopped at the realisation of what he had done. His stomach began to churn uncomfortably. Recently, his mind would be thinking of Allen, and the guilt began to surface again, the aching pain pounding at his chest every time he breathed.

Sorry.

He breathed hardly, throwing away his thoughts as he decided on a latte and a egg ham sandwich for his lunch. Mandy would chide him for eating so little again. Kanda reached out for his wallet inside his pocket, and as he opened it, that photo fell out and dropped onto the floor. The raven-haired man just stared silently at the four faces he once knew from the past who had occupied most parts of his entire life. He slowly bent down, his hand stretching downwards as he took hold of the photo.

What? Would there be something that makes you, Kanda Yuu, look back? You won't. There is nothing that holds you back at all. Nothing.

His voice echoed deeply in his mind.

"Excuse me, are you moving forward?" The lady behind him tapped his shouldered and asked. Kanda muttered an apology and moved forward with the queue. The sudden recollection had almost thrown him off. He did not know why he had been feeling this way recently. He could not understand why it felt so horrible every time Allen appeared in his head, as though he was about to suffocate. He could not hold back his emotions at the thoughts of Allen Walker.

You know what I'm talking about!

"What do you want, sir?" He looked up, facing a waiter who was about to take his orders.

At the same time, Allen exited the kitchen, walking behind the crowds of people as he pushed the door and went out of the cafe.

"You want me to buy fresh turkey before I come home?"

"Yeah. I have forgotten about it the last time I visited the supermarket. I hope that it hasn't sold out yet. Is it convenient for you?" Lenalee asked from the phone.

"I don't mind," Allen replied.

"Great. I will pay you when you come back."

"Okay." Allen ended the call and slipped his phone into his pocket. He gazed at the white scenery, taking in a deep breath before breathing out warm vapours of air which dissipated in the cold air instantly. Grey clouds were hovering in the pale sky, and he wondered whether it was going to snow heavily around evening. He hoped it wouldn't, or else he would have a hard time going back home later. He moved his feet a little to chase away the numbness, his hands clasping together to keep the remaining warmth in him. It felt so good standing here enjoying the cold season and the snowy view, but he had to return back to his post soon.

He sighed, and as he turned, he stiffened.

Mandy was just sitting at the corner of the cafe.

Even though he did not know her, somehow, whenever he saw her, he would remember things that he did not want to remember. He did not expect to meet her at this kind of circumstance. Allen tidied his hair and slipped his hands into the pockets, hesitating whether he should enter the cafe or not. He did not know what the hell he was hiding for, and why he was acting like a coward who felt so shameless. But whatever the reasons were, he just did not want to see her.

Soft jingles echoed throughout the surrounding as the silver-haired teen pushed the door gently, making sure that it did not gain people's attention. Luckily though, people were busily eating and chatting with their friends and family that they did not notice him. Allen heaved a sigh of relief as he walked in, pacing across queues of people as he reached the entrance of the kitchen.

He thought this was over.

Silver eyes slowly widened as he saw Kanda joining Mandy at the table.

Why was he here?

Wait, why couldn't they eat together? They were colleagues and close friends right? There was no reason why they shouldn't be together.

Mandy was talking something to Kanda. The raven-haired man was listening at first, before his eyebrows furrowed and he was showing an indescribable yet amusing face. The auburn-haired girl stared at him incredulously, before she burst out into laughter. Kanda snorted in reply and looked away, munching his sandwich in his hand. Seeing how displeased he was, Mandy managed to control herself as she nudged his hand, wanting him to face her. He faced her, and a few minutes later, she laughed again. This time, Kanda gave a small smirk, not noticeable but definitely obvious. At least, to him, it looked rather obvious.

Forget him.

Lenalee's words echoed in his mind, again and again. His heart thumped heavily in reply.

Forget him.

"Thanks for eating lunch with me today, Kanda. I enjoyed it," Mandy said as the two of them exited the cafe and went out into the open.

"Che. Nothing much," He replied with a slight snort. Mandy giggled slightly at seeing his reaction which might be cute. Kanda hated to express himself, yet his reactions could be obvious at times.

Soft jingles were heard as the doors of the cafe were opened.

"Sorry, I have to make a move first. I need to buy something before I reach home," Allen said with an apologetic smile, walking out of the cafe together with a small group of his colleagues who were about the same age as him. He then noticed that someone was there, and as he peered forward, his heart almost halted at seeing the two familiar figures in front of him.

"Allen?" Mandy said in slight shock.

Kanda was staring at him.

"I...I guess I really should go. See you guys next year," Allen stammered slightly, waving to them as the group left. After a few minutes, he stopped waving, realising that they were still there. The atmosphere somehow turned awkward. The silver-haired teen took a deep breath and turned towards their direction.

"You work here?" Mandy asked.

"Yeah," Allen replied, not knowing what to say.

"I see. I did not see you in there! Did you see him, Kanda?" She turned and asked Kanda. Allen continued to face her.

"No."

"I guess you were doing other things. Where are you going then?"

"I'm going to buy fresh turkey before going home."

What was he doing?

"Wanna come with us?"

"No!" He exclaimed immediately. She blinked in slight astonishment. Silver eyes widened in shock and slight bewilderment. The word just slipped in his mouth, but he did not want to be involved in anything about Kanda anymore. Every time he saw him, he would see the different expressions he had, and it always related to this girl. Every time they met, she was always there. Every time he saw them, that pain would come back and haunt him. He did not want...to get hurt again.

"I'm...going." Allen gave a weak smile and moved forward. Their bodies brushed against each other, and as he gradually walked past him, silver eyes widened slightly at the light touch at his arm and the strong feeling begging him not to walk away. He badly wanted to stop and turn around, but he also knew very well what he would get if he stayed. Now it hurt, not because he longed for his attention. It hurt, because it would be the last time his feelings would remain for this person.

What did it feel like to be able to stare at each other as though they were fated to meet? Could a greater miracle take place than for them to look through each other's eyes for an instant?

No. There was no miracle in the first place.

Are you going to run away from me again?

A small, bitter smile appeared on his face.

He wasn't running away.

He had to.

And he just stared in silence as Allen walked past him without a word.

And at that moment, it hit him hardly. He did not expect this to end this soon.

Allen was not turning back.

I apologise for my deteriorating writing skill. It has been hard to keep up with my writing ever since projects began to pile up week by week :/

I'm sorry for the late update, but I hope that you all would at least give a review to tell me your opinion about the chapter? Although this is not really well-written, but I really hope you all will enjoy it :)))

Updates will be slow, but please bear with me. I will definitely finish this story!

And thus, please review once again, my lovelies! Thank you so much!